Category: My Kitchen Rules

MKR – Sun, Feb 21

Tonight’s the night we find out if Villain Jess and He of the Serial Killer stare, Marcos, can walk the talk.
Of course, we start with footage of them working out, then it’s a rehash of some of their most villainous quotes. after a week of seeing them on TV it’s only now we learn she works in OH&S for the construction industry (is she like Safety Cam on The Block?) and he’s an amateur boxer (does that mean he is unemployed?).
They “mates from Melbourne” have chosen to do a vegetarian menu, and it’s a gutsy move as it’s certainly easier to create crowd-pleasing, punchier flavours using meat.
Their menu is:
Entree: Herb and zucchini fritters with fennel flat bread and yoghurt sauce (sounds very simple).
Main: Stained Glass Lasagne with Mushroom Ragu (yum!)
Dessert: Spiced carrot and pineapple cake with carrot and ginger jelly (not sure about the jelly component).
In Coles, Jess is buying canned pineapple for the cake and is careful to buy one that does not have added sugar. However, she has no qualms about purchasing a brand that comes from Thailand, rather than Aussie grown.

Shopping in Coles is fun. Hang on, why are we in the medicine aisle?
Shopping in Coles is fun. Hang on, why are we in the medicine aisle?

All of a sudden Jess is about food being a balance of naughty and nice – this from the woman who cut out easting chocolate because she loved it too much…
Back home and they are setting up the restaurant in their cooking time, so we know they’ll be running late al night.
Their restaurant, The Upper Cut, is a 1920s boxing theme. Who comes up with this stuff?
Finally they are in the kitchen with only 1 hour 46 minutes to go.
Jess gets started on the cakes: “I’ve made this recipe so many times I am just going to freeball it.” They are talking up how the cake uses the pineapple’s natural sweetness, but then Jess adds at least one cup of brown sugar. Umm, just because it’s brown, Jess, it doesn’t make it healthy.
Marcos is sous chef tonight and he’s moving too slowly on the mushrooms for Jess’s taste. Luckily, as he says: “I like taking orders.”
I’m surprised they made they mushroom sauce so tomatoey – I was picturing a mushroom and goat’s curd-type deal.
They get changed (and, yes, Jess is wearing a weird blingy playsuit that just covers her boobs – hopefully no-one glances sideways when she’s leaning over to put a dish on the table) and when they return one of the cakes looks overdone. Only now is Jess making pasta dough and it looks like a small quantity.
But where are the knee socks?
But where are the knee socks?

j closeup
The guests arrive and are awkwardly greeted. In the kitchen Marcos has not left the food processor all night – he’s done carrots, mushrooms and now zucchini. Pete and Manu arrive to what sounds like Jet’s Cold Hard Bitch – are you trying to tell us something, editors?
The teams check out the menu and quickly pick up on the oil and carbs being used – and the lack of protein.
In the kitchen they are just starting to make their fritters and Jess comments they don’t want them to be too salty. Uh oh, here comes another underseasoned dish. The producers send Pete into the kitchen to try and rattle them and he gets to hear Jess tell him the entree came to her in a dream. He ripostes with: “Do you think it’s going to be a dream or a nightmare for the guests out there?” One point to Pete.
The fritters look tasty but it’s definitely two dishes crammed on one plate. And no garnish of fresh herbs or salsa.


Time to watch the judges masticate …
Pete must have been hoping for some yummy healthy food that’s right up his alley. “It’s halfway there .. sort of.” The fritters lack flavour, while the sauce is terrific. Manu points out the fritter and bread together don’t make sense.
The guests are underwhelmed and Nev and Kell are happy they are in with a chance.
In the kitchen they haven’t started on the jelly yet. That’s going to take forever to set, even in a thin sheet.
They are making the stained glass pasta – layering flat-leaf parsley between the sheets for effect – and the lasagne looks lovely and thin. (I appreciate their use of a container of gelatine powder as a measuring tool, since I bought that exact purple container of gelatine four hours ago.) However, in the dining room it’s been 90 minutes since entree and the guests are getting antsy. Where do Pete and Manu go between courses? Do they have ritzy trailers out in the street where Manu can watch soccer and Pete can meditate?
The pasta is finally served and the guests mistake the mushroom duxelle for beef and get excited.


Chew time … Pete likes the stained glass effect and that it’s meat free but, says the tomatoes are too strong. Manu is not happy that the mushrooms have been minced to mimic meat rather than sliced. Jess opines the whole point is to trick the senses, but Manu does not look impressed. Again the dish is underseasoned.
The Italians give props for the texture of lasagne sheets but apparently Jess has served them a severed horse’s head as well, because they are brutal about the flavour.
In the kitchen Jess wisely slices the burnt crust off the cake but she and Marcos are fighting about the amount of icing sugar to put in the icing. Marcos knows they will get bagged out if their dessert is not sweet.
After a wait of 2 hours and 15 mins they serve dessert. Don’t know why it took so long – perhaps some of the dessert making we were shown earlier didn’t actually occur til later.

Time to chews … Manu is missimg the spice of the cake … and the pineapple … and the sugar. “Sigh” pretty much sums up his comments. Pete also thinks it’s not sweet enough, so you know it must have been really bland.
If they wanted a dessert that wasn’t too sweet, why not
Credit to Nev, who’s on the chopping block – he’s a big fan of the jelly. And the Italians appreciate the moistness of the cake.
Scores: Argh, I’ve typed out this: Sisters ; Miners ; Nev and Kell ; Lovebirds; Italians … but of course we have to go to kitchen HQ to get the scores as it’s the last cook of the round.
Judges: Entree Pete 4, Manu 4; Main Pete 7, Manu 7; Dessert Pete 3, Manu 2.
Guest score: 11/50. Ouch! That means four 2s and one 3.
For a total of 38. Jess and Marcos remain stoic but you can tell they are upset.

And here comes Group 1 again, just when we’d forgotten them, and in strides Colin like a rock star and the girls are even more excited than when they met Manu.

The Fassnidge Effect.
The Fassnidge Effect.

Colin makes the shocking announcement there is a whole other group of cooks. Erm, isn’t this the EXACT SAME TWIST as last year? New villains Lauren and Dee are introduced. Could Channel 7 not at least rustle up a bitchy gay guy to provide some snide comments this season?
Anyway, it will be good to see what Rachel Khoo makes of it all, and if she has a new show coming to Channel 7, as currently she’s on SBS.



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MKR – Wed, Feb 17

Nev and the Missus cooked and it most definitely was not the duck’s nuts?

Sorry, didn’t have time for a full recap for this one.

Here is the menu and pix of the finished dishes (they’ve made the dangerous move of listing every ingredient, so there’s no wriggle room.
Entree: Seared scallops with corn puree and crumbed crackling.
Main: apple cider pork belly with fennel chips, honey carrots and gravy
Dessert: Apple pie with vanilla ice cream

Some thoughts:
* Don’t you wish you could afford to walk into a shop and buy 50 scallops.
* The Hollywood theme looked more tacky Las Vegas.
* One thing that impressed me when the sisters cooked was their use of about three different timers stuck to the fridge – perhaps Nev could take a tip and not burn his crackle – TWICE – next time.
* Jess’s outfit was the most normal yet, but looked like a synchronised swimming costume that has been turned into a dress. Her makeup looked less harsh than at past restaurants. And no compression socks – yay.

