Category: My Kitchen Rules

MKR – Mon, Mar 7

Redemption round continues with the Stepsies. Which two teams do you think will get the boot after this round?

HERE WE GO …
It’s time to get Zesty with the Stepsie Besties … is anyone doing a drinking game based on the number of hip pops they are bound to do.
Last round they had issues with time management and Hazel being the only one of the pair who could cook, although Lisa (remember those four goes to get aioli to work?) was a few notches above Dee’s hapless Harry Potter hubby at least. They hope to better their score of 57 by 20 – that’s ambitious.
They’re in matchy matchy blue sundresses and – is it possible – Lisa’s eyebrows are even higher than before.

'This is as low as my brows go."
‘This is as low as my brows go.”

Their menu is:
Entree: Pan-seared duck breast with baby beets and rhubarb chutney (yep, Hazel will be cooking the duck – no way Lisa’s up to the skill level required to get 12 perfectly cooked breasts).
Main: Crumbed snapper with thrice-cooked chips, lime mayo and Asian slaw (better stock up on eggs if Lisa is doing the mayo. Meanwhile, Manu is not happy as crumbs are disrespectful to bewdiful fish. Robo Pete responds with an answer from one of his judge cue cards: “If they nail all these elements, it could be delicious.”)
Dessert: Zesty lime cream pie with a lemon sorbet
The girls rip through the shopping and there’s a minor drama on the way home of a police officer fan giving them a fright on the way home – someone’s going to be called into the sarge’s office in the morning.
They get home and are in the kitchen on time, with Hazel getting cracking on the sorbet. She’s worried her previous efforts have been too zesty. Is this possible with lemon anything? The more zest, the better.
They’ve taken a leaf out of Kell’s book, using bought bickies for their dessert base. Bought biscuits – in a cooking comp. and they add green food colouring to their lime curd – ick.
And Lisa gets her mayo right first time!

Here come the guests, and the girls have some lovely frocks while the Miners are not being strangled by their clothing for once.

Noice ... and they've found room in the sock budget for the miners.
Noice … and they’ve found room in the sock budget for the miners.

In the kitchen, the ladies are happy with how they are progressing (their golden beetroot does look yummy) but then they have a hiccup the sorbet is not thickening in the churner. They decide not to wait and chuck it in the freezer. Hmmm, this could end up with too many water crystals.
And here come the judges to the sounds of Pulp Fiction’s Misirlou https://youtu.be/1hLIXrlpRe8 (it’s the one at the start of the movie when Honey Bunny and Tim Roth rob the diner.)
Poor Manu has drawn the short straw yet again in the suit department. Wardrobe just loves whipping up a tablecloth jacket, and this one is a double breaster, no less. Time to put your “pied” down, Manu.

For zees soot I giff you zero points. Pete's soot gets nine points.
For zees soot I giff you zero points. Pete’s soot gets nine points.

I’d forgotten the Stepsies have not cooked for Pete and Manu yet (RIP The Fass and The Khoo judging combo). We’re reminded of Lisa’s alleged judge crush when she opens the door to the subtle strains of Barnsey’s I Gotcha (I never realised it had such stalkerish lyrics: “Aha-ha you thought you got away from me didn’t ya
Aha-ha you thought I didn’t see you now didn’t ya (who me)
Aha-ha you tried to sneak away from me didn’t ya
Aha-ha you thought ya being’ slick now didn’t ya
(Ha Ha Ha) Aha-ha now give me what you promised me.”

Stepsies explain their menu and Nev is happy to be getting chips as it saves him a trip to Maccas later, but Feisty Cop tells the confessional it all sounds “supertron simple”. This from the chick who served that haute cuisine dish, pureed pea and ham soup.

Bad cop, good cop. "At least I can furrow my brow when I'm upset."
Bad cop, good cop. “At least I can furrow my brow when I’m upset.”

Back in the kitchen Lisa is cooking the duck (I was wrong!), while in the kitchen Monique is getting angsty over perceived strategic scoring. The entree looks good but they should have called the chutney a coulis. Pug Lover Cop notes the meat hasn’t rested enough as the juices are flowing.


Time to chews … and Manu does a half-hearted “Do you call this redemption?” fakeout. Stepsies: “We do.” Manu: “I do, too.” He says it’s sublime and they just needed more seasoning (and we did see them chuck a heap of salt on the duck earlier). Pete is happy and loved the rhubarb but his duck was a little under.
Lauren thinks her duck is too quacky to eat: “It’s just too alive for me.” She asks non-Man Bun Miner’s “advice” in an attempt to sow the seeds of doubt.

In the kitchen the Stepsies get on with deboning the fish, while the naysayers at the table discuss how dreadful it would be if they used bought breadcrumbs. The SA Besties and Ducks’ Nuts are bemused by it all.
Cut to the kitchen and Hazel is opening a pack of Panko but Lisa realises she doesn’t have a spare fish. Why did they not buy five extra? Especially with fish. She’s starting to freak out.

CONTINUED …

As The Botoxed One cooks the massive slabs of fish in the deepfryer, Hazel gives the chips their third cook in a frypan on the stove. She can only fit in about 10 at once so this could end up like the Cops’ first cook where each guest got about three chips as a garnish to the salmon. Why not just get another deepfryer for the chips? They do look tasty, if a bit brown – season heaps, girls, then season more.
At the table the SA Besties kill the time by leading everyone in songs from Grease. Lauren does not look amused, but could be the villain edit.
In the kitchen they plate up and it looks like tasty pub food, but you’d get more chips at the pub.


Chew time … and it’s another stupid forced question from Pete to heighten the drama: “Do you like this dish?”. Seriously, do they write these questions at the start of each season and make the judges trot them out at least once an episode? Can’t we mix it up: “Lisa, are you shitting yourself right now? I can’t tell because your face doesn’t move.” “Lauren, do you feel bad you almost gave Rachel Khoo food poisoning?”
But instead Pete actually says: “Your fish was cooked beautifully. Your sauce … spot on. And I loved your slaw … Your chips, these are just terrible. They are soggy.” (Told you, so!)
Manu is let down after loving the entree “for a couple of ‘raisins'”. The raisins being the slaw and chips were soggy. “I’m just halfway with this dish.”
At the table Lauren and the Cops says their fish was overcooked and say the dish lacked skill. It’s true it was simple, but if done properly could have scored well given the lower standards this round.
Stepsies know they are going to have to work hard on dessert, but the sorbet is more of a slushie and they umm and aah over whether to include it. Chuck it in a margherita glass, I say!
In the dining room Man Bun makes an even more serious mistake. Watching Monique – who is getting rather loud – stacking napkin rings he mutter this to his mate:
oldduck
NOT a good thing to say to a) a cop, and b) someone who is yet to score your cooking.
In the kitchen the girls are unmoulding the pie and it looks fine if you’re into lots of cream and American-style desserts. Some slices are starting to melt and they decide Lauren will get the saggiest one.

Chew o’clock… and all is silent but the clang of judge’s spoons as they try to hack through the thick biscuit base.
Pete says the pie is good but not great and he hates the overly sweet sorbet. Yep, good decision to cut back on the lemon, girls. As Manu says, chemistry is involved (and wouldn’t Lisa kill to have chemistry lessons from Manu) and it wouldn’t ever have set. (Here’s a good article on how not to wreck sorbet http://tinyurl.com/zkuqqrq)
“Your pie – the bottom layer is too dense and too thick. Is it good enough for this competition? I’m not a huge fan of it.”
Manu, however, didn’t mind the pie, apart from the chunky base. (Why don’t any of these teams provide dessert forks?)
Poor Hazel is particularly cut and we can’t read Lisa’s expression because it’s been botoxed away.
More footage of Lauren being Lauren and Feisty being Feisty, while the SA Besties and the Miners are polite and we don’t get much footage of Nev and Kell.

