MKR, Tues, Feb 16 – The Lovebirds

So, what do we think the missing ingredient is that we see Mr Nice dashing to the servo for?

JP and Nelly - The Lovebirds.
JP and Nelly – The Lovebirds.

And here’s the my recap: It’s Mr Nice and Little Miss Sunshine AKA JP and Nelly from Queensland. They work in marketing and tea ambassadorship – does that mean she sells tea?
Their mums are Polish and his dad is a retired French chef, so hopefully they’ve learnt some terrific European-style cooking.
First up on their shopping trip is a stop at the Silva [sic] Spoon at Cotton Tree, near Maroochydore, because the tea ambassador likes to cook with tea.
Entree is a traditional Polish pastry that’s loaded with butter, so they know Jess is going to loooove it. Not.
Again we’ve absolutely whipped through the shopping trip and are home to create a beachy vibe by throwing some sand around the dining room (this can’t be their house – no way would I do that at my place) and for a subtle close-up of the sponsor’s iced tea.

Their menu is: Entree: Potato and cheeses pierogi with bacon and sage sauce.
Main: Rib eye with celeriac mash and lapsang souchong barbecue sauce.
Dessert: Chai-infused creme brulee

They start working on the pierogi and dessert. An hour into the cook they are happy and confident and Nelly starts on some raspberry black tea ice cream to go with the creme brulee.
JP is working on the pierogi filling and is happy with the potato and cheese flavour yet. He’s doing a sauerkraut-style salad to give a bit of acid balance to the entree.
Uh oh – the guests are arriving and Jess’s white knee socks are back! This time paired with black platform sandals. Why do they dress her like an anime character?

Did she wear compression socks on the plane and forget to take them off?
Did she wear compression socks on the plane and forget to take them off?

JP and Nelly are tagged The Lovebirds, so we get lots of slow-mo, smoochies and soppy music. Urgh. Nelly is dancing with excitement and squealing as she greets her guests. In real life this could be sweet or really, really annoying.
The guests admire but I’m with Jess’s serial killer stare friend when he says: “We’re more coffee people.”
And here come the judges, with Manu in his tablecloth jacket stolen from the wardrobe of Matt Preston.

I'm going to take this jacket and sell it to Channel 7.
I’m going to take this jacket and sell it to Channel 7.
Pete, who can we sell this jacket to at Channel 9?
Pete, who can we sell this jacket to at Channel 9?

Looking at the menu the miners are intimidated, and Non-Man Bun worries he will soon be back working at the mine.
Jess, who has Polish heritage, explains to the others that pierogi is a kind of dumpling and says “everything about this entree speaks to me; never mind the calories. I’m just really excited for it.” The guests are shocked by her pro-carb stance.
The pierogi hold together in the water and The Lovebirds are happy.

Time for the judges to masticate, but first, an ad break to remind us 7Flix launches at the end of the month.
Back to Manu, who does a classic fakeout: “Let’s start with the negatives … there wasn’t enough.” Pete applauds their addition of the pickled cabbage: “That was a beautiful plate of food.”
The guests are loving the butter, cheese and potato but they are more excited by the fact Jessica cleaned her plate.
“I’m really impressed .. it was amazing,” she says. Is she being nicer now her instant restaurant is looming.
In the kitchen the couple are on to the mains and, to show how love up they are, Robin Thicke’s Blurred Lines (with lyrics Nothin’ like your last guy, he too square for you; He don’t smack that ass and pull your hair for you So I’m just watchin’ and waitin’; For you to salute the truly pimpin’; Not many women can refuse this pimpin’; I’m a nice guy, but don’t get confused, you git’n it!… yep, they’ve nailed JP and Nelly’s relationship with that choice of song).
The rib eyes are massive and everyone should be happy with the serving size. Mr Nice Guy makes a sauce to go with it using the tea.
Nelly is having trouble with the puree as the celeriac bits are lumpy, because they cooked it in a frypan. She swears – more than once – and the Snow White facade cracks. JP wants to roll with it because timing is critical for his steaks, which he correctly says are the stars. Just chuck the mash in the microwave, guys, cook it, then add more butter and cream – sorted.
JP tests one of his steaks and it is on the rare side, so he’s not happy. Nelly is chucking mini tanties over the mash, still. I’m surprised they sliced the steak -I thought they’d dish up the big slab.
Cue the chew:

