Tag: TV recap

MKR Week 2 Monday night

mum_jordan

Tonight it’s WA’s turn, and I’m looking forward to see what Jordan is wering, but whatever happens tonight is just an amuse-bouche for Zana and Plus One’s effort tomorrow night.
We officially meet Mama Anna has been married for 33 years and has four sons, whom she loves equally. Jordan: “I’m top two, though.”
Anna is Maltese she gets her thrills feeding other people. She and Jordan plan that their instant restaurant will leave everyone with a food baby as a parting gift. I don’t think this is such a good thing.
They hit the butcher first for their pork belly for the snags and rabbit for the braise, because the only bunnies at Coles are the choccy ones in the premature Easter section.

Entree: Baby octopus with spicy pork sausage, potato and salsa verde
Main: Dad’s braised rabbit with pappardelle
Dessert: Imqaret with orange blossom ice cream

It all sounds divine. What the heck is imqaret? Pete, Manu, please explain? Actually, it’s Jordan who explains it’s a Maletese date biscuit, and Mama Anna hopes it all comes off because they are her Dad’s fave dishes.
Mama: “You’re always so positive.” Jordan:”I’m a proton.”
Their restaurant is European themed “Mama knows best” so there are olives everywere, wine barrels and -I swear this is what Jordan said, channeling Manu – “little momentums from their past”.
They are on track and ready in the kitchen when the clock ticks to 3:00, so they’re already an hour ahead of the SA Besties.
Mama is cooking octopus and admits it can be tricky but “don’t worry, I’ve cooked it tonnes of times – it’ll be fine”. Uh Oh – is that the MKR kiss of death?
Jordan is making gelato from 18 egg yolks. Mama wishes he would measure for a change. He is putting a lot of orange blossom water in and they love it, but it may be confronting for a newbie palate.
Mama is ensuring the rabbits are fur free, so Zana doesn’t hyperventilate.
Jordan shows he’s handled a few sausages in his time (sorry, couldn’t resist), but his filling technique is impressive. It looks good.
Poor boy then has to peel and chop 30 onions. The rabbit goes in the oven and they appear to be on track.
Here come the guests and I like the way Cougar has been styled for once. Cop No. 1’s mum is Maltese and she says they’ve done a good job with the decos, but she still doesn’t know where Malta is.

Thank goodness for Google Maps it's that island in the middle.
Thank goodness for Google Maps; it’s that island in the middle.

Back in the kitchen and Anna has a bag of Coles brand flour on the bench right next to a name brand flour. Then she pulls out another band, presumably 00 flour, for the pasta.
Jordan tips duck fat all over the prepped chips – yummo! And tonight for the first time we have twice-cooked sausages: in the oven and then the chargrill. They disagree over the manner of sausage slicing and Mama wins.
Everyone else is dressed for Perth weather but the poor judges have to sweat it out in suits. Mama needs to skol her glass of red before she can answer the door.
Jordan tells the guests they are going for a family vibe with that feeling of being full and in the belly and “getting the meat sweats”. Is that what we really want to hear.
Zana gives the menu grudging respect and says she’s glad they have competition-worthy dishes on there, but of course she is going to smash it even harder.
Jordan is having trouble with his salsa verde – too much acid. But they tweak it and feel they’ve rectified the tartness.
The occies are whacked on the chargrill for caramelisation and it’s time to plate. Salad leaves (yes – they looked dressed for a change) but then they put hot chips on top and wilt it. It’s not the prettiest looking dish but has interesting flavours.


And the judges go in for the chew …”Did you meck your own zossage?” Oui. Good, but they needed more salsa verde and cutting the zossage meant the fat leaked out, leaving them dry. Pete liked the flavour of the zossage but agrees with Manu. The judges tell them to stick to traditional ways of serving food.
The cops are happy with the occy; Cub actually gets to speak by himyself and Cougar is hoping for a main course disaster to save them. Zana says the flavours are familiar to those of her own cultural background but they stuffed up the snag, and she makes it way better. Where’s the soz? she bemoans of the occy.
Cop 1, Zana’s arch nemesis, isn’t happy: “To be honest I was zoing out.”
Back in the kitchen and the sauce isn’t reducing as much as they’d wish, but there’s another disaster looming. Jordan didn’t put the lid properly on the ice cream churner and half the mixture has ice crystals in it.
Jordan works to salvage it while Mama makes pappardelle ribbons using the pastry cutter handed down from her mum. They quibble over how much pasta to allow for each person. The soz is too watery, so they tip it off to reduce it.
Cop No. 2 must be worried she’s going to be eating Thumper: ” This may sound silly, but do they already come de-furred?”
Luckily Zana is a rabbit pappardelle expert and tells everyone what to expect.
Mama and Son plate up and, damn, it looks good. This photo doesn’t do it justice.


It’s chew time … Pete tries to scare them by asking if they’d tasted it: “Mama, you knocked me off my chair. That sauce was just profound.” The only tiny negative for him was the meat was a bit dry. “I’m loving eet. I’ll come buck tomorrow. The pasta are great. The rabbit is nice and jew-say.” So, 10 from Manu and 9 from Pete?
More importantly, what does Zana think? “It’s good. This is definitely the dish that has impressed me the most throughout this whole competition.” Plus One wants to have a Pasta Off, so you know he’s going down hard.
In the kitchen it’s dessert time and Jordan is not 100 per cent happy with his ice cream’s texture,but he is still going to serve it because he wants everyone to have a big scoop. Noooooo, Jordan – this is when you buy some cream or mascarpone at Coles as a back-up option.
Back in the dining room, poor Cougar is “not a big fan of ice cream”. Is that because she thinks it should be made with condensed milk?
Curly is afraid it will taste like soap due to the orange blossom and it’s a fair call, given we see Mama sloshing it into the bickie filling as well.
The pastry looks lovely and thin and we see the bickies are made by frying them. Ice cream flaws aside, they are the only team to serve proper ice cream that hasn’t melted by the time it hits the table.
Curlies can’t wait to dig in and are thinking Mama and Jordan could knock them off the top of the leaderboard.


