I was going to do a live recap (SA time) of tonight’s Cougar Town episode but I had to poke my eyes out after that glimpse of slinky nightie cleavage in the first minute. I’ll resume recapping when I’m able.
In the meantime, comment away!
Okay, I found some prosthetic eyes and am ploughing on …
The preview made this episode look like a trainwreck and, while MKR has been known to misdirect us, it’s looking like the truth from the get go. I really don’t need to see people, regardless of their age, calling each other “sexy bum” in a 7.30pm time slot. Cheryl and Matt seem to be lapping up the Cougar and Cub tags and are equally icky towards each other.
The menu is revealed and it’s retro a go go because Cheryl is like, you know, old. Well she’s not, really, and she’s a well-groomed lady, but in TV land lady years she’s practically dead.
Entree: Chicken caesar salad
Main: Grilled swordfish with pea puree and tarragon sauce
Dessert: Chocolate seduction pudding with poached pears and cinnamon ice cream
They decorate their restaurant by exploding a rainbow and hiding a few whoopee cushions. I can’t wait to see Pete’s face if they put one on his.
Her ice cream is made from condensed milk, which is a very 70s thing to do. And she bought a tonne of brown sugar. It is going to be soo sweet. I’m predicting this is the one Pete says he can only have one spoonful of.
Matt (the Cub) says the menu is “bold”. Take the “b” off the front and he’s right.
Danger, danger – they are making the caesar salad croutons with bought bread and, umm .. chilli? In a caeser.
Oh lord, the sauce has fresh tarragon, dried tarragon and cornflour!
This is hot on the heels of a team that smoked venison, used wild boar and tempered their own chocolate.
And yet they are going to the effort of shelling their own peas, which for a puree is a waste of time given they are under the pump – it’s not like they are being eaten fresh in salad.
OK, have to polish my artificial eyeballs … rest of recap to follow soon.
And we’re back …
Instead of breaking the ice the guests are breaking the wind but they seem to be loving it, especially Jordan, who wants to be Cheryl’s new gay BFF.
Back in the kitchen and the bacon is both burnt and underdone but that’s cool because Matt wanted different textures and Cheryl’s spin is that it gives people a choice. She’s great at faking confidence and positivity. Is she a realtor?
Matt gives the croutons a bath in a litre of oil.
Zana can’t wink for fear her eyelash glue will set while her eyes are shut.
The judges arrive and, sadly, there are no exploding bum noises – that must come after the meal.
The record menus look cool and when Cougar explains the dessert is designed to lure men Manu tries extremely hard to keep a straight face.
Matt is in charge of cooking the chicken and fails miserably. He’s been taking cues from MasterChef contestants. Luckily Cougar realises it’s raw before the guests get salmonella.
The guests are pondering what the salad twist will be but our villainess Zana is freaking out because she does not eat lettuce that has not been grown in Cloud Cuckoo Land, in case it has dirt on it. Why would a germaphobic go on a cooking show?
The poached eggs look good but there is no sign of the lettuce being washed (unless it happened off camera). Is a producer on standby to gently place a speck of dirt on Zana’s plate?
“Make sure that they’re odd, babe,” Cougar warns as Cub plates up. This actually means “make the plates look like a dog’s breakfast”. My local supermarket presents its packaged salad better than this and they only charge seven bucks. Cougar Town garnish with fresh rosemary, which is pretty much inedible. It is a lot of food for an entree.
Here is the famous #caesarsalad what do you think? #CougarandCub #MKR pic.twitter.com/KUozomC2I3
— #MKR (@mykitchenrules) February 3, 2016
Plus One is being kind when he says “presentation is lacking”.
The judges go in for the prolonged chew …
MORE RECAP TO COME … STAY TUNED
Pete goes in for the kill: “It didn’t look attractive. Was it pleasant to eat? Not really … The dressing … It’s thin? It’s got a very strange taste to it.” The bacon isn’t crispy, chicken dry and the chilli croutons are a miss. “If I got served that a restaurant I would never go back.” Cougar Town are devo and the other teams find it totes awks.
Zana can’t bring herself to taste it but Curly Wurly Laura puts on a brave face and talks it up.
Onwards and upwards to mains. Plus One gets to speak again. What – that’s twice in one episode! His wife tells a hilarious story about a teacher saying she should pursue a career as a dictator. Paige is loving peppering her with questions, baiting her.
Cougar says the swordfish is perfectly cooked, which is the kiss of death. Plating is much better than the entree and the puree looks vibrant, but they need to flick off the fresh tarragon.
Liking the look of the main? #CougarandCub #MKR pic.twitter.com/kRUEAfpZnb
— #MKR (@mykitchenrules) February 3, 2016
We cut from the masticating Manu and Pete to a promo for the SA girls’ instant restaurant and the food looks divine. Go you good things! Back in the dining room and Manu says the overcooked fish is like tinned tuna. He likes the carrots, even with skin, but there is dirt visible on them. (Zana is having a panic attack out of shot). The sauce is too sharp and the puree has not been seasoned. Rookie mistakes abound. So now we know they were definitely cast for entertainment value, much like the Captain and whatserface last year. Pete makes them feel a little better by saying his fish was perfect but it’s downhill from there.
Zana does not like hair in her carrots, only in her face. Paige is on fire: “You know when you have a sandwich at the beach and a bit of sand got in it …”
They haven’t started poaching their pears yet – dessert is going to take forever, or they’ll serve them undercooked (another MasterChef motif). Most of the other teams are rooting for the Cougars to stage a comeback but it’s looking unlikely.
BEAR WITH ME; BACK IN A TICK
At least their ice cream is frozen. “It’s not meant to have a strong flavour,” Cheryl says as she gives him a taste of pear. So, it’s bland, then. The caramel is smudging their balloon glasses and I feel for her at this stage, because she knows she’s on a losing streak but is putting on a brave face for the camera.
Is dessert seducing you? #CougarandCub #MKR pic.twitter.com/8BcRUugM3b
— #MKR (@mykitchenrules) February 3, 2016
Cue the chew … Manu says it tastes like cinnamon, not chocolate but Pete can’t hide his disdain when he says: “I’m trying to find something I like about this and there’s nothing.” Ouch! Manu slams the faux ice cream and flavourless pears: “As a dessert as a whore, deez appointing.” Cheryl looks mortified.
Guest scores: Mum and son 3; SA girls 3; Zana and Plus One 3; Cops 4; Curlies 4. Generous, really. They made the cops look like Michelin chefs. Total 17/50.
Judges: Entree Pete 3, Manu 4; Main Pete 3, Manu 2; Dessert Pete 1, Manu 1. Grand total 31.
Is that lower than anything we saw last year? Cougar takes the criticism gracefully.
Oh, so Sunday’s episode is actually Mum and Son and it looks like they serve a delicious main. Thank god – people who can cook!