Scores: Cops 5; SA Besties 6; Miners 6; Villain and Carmine 5; Ducks Nutters 4. Total 25/50 (which is better than their first attempt).
Judges: Entree Pete 8, Manu 9; Main Pete 7, Manu 6; Dessert Pete 3, Manu 5.
Total 63 and they are one point above the cops. Since two teams get eliminated, Ducks Nutters are safe.

Tonight it’s second chance time for the Miners, followed by SA Besties, but the promo is really about the looming battle between Lauren and Monique, who in a complete coincidence have been seated opposite each other both nights.



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MKR – Sun, March 6

Tonight the cops get to cook, and Channel 7 is trying to ramp up the drama by teasing us with the shocking news they blended the soup. OH. MY. GOD.

World's most famous stick blender in action.
World’s most famous stick blender in action.

Rachel Khoo will be kicking herself she didn’t stick around for this controversy.
Chat away.

It’s the cops’ night and they hope to beat Ducks Nuts’ score of 71.
Last time the judges said their dishes lacked flavour, so they are stocking up on salt and dried herbs.

Why do they keep dressing us in blue? To remind everyone we're cops?
Why do they keep dressing us in blue? To remind everyone we’re cops?

Their menu is:
Entree: Pea and ham soup with a homemade bread roll (which is what I give IT Sidekick for lunch in winter, because it freezes so well. It’s more family fare than dinner party fare, and I know from the ad they aren’t modernising it all with any MasterChefffy pea spherification)
Main: Rabbit pie with spinach, feta and stewed pear salad (I don’t understand what a stewed pear salad is – is it like a chutney? The description does not say “eat me – you want me!”.)
Dessert: Profiteroles
The girls are not happy that the rabbits are quite small, so fiddlier to work with, and Manu portends that bones in the dish could be a problem. Does someone choke?

They get into the kitchen on time and they get started on the ice cream and Feisty Cop (AKA Monique) says she’s backing off on the sugar as Manu criticised them for serving overly sweet food. They are also making puff pastry for the pie, which is a lot of work. Feisty Cop seems to be doing the heavy lifting here while Pug Lover is more prep and bread making.
Feisty Cop starts breaking down the rabbit right next to a tray of baked vegies, so flecks of raw meat are probably flying all the over the tray. The put the giant vegie chunks into the pea soup, so this is where the blending we see on the add comes in, as one of Feisty Cop/Mum Of Four’s sneaky “get more vegies into kids” techniques. Lauren does behave like a brat, so perhaps it’s aimed at her.

Speak of the d … dinner guests, here they come, and the poor miners are yet again stuck in clothes that are too small, with buttoned up shirts they are almost busting out of. I feel uncomfortable watching them, and that discomfort only increases when I see the Stepsies’ twinning Greek goddess dresses.

"What do you mean you spent the MKR sock budget on knee highs for Jess?"
“What do you mean you spent the MKR sock budget on knee highs for Jess?”

The girls are out. Also, here come Hazel and Lisa.
The girls are out. Also, here come Hazel and Lisa.

Just as well Tarq and his Dad are not here as Dad would have a field day with police-themed jokes. It doesn’t stop the voiceover guy.

Back in the kitchen the Cops are happy with how their progress. And here come to judges, to the tune of The Cruel Sea’s Better Get a Lawyer, Son, because … police.
And then, when the menus are being perused Channel 7 editors pull out a version of the Law & Order theme. Hang on – wouldn’t Channel 10 have rights to that?

Pug Lover cop is happy with the look of her uncooked bread rolls and I like her technique of holding a cook’s knife over each one to sprinkle with half and half poppy and sesame seeds.
And then we see the much-promo-ed stick blender come out, just after the guests have said they want chunky soup.
blenderpromo
They serve it up and the guests are surprised the soup is not green.


It’s chew time and … Pete is underwhelemed: “I struggled to find any of that beautiful pea flavour in here.” Uh oh, Feisty Cop is shocked. “I feel like I’m eating pumpkin soup.” Manu says they are missing texture: “it’s been destroyed by the blitzing”. However, Pete likes the bread roll.
The guests taste and Paige whispers “Funny old flavour”. Here’s a tip for Feisty Cop: Just because your kids like it, it doesn’t mean adults will. My kid would eat plain penne straight off my dirty kitchen floor if I let him (ok, it only happened that one time .. well, maybe twice …), but that’s not what I serve my friends.
Lauren is not happy. In the confessional she says: “I’ve never cooked pea and ham soup before, but I’m pretty sure we could have done this better.” Me, too, Lauren, but I don’t say it on national TV because then I’d look like a dick.

In the kitchen Feisty Cop is despondent but gets to work on the choux pastry while Pug Lover gets the short straw of pawing through a vat of stewed rabbit to fish out all the bones. Bet rabbit sounded fancy when they were planning their menus months beforehand, but now they must be wishing they picked beef.
Meanwhile, after enduring the fiasco of Nev’s seafood dish, the choux is on the other foot (that’s one for Tarq’s dad) as Feisty’s choux dough is too flopsy. She starts again. It’s better but instead of piping smooth balls she’s just quenelled it, so the surface could be a rough.
Pug Lover finishes her bone search but is not confident. The profiteroles come out and they finally have room to start cooking their pastry lids separately, but then realise there is no room in the oven for their eggplant chips. Not good planning. They could have done in the choux in prep and had dessert in the oven at the start.
And now their pastry lids have shrunk (overworked pastry and not enough chilling time? Anyway, a freestanding “lid” is not a pie).
Plus they went to all that effort of shelling fresh peas, only to cook the heck out of them anyway.
It’s two hours since entree and the guests are getting hungry, but it’s ok for the judges, who are in their trailer getting their spray tans and hair gel topped up. Lauren is right, for once, when she says it’s fair to score down for tardy meals.
They’ve done the eggplant chips but they are soggy (isn’t that eggplant’s natural state of being). Monique knows she’s on a losing streak : “Oh my god, the puff looks so pitiful. I don’t think there’s anything good on this dish.”

And now we get to see the stewed pear salad and I still don’t understand it. Could they not get fresh figs and had to make a switch?
Its chew o’clock … Over to Pete: “I thought it was delightful. The pastry was spot on.” They both liked the chips. Both wanted more pastry. Manu thought the pie filling needed “life”. The Cops are shocked to get a half-decet critique.
The guests are shocked to find bones in their dish – more than one.
Poor Rosie gets two, including this wicked thing:

That could have been nasty.
That could have been nasty.

Now it’s time for the Evil Lauren edit, where we hear Lauren say callous things at the table, while guests retort from the safety of the confessional. “This is business,” she says. “Remove the emotion from it. I would rather say it in front of everyone than look like I’m knifing anyone.” So Lauren will cook last, once she’s annoyed everyone, a la Jessica and Zana?

In the kitchen the Cops are happy to have 13 “good profiteroles”. So, they are serving one per person? Their menu should be profiterole, singular, then. Feisty has managed to split her ganache, which is easy to make, but she’s not stirring it over simmering water like you’re meant to (she’s just put the bowl on the bench), so no surprise there. And then she slices her hand while chopping chocolate for batch two (although they bought choc melts, so why chop?) and Feisty is not having a good day. She has to bin the bloodied chocolate. Finally, batch three of ganache works and they plate up their mega profiteroles while the editors kill a bit of time with a montage of alleged flirtation between Lisa and Manu.

