MKR – Sun, Feb 21

Tonight’s the night we find out if Villain Jess and He of the Serial Killer stare, Marcos, can walk the talk.
Of course, we start with footage of them working out, then it’s a rehash of some of their most villainous quotes. after a week of seeing them on TV it’s only now we learn she works in OH&S for the construction industry (is she like Safety Cam on The Block?) and he’s an amateur boxer (does that mean he is unemployed?).
They “mates from Melbourne” have chosen to do a vegetarian menu, and it’s a gutsy move as it’s certainly easier to create crowd-pleasing, punchier flavours using meat.
Their menu is:
Entree: Herb and zucchini fritters with fennel flat bread and yoghurt sauce (sounds very simple).
Main: Stained Glass Lasagne with Mushroom Ragu (yum!)
Dessert: Spiced carrot and pineapple cake with carrot and ginger jelly (not sure about the jelly component).
In Coles, Jess is buying canned pineapple for the cake and is careful to buy one that does not have added sugar. However, she has no qualms about purchasing a brand that comes from Thailand, rather than Aussie grown.

Shopping in Coles is fun. Hang on, why are we in the medicine aisle?
Shopping in Coles is fun. Hang on, why are we in the medicine aisle?

All of a sudden Jess is about food being a balance of naughty and nice – this from the woman who cut out easting chocolate because she loved it too much…
Back home and they are setting up the restaurant in their cooking time, so we know they’ll be running late al night.
Their restaurant, The Upper Cut, is a 1920s boxing theme. Who comes up with this stuff?
Finally they are in the kitchen with only 1 hour 46 minutes to go.
Jess gets started on the cakes: “I’ve made this recipe so many times I am just going to freeball it.” They are talking up how the cake uses the pineapple’s natural sweetness, but then Jess adds at least one cup of brown sugar. Umm, just because it’s brown, Jess, it doesn’t make it healthy.
Marcos is sous chef tonight and he’s moving too slowly on the mushrooms for Jess’s taste. Luckily, as he says: “I like taking orders.”
I’m surprised they made they mushroom sauce so tomatoey – I was picturing a mushroom and goat’s curd-type deal.
They get changed (and, yes, Jess is wearing a weird blingy playsuit that just covers her boobs – hopefully no-one glances sideways when she’s leaning over to put a dish on the table) and when they return one of the cakes looks overdone. Only now is Jess making pasta dough and it looks like a small quantity.
But where are the knee socks?
But where are the knee socks?

j closeup
The guests arrive and are awkwardly greeted. In the kitchen Marcos has not left the food processor all night – he’s done carrots, mushrooms and now zucchini. Pete and Manu arrive to what sounds like Jet’s Cold Hard Bitch – are you trying to tell us something, editors?
The teams check out the menu and quickly pick up on the oil and carbs being used – and the lack of protein.
In the kitchen they are just starting to make their fritters and Jess comments they don’t want them to be too salty. Uh oh, here comes another underseasoned dish. The producers send Pete into the kitchen to try and rattle them and he gets to hear Jess tell him the entree came to her in a dream. He ripostes with: “Do you think it’s going to be a dream or a nightmare for the guests out there?” One point to Pete.
The fritters look tasty but it’s definitely two dishes crammed on one plate. And no garnish of fresh herbs or salsa.


Time to watch the judges masticate …
Pete must have been hoping for some yummy healthy food that’s right up his alley. “It’s halfway there .. sort of.” The fritters lack flavour, while the sauce is terrific. Manu points out the fritter and bread together don’t make sense.
The guests are underwhelmed and Nev and Kell are happy they are in with a chance.
In the kitchen they haven’t started on the jelly yet. That’s going to take forever to set, even in a thin sheet.
They are making the stained glass pasta – layering flat-leaf parsley between the sheets for effect – and the lasagne looks lovely and thin. (I appreciate their use of a container of gelatine powder as a measuring tool, since I bought that exact purple container of gelatine four hours ago.) However, in the dining room it’s been 90 minutes since entree and the guests are getting antsy. Where do Pete and Manu go between courses? Do they have ritzy trailers out in the street where Manu can watch soccer and Pete can meditate?
The pasta is finally served and the guests mistake the mushroom duxelle for beef and get excited.