Cue the chew … Manu: “I’m very satisfied one more time.” He likes the contrast of the warm biscuits and cold ice cream, but … Jordan knows the ice cream is to blame. Pete is happy, too. If they’d got the ice cream right it would be the best dessert in MKR history (Nic and Rocco, eat your heart out).
Curly finds the ice cream soapy on its own, but when combined with the bickie it’s yum. Even Zana likes it, so it must be delicious. Plus One has been watching too much How I Met Your Mother: “Challenge accepted.”

The scores: Cougar Town 9; Cops 9; Besties 8; Zana and that random guy 9; Curlies 8. Thumbs up to everyone for fair scoring, especially Cougar Town, who have a lot to lose. Total: 43/50
Judges: Entree Pete 7, Manu 7; Main Pete 9, Manu 10; Dessert Pete 9, Manu 9.
Total score: 94
Anna tears up at the thought her dear departed Dad’s recipes have been so well received.They now top the leaderboard by five points.
Tomorrow night it’s off to Victoria to see if Zana can cook. The promo shows them heading off to the shops in some sporty car and getting pulled over. Sucked in.



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I’m A Celeb Sun Night Recap – Eviction

Another great instalment from guest recapper Erin. Thank you, Erin!
After Chris and Julia open the show… We first see Anth tell Laurina off about some ricotta, she was looking for a spoon in their crate of cooking stuff, moved the ricotta around, Anth told her to be careful or it would leak, so she moved it on to a hot pan, so he said don’t put that there, it will melt. (As Anth described it later in the episode, he said it exactly how his mother would tell him if he was at home.)

Cut to the next day and Shane asks when the niceties might go and Havana says it has started, she tells Anth he was rude to Laurina last night, Anth takes offences so she tries to backtrack a little by saying maybe he was just too abrupt, but the damage is already done. Bonnie and Jo Beth try to defuse the situation by just reminding Havana that not everyone will get along etc. Havana just says she (and Laurina) thought how Anth has been behaving towards Laurina hasn’t been favourable. The discussion ends with Anth eventually walking off.

Courtney finally getting some airtime working out with Fev.

Back to the aftermath of Anth v Havana (and Laurina) Jo Beth tells Anth that Havana has been rude to others. Anth and JB think Havana was very out of line with what she said. Fev, Courtney and Chief come back from having been at the waterfall and get court up on the goss. Anth says he only told her off “like his mother would tell him off”. Fev tells Ant hot burn her rice tonight!

Akmal and Laurina, must go “fishing” for crocs in the tucker trial. In a croc cage, with 12 chickens attached to fishing lines and 120 crocs in the water. They have 12 mins get the cage across the water with no chickens left at the end, they’ll get 1 star for each chicken gone.

They get going, Chris and Julia help them a little… by pointing out where the crocs are. They get one chicken gone very quickly. Then 1 croc gets close but won’t take! They start tapping on the cage but it scares the crocs away. Unfortunately they end up with only 1 star. Not happy, they head back to camp.

Akmal and Laurina arrive back at camp with 1 star. Everyone tries to be positive, but they ain’t happy! Dinner arrives, its croc! They said when it was all cooked up it tasted pretty good.

Jo Beth talks to Paul about her Hey Hey and Funniest Video days and why she quit. Other than being exhausted from just being too busy, rumours came out that she had done a porno, and athough she had done nothing wrong, she didn’t like all the people talking about her, the impact it was having on her family so she just quit.

Dean and Havana secret mission – they must use Shanes dictaphone and secretly record a sound clip from each of the celebs and create a song. They get Val to burp, Akmal slaps his stomach, Bonnie to scream and apparently sounds from all the other celebs and go off to make their music.
A little later on the track is played for everyone, and they love it, they get a prize waiting for them at the waterful. Fruit juice and meat cook on a grill. All are very excited!

Last supper arrives it’s springbok shank.
There is a little chat about being the first out. Dean asks if they will upset being the first one out. Courtney (I forgot she was still there) she tells them all they should be very pound of their time there.
Time to boot someone out.

Julia has very appropriate footwear on again!
Bottom three are Courtney, Dean and Jo Beth.
Surely its not a shock, Courtney is booted.

Courtney joins Chris and Julia at the tree house. She is a little sad. Hardest was the baboons, and being stuck in camp.
They show some highlights – more footage than we’ve seen all week from her! She also mentions she struggled with not having enough food.
She gets to choose the next tucker trial, something about Ostriches, she picks Paul.

And that it until the Irwins drop by tomorrow night!



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First Dates premiere – catch-up TV

I missed the premiere of First Dates on Seven on Wednesday night. Goodness knows why – it’s not like My Kitchen’s Rank, Celeb Charades in the Jungle and Farmer Wants a Missus all launched in the same week. But now it’s Friday night and TV schedule is a little clearer, so it’s time to check out the catch-up TV options. In the First Dates premiere we meet international model Aiden, who likes running his hands through his own flowing locks. International models have had a rough trot on TV lately, with Dapper Dave from the Bachelorette lambasted for his stellar work in a Patons catalogue.