Top half looks quite nice; shame about the rest.
Top half looks quite nice; shame about the rest.

n jessoutfit

* Good flow of flavours throughout the planned menu, from the crackling dust on the scallops, to the pork crackle of the main with apple cider to the apple pie.
* I thought he’d said they’d made fennel chips before, right?
* Was that hot apple they put in the pie? Surprised she didn’t make the pie pastry at the start of the night so it could rest. That pie could have been baking while the pork was resting. Why not do two pies? The also could have quenelled the ice cream and put it back in the freezer, ready to serve. It’s not like they were doing lots of tricky stuff while the main was cooking – just those disastrous fennel chips.
* What up a beat up of the “drama” between Jess and “bitchy” Luciano.
* Loved the comment from Martino (and where is his hat, by the way?): “They’ve killed the fennel. It’s dead; completely dead. This is a funeral.”
* Looking forward to having Colin back on screen, and the introduction of Rachel Khoo, but not sure if I have the stamina for yet another round of new faces. Who will be our new villain? Please can we have a bloke this time?
* Was her “tastes like bought” ice cream worse than Cougar’s? Sure, she used vanilla essence, but at least there was no condensed milk.
* Kell is definitely the calm one under pressure.
Team scores: Miners 4; Lovebirds 7 (what the heck!); Sisters 5; Italians 4; Jess and That Dude 3.
Judges: Entree Pete 9, Manu 9; Main Pete 6, Manu 6 (both seem overly generous – scoring to ratchet up the tension?); Dessert Pete 2, Manu 1 (ouch!).
Total: 56.
* I don’t know why Pete said their entree was “thinking outside of the box”; sure they did well but it’s hardly a new dish.

This Sunday night is the moment of truth for Jess and He of the Serial Killer Stare, and he promises: “We’re going to mark the highest ever for My Kitchen Rules.”



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MKR, Tues, Feb 16 – The Lovebirds

So, what do we think the missing ingredient is that we see Mr Nice dashing to the servo for?

JP and Nelly - The Lovebirds.
JP and Nelly – The Lovebirds.

And here’s the my recap: It’s Mr Nice and Little Miss Sunshine AKA JP and Nelly from Queensland. They work in marketing and tea ambassadorship – does that mean she sells tea?
Their mums are Polish and his dad is a retired French chef, so hopefully they’ve learnt some terrific European-style cooking.
First up on their shopping trip is a stop at the Silva [sic] Spoon at Cotton Tree, near Maroochydore, because the tea ambassador likes to cook with tea.
Entree is a traditional Polish pastry that’s loaded with butter, so they know Jess is going to loooove it. Not.
Again we’ve absolutely whipped through the shopping trip and are home to create a beachy vibe by throwing some sand around the dining room (this can’t be their house – no way would I do that at my place) and for a subtle close-up of the sponsor’s iced tea.

Their menu is: Entree: Potato and cheeses pierogi with bacon and sage sauce.
Main: Rib eye with celeriac mash and lapsang souchong barbecue sauce.
Dessert: Chai-infused creme brulee

They start working on the pierogi and dessert. An hour into the cook they are happy and confident and Nelly starts on some raspberry black tea ice cream to go with the creme brulee.
JP is working on the pierogi filling and is happy with the potato and cheese flavour yet. He’s doing a sauerkraut-style salad to give a bit of acid balance to the entree.
Uh oh – the guests are arriving and Jess’s white knee socks are back! This time paired with black platform sandals. Why do they dress her like an anime character?

Did she wear compression socks on the plane and forget to take them off?
Did she wear compression socks on the plane and forget to take them off?

JP and Nelly are tagged The Lovebirds, so we get lots of slow-mo, smoochies and soppy music. Urgh. Nelly is dancing with excitement and squealing as she greets her guests. In real life this could be sweet or really, really annoying.
The guests admire but I’m with Jess’s serial killer stare friend when he says: “We’re more coffee people.”
And here come the judges, with Manu in his tablecloth jacket stolen from the wardrobe of Matt Preston.

I'm going to take this jacket and sell it to Channel 7.
I’m going to take this jacket and sell it to Channel 7.
Pete, who can we sell this jacket to at Channel 9?
Pete, who can we sell this jacket to at Channel 9?

Looking at the menu the miners are intimidated, and Non-Man Bun worries he will soon be back working at the mine.
Jess, who has Polish heritage, explains to the others that pierogi is a kind of dumpling and says “everything about this entree speaks to me; never mind the calories. I’m just really excited for it.” The guests are shocked by her pro-carb stance.
The pierogi hold together in the water and The Lovebirds are happy.

Time for the judges to masticate, but first, an ad break to remind us 7Flix launches at the end of the month.
Back to Manu, who does a classic fakeout: “Let’s start with the negatives … there wasn’t enough.” Pete applauds their addition of the pickled cabbage: “That was a beautiful plate of food.”
The guests are loving the butter, cheese and potato but they are more excited by the fact Jessica cleaned her plate.
“I’m really impressed .. it was amazing,” she says. Is she being nicer now her instant restaurant is looming.
In the kitchen the couple are on to the mains and, to show how love up they are, Robin Thicke’s Blurred Lines (with lyrics Nothin’ like your last guy, he too square for you; He don’t smack that ass and pull your hair for you So I’m just watchin’ and waitin’; For you to salute the truly pimpin’; Not many women can refuse this pimpin’; I’m a nice guy, but don’t get confused, you git’n it!… yep, they’ve nailed JP and Nelly’s relationship with that choice of song).
The rib eyes are massive and everyone should be happy with the serving size. Mr Nice Guy makes a sauce to go with it using the tea.
Nelly is having trouble with the puree as the celeriac bits are lumpy, because they cooked it in a frypan. She swears – more than once – and the Snow White facade cracks. JP wants to roll with it because timing is critical for his steaks, which he correctly says are the stars. Just chuck the mash in the microwave, guys, cook it, then add more butter and cream – sorted.
JP tests one of his steaks and it is on the rare side, so he’s not happy. Nelly is chucking mini tanties over the mash, still. I’m surprised they sliced the steak -I thought they’d dish up the big slab.
Cue the chew:

Pete is sad it wasn’t served on the bone but it’s another fakeout as he still loved the mash, meat and sauce. Manu says they get away with the veg because it’s a mash, not a puree.
The Lovebirds are stunned and deliriously happy.
It’s back to the kitchen and time to play with the brulee torch. Uh oh – they’re out of gas! JP dashes off into the night. I’d be stuffed if this happened here on a weekend – SA shops shut at 5pm Saturday and Sundays. Looks like JP is in the same boat and he strikes out at the first servo.
Back home Nelly is freaking out and trying to scoop out rock hard ice cream into serving dishes. Manu pops in to the kitchen to watch her cry, gives her a comforting light punch on the arm and then tells her to think of a solution.

I'm contractually not allowed to hug you twice in one show, so here's a buck-up punch in the arm.
I’m contractually not allowed to hug you twice in one show, so here’s a buck-up punch in the arm.

Light bulb! She can make toffee and just put it on top. JP can stop driving round servos.
Back home the toffee shards look cool on top of the brulee, which is served on wooden boards shaped like a jigsaw puzzle.

The Italians are sad they don’t get to do the traditional brulee crack with the back of the spoon.
Chew time and Manu commends them on their solution and the flavour of the chai, but his brulee – and Pete’s – wasn’t cooked enough. The ice cream is a fail. “The flavour is not really pleasant,” Manu says.
Jess and Serial Killer both love the dessert and the other teams are suss about her turnaround. I think they’ll be surprised when they watch the show and see Jess was a higher scorer than average for most dishes throughout the competition.

Team scores: Sisters 7; Italians 8; Nev and missus 8; Jess and dude 7: Miners 8
Judges: Entree Pete 9, Manu 9; Main Pete 9, Manu 9; Dessert Pete 5, Manu 6.
Total: A very respectable 85.

And tomorrow night it’s Nev and missus (well, his brother’s former missus, it seems).

Plus, it might be worth recording Better Homes on Friday night because Hat and Sans Hat will be on to reveal how to make their amazing pasta.



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MKR fashion – hits and misses

Notable outfits of MKR 2016 … Let me know if I’ve missed any.