Cue the choux … Manu likes the choux but there is a floury texture in their custard – too much thickener that wasn’t cooked out. Pete really likes the ice cream and most of the components. Geez, they’ve had to lower the bar after weeks of mediocre meals.
The guests seem to like it, except shy, modest Lauren. She tells the confessional: “I don’t like to toot my own horn, but toot toot, freakin toot – my custard is the bomb.” She looks to Carmine for agreement, but we don’t hear his response. Yep, definitely cast for personality, not cooking.

To the scores:
SA Besties 5; Miners 5; Stepsies 5; Lauren and Carmine 4; Ducks Nutters 3.
So the girls know they are going to do worse than their first-round score of 68

Judges: Entree Pete 4, Manu 5; Main Pete 8, Manu 7; Dessert Pete 8, Manu 8. (Note, the mains scores are exactly what the Italians received for their osso bucco and risotto main, and there’s seems to have far fewer flaws.)
Total: 62

Tomorrow night it’s Hazel and Lisa. Lauren is looking forward to another serving of hair so she can repent once MKR is finished and make a hair shirt.



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MKR – Wed, March 2

It’s the first cook of redemption round and, sadly, we are stuck back with Pete and Manu. Boo hoo. Here we go with another interminable round of loser cooks, and we no longer have the up side that is Colin’s accent and Rachel’s poise.
This is where Chloe and Kelly started from last year, right? And where are they now? Oh, yeah, sacked from their gig as restaurant reviewers.
We’re in WA and it’s Duck Nutters Nev and Kell. Please, Nev, no more sacrilege of burnt crackle. Last time they got 56.
There’s a talking head edit from the Stepsies about the great unknown that it is the other teams and it’s time for the twinning outfits to stop.

Enough, already!
Enough, already!

At least because we’ve met them already the Coles shopping takes all of 15 seconds, then they’re off to pick up some marron. The marron shop lady genteely asks: “Do you want them to be euthanased?”
They are not mucking around and whip through setting up their tacky Hollywood-themed restaurant.
Their menu is:
Entree: Grilled marron with lemon and dill butter (this will have to be perfectly cooked but good on them for taking a risk – the judges will love it if it works)
Main: Eye fillet with sweet potato mash and red wine jus (Oops, sorry, it’s a “juss”, according to Kell.)
Dessert: Baked vanilla cheesecake (What’s with all the cake-type desserts this year – there’d better be some more elements.)
In the kitchen they crack on with the cheesecake, determined to redeem themselves after their apple pie disaster. Surprisingly, Kell is doing the crumb all up the side of the tin, which is just asking for bits to break off when they cut it later. They are bickering a little over the best method, so the tension is creeping in, but compared to last night’s shocking behaviour it’s still happy days.
Nev gets on to the entree and is determined to show the judges he heeded their advice to keep things simple. He also says “juss”. They do seem more relaxed this time round and are having a bit of fun in the kitchen. At one point Nev shows he knows how to segment citrus fruit – can he please give the Miners a lesson so they serve no further pith-filled salads.
The guests arrive and Non-Man Bun miner has drawn the stylist short straw. Did he get Jess’s old stylist?
Wrong.
Wrong.

At the table the guests play “guess the relationship” and Rosie is surprised to learn the Miners aren’t in fact surf lifesavers. A fan of Bondi Rescue, perhaps.
Hazel reveals she has a dog. What kind? “A Shih-teze.” Hmm, maybe that’s what they needed after eating Dee’s food.

In the kitchen Nev is cleaning marron as the judges pull of the the strains of Foo Fighters’ Learn to Fly. Who knows why. The doorbell rings and the music switches to the angstier Chilli Peppers’ Higher Ground, which probably refers to Manu’s skyscraper slick of hair.

Did Pete get orangier in the break?
Did Pete get orangier in the break?

The Stepsies are beside themselves to be in the presence of Panu. The guests are reminded the two worst teams will be booted, but Manu reveals: “But all eez not what it sims. Once you’ve all coked, get ready for a game-changing surprise.” Come on, Manu, I know you’re a party boy but should you be encourage teams to “coke”? What does it all mean?
Duck Nutters explain the menu, including their red wine “juss” and Hazel does this to hide her laughter:
juss
Manu relishes the chance to be the one correct other’s pronunciation for a change.
Cop Megan interrogates everyone about their scores and is pleased to learn she and Cop 2 are up the top. It seems like ages ago – I have vague memories of boring salmon fillet and veg.

In the kitchen they are cooking the marron and – hooray – tasting the food before it goes out. Nev thinks it’s under, Kell thinks it’s spot on. Dee and Tim, watch their interaction and support for each other, even when they disagree. The dish looks prettier than in this official MKR photo.


Chew time … Panu look to be having a little trouble tearing the meat out – I’ve never eaten marron but I know from years of watching MasterChef this means it’s undercooked. Manu leads them into a trap by asking: “How do you think you went?” and they think they did fine.
Manu: “It’s undercooked. When you cook shellfish like this, when it’s black, when it’s cooked, it turns red. This is still black.”
Lisa’s reaction says it all.
lisaeyes
Then it’s Pete’s turn to gut the Nuts. He schools them in the fact the claws actually have the tastiest flesh (they haven’t cracked them for the guests and Nev confesses they don’t eat that bit), they’ve underseasoned and he can’t taste the lemon or dill. Ouchies.
Nev is gutted but keeps it together at the table.
brave
We’re reminded of Paige’s one-liners when she whispers to Rosie: “What happens is I eat under marron; am I going to do?”
Lauren – who is happy to serve guests uncooked seafoof – declines to try much of her marron. Non-Man Bun miner seems to have scored a cooked one and Lisa is hilariously trying to bash open a claw with her fork handle, while Carmine – dangerously – uses his teeth.
Lauren is being reserved in her comments and the Stepsies take note.

Back in the kitchen Nev is bucking up a despondent Kell. Then, they crack on with the main and Nev is cooking the steaks before Kell has even but the veg in boiling water for the mash. Again they’ve picked a tough one having to do 12 individual serves.
At the table Cop Monique is leading everyone in a game of “stick the table decorations on your face” and Lauren looks like she is actually enjoying herself.
It’s delightful to see a contestant using a meat thermometer (if you don’t have one, go get one – this Matt Preston article may convince you http://tinyurl.com/zzzw83c
I’m surprised Nev is blanching the asparagus and then tossing it through hot oil. Where’s the butter? He’s happy with the jus flavour but thinks it’s too thin. If he hadn’t cooked his steaks so early he could have reduced his jus. At least the soz jug is a decent size.

Chew time: Ducks Nuts are desperately trying to get a glimpse of the inside of a the judges’ steaks. Surely they did a tester that we didn’t see. Manu: “The jus was really, really tasty. Probably not the right consistency; but tasty… This is why I wanted to kick your butt a little, so you could deliver a main course like this.” Pete says they still needed more seasoning and takes a leaf out of Rachel Khoo’s book by telling Kell to roast the sweet potato next time before mashing. “This is what we’re after: Simple, but tasty.”
The Cops have twigged to Lauren’s nicey-nice game and know she’s one to watch, and we know from the ads fireworks are on the way.
Back in the kitchen Nev is worried about the basicness of their cheesecake. Pete pops in to chat – am I right that Colin and Rachel did not do these spontaneous pop-ins – and Nev bounces off him the idea of doing a raspberry soz, but Kell is adamant fresh berries will do. As Nev says, it will only take a jiffy to whip one up, so why not.
At the table they are debating the simplicity of the dessert and Lauren unknowingly quotes Hayden Moss from Survivor Blood versus Water when she says: “I don’t want to rustle any feathers.” Can you now hear the autumn leaves ruffling, Lauren?
It’s time to cut the cheesecakes and Kell can’t watch. They look nice and high and Kell is happy – until Nev insists on adding a little dish of his hastily whipped up berry sauce. It’s been dusted with icing sugar, so look away, Jess.