Give him a break - at least it wasn't a Cleckheaton catalogue.
Give him a break – at least it wasn’t a Cleckheaton catalogue.

Aiden is the hipster beardy kind of model who  wears a low-scoop neck tee. He’s never been on a blind date before. It looks as though the show has taken over a whole restaurant for filming purposes, which I guess makes it easier to get footage. And the staff (presumably wannabe actors who make a buck in hospitality) are in on the act, asking the lonely hearts leading questions like “Are you nervous?”. digestive issues. Model likes the Island/Polynesian look, so he’s in luck with the stunning Emily. She’s only 21 but is already sick of modern blokes not making an effort to be romantic. The producers have stuck Aiden at the bar with a drink to make him sweat a bit, although he’s a confident fellow who no doubt has been headhunted to be on the show. They meet and it’s a bit awks. Emily is from the Seychelles and Aiden doesn’t know where that is.

Pantene commercial being filmed at restaurant.
Pantene commercial being filmed at restaurant.

Cut to Bachelor No. 2 and it’s Nicholas Nicholas. Yes, for reals.

Just between us, NIck Nick, that outfit needs a rethink.
Just between us, Nick Nick, that outfit needs a rethink.

Poor Nick Nick is so nervous he asks for a straw for his tequila shot, for fear he will spill it all over himself. “I liken myself to an excitable puppy – like most puppies I’m loving and endearing, but like most puppies I end up pissing the floor and making a mess.” Date Dannii arrives and she looks like a girl who works out a lot and has a BFF who runs a spray-tanning biz. She normally goes for hunky tradies but has decided she needs to try something different. Nick x 2 definitely fits this bill. He cleverly tells Dannii the tequila is for her, but can’t maintain the charade and confesses all. She suggests he “balls up and take it like a man”. He does. Date No. 3 is 40-year-old Caterina who is rocking a coppery fro. She loves dancing with her gay BFFs but now wants tall and handsome. Date Chris fits that bill, but you know he’s a knob when he opens his mouth and tells the maitre d “Good evening – I believe I have arrived”. He greets Caterina by holding both her hands and speaking with lots of lingering pauses. It’s totes creepy.

I am going to lock you up in my cellar and never let you go.
I am going to lock you up in my Fritzltorium and never let you go.

Then he says: “You know what, if we’re going to spend a little bit of time together, let’s get lubricated.” Urgh – this guy needs to date Cougar from MKR. Over at Nick Nick’s table, Dannii has twigged Nick has forgotten her name. They enjoy a bit of banter about his general hopelessness. “Strike,” she laughs. At date No. 1 Emily is doing most of the talking, while at No. 3 Chris is going from bad to worse. Caterina must think it’s a gee up.

Am I an actor or just a creepy dude who's run out of Tinder swipes? You'll never know ... Mwah-ha-ha
Am I an actor or just a creepy dude who’s run out of credit for Tinder swipes? You’ll never know … Mwah-ha-ha

Date 4 begins and it’s Lauren, 28, and Corbin, 27. Lauren talks very, very, very fast and does not come across as desperate at all. I already know from the promos she has crazy eyes, so this should be excruciatingly compelling. They bother work in marketing so should be able to make small talk, but he’s in digital marketing and that’s “stuff I don’t know and I don’t like that stuff”. (Ha, ha – she’s just joking … but not really). Lauren is afraid, at the grand age of 28, that she is going to become a crazy cat lady and die alone. Usually this is an exaggeration but honestly, poor Lauren, for a marketing expert you’re not presenting the best side of yourself. You need to go on Gruen and be the subject of their “How Do You Sell …” segment. Over at another table, Double Nick sneaks off to the loo to phone a friend for help with his patter. He heads back to try it out on Danni, but halfway through actor/waiter Terry shows impeccable comic timing by arriving with their food. The Channel 7 editors cack themselves, cutting to a shot of a zucchini having its tip sliced off.

Emasculating Nick Nick.
Emasculating Nick Nick.

Seychelles Lady says she has never been in a relationship. Perhaps this is because she is still a baby at 21. Model is just throwing out the odd “mmmm”, “yeah”, “mmm” in response. At Date 3, creepy dude is refusing to divulge any information about his family, friends or career and is determined to stay in this character he has created. Meanwhile, Crazy Eyes talks her date through her training regime (up at 5am six days a week to train). Good on her, I guess, but then it gets weird when she orders the steak with cafe de Paris butter, but asks the waiter how much butter is in the butter? Umm, a lot? The waiter tries to stir the pot by suggesting she has chips with her steak. The steak arrives in all its buttery goodness and Corbin tries to keep the peace by agreeing with everything she says.

Get in my belly, steak.
Get in my belly, steak.

And the dates keep coming – glad they are not dragging everything out. Tom, 23, hails from Broken Hill, so they’ve dressed him in a blue shirt. He’s a well-spoken lad who’s never had a girlfriend, let alone a date at a fancy restaurant. Here comes Vanessa from Bright (uh oh – that’s a loooong way from Broken Hill). She’s only 19 and is a real sweetie. Tom, legend that he is, pulls out the chair for Vanessa, which is something the boys in Bright would never do. Note to Creepy Chris: Now that’s how to behave on a date. Date No. 1 is over. The don’t live in the same city, so a relationship would be tricky.