Teenage hooker outfit - what were the stylists thinking?
Teenage hooker outfit – what were the stylists thinking?

jess 1 blurbehind

Altogether now: Look at me, I'm Miss Bitch-eeee.
Altogether now: Look at me, I’m Miss Bitch-eeee.
I thought this was a dress at first, but it's some kind of shorts/ sleeveless coat combo.
I thought this was a dress at first, but it’s some kind of shorts/ sleeveless coat combo.
They're back!
They’re back!
Your man bun looks nice, but when can we unbutton these shirts?
Your man bun looks nice, but when can we unbutton these shirts?
Flamingo boy!
Flamingo boy!
Breakfast is served.
Breakfast is served.
So pretty in their cashmere cardies.
So pretty in their cashmere cardies.
I'm contractually not allowed to hug you twice in one show, so here's a buck-up punch in the arm.
Who wore it best?
I'm going to take this jacket and sell it to Channel 7.
I did.


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MKR, Mon, Feb 15

It’s Monday night and the MKR juggernaut keeps on rolling. Chat away.
(my recap for last night is finally up, too http://talkingtv.net/2016/02/mkr-sun-feb-14-the-italians/)

It’s the Melbourne sisters who have Indonesian heritage, Tasia and Gracia, and it looks like they are cooking at mum and dad’s home. They are determined to show off the flavours they grew up with.

Minor embarrassment on national TV by driving with the handbrake on. Then it’s off to the fish markets, Coles bags on show, for mackerel tail for their fish cake entree. But they decide to mix it with some snapper in case the strong flavour puts off some diners. Uh oh – dumbing down a traditional dish for untrained MKR palates is always a bad move.
Then it’s time to buy spices and they are still at not-Coles. It looks like they buy over a kilo of chilli (at $40/kg).
And then still at not-Coles for their meat, the lamb ribs.
We rip through the shopping scenes (no sign of dessert shopping or veg) and back home it’s sisterly bickering over setting up their Indonesian-themed room.

Their menu is:
Entree: Grilled fish cakes in banana leaves with peanut sauce.
Main: Ribs and “chips”
Dessert: Black rice pudding (Pete is worried Westerners will find it weird)

In the kitchen they start on time (tick) and swiftly get on to the coconut ice cream and the sauce for the lamb ribs, but the base paste is already tasting quite spicy (the MKR editor inserts an alarming sound at this point, so you know it will be a problem later on). They mention the lamb can be quite fatty, so expect more tight-lipped Jess.
It’s fish cake time and I’m guessing the cakes will be dry because they’ve used a less oily fish. At least they are doing a tester and realise they need to add salt – a basic step which so many teams stuff up.
The guests are arriving and the Italians are relaxed as, because they know no-one is knocking them off top spot. Jess is again somewhat strangely dressed with a severe hairdo, but the outfit is an improvement on the first night’s weird knee socks.
The other guests are noticing Jess is being more vivacious than usual, and suspect she is regretting her past comments.
In the kitchen the sisters are making the peanut sauce to go with the fish cakes. Here come the judges and Pete is excited because he loves Indonesian food, and the girls are excited because they still can’t believe they are on TV.
At the table both Nelly and JP are lovestruck by Manu.
Nev and Mrs Nev looooove Bali and go there regularly, but have never had the extremely common dessert of black rice pudding.
In the kitchen the girls are second guessing the heat level of their chillis.
At the table Jess is trying to show she can be happy about food, pleased the fish cakes are grilled and that the girls are using chilli. Nev, however, does not do spicy, so expect to see lots of bald-headed sweat.
The girls plate up in cute baskets and it’s not going to be much of a serve.


They give the guests instructions on how to eat the dish, so there are no embarrassing scenes of the unwary trying to eat the banana leaves.
The judges dig in and Manu does a little cough. Too much chilli?

In the ad break I keep copping Paige and Rosie trying to flog me stain remover, I’m guessing because I’m in SA. Are people in other states getting state-specific contestants?
Back to Manu: “I think the sauce is beautiful,” he says, but adds he actually wants more chilli and chastises them for second guessing themselves and using a non-traditional fish which lacks flavour. Pete agrees on both counts.
The guests start eating and, surprise, surprise, Jess is uncomfortable eating with her hands but her Random Dude partner tells her man up – I can’t recall seeing him speak before, much like Plus One. He has an intense look about him I haven’t noticed before because his team mate draws all the attention.

The fish cake “sausage roll” (thanks, Miners) is hailed as bland but most people like the peanut sauce, except Nev who can’t handle the heat.
The table chatter turns to what the main “chips” will be. No, not some exotic veg but rice chips. Interesting. Determined to heed the judges’ advice, they prep more chilli to brush on the lamb and it’s too spicy even for them to handle. Is this is misdirect?
But they have a bigger problem: their lamb fat hasn’t rendered down. Probably because they didn’t brown the meat first, but perhaps that’s not the done thing for this dish.
At the table guests are asking Jess about her eating regime, and she says she doesn’t eat chocolate because she liked it so much it was becoming an addiction, so she cut it out completely. Jess is not an everything in moderation girl. But then she surprises the table by confessing a weakness for pizza. Is she just just trying to appear more human? The Miners think she’s telling low-fat porkies.
The rice cakes go in the deep fryer and Jess is going to die. Are they going to get in trouble for serving the rice as a separate element, so the sauce and meat juices can’t soak into it – just as happened to the Italians with their osso bucco and risotto. Also, it’s not much of a serve given the meat is mostly bone.


The judges dig in and Manu is struggling to cut his meat. The sisters quietly freak out. Pete is happy: “That is sensational. Bring it on.” BUT he doesn’t think the rice cakes make sense, and slicing up a cucumber doesn’t count in a cooking competition. Manu loves the sauce but his meat wasn’t falling apart – they should have used a pressure cooker to start. Their rice cakes were oily.
Jess and Random Dude (he of the serial killer stare) are having trouble with unrendered fat and they are not the only ones. Nelly can’t even cut it with her knife. One of the Italians (the extra-Italiany one) waxes lyrical about the flavours taking him to Indonesia. But Sans Hat (who’s a hostie) brings the talk back down to earth: “He went to Indonesia; I was at the airport waiting for my connection.”
Back to the kitchen the sister making the rice has made this dessert so many times she is “100 per cent confident”. She’s jinxed it now.
The guests are happy to be having rice pudding as they need filling up after being unable to eat much of their main (including Jess, who did not try the rice chips).
Rice-cooking sister is adding more salt to the mixture as it’s not meant to be too sweet and it looks as though she’s overdone it. This will be a problem.
Their presentation looks good and the guests are excited. It looks much better on TV than in this photo.


The judges chew away and Manu is happy: “Yum.” Pete: “Ladies, it was delicious.” Cue the happy tears.
Great, the judges liked it, but is it a complicated dish?
Jess doesn’t “understand” the dessert – and the others agree – and found the majority of the food tonight “inedible”. Surprisingly, Nev seems to love the dessert. “I love the flavours of the ice cream, with the coconut. It tastes like a Bounty, and I love Bounties.”
To the scoring and the Miners may have the edge on them.
Guests: Jess and Co 4; Miners 4; Lovebirds 3; Italians 6 (but is was almost a 5); Nev and Missus 3.
Total: 20.
Judges: Entree Pete 5, Manu 5; Main Pete 8, Manu 5; Dessert Pete 9, Manu 9.
Total: 61.
The sisters have beaten the Miners by one point and are understandably stoked.

Tomorrow night it’s the Lovebirds and it looks like there is a missing ingredient as we see footage of Mr Nice dashing to a servo in the dark.



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MKR Sun, Feb 14 – The Italians

I have high hopes for tonight after the letdown of the Miners.

Italian BFFs Sans Hat and Hat (Luciano and Martino – not sure which is which). One is a flight attendant, the other a former teacher who now works for a jewellery company – perhaps he and Jess can discuss the biz.