Chew o’clock … Pete chastises them for not serving it as they usually do, which is just with fruit. It didn’t need the coulis because it was “faultless”. However, the superfluous coulis did taste good. Pete’s critique: “It was the duck’s nuts, mate.”
Man Bun Miner is in heaven with his dessert.
I’m glad they had one win for the night – I may actually look up this recipe.

Happy days.
Happy days.

Team score: Miners 9 (sticking up for their mates with the scoring – will the favour be returned?), Lauren and Carmine 7, Stepsies 6, Cops 6, SA Besties 6. With these scores they are on track to beat their initial 56.
Judges: Entree Pete 1, Manu 2; Main Pete 7, Manu 7; Dessert Pete 10, Manu 10 (okay, here’s the recipe http://tinyurl.com/gns4ka8 or you can watch Better Homes on Friday night)
Total 71. That should see them safe.

On Sunday night it’s the cops’ turn and it’s another soup for entree but it looks like Lauren provides the spice.



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MKR – Tues, March 1

Welcome to Autumn, everyone. It’s Dee Day and she’s let poor hubby Harry Potter out from under the stairs to help in the kitchen. Bet he wishes he knew the Avada Kedavra curse ….
Sadly this is the last night The Khoo will be on MKR. Nooooo ….

Unfortunately I can’t watch til after 10pm, so have at it with the comments.


Here we go …

Look how happily married we are. For reals.
Look how happily married we are. For reals.

Dee and downtrodden Harry Potter husband (please, can someone please save him from his cupboard under the stairs and send him off to Hogwarts) head off to the shops with 7 hr 30 mins on the clock. So that’s 4 hrs 30 mins to shop and decorate, which seems a long time – are all the nearby Coles stores not pretty enough for TV?

In the car they get the background music of the novelty song, Macarena, because Dee is, you know, Spanish, and that’s the all they had on file. Remember this?

This was 20 years ago - feeling old yet?
This was 20 years ago – feeling old yet?

Dee is coaching Tim on how to say the names of their Spanish dishes, but I don’t hold out much hope given he’s one of those people who says “pronunciation” as “pro-nounce-iation”.
The menu
Entree: Lentijas – Spanish lentil soup with chorizo (sounds not very technical – it’s no twice-baked souffle)
Main: Albondigas Patatas Bravas – Spanish meatballs with potatoes and spicy sauce (I’ve only had these as two separate tapas – not togetether)
Dessert: Flan de Huevo (Spanish creme caramel)

And here’s our last-ever shot of The Khoo and The Fass – or do we call them by their celeb couple name Khoonidge or Fassoo – critiqueing the menu.

Look at us, in new outfits and pretending we don't film all these bits on one day.
Look at us, in new outfits and pretending we don’t film all these bits on one day.

In Coles, we learn Dee has written her shopping list course by course, rather than food groupings, so there will be a lot of time wasted running back and forth. That’s ok; it’s not like there’s a clock counting down or anything.
Harry Potter wipes his schnozz on the veg and this is a bigger crime than last night’s egg shaking.
Who's ever heard of a schnozzberry?
Who’s ever heard of a schnozzberry?

Sure, sniff away but don’t leave boogers on veg you have not paid for. Plus, they are supermarket tomatoes – if they had any tomatoey scent you’d fall over in shock.
After two hours in Coles and with still more shopping to do, Dee concedes she stuffed up the shopping list. Do you reckon she normally does online shopping and never sets foot in a real supermarket?
Finally home, they rush through the setting up of their travel-themed restaurant but still get into the kitchen way behind, with 2:28 on the clock. Tim gets cracking on the dessert as it needs time to set. His caramel looks pale, but maybe that’s the Spanish way.
Dee is micromanaging him, but in their confessional – with Dee within knifing distance – he tells the camera he loves being told what to do. But he’s blinking H-E-L-P in Morse code.
Modest Dee gets out the flour: “Bread. I make it every day. To me, it’s really easy. I’m pretty confiedent it’s going to be perfect.” So, we know something goes wrong with the bread.
And then it gets worse – she says she has changed the soup recipe from the traditional way she and her mum have always cooked. Normally she fries the chorizo first but she just chucks them in whole. Yeah, skip the frying, Dee, why would you want to add amazing flavour and texture to your dish? Might as well just chuck in some cocktail franks instead.
She goes to make the second batch of bread – the one Harry Potter started – and it’s not working and she instantly gets super whiny and oh this is going to get so much worse as the night goes on. And it does within two seconds when she sees her sauteeing onions are slightly brown. Instead of picking out the few browned ones she has a total tantie. Can Jessica come back instead – all is forgiven!
Then the tears start.
My four-year-old has more self control.
My four-year-old has more self control.

Tim attempts to calm her down and she gets it together, only to realise she forgot to put the ham hock in the soup. Those lentils are going to be flavourless mush by the time that ham gets boiling.
Then she points out he’s left the sticker on a lemon that’s been sliced for drinks – let’s hope Lauren gets that one. She gets increasingly cranky that he’s making sangria when the kitchen looks like this:
This is all Tim's fault; none of this mess is Dee's. Not even the lentils and veg which are from her soup.
This is all Tim’s fault; none of this mess is Dee’s. Not even the lentils and veg which are from her soup.

And then this happens:
Tim's wishing he could drink the whole bottle.
Tim’s wishing he could drink the whole bottle.

And he splashes wine an inch away from their precious flans.
We’re only 25 minutes already in and theirs already been more drama and tension than the whole of last night’s episode.
The guests arrive and I was wrong: Channel 7 has one other Spanish song in its music library. It’s Bamboleo, by The Gypsy Kings. And here are the judges, looking schmick, as per usual, and they get the cool kids music of Goldfrapp We Are Glitter.
Last time Rachel arrives at an MKR house.
Last time Rachel arrives at an MKR house.

The guests peruse the menus and they are done in a cool airline-ticket style, but it’s all in Spanish – no translation – which is pretentious.
Back in the kitchen, Dee’s soup just needs one more thing: cumin powder. And what have they bought? Coriander powder. Fail! Again, it’s all Harry Potter’s fault even though they went shopping together.
"Anywhere but my face, Deeze."
“Anywhere but my face, Deeze.”

This is where frying off the chorizo would have helped, both to impart flavour and look more appetising on top of the soup.


It’s chew o’clock …
The Fass was happy with the hearty, peasant-style look of the dish, but that was it. The lentils weren’t cooked, the onion was raw, the chorizo wasn’t caramelised, there wasn’t enough flavour: “What I got was not very good.” The Khoo says it’s obvious they had trouble in the kitchen. Yep, her name is Dee.
She tears up and Lauren can’t hide her disgust, thinking she’s going for the sympathy vote. The only nice thing the guests can say is they liked the bread, so Lauren – who’s on the bottom of the leaderboard – is happy again.
ticket
Back in the kitchen they get to work on the meatballs and Harry Potter is tasked with toasting the homemade bread for crumbs in the oven. And burns the bread. And not in a gourmet “ash is cool” kind of way.
At least they have a back-up packet of breadcrumbs. Dee then gives hubby the complicated task of rolling meatballs.
It’s taking them ages – the guests are very restless – and, foolishly, Dee has made hubby wait til the rolling is done until they start browning meatballs, even they can only fit a few in the pan at a time.
And the ones he has done are raw in the middle. She’s a very supportive wife: “Just cook them! You’re pissing me off.”
Run away, Harry – don’t let the Dementor get you!
Why don’t they chuck them in the oven to finish off? They are plating up and it looks awful. Apparently they had a different vision for the dish, but it would be hard to make it look pretty, even if it was well cooked.