Would they like a second date?
Would they like a second date? Him: Yes Her: Not enough spark

Over at Date 2 Double Nick is quick with the compliments but he’s such a bumbler it’s endearing, not creepy. Speaking of which, Chris has challenged Caterina to stare into his eyes for four minutes. He takes her hand and starts stroking it. She is a very polite, tolerant woman. They’re splitting the bill, which we can see is $131. She puts in $70. Surely Channel 7 pays for their food and this is all a charade? creepy_bill After it’s over he finally let’s slip a little personal info. She says “maybe” to date two, he says “yes” so she upgrades it to a yes. Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaat! There must have been more footage of him being normal that didn’t make the final cut. datecreepend At the kids’ table Vanessa can’t believe what a polite, kind lad Tom is and he seems equally smitten. Corbin is wishing he could join them when Crazy Eyes explains she’s not crazy, it’s her past boyfriends who have set out to make her crazy because they can’t stand her being so awesome and un-crazy. Then she drops that one of her fave movies is Wedding Crashers and Corbin knows he’s in real trouble. Please, Channel 7, can you do a Second Dates series so we can try and find love for the normal people from this season. Back to the kids and Tom offers to write her a letter … awww … now every grandma in Australia wants him to be her adopted grandson. At date 2, Double Nick nicks off to fix up the bill, then gives whatsername a wooden heart with his name on it. She’s been a good sport.

Anyone for a second date? Double yes!
Anyone for a second date? Yes, for coffee.

The kids are on dessert and they are totally going to be going steady by the end of the night. Crazy Eyes: “If one more person gets married and has a baby, I’m going to die, just so you know.” Does he have a three-year-plan? Nup, he’s not a goal setter, unlike her. He pays the bill and she thinks he is boyfriend material. It’s time to ask Corbin if he wants to see Crazy Eyes again. “What am I meant to say?” he replies. And then it’s a no.

Corbin tries to let her down gently.
Corbin tries to let her down gently.

Poor girl – let’s hope it was the pressure of the TV cameras that got to her because she is going to cop it for a while. The bill arrives at the kids’ table and both reach for it. He insists it’s his treat, which given she’s only 19 and probably an impoverished student, seems fair. “I felt like a princess,” she says. They are both too shy to say they’d love a second date, but look at their hands.

And that, kids, is how I met your mother.
And that, kids, is how I met your mother.

At the end we get a montage of what happened next: Nick Nick has been too nervous to call Dannii for coffee, creepy dude disappeared and the young lovers have yet to go out – noooooooooooooooooo!



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The Farmer Wants A Wife premiere recap

Dear Daisy has kindly offered to take a crack at recapping the next ep (if anyone else wants to tackle other shows, be my guest!), so in the meantime here are a few thoughts on last night’s premiere.

We open with shots of farmers wistfully staring into the distance. They are pondering their heart-rending loneliness … or the size of their second mortgages.

New host Sam McClymont is personable and genuine, but to be honest the host could be pretty much anyone. It’s not like Survivor, which would be unthinkable without Jeff Probst, or Bachie without Osher.

Helicopter pilot Matt from cattle station Pilbara WA, is 25 but looks 40 – that’s sun exposure for you – and at least he looks like a real person. Actually, none of the blokes this season is a pretty boy, and that’s a good thing.

Farmer Adam is from Gippsland, Vic, where judging from the lush pasture it rains a lot. I’m not used to seeing farms that are green. He’s 25 and runs dairy cattle. Does a 25-year-old really need to settle down or am I cynical and thinking it is more about an extra pair of hands?

Single dad Julz, 36, is from Tumby Bay, SA (go SA) and has a cutie seven-year-old daughter. He’s the first farmer I’ve seen with a double ear piercing.

Cowboy Lance, 52, arrives and I can tell he’s from Queensland before it pops up on the sceen he’s from Rocky. He’s an ex-bullrider and seems a knockabout bloke. Has he suffered in the romance department because he did the rodeo circuit and never stayed put?

Shy oyster farmer Jedd, 37, from Coffin Bay, SA, arrives next. He was a  lawyer before deciding to have a seachange and heal is soul – perhaps he came up against that dreadful MKR woman in the courtroom. I like him already, although maybe it’s the thought of all-you-can-eat oysters that’s drawing me in.

Sidenote: What’s different about the house they’re filming this season at? It’s the same one, right, with the fountain, but they’ve painted it blue. Surely it used to be white?

And here comes Lachie, from Camden NSW, which is practically suburban Sydney so no hardship for whoever he picks. I didn’t watch Love At First Sight but from the rumours flying around it’s hard to believe he’s genuine. Hopefully he’ll prove us wrong and go on to be one of the FWAW suuccess stories.

Here are the girls and at least they are not all in sequins a la The Bachelor. There are even a few women in jeans – good on you, gals.

The lambs to the slaughter … cough … farmers … enter and their eardrums burst from to the screeching of the wannabe wives. Lance, aka older Dave Hughes, is lapping it up and Lachie goes in for cheek kisses. Urgh.

Time to sit on a hay bale and do awkward speed dating. Poor Jedd is struggling. “Do you like Game of Thrones?”. Well, I do, so I’m still wanting a trip to the oyster farm.

Matt tells Amelia in the red shoes that she is his fave and the feeling seems mutual.

Julz is given a stubby holder by Army Reservist and economist Megan and they both love shooting, so let’s hope he picks her and not some 20-year-old beautician type.

A few of the girls have donned hats to stand out and it’s working, although the nice girl is wearing white pants, so let’s hope she doesn’t pack them for the farm.

Lachie’s girls seem to be the ones with the most makeup and Lance’s ladies love his hand-holding forwardness. Lorraine and Lance are clicking, despite Lance referring to himself in the third person. She’s 49 and looks like she could do with a nice fella to give her some TLC.

Jedd is liking Sam and her skinny jeans while Lance is sparking with Karen. Why do all Lance’s ladies look like hardworking barmaids from Outback pubs?

It’s time for the farmers to sort the wheat from the chaff.