Here it is, finally:
And here we are at Season 7, episode 8 – it feels like it’s been much longer.
The Italian BFFs are cooking and I want to see them do well, but I also want to get the high drama Channel 7 has been flogging over and done with.
Luciano the flight attendant and Martino who works in the jewllery industry – so cryptic; is he an international jewel thief? Martino is not wearing his usual hat today, making it harder for me to tell them apart. They have an easy bickering manner that comes with being friends for a decade. Oh, it’s ok – once they hit Coles Martino is back in character as the hat wearer.
Their menu is in Italian – as it should be – and translates roughly as follows:
Entree: Fettucine with sausage and porcini mushrooms (yum)
Main: Osso bucco (veal stew) with risotto (yummo)
Dessert: Ricotta cheesecake (that’s a yum hat-trick because I know they won’t ruin it by putting something stupid like white chocolate in it)
Their restaurant decor is meant to evoke Italy in the 60s and the lads get emotional thinking about their mamas.
In the kitchen, Sans Hat is surprisingly making pasta with Coles flour (or maybe it’s just for dusting) while Hat gets on to their dessert, which was apparently invented by Italians two centuries ago. It’s going well, so cue impromptu round of “It’s Amore” and Hat is beside himself with joy at the aromas – so much so his BFF has to ask: “Are you cooking or are you making love to that dish?”
The shortcrust pastry looks love and buttery but turns out it’s TOO buttery and breaks when he tries to line the tin. Having a problem this early is usually a sign of victory.
The guests rock up and I’m not a fan of the matchy matchy outfits of the miners.

Your man bun looks nice, but when can we unbutton these shirts?
Your man bun looks nice, but when can we unbutton these shirts?

Yet again Jess is strangely dressed – her scarf is more Pink Ladies from Grease than 1960s Italy.

Altogether now: Look at me, I'm Miss Bitch-eeee.
Altogether now: Look at me, I’m Miss Bitch-eeee.

And again the editors remind us of her unhealthy relationship with food. “Deep-fried food scares me. I’m not joking; it makes me feel nervous.”

The Italians look lovely in their snappy shirts and, presumably, cashmere sweaters – but poor things must be hot cooking dressed like that, with the TV lights on them. They are so friendly and welcoming – wish I had a gay Italian uncle.

Hugs and kisses all round.
Hugs and kisses all round …
... except for you. Nev, because I'm not sure how you'd react to a bloke kissing you hello.
… except for you. Nev, because I’m not sure how you’d react to a bloke kissing you hello.

One Italian decides they need to up the stakes and add a coffee semifreddo to their dessert. I’m pro coffee-flavoured anything, but they’ll be pushing to get it frozen in time. However, they are smart to portion the mixture into small bowls so it will freeze more quickly. These guys know what they are doing.

The judges arrive and they are men of the world, so get the traditional triple kiss greeting. None of Pete’s tan rubs off in the process; perhaps he’s just been eating a lot of carrots.

It’s time to read the menu and, of course, Jess is scare by human food: “I normally don’t eat pasta.” But one of the sisters is salivating: “I love carbs; I’m so excited!” That’s the attitude you want on a cooking show – it’s not called My Deprivation Rules.

Jess is especially worried both entree and main have carbs, and yet she seems to be drinking white wine again rather than water – surely that’s 120 empty calories right there? However, she says she’ll give the pasta a go and will offset it with a run in the morning.

The pasta is done and man it looks so good I wish there was an app where I could press a button and have it delivered to my door.

Cue the chew and the Italians and stressed as, but Pete forgets he is a robot and makes bedroom eyes at Manu.

Paleo? What paleo?
Paleo? What’s paleo?

Pete: “Do you know how long I’ve been waiting for real Italian food on My Kitchen Rules?” (Sucked in, Nic and Rocco!) “Boys, you delivered … the first bite was heaven.” Manu agrees it’s the best pasta in the history of MKR, and the happy tears are flowing.

The guests are happy, too, and even Jess is damning in her praise of it being a worthwhile “cheat meal”, albeit the sausage is too salty for her taste.

It’s almost mains time and the girls are showing their Asian heritage by pronouncing it “ossko booss-ko”.
And now it’s time for the evening’s entertainment … Nev asks Jess what she would serve friends for dinner, given her eating habits. “I eat very healthy. I know that everyone else doesn’t eat very healthy and I’ll cater for everyone,” she replies in a manner that gets everyone’s back up. What does this mean? She prepares a salad and then adds a deep-fried chicken leg and some fries to it for visitors with more than 2 per cent body fat?
Awkward.
Nev’s parter is no annoyed she does a “talk to the hand” gesture.

You've upset me so much I'm gesticulating like it's 1995.
You’ve upset me so much I’m gesticulating like it’s 1995.

Manu says it’s okay to enjoy flavour and he balances his diet: “I go on run as well.” And in return, gets this look:
You so fat, Manu.
You so fat, Manu.

It appears she’s looking at his waistline, although it’s possible it’s the editing. Burn!
After the ad break it’s back to the kitchen … What, there’s a kitchen on this show? It’s not just about drama?
Uh oh – they don’t have enough sauce jugs so have to use china spoons that don’t hold as much liquid. And now, the biggest shock of the night: The boys are wearing gloves to plate up. Is this allowed on MKR?
My Hygiene Rules.
My Hygiene Rules.

It looks tasty but will they get in trouble for trying to be fancy by separating all the ingredients?


It’s chew time and the boys are worried about the scarcity of sauce. The meat falls apart and Manu happily sucks the marrow from the bone: “The flavours in this deesh are amazing.” But he reminds them to serve it in a traditional manner – one big bowl – so the meat can swim in sauce. Pete agrees the meat was a little dry without the saucy perfection. The risotto was perfect: “Fellas, just cook how you normally cook.”
It’s dessert time and the boys are second guessing their decision to add the semifreddo, because Nonna wouldn’t do it. But then they decided it IS Italian after all to have espresso after a meal, so it will work.
At the table, Jess is worried the dessert could have icing sugar on it (cut to the cheesecake being adorned with a snowstorm of icing sugar) and it gets the guests’ hackles up. We’re reminded again she doesn’t eat chocolate (cut to boys making choccy sauce).


The judges go the chew … The boys are worried the flavours clash but all is well.
Pete: “I think you finished as strong as you started.” Manu is impressed by their use of candied fruit and he’s never eaten this type of cheesecake before. Hooray for the Italians!
The guests are delighted except New Villain (Zana who?), who rudely removes the chocolate from her dish. She doesn’t even try it first, which is discourteous. And then she scrapes off the icing sugar. It’s a food autopsy.
Nellie (the Nice Girl) questions whether she will score them fairly, given her dislikes. But it’s ok; Jess hates all desserts equally.
Non-Man Bun Miner calls her on her attitude and she gets feisty, saying he’s not listening to her.
“I’m listening and I’m not liking any of it,” he replies. “And I really hope that your food tastes better than your attitude.”
Jess wants to stab him with a fork and the other guests secretly applaud Miner No. 1.
And then it’s all over because it happened while Pete and Manu were off camera and couldn’t stir the pot further.
Now for the scoring.

Jess and Whatisface 9; Nev and Mrs Nev 8: Miners 8; Nice couple 8; Sisters 8. T0tal: 41/50 To Jess’s credit she is scoring fairly and the others are being a bit strategic, because they know the judges will mark the boys highly. The Italians are pleased anyway.
Entree: Pete 10 (cue round of applause), Manu (more clapping); Main Pete 8, Manu 7 (ooh – harsh, Manu, given you loved everything but the scarcity of sauce); Dessert Pete 10, Manu 9 (due to wanting thinner pastry).
That’s it. Total: 95.
Tonight the sisters serve up a Balinese feast and it looks like the chilli factor could be troublesome.



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MKR Wed, Feb 10 – the new teams

Well, here we go with a batch of fresh faces with names I can’t be bothered learning. First up are the miner mates, and I think we’ll just call them Man Bun and The Other One. They live in Mackay and look like they are enjoying their bromance, working hard and playing hard. They want to open up a bar and grill, so hopefully they have been saving their mining pennies.