Chew time … and The Fass is disappointed with the blahness of the dish: “You didn’t give me Spain. I didn’t travel nowhere.” Not only are the meatballs uncooked, the sauce is, too. The Khoo gives them cooking tips for next time and says the aioli – which is easy to make, but then Lisa had to do hers four times – is good. The potatoes should have been par-boiled before deep frying to get them crunchy. She tries to buck them up: “Show me a cracker of a dessert.”
Carmine and Lauren are dancing on the inside.
Dad No. 1, who has nibbled the edge of one meatball, sums it up when he says: “If we had been able to eat them, I reckon they might have been enjoyable, actually.”
Carmine and Lauren aren’t as used to being tactful. “I would say they are going home already,” he tells the table, which is just the sort of comment to make people want to boot you from the comp.

Back in the kitchen they know they’ve screwed up, but at least their dessert is mostly done. The creme caramels slide out of the ramekins pretty well, and the two slightly bodgy ones are headed for Carmine and Lauren. The caramel looks super pale, and the side garnish of three raspberries and two whole, giant mint leaves is weird. Why not serve the dessert on dark plates for contrast, with some kind of crumb and perhaps a tuille to scoop with? Yes, that would be beyond their abilities but they could have done something else to fancy it up.


Time for the judges to masticate …
The Khoo liked the plating but says the caramel was under. The Fass agrees but found the garnish “pedestrian”.
Hazel loves the flan and it’s generally well received, although no-one seems to have touched their mint leaves, perhaps because they’d need a knife to cut them.
Just before scoring time, Lauren is winning friends: “I hate to think that, if I had cried my eyes out, that would have saved me. I’m not going to put on tears just because I want to win votes.”
Time for the team scores but, oh, that’s right, we have to go back to HQ for the reveal. They need to beat Carmine and Lauren’s 51 and if everyone scores fairly, Dee and hubby will get the boot for having two inedible dishes.

Judges: Entree Khoo 3, Fass 2; Main Khoo 2, Fass 2; Dessert Khoo 6, Fass 6. The guest teams gave a combined score of 11/50, for a total of 32.
Bye bye, Dee, and – sniff – bye, Rachel Khoo. Please come back next year for more than four eps.
The other teams file back in, 15 in total. As with last year, the bottom two teams will go another round with Pete and Manu. At the end, two teams will get the boot. So it’s out of The Ducks Nutters, The Miners, The Cops, The Stepsies, Carmine and Lauren and SA Besties Rosie and Paige. From the promos, MKR is relying on Lauren to stir the pot.



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MKR – Mon, Feb 29

It’s the Newcastle Dads’ turn to cook, and we find out one is a physio and the other a dietitian. Nice to see two blokes who have maintained such a strong friendship since they were sprogs.
This is the first time I’ve seen contestants stroll to the shops on MKR – should have got one of those handy granny trolleys so they don’t have to lug it all home. Then the physio picks up a carton of eggs and shakes it.

Why!?
I’m baffled by the egg shaking.

Who the heck does that? I want to shake him at this point. They are advertising Coles Free Range Eggs (well, alleged free range – according to Choice “For eggs to be labelled free range, the Model Code of Practice says there should be a maximum of 1500 hens per hectare. But many commonly available “free range” brands do not adhere to this, with some brands keeping as many as 10,000 chooks per hectare.” And guess how many Coles has?)
The menu
Entree: “Double the fun”: Twice-baked cheese souffle
Main: “Sweet Swine” Prosciutto-wrapped pork fillet with potato puree and honey sage jus.
Dessert: “Crunch Time” Chocolate mousse with hazelnut praline and raspberry coulis
Discussing the menu, the judges are looking fab – as always- and The Fass is thrilled by the main: “You had me at pork.”
Can't we just keep these two? Who needs Pete and Manu
Can’t we just keep these two? Who needs Pete and Manu

The guys are cruising through the shopping, stopping to taste test prosciutto, and buy decent dark chocolate for their dessert (Zana, I still haven’t forgotten your shameful use of Cadbury Dairy Milk). Last stop is for booze at Liquorland and this episode is much more blatant in its advertising than some of the previous ones.
Whose genius idea was it to walk?
Whose idea was it to walk?

At home (looks like a rental for the show) they quickly set up “Sand and Steel” and the guests get some kinetic sand to play with. It’s fun stuff so I’m hoping The Fass will give it a go.
They are in the kitchen as the clock starts at 3:00 and are straight on to the dessert elements that need time to set. But Cookie (the dietitian) scrambles his first anglaise for the ice cream but gets it right second time round (no four goes to make mayo-type disaster here).
Then they get on to both the entree and mains prep – Hazel and Lisa could learn some time management skills off these guys. Both seem to be capable cooks, whereas the other teams have had an obvious chef and sous chef vibe (except the Italians).

Here come the guests and what the hell is Mr Chops wearing?

Shirt stolen off an 80yo man at the local RSL.
Shirt stolen off an 80yo man at the local RSL.

Inside, Lauren is the most chipper we’ve seen her since she bombed, and actually compliments the decor and plays with the sand.
But Hazel and Lisa don’t have much time for new Lauren, based on their view she is scoring strategically. “I don’t have much time for cheaters,” Lisa says. Hmm, has she learned yet there was a whopping big hair in Lauren’s meal?
In the kitchen the Mates are happy with how the souffles are looking – what a shame they only brought 12 ramekins with them and can’t test one. And since it looks like a rental, they can’t just grab any old dish to do a tester in.
Here come The Fass and The Khoo, the latter looking like he’s off to a picnic in the Italian countryside.
10/10 for this skirt.
10/10 for this skirt.

The lads start plating up the entree and it looks delish. There’s a minor hiccup of getting a plate stuck in the saucepan – yep, that’s as close as these fellas come to a tense moment in the kitchen.


It’s chew o’clock … And The Khoo establishes her claim to be a cheese expert by saying she lived in Paris for eight years. She is happy with their use of parmesan and cheddar, but wanted more flavour from their side veg – and she tells them to roast the tomatoes next time. Colin says they should have sprinkled cheese on top for cheesey crunch, but he still praises their effort.
The guests are enjoying their souffles, except Dee reckons hers is overcooked. Lauren has been bodysnatched by aliens and replaced with a nice Lauren who hails the souffle as “the dish of the competition so far”.
The Stepsies are baffled by the MKR equivalent of doing this:

I'm crazy enthusiastic for no reason, like my friend Lauren.
I’m crazy enthusiastic for no reason, like my friend Lauren.

But they console themselves in their confessional to camera by cackling that Lauren should go eat her spaghetti in a bag: “No-one else did.”
Twinning at insults.
Twinning at insults.

Back in the kitchen they get on to mains and things are going well until the power goes out, but it’s only for a minute. Talk about an anti-climax.
Cookie is feeling the pressure a bit and dithering over how well he should cook the pork.
Emotions ... feelings
Emotions … feelings

Cook to please Pork Ambassador Colin, I say. At least they have enough to do a tester. They struggle a bit with the timing – this is where a meat thermometer would be handy.
Cookie moves on to the potato and you can tell he’s a serious cook because he’s using a drum sieve, which is painstaking work but gives super smooth mash.
They’ve obviously put a lot of thought into the plating up – it looks great.


It’s chew time … and The Fass is impressed by their gutsy effort in cooking 36 medallions or pork, and doing it well. “The dish is actually like something I’ve had on the menu before.” The only fault he finds is that the sauce soaked into the mash. The Khoo is happy, too: “You couldn’t have done a better job.” She wanted a bit more butter in the puree (perhaps dietitian Cookie let his professional knowledge stay his hand).
Dee and Lauren both say their meat was overcooked – looks like the aliens brought original Lauren back.