Adam picks his four, including sweet Elsie in the black and red check dress, a couple of randoms and the blonde hat girl in the white pants.

Julz of the broad shoulders picks the fellow shooter and some others. Don’t think there are any divas in this bunch, so that will be a relief.

Matt’s girls are younger, so there’s greater potential for diva behaviour and cluelessness about farm life. His picks include the tall girl whom he said was his fave. Last pick is April, who looks like a younger version of Suzie from The Block. Sorry, April, if that’s an insult. Matt could face the toughest challenge in that his property is a long, long way from anywhere.

Farmer Jedd is about to make his picks and – drama, drama – the music gets tense and the girl in the lovely black dress speaks. Looks like we’re heading for a “it’s not you, it’s me” speech already. Yep, she’s realised she’s not made for a competitive dating show and so he has to come up with a replacement. So now the girls chosen will always be wondering if they were choice No. 5. No surprise he picks Sam in the jeans.

Lachie’s wannabe wives are a lustful bunch and many have seen his previous show. Pick No. 2 says she didn’t watch. One of the leftover girls says through gritted teeth she hopes there’s a wedding at the end of the show.

Lance’s unselected girls will be devo. Can’t we have a spin-off show to find them all nice boyfriends or at least send them off for a spa weekend? Susie is a domestic engineer – does that mean she’s a stay-at-home-mum or is that a real title? She seems like a handful. His last pick is the well-groomed Lisa, who stands out a bit from the other ladies, and not just because she knows how to pick a supportive bra. Taking a punt here that Lisa is post-divorce or perhaps a health battle and is now determined to try something new. Good on her.



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MKR season premiere recap

Ah, MKR. There you are. Where would we be without new reality show cooks to moan about?

Montage and more montage, then Kitchen HQ. How many minutes will it be before someone actually turns on a stove – I’m guessing at least 17.

Manu welcomes the best home “kooks” and says Sydney’s Monique and Sarah are first. Pete does not do much talking – feeling faint from lack of carbs?

The Mt Druitt cops (now that’s a tough gig, so reality TV should be a breeze) start the day right with coffee and pastries. I am liking them already.

Then the paddle boarding, pug-loving one utters the danger phrase: “If we forget anything off that list, this could be devastating for us.” This definitely won’t jinx them because that never happens on MKR.

The judges have a squiz at the menu and don’t have anything particularly nasty to say (kinda hard to be mean about someone whose job is helping victims of domestic violence). The menu is:

Entree: Caramelised onion, roasted beetroot and goat’s cheese tart.

Main: Crispy-skinned salmon with thrice-cooked chips and lemon and dill sauce.

Dessert: Sticky fig and date pudding with white chocolate and coconut rum sauce.

There are three danger phrases here: “crispy-skinned” (hard to achieve when you are amateurs cooking for so many people in a home kitchen; “thrice-cooked chips” (any watchers of MasterChef know contestants always run out of time to deliver on the thricedness of their spuds and instead settle for less posh twice-cooked or, quelle horreur, once-cooked!); and white chocolate, which is not a real chocolate and should be fed only to children who don’t have the palate for the deliciousness that is dark chocolate.

Uh oh – the girls tore their list and can’t remember what’s missing. Luckily they find the scrap of paper on the floor as there are not enough staff to clean up rubbish in this Coles store (or a producer is keeping brooms at bay).

Their instant restaurant is called “Crime and Nourishment”. Wonder if the police theme was pushed upon them – apparently some nice glassware and a few flowers is not entertaining enough for tellie.

It’s tart time. All that beetroot is going to be a pain to peel but at least they have a lovely big oven. The pastry blind baking is not going to plan – more chilling needed, perhaps?

Cut to the guests arriving and Red Lippy Chick is obviously our villainess for the season (although I thought that about Ash last time and she actually turned out to be a bit of a hoot and to have some cooking chops). It is going to be really hard for her to eat without getting a mouthful of her side part.

The girls are still doing prep for the entree and there has been no mention of the fish – let’s hope it’s already pinboned – or dessert. Lippy Chick cements her Evil League of Evil credentials by saying she and hubby are filthy rich lawyers who hate uggerly people. Her soundtrack is Jason Derulo’s “Talk Dirty To Me” and “Maneater” (not the Hall and Oates version, the grindy Nelly Furtado one).Hubby is just a prop in all this.

Poor people smell funny.
Poor people smell funny.

The editors follow this up with footage of normal people, Rosie and Paige from SA (go, home team!). Curly-haired Mitch and sister Laura are the babies at 20 and 18 but they look older.

Back to the tarts … is she not going to trim them? For the love of god, trim the tarts, woman.

Cougar Town, aged 50 and 26, are introduced to the subtle sound of Yello’s “Oh, Yeah … (chick, chicka!)”. Classy. But it’s okay because she’s friends with his mum. The SA chicks confide in confessional that it’s creepy. Yep, SA for the win!

The mum and son from WA are up next … not much memorable here.

Pete and Manu pull up to the strains of Kings of Leon’s “Your Sex is on Fire”. Really, Channel 7? Really? Aren’t we over the “Manu is French and is sooo hot and Pete has twinkly blue eyes” schtick? No, we’re not because after the ad they break out Beyonce’s “Crazy in Love” and some of the female contestants go gaga. Totes embarrassing. Curly Sue starts crying with excitement.

Manu wants them to “raze the barn”. Should he be encouraging arson in front of two police officers?

Lippy Chick sets herself up for future failure by boasting of her tart prowess.