Man bun alert.
Man bun alert.

Entree is crab miang. What? Where’s Curly Sue when you need her. Dr Google says it’s a Thai or Lao snack, wrapped in a leaf. Looks kinda san choy bao-ish.
In Coles they buy some packaged duck, then ask a staff member if they buy a whole duck, will he carve some breasts off for them. They must know this guy, because the meat at Coles and Woolies here often looks like it was carved with a drunk wielding a chainsaw.
The boys can’t find the canned lychees for their curry (Don’t fresh lychees not grow up north? Am I making assumptions just because it’s Queensland?). A staff member offers to help them, just t remind you it’s a TV show and not real life.
I like that they are serving it with cauliflower rice for something different – I wonder if they are paleo advocates? Pete will be happy not to be eating white rice.
Dessert is lava cake and it sounds pretty much like a chocolate fondant, so why ruin it with white chocolate sauce? Contrast it with some sharp fruit flavours instead, boys, or there will be sugar overload. At least we can be sure they won’t pull a Zana and use the Cadbury’s. It’s a tricksy dessert to pull off. I would have just called it chocolate cake, and then if the ooze worked, call it a fondant.
Entree: Miang of crab, coconut, mint and citrus
Main: Roast Duck with lychee red curry and cauliflower rice
Dessert: Chocolate lava cakes with white chocolate sauce
Back home the lads set up their industrial-themed restaurant on the back deck and it’s all corrugated iron, hessian and dead branches.
Uh oh – they’ve eaten an hour into their cooking time. Luckily Asian is a quick cook once you get the prep done, although prepping the crabs will take a while.
Man Bun is in charge of the mortar and pestle and says: “I think I’m going to freestyle this curry paste.”

Now the guests arrive and we meet Jessica, our new villainess, wearing what appears to be strappy pink sandals with thigh-high socks …. in Queensland. What is the stylish thinking! What is Jessica thinking!

Sorry for the dreadful pic. MKR has yet to upload the episode to yahoo. Actually, the outfit looks better blurry.
Sorry for the dreadful pic. MKR has yet to upload the episode to yahoo. Actually, the outfit looks better blurry.

The guests approve of the decor. The Sisters think the Miners look more like hipsters, and they’re spot on – hipsters who work out a lot and drive big cars instead of riding bespoke bicycles.
We meet the other couples. The Italian mates quibble over who is the more Italiano and apparently are not a couple. Nev and Kell are the Tradie and Cleaner (what, no snappy name for them, MKR? Just call them The Aussies, already) ARE a couple. Nev wants to serve something that’s “the duck’s nuts”. Next are the Lovebirds who are all cutesy wootsie and sweet as pie – I’m still waiting to see if the girl one blinks because it looks like she may not. One of the Sisters likens them to a Disney couple.
Now it’s time for the geography game to see what everyone’s heritage is. Two Italians, a Croats, an Argentinean, Polish and Indonesian (the Sisters – hopefully we’ll get some terrific spicy food).
Jessica and Marcos are the mates from Melbourne who are fitness fanatics and were self-proclaimed “popular kids” at school. Yes, the producers definitely want us to hate them.
Jess: “I’m good at everything I do, because I’m an achiever.”
She eats to fuel her body and that means no fried food or chocolate.
The judges arrive and the Miner boys are all smiley and nervous and the other guests are excited, but no-one is hyperventilating like in group one.
Jess points out the dessert does not fit with the Asian vibe of the entree and main and she’s right, but she loses her fellow guests’ respect by saying she doesn’t like chocolate. She makes a few clipped comment and Pete enjoys baiting her.
In the kitchen, the boys are plating their miang, and it’s definitely not the traditional bite sized snack. Nor is it tp be wrapped in a leaf and eaten. The Other One is worried there is too much heat in the dressing so he doesn’t put much on. Yes, because a dry salad has never been a problem on MKR before.

At the table Jess notes the oranges have not been segmented, which is something you wouldn’t bother with for your mates but is a cheffy thing you should be doing to impress the judges. Her manner is abrupt but she’s making good points – it’s just that the first instant restaurant is not the most tactful place to do it. Would this salad usually be served with green papaya or similar rather than citrus?


Chew time … Pete says they didn’t deliver and wonders where the dressing went. Manu says they had orange overload but needed to balance their ingredients more, with more crab.
The boys look like sad puppies, especially when they get back to the kitchen and see their huge amount of leftover dressing.
Nev gets a few bits of shell but talks the boys up for having a go. The Sisters agree the crab was done well but more spice and sourness was needed. Manu enjoys telling Jess the white of an orange is called a pith.
It’s on to mains and now I’m wondering why the boys are using duck breast for their curry instead of legs on the bone, which have more flavour. They try their curry and are worried there is not enough of a kick, so add more chilli.
At the table Italian Sans Hat is not a fan of sweet with savoury (not coming round to my place for apricot chicken, then), but the Sisters know red curry duck with lychees is a classic dish.
And then Jess admits “I don’t really eat rice … I don’t eat many carbs”. No surprise, really, but again, this is a cooking show. And then the big proclamation: “I don’t allow myself to be addicted to anything other than exercise and healthy living.” (I do note she seemed to be drinking white wine before). Aww, don’t you just love her already? Zana, please hand over your MKR’s Next Top Villain sash to Jess.
However, she says she will try anything unless it looks like it is going to make her sick. Hmm, how would she have fared at Cougar’s table?
Jess has never eaten duck before and she may not get a chance tonight, as the boys look to be overcooking the duck. Why didn’t they crisp the skin first? Are they going to pour curry sauce over that crispy skin? Oh no, it’s a duck curry with the duck on the side. And a sprinkle of coriander for green – not even a stalk of bok choy to lift it. You are going to be crucified, lads.
Before it’s even chew time Pete looks underwhelmed and rightly so.


Manu is feeling that extra raw chilli burn in his throat and notes they look stressed. He thinks they’ve done well with the cooking of the duck. It’s not an awesome curry but it’s ok. Pete wants the skin crispier and says they nailed the cauli rice. It’s not hard Pete – you just grate cauli and chuck it in the microwave to steam.
Ok, I’m wrong, the curry was well received so good on you, boys.
Now it’s chocolate time and Manu pops in to offer advice/turn the screws. Uh oh – I’m seeing Cadbury Melts on the bench. What do these people have against fancy cooking chocolate?
The boys make some honeycomb to go with their lava cake, which they claim is technical but isn’t. I hope they are serving cream or something to cut through all this sweetness.
Is Italian Sans Hat flirting with Manu? Pete looks jealous.
The other guests find Jess’s anti-chocolate stance totes awks, but she says she will give it a go. How courageous.
The lava cake tester obliges by oozing, but they are faffing around while the other cakes continue to cook in the hot ramekins.


Pete digs the spoon in and gets lava but Manu’s is moist – not molten. Pete likes the cake but says the whole dish is overly sweet (yay, I was right with one prediction at least). Jess is not going to like this. The guests get mixed levels of ooze and find it too sweet. Jess has chopped her cake into bits in search of a protein bar and come up empty handed: “If this was a restaurant in the real world I wouldn’t have stayed after the entree, to be honest.”
Hatted Italiano is being, well, Italian in his disappointment at the lacking lava: “I was thinking about a dramatic event …Pompeii .. people running from a … natural disaster. But what I taste was only the ashes.”
The announced makes yet another mining-themed pun which I shall ignore and it’s on to the scores.
Lovebirds 5; Italians 5; Jess and That Guy 5; Aussies 4; Sisters 6. (All fair scores, especially since Nev got several pieces of shell in his meal). Total 25/50. The boy are gutted but trying not to show it.
Judges: Entree Pete 4, Manu 5; Main Pete 8, Manu 8; Dessert Pete 6, Manu 4.
Total: 60. Probably a bit higher than they deserved, but they were the first ones out of the blocks so deserve a little leeway.