Pete is sad it wasn’t served on the bone but it’s another fakeout as he still loved the mash, meat and sauce. Manu says they get away with the veg because it’s a mash, not a puree.
The Lovebirds are stunned and deliriously happy.
It’s back to the kitchen and time to play with the brulee torch. Uh oh – they’re out of gas! JP dashes off into the night. I’d be stuffed if this happened here on a weekend – SA shops shut at 5pm Saturday and Sundays. Looks like JP is in the same boat and he strikes out at the first servo.
Back home Nelly is freaking out and trying to scoop out rock hard ice cream into serving dishes. Manu pops in to the kitchen to watch her cry, gives her a comforting light punch on the arm and then tells her to think of a solution.

I'm contractually not allowed to hug you twice in one show, so here's a buck-up punch in the arm.
I’m contractually not allowed to hug you twice in one show, so here’s a buck-up punch in the arm.

Light bulb! She can make toffee and just put it on top. JP can stop driving round servos.
Back home the toffee shards look cool on top of the brulee, which is served on wooden boards shaped like a jigsaw puzzle.

The Italians are sad they don’t get to do the traditional brulee crack with the back of the spoon.
Chew time and Manu commends them on their solution and the flavour of the chai, but his brulee – and Pete’s – wasn’t cooked enough. The ice cream is a fail. “The flavour is not really pleasant,” Manu says.
Jess and Serial Killer both love the dessert and the other teams are suss about her turnaround. I think they’ll be surprised when they watch the show and see Jess was a higher scorer than average for most dishes throughout the competition.

Team scores: Sisters 7; Italians 8; Nev and missus 8; Jess and dude 7: Miners 8
Judges: Entree Pete 9, Manu 9; Main Pete 9, Manu 9; Dessert Pete 5, Manu 6.
Total: A very respectable 85.

And tomorrow night it’s Nev and missus (well, his brother’s former missus, it seems).

Plus, it might be worth recording Better Homes on Friday night because Hat and Sans Hat will be on to reveal how to make their amazing pasta.



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MKR Sun, Feb 14 – The Italians

I have high hopes for tonight after the letdown of the Miners.

Italian BFFs Sans Hat and Hat (Luciano and Martino – not sure which is which). One is a flight attendant, the other a former teacher who now works for a jewellery company – perhaps he and Jess can discuss the biz.

Here it is, finally:
And here we are at Season 7, episode 8 – it feels like it’s been much longer.
The Italian BFFs are cooking and I want to see them do well, but I also want to get the high drama Channel 7 has been flogging over and done with.
Luciano the flight attendant and Martino who works in the jewllery industry – so cryptic; is he an international jewel thief? Martino is not wearing his usual hat today, making it harder for me to tell them apart. They have an easy bickering manner that comes with being friends for a decade. Oh, it’s ok – once they hit Coles Martino is back in character as the hat wearer.
Their menu is in Italian – as it should be – and translates roughly as follows:
Entree: Fettucine with sausage and porcini mushrooms (yum)
Main: Osso bucco (veal stew) with risotto (yummo)
Dessert: Ricotta cheesecake (that’s a yum hat-trick because I know they won’t ruin it by putting something stupid like white chocolate in it)
Their restaurant decor is meant to evoke Italy in the 60s and the lads get emotional thinking about their mamas.
In the kitchen, Sans Hat is surprisingly making pasta with Coles flour (or maybe it’s just for dusting) while Hat gets on to their dessert, which was apparently invented by Italians two centuries ago. It’s going well, so cue impromptu round of “It’s Amore” and Hat is beside himself with joy at the aromas – so much so his BFF has to ask: “Are you cooking or are you making love to that dish?”
The shortcrust pastry looks love and buttery but turns out it’s TOO buttery and breaks when he tries to line the tin. Having a problem this early is usually a sign of victory.
The guests rock up and I’m not a fan of the matchy matchy outfits of the miners.