Tart assembly time and the tarts have magically been trimmed. Phew! Uh oh – wooden chopping boards with a balsamic glaze drizzle, so impossible to touch the plate without getting sticky fingers. The serves are large for an entree but at least they’ve dressed the mountain of rocket.  Not much goat’s cheese and no drizzle on the tart itself.

The cameraman whose sole job is to capture shots of the judges chewing finally leaps into action. Ad break and then more of that riveting, expressionless chewing. Uh oh – they’ve gone the glass of water, but  Manu actually likes the flavour, presentation and the pastry. Pete says their nerves got to them – he wanted glaze on the beetroot and more cheese – but it was a decent first shot.

The cops are happy and the guests echo the judges’ comments. Lippy Chick is pulling some awesome “this is gross” faces that she’s been practising in the mirror at home to ensure maximum camera attention. When did she last eat a chip? 2010?

Uh oh, they are having trouble with their skin (called it!).  Manu pops into the kitchen to interrogate them on their chip technique and leaves the mum of four in a puddle of lust on the floor.

It’s salmon time and the chips are now a garnish, not a complement to the fish. Three chips on a raft of salmon swimming in sauce does not fish and chips make. Practise your plating next time, gals. Pete will be happy the dish is mostly protein. The salmon looks a bit over. Manu thinks the sauce needs more love and they are rightly told off for their paucity of potato.

 

Jordan the Son eats like a 14-year-old boy who’s just got home from school.

Dessert time and it’s a wintry one given the summery vibe of their previous dishes.

The guests are getting naughty with the props and if one of the cops lives there for real she is going to have to apologise to the neighbours about the noise. Dessert plating looks fine, with fresh fig to hopefully balance the sweetness of the sauce, of which there is plenty.


Uh oh – Manu says there is too much sauce … whaaat! Oh well, better than not enough. Pete wants more “wow” and a dollop of cream. SA chick: “It’s like the pudding is drowning in the sauce and we need to rescue it.” A sauceboat may have saved them.

Time for scores and I’m expecting the teams to play hardball from the get go.

Lippy Chick and her Plus One: 6

Mum and Son: 6

Curly Wurlies: 6

SA Normals: 6

Cougar Town: 6

It’s 30/50, which is decent. Even Lippy Chick did not want to be the bad guy first up.

Entree: Manu 7, Pete 7

Main: Manu 5, Pete 6 (backing me up on the overcooked salmon – thank you)

Dessert: Manu 7, Pete 6 (seems generous given their comments).

Total score: 68. They should be safe.

Curly Wurlies are up next in Melbourne. See you tomorrow night!

 



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I’m a Celebrity … Get Me Out of Here Now

Joel Creasey and Heather Maltman on the after show.
Joel Creasey and Heather Maltman on the after show.

The I’m A Celeb after show screens on Channel 11 at 9.30pm and is hosted by actress/Bachelorette contestant Heather Maltman and comedian/former I’m a Celeb contestant Joel Creasey who are now BFFs (so long, Chrissie Swan).

They start with a montage of the celebs politely pretending to know who each other is. More BFF banter then cut to camp and boring shots of the girls chatting about moisturiser. Yep, it’s all happening here. You can vote on Twitter or Facebook for who you want to do a Tucker Trial – if you’re a 13-year-old girl, that is.

It’s hard to do a behind-the-scenes show when nothing much has happened yet. They’re padding out the show by rerunning footage of the celebs walking down the red carpet, most of the girls baby giraffes in their in high heels. Joel makes some nicely snarky comments about Dean wearing Tarocash and the Chief looking like a tax agent.

Joel reveals Laurina is his early pick to win because she cooks and does the dishes. At camp, the celebs are struggling to play Charades because some of them aren’t into reading and kultcha.

BFFs do an awkward video chat with Merv Hughes – I’d forgotten he was in it last year. Joel says a couple of celebs are already thinking of skedaddling, 48 hours in. That must be when the clause for their appearance fee runs out.

Cut to  animal experts giving a talk about how puff adders are going to kill them all stone dead, then more filler. While Heather is finding her feet on camera I do prefer their schtick to JMo’s super ham and Chris’s straight man act. And Heather looks fab, but playsuits belong on four-year-olds, not grown women.

What do we think Warnie’s luxury item will be? I say ciggies. Apparently he’s a 40 a day man, so if it’s not smokes expect a very angsty Warney. Will he be carrying around a rock and pretending it’s a mobile phone?  Or carving a cricket bat out of a branch? A game of French cricket would  liven up the camp footage.

And that’s pretty much it. Ten minutes of footage stretched out to an hour that was really an ad for Channel 10’s new show: I’m Too Cool to Play Charades … Get Me Out of Here.

 



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I’m a Celebrity – live recap

Akmal SalehAkmal Saleh

Anthony CalleaAnthony Callea

Bonnie LythgoeBonnie Lythgoe

Brendan FevolaBrendan Fevola

Courtney HancockCourtney Hancock

Dean GeyerDean Geyer

Havana BrownHavana Brown

Jo Beth TaylorJo Beth Taylor

Laurina FleureLaurina Fleure

Paul HarroganPaul Harrogan

Shane WarneShane Warne

Val LehmanVal Lehman

LIVE BLOG (SA TIME):  Missed the first minute and tuned in to see Akmal has already arrived. Yay – he’s good value.

They are moving quickly – it’s Bonnie Lythgoe (ex-wife of Nigel Lythgoe, creator of So You Think You Can Dance). Makes sense –  she was a judge on the Aussie version years ago, which was a Channel 10 product. Was there a little bit of her contract left to use up? Yes, I watched it but I wonder if many of the other celebs did. She and Akmal politely pretend to know who the other is.