That’s it for MKR this week. Up on Sunday are the NSW Italianos and the gents look fab in their colourful ties and jumpers. The stylist is razing the barn on Jordan’s wardrobe. And we know they get at least one good score because Pete and Manu are raving over their pasta. But enough of celebrating excellent cooking, in MKR land it’s all about the drama and our new villianess is stirring the pot. Again, she’s strangely dressed. While the stylists went heavy on Zana’s makeup at least they always gave her nice outfits to wear. It’s implied she has a dig at Manu for unhealthy eating habits, but we’ll have to wait and see the context. One of the miners (the non-man bun one) calls her on her attitude so it will be one awkward dinner party.

More to come.



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MKR – Tues, Feb 9 – Can Zana cook?

Who’s watching Zana and Plus One tonight? Still 10 mins til it starts here in SA, darn it.

So we start with the editors reminding us Zana and Plus One are super smart, scuccessful and rich yadda yadda.
Zana: “Whoever said money can’t buy happiness, just doesn’t know where to shop.”
She’s Albanian, from Montenegro, and he’s Italian so I’m hoping to see some dishes that are new for me, with my boring Anglo Saxon heritage with its rubbish cuisine.

Some geography smarts coming at you.
Some geography smarts coming at you.

It’s off to the shops they go and Zana looks much nicer dressed “down” but they still have the make up slapped on her.
The self-confessed germaphobe teachers Plus One the correct onion selection technique.
“It’s extremely important that the onions need to be double layered, because if they’re exposed, babe, that’s germs.”
I can tell she’s never been on public transport, or she’d be dead from fear.
The pita entree sounds easy, but then we learn in Albania they make it from filo pastry, which I know from GBBO is not so easy to make and you need a tonne of bench space.
Mmmm … main is liver. I’d happily eat it but I can’t help thinking of that immortal Silence of the Lambs line: “I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti.” I think most of the guests – especially those with Maltese heritage and the Curlies – will just dig in. Manu and Pete sound worried about the guests’ reaction. I’m more worried about them being overcooked.


Driving home they have to pull over because the horn on their car gets stuck blasting at full tilt (much like Z herself). Plus One, are you sure this is your car or did you borrow it to look good on the show?
Their restaurant looks stylish in black and white and they have photos of their grandparents looming over everyone – they look a bit like those portraits you see at some funerals. Did Zana choose white so any specks of dirt would be easy to spot? Definitely not termite-infested moss placements here.
They enter the kitchen on time and Zana gets on to the pita while Plus One does the dough for the dessert, krofne. Google says this is basically a jam doughnut.

Entree: Albanian pita with beetroot hummus
Main: Crumbed calves livers with Albanian peppers
Dessert: Krofne with hazelnut ganache

Zana mentions she is using a recipe of her Nonna’s, but Nonna doesn’t use measurements. Uh oh – we know what that means … It doesn’t feel right – is what we saw in the ad going in the bin? Looks like it. Take two us also stuffed so she gets out the Kenwood and is happy with take three, but she’s wasted over an hour and still has to roll, butter and stretch everything. The finished pastry is filled with feta, eggs, yoghurt.
They haven’t started mains yet but the livers should be a quick cook.
Zana is starting to crack under the pressure. The pita isn’t cooking underneath – can’t she just turn on the bottom element? She takes it out and leaves it one the stove with a tea towel draped over it – wouldn’t this send the steam back down to make the pastry soggier?
The guests arrive and it’s all diamantes and lace, with the blokes in black tie (except Jordan gets a cute spotty one). Poor Plus One – that’s going to be make for sweaty cooking.
Zana cuts and the pastry and … it’s perfect (and she’s an expert on perfection). Here come the judges and Pete didn’t get the memo about black tie. Zana is worried about kissing them because she smells like garlic. I’m surprised Manu doesn’t have his own cologne range, Eau de Garlique.
The guests have a squiz at the menu and Cop 2 is squeamish about the liver.
In the kitchen the couple are happy with the beetroot hummus and utter a key danger phrase: “It’s exactly how we always make it.”
At the table, kudos to Curly Sue, who knows what Albanian pita should look like. She must have been boning up on her culinary knowledge – what a crazy idea for a cooking show contestant.
The plated up entree looks simple but the pastry looks lovely and flaky and they’ve added some colour to the beetroot hummus with pistachios and herbs. Does it need a little rocket salad, too, for freshness?


Some of the guests are pleased to see Zana and Plus One looks rattled, and Cop 1 is relishing the prospect of Zana taking a fall.
The judges go in for the chew and … Manu says “I hate to say but I’m devastated.”
Cut to ad break. Oh, Channel 7, you can’t fool me. You’ve taken a leaf out of Channel 10’s book, when Matt Preston threw a dish on the floor of the MasterChef kitchen and proclaimed it “disgusting … {lengthy ad break] disgustingly delicious”.

And we’re back and Manu finishes “… that I don’t have any more to eat”. You didn’t fool me, Manu! Zana tears up with happiness and her crying face is even more fun to watch than her disgusted face. What mascara is she using? It’s sticking like glue.

You were right, Zana - you're a rock under pressure.
You were right, Zana – you’re a rock under pressure.

zana3

zanacry
Manu: “I’ve got nothing negative to say.” Pete is also full of praise.
The guests enjoy it, even with the pow of garlic.
Cop 1 is in anti-Zana mode and doesn’t like the salty feta, nor the garlicky hummus. Realising this is her chance t justify a low score, Cougar backs her up.
In the kitchen it’s offal time. Zana drains the milk off in the sink and please tell me they are not reusing that washing cloth that’s sitting in the sink after they’ve drained bloody liver milk over it.
At the table some guests are feeling icky about the liver. Suck it up, people! You are meant to be foodies and this is when MKR fans start getting the shits with you.
Back to the kitchen and they’ve forgotten they have something in the oven. Oh, crumbs! Smoke pours out. It’s the breadcrumbs.

Quick, grab a glass cloche and trap it.
Quick, grab a glass cloche and trap it.

As it turns out, the crumbs are fine and it was just spilt beetroot jewses on the bottom of the oven burning.
Plus One does veg prep very slowly (and he’s annoying me by swiping it into a bowl with the sharp blade of his knife rather than reversing it to use the dull edge – quickest way to blunt a good knife) while Zana crumbs and fries the livers.
The guests are doing Geography 101 and Curly Sue, the youngest, is the smartest one in the room. The livers look yum but Zana rejects the suggestion for more seasoning – danger, danger!
The people scared about trying the liver need to pretend it’s a tasty schnitzel, which is what it looks like.


As she watches the judges chew, Zana does the “I need to do a wee dance” and looks super nervous.
Manu calms her down by saying this is the best possible way for someone to try liver as the unsuspecting won’t know it is. Turns out, that’s exactly what she did to Plus One, but he loves her for her tricksy ways.
Manu has one small criticism that it needs a touch more salt (as predicted). Pete is effusive with “wow”, “perfection”, next level” and “I’ll remember this dish for a long time”.
It looks smashing and is exactly the kind of dish I’d order when out, because I love figuring out what all the ingredients are in unfamiliar dishes. However, the editors are playing quirky, off-kilter music so, who’s going to spit the dummy?
No, it’s a classic MKR misdirect.
Paige: “I love liver. I also love yoghurt and onion and crumbs.” Rosie and the Curlies agree. Cop 2 is on board and Cougar Town know they are going down.
In the kitchen, it’s dessert time and Zana wants the filling to resemble Nutella so she is using Cadbury’s Dairy Milk. Urgh – it’s oily sweet stuff designed for the palate of five-year-olds. Grow up and embrace your dark side, Zana.
The melted chocolate is dangerously close to Plus One’s crisp white cuffs.
Manu pops into the kitchen to give them a pep talk: “We’ve had a brilliant night so far – don’t ruin eet.”
Cue obligatory jokes about cops and doughnuts.
Curly Bro is finally getting some airtime tonight – hope they try him with a man bun soon.
Zana is micromanaging the frying of the doughnuts and making Plus One nervous. They do a taste test and are pretty happy. Plus One is loving having some control for a change when he gets to wield the piping gun. Zana is in charge of espresso shots to go with the krofne.
It looks tasty.