Your man bun looks nice, but when can we unbutton these shirts?
Your man bun looks nice, but when can we unbutton these shirts?

Yet again Jess is strangely dressed – her scarf is more Pink Ladies from Grease than 1960s Italy.

Altogether now: Look at me, I'm Miss Bitch-eeee.
Altogether now: Look at me, I’m Miss Bitch-eeee.

And again the editors remind us of her unhealthy relationship with food. “Deep-fried food scares me. I’m not joking; it makes me feel nervous.”

The Italians look lovely in their snappy shirts and, presumably, cashmere sweaters – but poor things must be hot cooking dressed like that, with the TV lights on them. They are so friendly and welcoming – wish I had a gay Italian uncle.

Hugs and kisses all round.
Hugs and kisses all round …
... except for you. Nev, because I'm not sure how you'd react to a bloke kissing you hello.
… except for you. Nev, because I’m not sure how you’d react to a bloke kissing you hello.

One Italian decides they need to up the stakes and add a coffee semifreddo to their dessert. I’m pro coffee-flavoured anything, but they’ll be pushing to get it frozen in time. However, they are smart to portion the mixture into small bowls so it will freeze more quickly. These guys know what they are doing.

The judges arrive and they are men of the world, so get the traditional triple kiss greeting. None of Pete’s tan rubs off in the process; perhaps he’s just been eating a lot of carrots.

It’s time to read the menu and, of course, Jess is scare by human food: “I normally don’t eat pasta.” But one of the sisters is salivating: “I love carbs; I’m so excited!” That’s the attitude you want on a cooking show – it’s not called My Deprivation Rules.

Jess is especially worried both entree and main have carbs, and yet she seems to be drinking white wine again rather than water – surely that’s 120 empty calories right there? However, she says she’ll give the pasta a go and will offset it with a run in the morning.

The pasta is done and man it looks so good I wish there was an app where I could press a button and have it delivered to my door.

Cue the chew and the Italians and stressed as, but Pete forgets he is a robot and makes bedroom eyes at Manu.

Paleo? What paleo?
Paleo? What’s paleo?

Pete: “Do you know how long I’ve been waiting for real Italian food on My Kitchen Rules?” (Sucked in, Nic and Rocco!) “Boys, you delivered … the first bite was heaven.” Manu agrees it’s the best pasta in the history of MKR, and the happy tears are flowing.

The guests are happy, too, and even Jess is damning in her praise of it being a worthwhile “cheat meal”, albeit the sausage is too salty for her taste.

It’s almost mains time and the girls are showing their Asian heritage by pronouncing it “ossko booss-ko”.
And now it’s time for the evening’s entertainment … Nev asks Jess what she would serve friends for dinner, given her eating habits. “I eat very healthy. I know that everyone else doesn’t eat very healthy and I’ll cater for everyone,” she replies in a manner that gets everyone’s back up. What does this mean? She prepares a salad and then adds a deep-fried chicken leg and some fries to it for visitors with more than 2 per cent body fat?
Awkward.
Nev’s parter is no annoyed she does a “talk to the hand” gesture.

You've upset me so much I'm gesticulating like it's 1995.
You’ve upset me so much I’m gesticulating like it’s 1995.

Manu says it’s okay to enjoy flavour and he balances his diet: “I go on run as well.” And in return, gets this look:
You so fat, Manu.
You so fat, Manu.