30 seconds later  – it IS Anthony  Callea, ex-Australian Idol singer. Poor lad must be sweating in that glittery jacket.

Courtney Hancock is next. Sorry, I don’t know you, champion ironwoman, but you seem nice. No-one else knows her either.

Bonnie confesses she has never slept in a sleeping bag. She is going to be the Maureen of the season.

Paul “The Chief” Harrogan is the NRL captain – hadn’t thought of him at all. He knows who Akmal is. Phew.

Here comes the helicopter … darn, it’s only Chris and JMo, who tell them they will be trekking to the camp together. Five angry blokes with pregnant bellies AKA parachute backpacks pop out to give everyone the willies. Our Famous Five realise they will have to jump out of a plane. Geez, who’d have thunk that was a possibility on a show like this. “Just think of it as an instant facelift,” say Callea. Good one, Ant. They will have to change into their khaki shirts and red pants. Luckily Ant has red dacks on already .

12 mins in: I’ll give Ten credit – they are ripping right through it. JMo is wearing a super shiny blue retro swing dress but it is it just me or does she not really look like her? I prefer her usual make-up and do.

17 mins in: Cut to pre-recorded confessionals. Bonnie does not want to share a toilet. Please, someone, make her swim in a vat of elephant poo like last year.

OMG It’s Jo Beth Taylor! Didn’t pick that – she’s ex-Channel Nine. Guess that rules out Toni Pearen then.

Yes, as we already know, it’s Val Lehman: Bea Smith from Prisoner. Jo Beth knows who she is but I don’t think it’s reciprocated.

And, it’s Fev (Brendan Fevola), to be this season’s Barry Hall. Jo Beth introduces herself as JB. Fev is afraid of snakes, spiders and, errr, mozzies.

The international DJ is Havana Brown and she knows Fev. She is kinda famous overseas but I’m tipping not many TTV readers will know her. Will find some links to her songs later.

Dean Geyer – another Idol contestant! His family moved here from South Africa years ago. I last saw him playing a buff marine type in Terra Nova, a US sci-fi series filmed in Queensland. Must be between gigs. He came third on the season of Idol won by Damien Leith (the Irish guy with the beautiful voice), with runner up Jessica Mauboy.

We were right – it is Laurina Fleure from Bachie Blake Dirty Dog season. She will be good TV.

 JMo and Chris are back. Let’s hope Fev offers to carry Val’s bag for her. They have to canoe to camp. Deano puts his tank top on backwards and has to have Fev point it out. D’oh.

32 mins in: More precorded confessionals. All pretty tame so they have to cut to a clip of a scary-looking snake. Chris has placed a wooden statue of a gazelle between him and JMo to keep her mitts off him.

The Famous Five get the speech on how a lion could eat them when they land, although there’s probably  more danger of being shot accidentally by one of the armed guard.

Val is cacking herself because Fev can’t steer a canoe and they go backwards. Laurina is the first one to say shit as she and Jo Beth capsize. Jo Beth then clocks herself in the face with her own oar. Let’s hope she didn’t smash a tooth. Havana benefits from the fact Dean looks like he’s rafted before, plus she’s not a 72-year-old woman.

We’re still waiting on the 12th celeb – is this Warnie?

 To recap, we have:

Akmal

Bonnie

Ant

Havana

Laurina

Jo Beth

Courtney Ironwoman

Fev

Paul Harrogan

Deano

Val

43 mins in: Heather (ex-Bachelorette) and Joel Creasey, who host the after-show, say g’day. We know they are cool because Joel is wearing art curator glasses and Heather is in a playsuit.

Cut to the sky and they have to push Harrogan out of the chopper. He’s a big unit so that skydiver must have some guns. He’s packing death and fair enough – I wouldn’t do it. The River Tribe is waiting to welcome the Sky People. So we have khaki shirts versus navy shirts – is this a two tribes scenario, a la Survivor?

Poor Courtney lands a bit hard and looks shaken. Bonnie jumps and there are no creases on her forehead – it can’t be just the effect of the wind. She’s a bit teary. Akmal pretty much takes it in his stride and lands standing up, leaving Ant to sweat it out on his own.

54 minutes in: Not a lot of ads tonight – I’m  surprised. Is KFC not on board this year? Ant jumps: “I’m never, ever doing this again.” So, Ant to win?

JMo is getting more texts. HAS to be Warnie. Ok, I was wrong – it’s another ad! Ten is using I’m A Celeb to lure people into staying to watch the X Files. I’ve seen part of the first ep and, honestly, it ain’t worth it. Duchovny is just dialling it in for the moolah. Can you believe they initially fought against giving Gillian the same money as DD? Makes me even less inclined to watch.

One hour in: The core 11 celebs arrive at the first Tucker Trial, which is how they win extra food. They are dangling above vats of fish guts and offal. Celebs must use their mouths to pick up stars from boxes crawling with the usual gross insects. Akmal and Val try not to swallow any mealworms and are giving it a good crack. Box 2 is cockroaches and Bonnie does surprisingly well, beating Fev. Havana and Ant try not to drown putting their heads in a tank of eels. Box 4 is 14kg of maggots. Deano laps it up and Court does well. Laurina and Harrigan have scorpions – they’ve saved them for her, expecting her to freak.

72 mins in: Laurina smashes it and seals the win for her team. So, Sky People are going to get dunked. Akmal jumps out but is made to hop back in. It’s not that bad – their heads didn’t even get slimed. The worst bit is they know a hot shower is a long way off. The others have to tell Dean and Fev what a long drop and a short drop are. Jo Beth gives delivers the horrifying news that if they poo in the wrong one they have to scoop it out with their hands. This could lead to trouble.