I’m glad they’re doing doughnuts as it’s reminded me to whip out this beauty from the Italian bakery down the road to sustain me for the rest of this recap.

Hole lotta love.
Hole lotta love.

It’s Chew O’Clock … and Pete questions whether it’s enough for a dessert. Maybe it needs to be an affogato with hazelnut gelato. Sage advice. Manu slams their quality of chocolate, so he won’t be doing ads for Cadbury any time soon.
The guests mostly love the doughnuts (even Cop 1) but the boys wanted more and a swiftly sinking Cougar pulls out the ultimate insult: “It tasted like a doughnut you could buy at a store.” Ouch!
Time for the scores but, darn it, it’s off to kitchen HQ to find out who’s been eliminated. Usually we at least get to hear the guests’ scores, so they are obviously safe as they only have to smash 31.

Judges: Entree Pete 10, Manu 10; Main Pete 10, Manu 9; Dessert Pete 8, Manu 8.
The guests’ combined score – wish they would reveal the individual scores – is 42/50 for a grad total of 97. They are on top of the leaderboard, and deservedly so.
Since Cougar Town are now the dearly departed, we’ll call them Cheryl and Matt. They’re disappointed but take it well.
So tomorrow night it’s on to the new batch of victims: The Italianos, The Miners and Jessica – they’re the only ones we need to know, according to the ad.



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MKR Week 2 Monday night

mum_jordan

Tonight it’s WA’s turn, and I’m looking forward to see what Jordan is wering, but whatever happens tonight is just an amuse-bouche for Zana and Plus One’s effort tomorrow night.
We officially meet Mama Anna has been married for 33 years and has four sons, whom she loves equally. Jordan: “I’m top two, though.”
Anna is Maltese she gets her thrills feeding other people. She and Jordan plan that their instant restaurant will leave everyone with a food baby as a parting gift. I don’t think this is such a good thing.
They hit the butcher first for their pork belly for the snags and rabbit for the braise, because the only bunnies at Coles are the choccy ones in the premature Easter section.

Entree: Baby octopus with spicy pork sausage, potato and salsa verde
Main: Dad’s braised rabbit with pappardelle
Dessert: Imqaret with orange blossom ice cream

It all sounds divine. What the heck is imqaret? Pete, Manu, please explain? Actually, it’s Jordan who explains it’s a Maletese date biscuit, and Mama Anna hopes it all comes off because they are her Dad’s fave dishes.
Mama: “You’re always so positive.” Jordan:”I’m a proton.”
Their restaurant is European themed “Mama knows best” so there are olives everywere, wine barrels and -I swear this is what Jordan said, channeling Manu – “little momentums from their past”.
They are on track and ready in the kitchen when the clock ticks to 3:00, so they’re already an hour ahead of the SA Besties.
Mama is cooking octopus and admits it can be tricky but “don’t worry, I’ve cooked it tonnes of times – it’ll be fine”. Uh Oh – is that the MKR kiss of death?
Jordan is making gelato from 18 egg yolks. Mama wishes he would measure for a change. He is putting a lot of orange blossom water in and they love it, but it may be confronting for a newbie palate.
Mama is ensuring the rabbits are fur free, so Zana doesn’t hyperventilate.
Jordan shows he’s handled a few sausages in his time (sorry, couldn’t resist), but his filling technique is impressive. It looks good.
Poor boy then has to peel and chop 30 onions. The rabbit goes in the oven and they appear to be on track.
Here come the guests and I like the way Cougar has been styled for once. Cop No. 1’s mum is Maltese and she says they’ve done a good job with the decos, but she still doesn’t know where Malta is.

Thank goodness for Google Maps it's that island in the middle.
Thank goodness for Google Maps; it’s that island in the middle.

Back in the kitchen and Anna has a bag of Coles brand flour on the bench right next to a name brand flour. Then she pulls out another band, presumably 00 flour, for the pasta.
Jordan tips duck fat all over the prepped chips – yummo! And tonight for the first time we have twice-cooked sausages: in the oven and then the chargrill. They disagree over the manner of sausage slicing and Mama wins.
Everyone else is dressed for Perth weather but the poor judges have to sweat it out in suits. Mama needs to skol her glass of red before she can answer the door.
Jordan tells the guests they are going for a family vibe with that feeling of being full and in the belly and “getting the meat sweats”. Is that what we really want to hear.
Zana gives the menu grudging respect and says she’s glad they have competition-worthy dishes on there, but of course she is going to smash it even harder.
Jordan is having trouble with his salsa verde – too much acid. But they tweak it and feel they’ve rectified the tartness.
The occies are whacked on the chargrill for caramelisation and it’s time to plate. Salad leaves (yes – they looked dressed for a change) but then they put hot chips on top and wilt it. It’s not the prettiest looking dish but has interesting flavours.


And the judges go in for the chew …”Did you meck your own zossage?” Oui. Good, but they needed more salsa verde and cutting the zossage meant the fat leaked out, leaving them dry. Pete liked the flavour of the zossage but agrees with Manu. The judges tell them to stick to traditional ways of serving food.
The cops are happy with the occy; Cub actually gets to speak by himyself and Cougar is hoping for a main course disaster to save them. Zana says the flavours are familiar to those of her own cultural background but they stuffed up the snag, and she makes it way better. Where’s the soz? she bemoans of the occy.
Cop 1, Zana’s arch nemesis, isn’t happy: “To be honest I was zoing out.”
Back in the kitchen and the sauce isn’t reducing as much as they’d wish, but there’s another disaster looming. Jordan didn’t put the lid properly on the ice cream churner and half the mixture has ice crystals in it.
Jordan works to salvage it while Mama makes pappardelle ribbons using the pastry cutter handed down from her mum. They quibble over how much pasta to allow for each person. The soz is too watery, so they tip it off to reduce it.
Cop No. 2 must be worried she’s going to be eating Thumper: ” This may sound silly, but do they already come de-furred?”
Luckily Zana is a rabbit pappardelle expert and tells everyone what to expect.
Mama and Son plate up and, damn, it looks good. This photo doesn’t do it justice.


It’s chew time … Pete tries to scare them by asking if they’d tasted it: “Mama, you knocked me off my chair. That sauce was just profound.” The only tiny negative for him was the meat was a bit dry. “I’m loving eet. I’ll come buck tomorrow. The pasta are great. The rabbit is nice and jew-say.” So, 10 from Manu and 9 from Pete?
More importantly, what does Zana think? “It’s good. This is definitely the dish that has impressed me the most throughout this whole competition.” Plus One wants to have a Pasta Off, so you know he’s going down hard.
In the kitchen it’s dessert time and Jordan is not 100 per cent happy with his ice cream’s texture,but he is still going to serve it because he wants everyone to have a big scoop. Noooooo, Jordan – this is when you buy some cream or mascarpone at Coles as a back-up option.
Back in the dining room, poor Cougar is “not a big fan of ice cream”. Is that because she thinks it should be made with condensed milk?
Curly is afraid it will taste like soap due to the orange blossom and it’s a fair call, given we see Mama sloshing it into the bickie filling as well.
The pastry looks lovely and thin and we see the bickies are made by frying them. Ice cream flaws aside, they are the only team to serve proper ice cream that hasn’t melted by the time it hits the table.
Curlies can’t wait to dig in and are thinking Mama and Jordan could knock them off the top of the leaderboard.