Back in the kitchen the lads are making praline, while at the table Dee explains she doesn’t like choccy mousse, which is a shame for Husband of Dee, as he loves it. However, every night Dee confines him to a cupboard under the stairs, Harry Potter style, so no mousse for him.
They Mates are plating up and Cookie is a bit heavy handed with the dusting cocoa. The plating looks great and this is a much more complicated dessert than the last few we’ve seen.


Time to chew … The Khoo is happy (apart from the heavy layer of cocoa powder) but The Fass wanted more of his promised crunch. It was good, but not as delish as the main.
They’ve done well and deserve high scores. Apparently the dessert was confusing to Dee but it made her backflip on her claim she doesn’t like chocolate mousse.

Team scores: Dee and That Guy 8; Lauren and That Guy 8; Zesty Stepsies 8; Tarq and Joke Dad 7 (not wanting to relinquish top spot); Mr and Mrs Chops 9.
Judges: Entree Khoo 8, Fass 7; Main Khoo 9 (note how she pronounced the dish “fillay”), Fass 9; Dessert Khoo 7, Fass 7 (with the comment: “A lot of cocoa powder- must have got it on special”)
Total 87, which puts them at the top of the leaderboard, seven points above Tarq and Dad. Hooray – at least two pairs this round can cook!

Tomorrow night: It’s Dee Day! And we get to see poor Harry Potter fail spectacularly at pouring wine into a container with a very large neck.
wine2

Missed it by that much.
Missed it by that much.


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MKR – Sun, Feb 28


Chat here for Sunday MKR.

It’s the turn of step besties – stesties? – Hazel and Lisa tonight and we don’t know much about them other than they like twinning their outfits. Oh, and they do a good Kath & Kim impersonation and have been fair and non-catty in their commentaries. Which makes them likeable, but can they cook? Given the performances in this round so far, a half-arsed job will see them safe anyway.

It’s kind of nice to see a stepmum and stepdaughter who get on so well. Hazel is a fitness instructor, of the annoyingly upbeat variety, and even though I rewound it twice, I could not catch Lisa’s profession – is flooring finance a thing? Or did she say boring finance.

Their menu is:

Entree: Salmon croquettes with lime aioli

Main: Beef Wellington with potato gallete and green beans

Dessert: Citrus polenta yoghurt cake with pistachio ice cream

The croquettes sound simple but so much could go wrong with the Wellington, from the pastry to the doneness of the meat – made all the more difficult by the number of people they have to cook for.

As she peruses the menu The Khoo is looking as divine as always – if her cooking empire crumbles she could definitely start a makeup and fashion house.

The Khoo in all her glory.
The Khoo in all her glory.

Shopping goes smoothly and it’s home to decorate their restaurant, the aptly named Zesty. There have been a few celebratory hip bumps so far by “Daughtie” and “Steppie” – will these lessen as the night goes on?

With the clock at 2:40 they head to the kitchen, so 20 minutes late already. Wisely they start with the icecream but I don’t know why Lisa is starting with mayo when someone needs to make pastry. It’s not that hard to make mayo once you’ve done it a few times – just add some hot water to it, Lisa! But, no, she’s trying again and it’s flopped again. Did she forget the salt? are the eggs not room temp?

Meanwhile, Hazel starts on the puff and puts it away for the first rest, before moving on to the entree. Earlier, The Fass and The Khoo had said they wanted bechamel or mash holding their croquettes together but Lisa – or is it Hazel? – sees these flavoursome binders as “unwanted carbs” (thinking of you, Jessica!). Uh oh. Hazel is boning the salmon, so Lisa is definitely the sous chef in this kitchen.

I hope everyone likes mushrooms.
I hope everyone likes mushrooms.

Here come the guests and the girls look lovely in their frocks – not a white knee sock in sight – but poor Tarq’s Dad has been lumbered with a navy double-breasted jacket.

Off to a wedding?
Off to a wedding?

The other guests ooh and aah over the decor but Lauren is ready for a war and can’t even muster up the manners to say something nice in her confessional.

Ready to stab someone if they dare insult her inedible food.
Ready to stab someone if they dare insult her inedible food.

Here come the judges and, sadly, The Khoo is not wearing one of her signature vibrant prints.

The Khoo looking rather Sandra Dee.
The Khoo looking rather Sandra Dee.

Unfortunately the Steppies can’t open the door as Lisa left the tap open on the fryer while she filled it up, and the Exxon Valdez is happening in their kitchen. Just what they need. Eventually it all gets sopped up with reams of paper towel and the croquettes look golden and crunchy, but they are serving them with a fennel and strawberry salad … Colin is going to go off his nut!

But before the judges can taste, this happens:

Special garnish for Lauren.
Special garnish for Lauren.

Now Lauren has something to justify the low score she already planned to give them. Hair in food doesn’t bother me much and it was bound to happen on a show where the contestants can’t wear hair nets or chef’s hats.
Cue the chew … The Fass finds, as foreshadowed, the croquettes are too dry due to lack of moisture and there was not enough aioli to compensate (insert your own memory here of Manu asking: Where’s the soz?). The Khoo tries to soften the blow by saying the aoili was zesty and the croquettes had crunch. But basically the filling and the salad sucked.
And what do the guests think of the strawberries in the salad?
Mate/Dad No. 2 speaks for everyone.
Mate/Dad No. 2 speaks for everyone.

Back in the kitchen Hazel and Lisa think Lauren was just being her snooty self by not eating her entree. Again, Hazel shows she is the cook of the pair by doing all the work for the Wellington, but they are not wrapping everything in a crepe, as is traditional, which means the moisture from the mushroom duxelle could make the pastry soggy. They are in trouble with timing, as those are huge pieces of meat that will take over an hour to cook, and Stepmum already spent time searing the meat and assembling the layers. And then they need to rest it at the end.
Wellington in the oven, Hazel gets to stirring her thimbleful of sauce on the stove. Lisa has to convince her they need more than spot on each plate. How can you be a contestant on MKR and not know the first rule of MKR is: More soz.
So, they add cream to what looked like a jus. And then red wine. Bleaurgh.

Pink soz.
Pink soz.

Hazel:It’s actually a nice colour; it’s really interesting.” Interesting – it’s what you say when you aren’t convinced but don’t want to see rude.
Look at moi, soz.
Look at moi, soz.

In the dining room the guests are so delirious with hunger they’ve started singing The Lion Sleeps Tonight.
Remember these guys from 2012 MKR? It was three hours between their entree and main, and they served dessert after 1am.
Villains BL (Before Lauren).
Villains BL (Before Lauren).

The Steppies use the time spent waiting for the Welly to prep their dessert. Finally the Wellies are out but OMG they have not cooked the galletes. Why didn’t they shove them in at the same time? And after all that some of the pastry is cracked, the bottoms are soggy (that’s why you use the crepe, girls) and one of the fillets looks to be overcooked. They could break the record here for longest MKR wait between meals. Colin is going to tear them a new one.
They rightly decide Lauren will get one of the dodgy pieces.


It’s chew time … and the first thing The Fass does is notice the soggy bottom, so he gives them a lesson in where they went wrong. The potatoes and green beans are a bit undercooked and they did not cook out the wine in the sauce. The Khoo struggles to provide constructive criticism.
It’s a fail and it will be interesting to see if the guests score it higher than it deserves because they want to keep Lauren and Carmine out.
Back in the kitchen the Steppies are getting dessert out quickly, but have they allowed enough time for the syrup to sink in to the cake? Nothing worse than stodgy, dry polenta cake. Why didn’t they also serve some syrup on the side?
Lisa seems unaware of how much trouble they are in. “We’ve had an okay entree, a good main; we really need a great dessert.” No, you need a time machine, Lisa.