It appears she’s looking at his waistline, although it’s possible it’s the editing. Burn!
After the ad break it’s back to the kitchen … What, there’s a kitchen on this show? It’s not just about drama?
Uh oh – they don’t have enough sauce jugs so have to use china spoons that don’t hold as much liquid. And now, the biggest shock of the night: The boys are wearing gloves to plate up. Is this allowed on MKR?
My Hygiene Rules.
My Hygiene Rules.

It looks tasty but will they get in trouble for trying to be fancy by separating all the ingredients?


It’s chew time and the boys are worried about the scarcity of sauce. The meat falls apart and Manu happily sucks the marrow from the bone: “The flavours in this deesh are amazing.” But he reminds them to serve it in a traditional manner – one big bowl – so the meat can swim in sauce. Pete agrees the meat was a little dry without the saucy perfection. The risotto was perfect: “Fellas, just cook how you normally cook.”
It’s dessert time and the boys are second guessing their decision to add the semifreddo, because Nonna wouldn’t do it. But then they decided it IS Italian after all to have espresso after a meal, so it will work.
At the table, Jess is worried the dessert could have icing sugar on it (cut to the cheesecake being adorned with a snowstorm of icing sugar) and it gets the guests’ hackles up. We’re reminded again she doesn’t eat chocolate (cut to boys making choccy sauce).


The judges go the chew … The boys are worried the flavours clash but all is well.
Pete: “I think you finished as strong as you started.” Manu is impressed by their use of candied fruit and he’s never eaten this type of cheesecake before. Hooray for the Italians!
The guests are delighted except New Villain (Zana who?), who rudely removes the chocolate from her dish. She doesn’t even try it first, which is discourteous. And then she scrapes off the icing sugar. It’s a food autopsy.
Nellie (the Nice Girl) questions whether she will score them fairly, given her dislikes. But it’s ok; Jess hates all desserts equally.
Non-Man Bun Miner calls her on her attitude and she gets feisty, saying he’s not listening to her.
“I’m listening and I’m not liking any of it,” he replies. “And I really hope that your food tastes better than your attitude.”
Jess wants to stab him with a fork and the other guests secretly applaud Miner No. 1.
And then it’s all over because it happened while Pete and Manu were off camera and couldn’t stir the pot further.
Now for the scoring.

Jess and Whatisface 9; Nev and Mrs Nev 8: Miners 8; Nice couple 8; Sisters 8. T0tal: 41/50 To Jess’s credit she is scoring fairly and the others are being a bit strategic, because they know the judges will mark the boys highly. The Italians are pleased anyway.
Entree: Pete 10 (cue round of applause), Manu (more clapping); Main Pete 8, Manu 7 (ooh – harsh, Manu, given you loved everything but the scarcity of sauce); Dessert Pete 10, Manu 9 (due to wanting thinner pastry).
That’s it. Total: 95.
Tonight the sisters serve up a Balinese feast and it looks like the chilli factor could be troublesome.



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MKR Wed, Feb 10 – the new teams

Well, here we go with a batch of fresh faces with names I can’t be bothered learning. First up are the miner mates, and I think we’ll just call them Man Bun and The Other One. They live in Mackay and look like they are enjoying their bromance, working hard and playing hard. They want to open up a bar and grill, so hopefully they have been saving their mining pennies.

Man bun alert.
Man bun alert.