Cue the chew … Manu: “I’m very satisfied one more time.” He likes the contrast of the warm biscuits and cold ice cream, but … Jordan knows the ice cream is to blame. Pete is happy, too. If they’d got the ice cream right it would be the best dessert in MKR history (Nic and Rocco, eat your heart out).
Curly finds the ice cream soapy on its own, but when combined with the bickie it’s yum. Even Zana likes it, so it must be delicious. Plus One has been watching too much How I Met Your Mother: “Challenge accepted.”

The scores: Cougar Town 9; Cops 9; Besties 8; Zana and that random guy 9; Curlies 8. Thumbs up to everyone for fair scoring, especially Cougar Town, who have a lot to lose. Total: 43/50
Judges: Entree Pete 7, Manu 7; Main Pete 9, Manu 10; Dessert Pete 9, Manu 9.
Total score: 94
Anna tears up at the thought her dear departed Dad’s recipes have been so well received.They now top the leaderboard by five points.
Tomorrow night it’s off to Victoria to see if Zana can cook. The promo shows them heading off to the shops in some sporty car and getting pulled over. Sucked in.



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MKR Ep 4 Sunday recap

Chat about tonight’s episode here. I hope to have a recap up later. And here ’tis:
Here we go, it’s my home team and I have high hopes, judging from the ads, that we’ll see some tasty food.
I love trying to spot the SA landmarks when the contestants are from Adelaide. We get Colonel Light’s statue, views of the revamped Adelaide Oval, the tram at Glenelg (at the beach). The voiceover guy refers to the “cottage suburb of Plympton”. I have no idea what that means. It’s a decent enough suburb but not at all fancy.Rosie and Paige stop for a coffee at Froth & Fodder cafe, which is behind behind my local Kmart.
Rosie gets the happy family montage while Paige is a single gal with a dog who didn’t finished high school “they asked me to leave”. Rosie is mum to two girls and studies tourism part time, while Paige does some safety type job for a gas company (I think). But that doesn’t really matter because in MKR land they are “SA Best Mates”.
They dash into Coles and I’m pretty sure last time I was inside that particular supermarket there were several shoppers with whom I was scared to make eye contact. The shelves are looking far more fully stocked than usual.
Their menu sounds delicious.
Entree: Lamb backstrap with pickled beetroot ad creme fraiche
Main: Chicken, leek, zucchini pie with mushy minted peas
Dessert: Grandma’s gingerbread with rum and raisin ice cream
Back home and it’s a lovely old character place – wonder if it’s really Rosie’s?
Their theme is “Big Love Grub” and they’ve made a terrific crafty-looking sign to for it but – oops – part of it falls off when they hang it up. and now we know it must indeed be Rosie’s house, because she runs straight to the shed and finds her hammer and craft glue. However, they’re down to 2 hours 8 minutes and they have yet to pick up a knife.

Drop the hammer and turn on the stove, Rosie.
Drop the hammer and turn on the stove, Rosie.

Not a lot of time to sort out their ice cream and puff pastry.
The girls shred their pie veg in the food processor to save time.
The guests are here and Cougar is hoping for a Steven Bradbury – is cub old enough to know who that is? “I just want to smell the smell of burnt something.”
Everyone thinks the room looks awesome except, of course, Zana and Plus One turn up their noses at the word “grub”.
They butter their guests up by giving them slippers and a lot of thought has gone into them, even finding flamingo ones for Jordan.
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Guests pass the time doing a poetry slam, while Rosie perfects the pickled beetroot and it looks divine.
The judges arrive to the strains of Stevie Wonder’s “Superstition” to show they are funky, followed by The Doors “Roadhouse Blues”.
Cougar is a little embarrassed to have to see them so soon after her food fiasco: “I almost felt like we artistically insulted them. And I desperately don’t want them to think that we don’t take it seriously.” That’s the most genuine she’s been in a week of shows. But then she reads the menu and reverts to delusional form: “I don’t think it’s a menu that could beat ours. If we did the right thing and we were on form and got our plating right, I think our menu would have beaten this menu.”
Yeah, caesar salad with both burnt and undercooked bacon is way fancier than lamb backstrap with pickled beetroot.
Zana loves lamb but screws up her nose at the pickled beetroot.

Beetroot? Isn't that poor people food?
Beetroot? Isn’t that poor people food?

Dramatic music for the cutting of the lamb and, yes, it’s perfectly pink.
Rosie doesn’t know how to plate up but they do a great job of making a meat dish look pretty and light enough for an entree.
But, here we go with the faux derogatory comments: Cougar is “underwhelmed”.


Uh oh, and so is Pete. They didn’t season the dish or dress the leaves. Rookie mistakes! But both judges agree the lamb was cooked perfectly and Manu loved the beetroot. Still, it’s a far cry from last episode’s “one spoonful was enough for me”.
The teams think the dish was ok but they are feeling hungry.
Jordan is looking forward to mains, and he hopes the pie is as good as Mum’s, who apparently writes his name on top in pastry. Awwww.
Zana and Plus One “don’t not normally order pies; we’ve never made a pie”.
In the kitchen the girls have not even started the ice cream machine, which is a real worry.
Manu pops into the kitchen to suggest one of them cook something instead of both shelling peas – the pressure is getting to them.
It gets worse … there is not enough pastry to make individual whole pies for everyone. What were they thinking? I know teams throw a lot of recipes at the producers in advance and see what sticks, but it’s common sense you’d need to at least triple your usual recipe. So it’s a pot pie instead and at least they are doing a taste tester.
And they’re learning from Cougar’s mistake by washing their hairy carrots thoroughly. Tester pie’s pastry lid collapses but it’s because they haven’t pinched it.
The guests are getting hungry while they wait for pie dramas to be resolved and the girls know they will be marked down for it.
Cougar is hungry but delighted.
In the ad break there’s a promo for the new teams, so they must start Wednesday night, as Mama and Son cook next, then the Lawyers. And there’s one girl who doesn’t like chocolate. Yep, she’s the Zana of the group. I have a friend who doesn’t eat chocolate but it’s because it gives her migraines. So unless I see a medical certificate from this girl’s doctor, I’m barracking for her to fail already.
And the pressure continues to fluster the girls – they’ve overcooked the carrots. I’d have chucked them in a tonne of butter and maybe some honey to see if I could save them, but they decide not to include them on the plate.
They are worried the pies aren’t quite cooked but are scared to keep the guests waiting, so it’s on with a plop of peas and away we go.


The pastry layers on the judges’ pie look awesome, but Manu eez sad that the pie filling does not have much texture. And Pete says the flavours are out of whack, with salty peas and too much wine in the filling.
Zana and Plus One have never made a pie yet with typical modesty still know they would do it better.
Time for dessert. And they are yet to cook the gingerbread, which will take a while to bake.
Zana is big noting her ability to stay calm in the kitchen as she and Plus One have very stressful jobs with people’s lives at steak. Umm, hello – you’re sitting at a table with two police officers!
The gingerbread is ready and it’s a cake, as per Paige’s gran’s recipe. Surprise, surprise the ice cream isn’t set, so they anchor it on the plate with some chopped macadamias “for crunch”. If you want crunch, you don’t pick macadamias, and certainly not untoasted ones.


Manu says the booze is missing from the ice cream (which Rosie was worried about) and Pete feels the cake lacks spice.
Paige is gutted; she’s let grandma down.
The Curlies love the cake but no one likes the vanilla ice cream with raisins, sans rum.
The girls are crying on the floor of the kitchen, for fear they were “Cheryl and Matt bad”.

I should have listened to you about the raisins.
I should have listened to you about the raisins.

Surely they can do better than 30?
Team scores: Mama and Son 6; Cougar Town 4 (to be expected); Cops 4 (bit strategic there); Zana and That Guy 5; Curlies 7 (they must really want Cougars to fail)
Total: 26/50, so they know they’re safe.
Judges: Entree Pete 6, Manu 7; Main Pete 5, Manu 5; Dessert Pete 5, Manu 5.
Total:59
Tomorrow night it’s off to Perth and what looks to be some delicious Maltese food and a snappy shirt from Jordan. Yum.



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