Time for the judges to chew … The Khoo is happy with the cake (the syrup must have sat for a lot longer than the editing indicated), but not the ice cream, as it’s more vanilla than pistachio. The Fass must really like them as he’s been a lot more brutal in the past. He’s glad they had a comeback with the cake. “That was your dish of the night.”
The camera cuts from a glowering Lauren (gotta keep the villain edit going) to a stoked Lisa.

"Fail, fail, fail." "We didn't fail!"
“Fail, fail, fail.”

Mr and Mrs Chops enjoy the cake. They are too normal and pleasant to make the edit much, so here’s a reminder of what his hair looks like:

No drama, just weird hair.
No drama, just weird hair.

Team scores: Mr and Mrs Chops 5; Tarq and Dad 5; Dads/Mates 5; Dee and That Guy 5; Mr and Mrs Villain 2.
Judges: Entree Khoo 4, Fass 4; Main Khoo 6, Fass 6 (he’s definitely mellowed); Dessert Khoo 8 (very generous), Fass 7.
Total: 57. They’re safe.

Being likeable goes a long way with the scoring – take note, Lauren.
Tonight we’re off to Newcastle to see if the childhood mates can cook. There hasn’t been much promo for them, so perhaps they can.



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MKR – Wed, Feb 24


A teaser from The Fass for tonight’s show. I won’t be recapping tonight but if anyone has time, please go ahead! Otherwise I’ll catch up at the weekend.
And if you can’t get enough of The Khoo, catch her over at SBS later in the week.


No recap but here are are some dish pix.



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MKR – Tues, Feb 23

Tonight it’s New Zanna and The Plus One Who’s Allowed to Speak … Hopefully some yummy Italian dishes in store.
Wish I could tell you their real names but Channel 7 hasn’t bothered putting bios up on the website for any of Fass’s teams. So, guessing none of them win, then?

Let's just call them New Zanna and New Plus One.
Ah, so that’s their names … but let’s just call them New Zanna and New Plus One until we know they are sticking around.

We start in a quite dated kitchen that doesn’t match the outside of the house, so I’m thinking this is not their place as they don’t strike me as brown tile people. Perhaps it belongs to their parents.
New Zanna (aka Lauren) is talking herself up in between footage of them working out and he’s not far behind. Do they have actual jobs or like Jess and Marcos do they purely go to the gym and cook?
Looks like they live somewhere north-east of the city (did any TTV readers recognise the Coles?).
The menu is:
Entree: Zucchini Involtini with Homemade Ricotta
Main: Seafood Spaghetti in a Bag (that’s a new one on me)
Dessert: Rum Baba with Lemon Custard
Lauren is running round Coles in an electric blue play suit and is looking forward to showing off her ricotta-making skills, apparently a first for MKR. Really?
Back home they are happy with their time management and, setting up the decor, reveal they met in a pub. What an unusual story. So they are setting up their restaurant with a pub theme.
In the kitchen, on time, Carmine gets on to the past making, having learnt at the elbow of his Nonna. He’s happy with the dough but it looks pretty dry. He then moves on to the fiddly task of cleaning the seafood.
Lauren is making the ricotta and it’s not working, so she starts again but before she gets too far in she realises her first batch worked after all. D’oh!
The timer is at 1:09. I hope she achieved a lot more in the past two hours than we were shown – surely she was not standing over a pot, waiting for it to boil.
Carmine moved on to pasta making, with the obligatory bag of Coles plain flour positioned in shot – and there is no way they actually used that to make the dough.
Here come the guests and Chops is wearing a hideous purple shirt and orange pants. Did he get the same stylist as Jessica?
Chops and Mrs Chops finally are able to meet the other guests and there are a lot of woeful dad jokes flying around.
In the kitchen Lauren is not initially happy with hubby’s zucchini charring technique, but once that’s sorted they seem on track.
The Fass and Rachel arrive – both looking fabulous. Do we even need Pete and Manu next year? Can’t we just have this pairing?
Carmine does the formal greeting and he’s been to the Jeff Fenech School of Elocution: “Lovely to have youse guys here.”
In the kitchen they are having trouble rolling their zukes ( Lauren earlier mentioned she sliced them by hand – embrace the mandolin, Lauren!). Eventually the plates look quite good but I expected more char on the veg.

Cue the chew … Colin thought the ricotta was “nice” but they should have charred the zukes more. Rachel is more enthusiastic about the ricotta and agrees about the lack of char. Colin says it’s a simple dish so they needed to get it perfect: “I’ll put it this way: it’s like going on a date and not getting a kiss at the end of the night.”
The guests quite enjoy it but New Villain Dee is predictably unimpressed: “it’s not a competition dish.”
Back in the kitchen they are cleaning the goo out of the squid and hopefully the guests can’t hear her making retching noises as she does it. They should have prepped their squid earlier, and now look to be running a little behind (although at least we know whoever owns the house barracks for the Crows as there’s a team mug in the cupbaord above the squid-skinning station.
While the pasta sauce simmers Lauren gets on to the babas (anyone else got Kate Bush’s Baboushka stuck in their head? No? How about now?).
Carmine is slicing calamari and it’s all differently sized. He’s cooking it but seems to be asking her a lot of questions about the timing of adding the seafood – why doesn’t she just do this bit?
And then we hear the phrase that is usually the MKR death knell: “Usually when I make X I don’t …” Yep, she’s putting par-boiled pasta into the hot sauce instead of the usual cold, so I’m guessing it will be overcooked. They are panicking too much about time.
At the table Dee is being a drama queen about her ravenous hunger and Mr and Mrs Chops look bemused to be encountering her attitude for the first time. The others are all fairly chilled and good ole Stepmum Hazel has been sticking up for everyone in the two episodes we’ve seen her.
In the kitchen the couple is putting the dishes in the oven for much less than usual, so perhaps the pasta won’t be overcooked after all. However, if they are leaving them in for only two minutes, what’s the point of the paper bag?
We don’t see them tasting, but that footage could have fallen on the editing room floor.


Chew o’clock …or actually, sniff o’clock as the judges unfold their bags and inhale. Looks like The Fass got a bracelet-sized ring of squid in his, much like the unwanted toy in a Christmas cracker. Colin has done this dish many times in his restaurant and is a big fan of the method. And we’re waiting for the “but” … Ad break … “What we’ve got here is closer to sushi than it was to being cooked.” Yikes. The seafood was all under and the pasta was over. “I’m not here to drop the axe but it’s just a very bad dish.” Rachel:”It’s a bit of a disaster.” Then she tells them to put it behind them and move on.
So, the couple definitely didn’t do a taste teaster then, gooses.
The guests don’t look keen to tuck in. Villian Dee’s hubby immediately gets a mouthful of beard (insert your own joke here), which is not pleasant, and reveals his mussel is uncooked. Icky! This makes last night’s overcooked lamb look Michelin star worthy.
Dee tells the table: “I hate this dish. This is just murder.” The editors then have fun with a montage oof the guests pulling faces as they try the dishto the strains of Weird Al Yankovic’s “Eat it”.
Stepdaughter suggests the calamari could be used as a scrunchie.
In the kitchen the couple tries to stay positive and moves on to dessert. Lauren is happy with how things are looking, but then they realise a Baba Blob is threatening to burst from their oven and eat them. The babas were overfilled, so she has to pick bits off half-cooked ones to stop them going all Elephant Man – and only then does she put an extra one in “for insurance”. Why not make a double batch to start with so you can pick the best ones?
At the table starving Dee, whose accent is slipping all over the place, has never heard of baba, and Hazel is amusing everyone with her Kath and Kim impersonation.
I’m not a fan of baba because of the wet texture and the rum flavour, but a good lemon custard could win me over.