Entree is crab miang. What? Where’s Curly Sue when you need her. Dr Google says it’s a Thai or Lao snack, wrapped in a leaf. Looks kinda san choy bao-ish.
In Coles they buy some packaged duck, then ask a staff member if they buy a whole duck, will he carve some breasts off for them. They must know this guy, because the meat at Coles and Woolies here often looks like it was carved with a drunk wielding a chainsaw.
The boys can’t find the canned lychees for their curry (Don’t fresh lychees not grow up north? Am I making assumptions just because it’s Queensland?). A staff member offers to help them, just t remind you it’s a TV show and not real life.
I like that they are serving it with cauliflower rice for something different – I wonder if they are paleo advocates? Pete will be happy not to be eating white rice.
Dessert is lava cake and it sounds pretty much like a chocolate fondant, so why ruin it with white chocolate sauce? Contrast it with some sharp fruit flavours instead, boys, or there will be sugar overload. At least we can be sure they won’t pull a Zana and use the Cadbury’s. It’s a tricksy dessert to pull off. I would have just called it chocolate cake, and then if the ooze worked, call it a fondant.
Entree: Miang of crab, coconut, mint and citrus
Main: Roast Duck with lychee red curry and cauliflower rice
Dessert: Chocolate lava cakes with white chocolate sauce
Back home the lads set up their industrial-themed restaurant on the back deck and it’s all corrugated iron, hessian and dead branches.
Uh oh – they’ve eaten an hour into their cooking time. Luckily Asian is a quick cook once you get the prep done, although prepping the crabs will take a while.
Man Bun is in charge of the mortar and pestle and says: “I think I’m going to freestyle this curry paste.”

Now the guests arrive and we meet Jessica, our new villainess, wearing what appears to be strappy pink sandals with thigh-high socks …. in Queensland. What is the stylish thinking! What is Jessica thinking!

Sorry for the dreadful pic. MKR has yet to upload the episode to yahoo. Actually, the outfit looks better blurry.
Sorry for the dreadful pic. MKR has yet to upload the episode to yahoo. Actually, the outfit looks better blurry.

The guests approve of the decor. The Sisters think the Miners look more like hipsters, and they’re spot on – hipsters who work out a lot and drive big cars instead of riding bespoke bicycles.
We meet the other couples. The Italian mates quibble over who is the more Italiano and apparently are not a couple. Nev and Kell are the Tradie and Cleaner (what, no snappy name for them, MKR? Just call them The Aussies, already) ARE a couple. Nev wants to serve something that’s “the duck’s nuts”. Next are the Lovebirds who are all cutesy wootsie and sweet as pie – I’m still waiting to see if the girl one blinks because it looks like she may not. One of the Sisters likens them to a Disney couple.
Now it’s time for the geography game to see what everyone’s heritage is. Two Italians, a Croats, an Argentinean, Polish and Indonesian (the Sisters – hopefully we’ll get some terrific spicy food).
Jessica and Marcos are the mates from Melbourne who are fitness fanatics and were self-proclaimed “popular kids” at school. Yes, the producers definitely want us to hate them.
Jess: “I’m good at everything I do, because I’m an achiever.”
She eats to fuel her body and that means no fried food or chocolate.
The judges arrive and the Miner boys are all smiley and nervous and the other guests are excited, but no-one is hyperventilating like in group one.
Jess points out the dessert does not fit with the Asian vibe of the entree and main and she’s right, but she loses her fellow guests’ respect by saying she doesn’t like chocolate. She makes a few clipped comment and Pete enjoys baiting her.
In the kitchen, the boys are plating their miang, and it’s definitely not the traditional bite sized snack. Nor is it tp be wrapped in a leaf and eaten. The Other One is worried there is too much heat in the dressing so he doesn’t put much on. Yes, because a dry salad has never been a problem on MKR before.

At the table Jess notes the oranges have not been segmented, which is something you wouldn’t bother with for your mates but is a cheffy thing you should be doing to impress the judges. Her manner is abrupt but she’s making good points – it’s just that the first instant restaurant is not the most tactful place to do it. Would this salad usually be served with green papaya or similar rather than citrus?