They get a teeny dinner of biltong and salad. Why not give them the ingredients and make them cook it? More interesting than watching them get handed food.

85 mins in: It’s dark and the Sky Peeps finally make it to camp, looking knackered. After trying to start the fire for ages the celebs finally twig they have a flame in their lantern and can use that. Some of the dunkees burn their rank undies. Val kindly tries to teach Ant how to cook rice – he buys the pre-cooked packs at home. Tim must be the chef of the couple, or perhaps Mama Callea cooks and drops off care packages for them.

Fev thinks the jungle noises are fake. JoBeth needs a Panadeine Forte desperately. Harrogan is snoring – everyone wants to kill him. Fev snores, too.

The plane with Celeb No. 12 lands and, shock, horror, it’s Mr Yeah Yeah. But – cliffhanger – they are saving his entrance for tomorrow night.

Phew – that was a jam-packed 90 minutes. So, who do we think will be out first? Court?

I leave you with this classic from Jo Beth:



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MKR – My Kitchen Rules

How skinny is Pete? Does Manu have enough sauce? This is the place to chat about MKR disasters (remember the bought curry paste?) and triumphs. The new season starts Monday, February 1 on Seven.

So, who is the new judge? There’s a bit of chatter it may be Rachel Khoo. If you watch the new SBS food channel you’ll see her Kitchen Notebook shows.

Here’s the promo (love the dress):

And here’s a link to her website with some photos of her. http://www.rachelkhoo.com/books/rachel-khoos-kitchen-notebook What do you think?

And here are the team blurbs as per the official MKR website (here’s the link https://au.tv.yahoo.com/my-kitchen-rules/teams/#page1). What, only one SA team this year? Are Adelaide cooks holding out for MasterChef?

QLD: Best mates Alex and Gareth are almost each other’s shadows. From Mackay, they live together on the Sunshine Coast and both work in fly in/fly out mining jobs. And these 25-year-olds have both been saving in the hope of chasing a food dream in the near future.

QLD: Hailing from Brisbane, sales/marketing manager Cheryl and student Matt are used to people misinterpreting their relationship. Mum-of-one Cheryl, 50, has been happily dating 26 year-old Matt for the past 18 months and says he won her over with his chicken Caesar salad.

QLD: For Nelly, 25, it was love at first sight when she met her new boss JP, 30. Luckily, after leaving the job love blossomed along with a healthy appreciation of nutritional food. Now “tea obsessed” Nelly wants to wow the MKR dining table with her tea-infused menu along with some help from her beau, who just happens to be the son of a French chef.

VIC: Facebook is to thank for Jessica and Marcos following their food dream and applying for MKR. Childhood friends, they lost touch after Jessica, 30, moved. But these old Sydney school friends reconnected online and discovered their shared love of healthy eating after Marcos, 29, also migrated to Melbourne. Now they’re ready to rattle the competition with their raw and nutritious menus.

VIC: Siblings Mitch, 21, and Laura, 19, may be the youngest cooks in the competition, but you won’t find many teens dishing up offal quite like these pair. Avid fans of nose-to-tail cooking, they are inspired by the great produce surrounding their rural Mornington Peninsular home. Both students, they are yet to decide where their future lies but the lure of the kitchen is hard to resist at times.

VIC: Siblings Tasia, 26, and Gracia, 24, can fight like the best of sisters, but they say it only fuels their passion in the kitchen. After growing up in Indonesia, India and Australia, these homely cooks have very big international influences on their cooking style. Just don’t tell anyone they fear they can’t cook rice without a rice cooker!

VIC: Newlyweds Gianni, 27, and Zana, 24, don’t do things by halves. About to open their own law firm in Melbourne, these high achievers have the MKR title in their sight. And they aim to win it while educating viewers on traditional Montenegrin food.

SA: Mum-of-two Rosie, 37, and best friend Paige, 34, love nothing more than a gossip in the kitchen. There they are happy to experiment with creating flavourful healthy food and with a wine in hand they can “solve the world’s problems”. The next step in their future is a wedding event company for Rosie, and a providore for Paige.

WA: After meeting each other two years ago, Nev and Kell found they shared a passion for food. Nev, 48, a control room attendant, thinks it’s the “duck’s nuts” to be on MKR. No need for prize money, he would’ve done it just for the apron says cleaner Kell, 44.

WA: Anna, 55, was destined to have one of her four sons grow up to be her sidekick in the kitchen and Jordan, 23, is happy to take up the role. Although her young apprentice has a few of his own ideas on making Anna’s traditional Maltese and Italian dishes a tad healthier.

NSW: Workmates Sarah, 26, and mum-of-four Monique, 33, bonded over their love of food in their stressful office. As police officers, work is serious and coming home to cook is a good relaxer for these two.

NSW: Luciano, 49, was one of the first people Martino, 48, met when he moved to Australia 11 years ago. After dancing the night away at Mardi Gras, they became instant friends and began throwing Italian dinner parties showcasing authentic dishes for their lucky friends. Now as they approach 50, they are ready for a big change and cooking just might be the answer.



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Put down the remote and have a chat

Welcome to a new site about watching TV. Whether you love a show or loathe it, this is the place to talk about it. Reality TV – especially Australian content – is my guilty pleasure but those with more highbrow tastes are also welcome. However, if you’re a fan of Two and a Half Men you may want to slink away to another corner of the interweb … Bear with me while I find my feet with this new-fangled technology.

Cheers

Admin Juz

PS: You no longer need to register to comment. If the spambots attack this may change. If you want to email me, check out the contact page.



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