But what do the judges think? Chew, chew … Rachel: “I think it looked beautiful. Custard … to me it was delicious.” Colin admires the aeration of the babas but says the custard needed more lemon zest. Rachel wanted more booze but perhaps that’s because she’s been listening to Dee all night.
And over to Dee: “Tastes like baby food… I would say it was a mediocre dessert,” she tells everyone.
Team scores: Dee and the Mute 3 “My stomach says zero” (I don’t need to attribute that – you know who said it); Step twins 6; Dad and Golfer 5; Dad Mates 4; Mr and Mrs Chops 3.
Total: 21/50. Carmine and Lauren are not happy and think it’s all down to strategy. “Up yours,” he says in his confessional. Their score seem fair given the main was inedible.
Judges: Entree Fass 6, Rachel 7; Main Fass 1, Rachel 1; Dessert Fass 7, Rachel 8.
Total: 51. (Mr and Mrs Chops got 59.)
And tomorrow night it’s up to Queensland to see if Dad and the Golfer can cook. Let’s hope so because it’s about time someone put up a decent meal. Come back, Zana – all is forgiven.

APOLOGIES TO ANYONE WHO’S BEEN HAVING TROUBLE WITH THE SITE TODAY. Someone fed the computer gremlins after midnight and they wreaked havoc. We should be back to normal in a day or so. Thanks.



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MKR – Mon, Feb 22

It’s Fassnidge time! Finally.

Time to make some TV money.
Time to make some TV money.

We’re in country Victoria at the newly built home of Eve and Jason, “Vic Soulmates”, and oh my lordy those mutton chops are hideous but she loves them – so, ok, they are perfectly suited. They are eco hippie tree changer types who believe in real food.
Looks like they live about an hour from the nearest Coles, so let’s hope they got everything on the list.

The Fassnidge is in the house! And bragging his team won last year. Who was that again? Oh, yeah, these Poms:

A distant memory.
A distant memory.

Hippies’ menu
Entree: Herb-crusted rainbow trout in fish broth (Colin notes he wants mellow hairbs).
Main: Mediterranean rolled leg of lamb with roast vegetables.
Dessert: Stout and chocolate pudding.

And, yes, finally someone who buys decent 70 per cent dark chocolate for their dessert – Zana, take note.
Back home they set up the restaurant “Bread and Brew” in a shed away from the house, so it could be tricky walking plates across the rocky ground from their new kitchen.
Eve gets on to the lamb but somewhat scarily announces she is not really familiar yet with her new, albeit lovely and huge oven.
They need stock for their sauce using lamb bones, which could be rather fatty, so this could come back to bite them.
The Soulmates (sounds jazzier than plain old Married, I guess) are painstakingly boning the trout.
Here come the other guests; more people for us to meet and forget. They are impressed with the home brew setup in the dining shed except one woman, Dee (the one in the cutesy dress with Peter Pan collar) who hates beer. I sympathise – not a fan myself.
We meet the other teams: Hazel and Lisa, stepmum and stepdaughter – not sure which is which. Hazel is the mum, I think. Their penchant for dressing alike is disturbing.

Spot the stepmum.
Spot the stepmum.

Mike and Bloke Whose Name I Didn’t Catch, but he’s a professional golfer, are father and son, from north of Cairns. Looks like they will be good at seafood.
Adelaide’s Carmine and Lauren are the Plus One and Zana of this round, but Carmine actually gets to speak: “If you’re Italian and you’re not a good cook, there’s something wrong.”

New Zana and Plus One 2.0
New Zana and Plus One 2.0

Turns out dads Chris and Cookie from Newcastle have known each other since they were sprogs.

Dads.
Dads.

Dee and the bespectacled Tim are from Sydney and are recently married, and you can tell they are on the show because she wanted to do it. She’s the new villain.
The Fassnidge rocks up and he has a surprise guest with him from the UK – what’s the bet the guests were thinking it was Jamie or Heston? But, as we at home have known for ages, it’s Rachel Khoo looking fabulous in her yellow-and-white striped dress. (To find out more about what she’s wearing, go to http://khoollect.com/lifestyle/rachel-khoos-australian-fashion-picks/)
Will the guests know who she is?

Hazel at least recognises the “amazeballs” Rachel – the seating plan is no accident, it seems.

Golfer’s name flashes on the screen and it’s Tarq – presumably short for Tarquin so no wonder he shortens it.

We know your name is really Tarquin.
We know your name is really Tarquin.

In the kitchen the Soulmates are taking the fish out of the oven and placing it in a bowl (how cute was that vintage-look crockery) of broth, topped with some crispy skin. Yum!

Chew time … Rachel likes the different textures but says the crust “smothered” the fish, which is slightly overcooked. Colin, who’s a big nose-to-tail man, applauds their clever use of the fish, the bones and the skin, but says the oat crumb sucked up some moisture from the fish and the use of rosemary was a bad call. Perhaps they didn’t have dill in their garden?
Still, they’ve done pretty well, being first up and cooking tricky rainbow trout.
Dee and new Zana are the most critical at the table but it’s the first night so everyone is still polite.

Back in the kitchen Hippie Chick checks on the lamb and it’s very overcooked. Well, she did say she was putting it on for three hours. They need a meat thermometer. So in addition to crimes against fashion and facial hair we have crimes against lamb. It’s hard to hate on them, though, when they seem so relatively normal and drama free. What are they doing on MKR? Oh yeah, this hair:

Sir, there's a Tribble climbing your neck.
Sir, there’s a Tribble climbing your neck.

At the table talk turns to how food evokes memories, and Cookie tears up a little because he is missing his kids … awwww. Colin has a chat with him and this is the sort of thing we miss in earlier rounds because Pete and Manu get whisked away between courses.
Poor Soulmates are stressed because their lamb is literally stuffed and now their roast veg isn’t cooking quickly enough in their untried oven. Finally they take their hearty serves to the table and Dee is right when she questions calling the dish Mediterranean. The veg is definitely old school Aussie. Must be some sundried tomato or olives in the stuffing.

Chew o’clock … the judges have been given the pinkest lamb. Rachel liked the generosity of the plating but wanted more stuffing and actual Mediterranean veg. Colin says they have good products but bad time management. He praises their sauce.
The guests agree the lamb was overcooked but they feel for the team. Dee is clear that she hated everything, especially parsnip. She said earlier she is Spanish, so maybe she’s never tried it before.
In the kitchen Hippie Dude is in charge of dessert and I’m worried because he keeps saying how well everything is going.
At least they do a taste test.
It looks very simple – maybe they should have done an ice cream with it.

Chew time … Colin is happy with the dark choc and ooze, but wanted more booze. Rachel likes the simplicity of the presentation but hers was a little under, yet still tasty.
Most people at the table enjoy it but new villain Dee finds it too rich. Luckily she instead enjoys correcting hubby on the use of cooking show terminology by telling him to say the cream “cuts through” the richness.

Dee will chop off hubby's man parts if he speaks too much.
Dee will chop off hubby’s man parts if he speaks too much.

The scores
Teams: Devious Dee and Hubby 5; Step Twins 4; Dad Mates 6; Father and Golfer 5; New Zana and Plus One 2.0 6. Some tough scorers in this group – the other rounds were much softer on the first-up cooks.

Judges: Entree Colin 5 (but he actually says quite nice things), Rachel 6; Main Colin 3, Rachel 4; Dessert Colin 7, Rachel 8 (and a good tip from her to chill the batter in the ramekins first).
Total: 59.

Next week it’s Carmine and Lauren and we get the teaser of Dee pulling faces and telling the camera “it’s murder … This dish belonged in the bin.” Ooh, drama, drama, drama.



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