Chew time … Pete says they didn’t deliver and wonders where the dressing went. Manu says they had orange overload but needed to balance their ingredients more, with more crab.
The boys look like sad puppies, especially when they get back to the kitchen and see their huge amount of leftover dressing.
Nev gets a few bits of shell but talks the boys up for having a go. The Sisters agree the crab was done well but more spice and sourness was needed. Manu enjoys telling Jess the white of an orange is called a pith.
It’s on to mains and now I’m wondering why the boys are using duck breast for their curry instead of legs on the bone, which have more flavour. They try their curry and are worried there is not enough of a kick, so add more chilli.
At the table Italian Sans Hat is not a fan of sweet with savoury (not coming round to my place for apricot chicken, then), but the Sisters know red curry duck with lychees is a classic dish.
And then Jess admits “I don’t really eat rice … I don’t eat many carbs”. No surprise, really, but again, this is a cooking show. And then the big proclamation: “I don’t allow myself to be addicted to anything other than exercise and healthy living.” (I do note she seemed to be drinking white wine before). Aww, don’t you just love her already? Zana, please hand over your MKR’s Next Top Villain sash to Jess.
However, she says she will try anything unless it looks like it is going to make her sick. Hmm, how would she have fared at Cougar’s table?
Jess has never eaten duck before and she may not get a chance tonight, as the boys look to be overcooking the duck. Why didn’t they crisp the skin first? Are they going to pour curry sauce over that crispy skin? Oh no, it’s a duck curry with the duck on the side. And a sprinkle of coriander for green – not even a stalk of bok choy to lift it. You are going to be crucified, lads.
Before it’s even chew time Pete looks underwhelmed and rightly so.


Manu is feeling that extra raw chilli burn in his throat and notes they look stressed. He thinks they’ve done well with the cooking of the duck. It’s not an awesome curry but it’s ok. Pete wants the skin crispier and says they nailed the cauli rice. It’s not hard Pete – you just grate cauli and chuck it in the microwave to steam.
Ok, I’m wrong, the curry was well received so good on you, boys.
Now it’s chocolate time and Manu pops in to offer advice/turn the screws. Uh oh – I’m seeing Cadbury Melts on the bench. What do these people have against fancy cooking chocolate?
The boys make some honeycomb to go with their lava cake, which they claim is technical but isn’t. I hope they are serving cream or something to cut through all this sweetness.
Is Italian Sans Hat flirting with Manu? Pete looks jealous.
The other guests find Jess’s anti-chocolate stance totes awks, but she says she will give it a go. How courageous.
The lava cake tester obliges by oozing, but they are faffing around while the other cakes continue to cook in the hot ramekins.


Pete digs the spoon in and gets lava but Manu’s is moist – not molten. Pete likes the cake but says the whole dish is overly sweet (yay, I was right with one prediction at least). Jess is not going to like this. The guests get mixed levels of ooze and find it too sweet. Jess has chopped her cake into bits in search of a protein bar and come up empty handed: “If this was a restaurant in the real world I wouldn’t have stayed after the entree, to be honest.”
Hatted Italiano is being, well, Italian in his disappointment at the lacking lava: “I was thinking about a dramatic event …Pompeii .. people running from a … natural disaster. But what I taste was only the ashes.”
The announced makes yet another mining-themed pun which I shall ignore and it’s on to the scores.
Lovebirds 5; Italians 5; Jess and That Guy 5; Aussies 4; Sisters 6. (All fair scores, especially since Nev got several pieces of shell in his meal). Total 25/50. The boy are gutted but trying not to show it.
Judges: Entree Pete 4, Manu 5; Main Pete 8, Manu 8; Dessert Pete 6, Manu 4.
Total: 60. Probably a bit higher than they deserved, but they were the first ones out of the blocks so deserve a little leeway.

That’s it for MKR this week. Up on Sunday are the NSW Italianos and the gents look fab in their colourful ties and jumpers. The stylist is razing the barn on Jordan’s wardrobe. And we know they get at least one good score because Pete and Manu are raving over their pasta. But enough of celebrating excellent cooking, in MKR land it’s all about the drama and our new villianess is stirring the pot. Again, she’s strangely dressed. While the stylists went heavy on Zana’s makeup at least they always gave her nice outfits to wear. It’s implied she has a dig at Manu for unhealthy eating habits, but we’ll have to wait and see the context. One of the miners (the non-man bun one) calls her on her attitude so it will be one awkward dinner party.

More to come.



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