Chew time … Pete likes the stained glass effect and that it’s meat free but, says the tomatoes are too strong. Manu is not happy that the mushrooms have been minced to mimic meat rather than sliced. Jess opines the whole point is to trick the senses, but Manu does not look impressed. Again the dish is underseasoned.
The Italians give props for the texture of lasagne sheets but apparently Jess has served them a severed horse’s head as well, because they are brutal about the flavour.
In the kitchen Jess wisely slices the burnt crust off the cake but she and Marcos are fighting about the amount of icing sugar to put in the icing. Marcos knows they will get bagged out if their dessert is not sweet.
After a wait of 2 hours and 15 mins they serve dessert. Don’t know why it took so long – perhaps some of the dessert making we were shown earlier didn’t actually occur til later.

Time to chews … Manu is missimg the spice of the cake … and the pineapple … and the sugar. “Sigh” pretty much sums up his comments. Pete also thinks it’s not sweet enough, so you know it must have been really bland.
If they wanted a dessert that wasn’t too sweet, why not
Credit to Nev, who’s on the chopping block – he’s a big fan of the jelly. And the Italians appreciate the moistness of the cake.
Scores: Argh, I’ve typed out this: Sisters ; Miners ; Nev and Kell ; Lovebirds; Italians … but of course we have to go to kitchen HQ to get the scores as it’s the last cook of the round.
Judges: Entree Pete 4, Manu 4; Main Pete 7, Manu 7; Dessert Pete 3, Manu 2.
Guest score: 11/50. Ouch! That means four 2s and one 3.
For a total of 38. Jess and Marcos remain stoic but you can tell they are upset.

And here comes Group 1 again, just when we’d forgotten them, and in strides Colin like a rock star and the girls are even more excited than when they met Manu.

The Fassnidge Effect.
The Fassnidge Effect.

Colin makes the shocking announcement there is a whole other group of cooks. Erm, isn’t this the EXACT SAME TWIST as last year? New villains Lauren and Dee are introduced. Could Channel 7 not at least rustle up a bitchy gay guy to provide some snide comments this season?
Anyway, it will be good to see what Rachel Khoo makes of it all, and if she has a new show coming to Channel 7, as currently she’s on SBS.



Facebooktwitterredditmail

MKR fashion – hits and misses

Notable outfits of MKR 2016 … Let me know if I’ve missed any.

Teenage hooker outfit - what were the stylists thinking?
Teenage hooker outfit – what were the stylists thinking?

jess 1 blurbehind

Altogether now: Look at me, I'm Miss Bitch-eeee.
Altogether now: Look at me, I’m Miss Bitch-eeee.
I thought this was a dress at first, but it's some kind of shorts/ sleeveless coat combo.
I thought this was a dress at first, but it’s some kind of shorts/ sleeveless coat combo.
They're back!
They’re back!
Your man bun looks nice, but when can we unbutton these shirts?
Your man bun looks nice, but when can we unbutton these shirts?
Flamingo boy!
Flamingo boy!
Breakfast is served.
Breakfast is served.
So pretty in their cashmere cardies.
So pretty in their cashmere cardies.
I'm contractually not allowed to hug you twice in one show, so here's a buck-up punch in the arm.
Who wore it best?
I'm going to take this jacket and sell it to Channel 7.
I did.


Facebooktwitterredditmail

MKR Wed, Feb 10 – the new teams

Well, here we go with a batch of fresh faces with names I can’t be bothered learning. First up are the miner mates, and I think we’ll just call them Man Bun and The Other One. They live in Mackay and look like they are enjoying their bromance, working hard and playing hard. They want to open up a bar and grill, so hopefully they have been saving their mining pennies.

Man bun alert.
Man bun alert.

Entree is crab miang. What? Where’s Curly Sue when you need her. Dr Google says it’s a Thai or Lao snack, wrapped in a leaf. Looks kinda san choy bao-ish.
In Coles they buy some packaged duck, then ask a staff member if they buy a whole duck, will he carve some breasts off for them. They must know this guy, because the meat at Coles and Woolies here often looks like it was carved with a drunk wielding a chainsaw.
The boys can’t find the canned lychees for their curry (Don’t fresh lychees not grow up north? Am I making assumptions just because it’s Queensland?). A staff member offers to help them, just t remind you it’s a TV show and not real life.
I like that they are serving it with cauliflower rice for something different – I wonder if they are paleo advocates? Pete will be happy not to be eating white rice.
Dessert is lava cake and it sounds pretty much like a chocolate fondant, so why ruin it with white chocolate sauce? Contrast it with some sharp fruit flavours instead, boys, or there will be sugar overload. At least we can be sure they won’t pull a Zana and use the Cadbury’s. It’s a tricksy dessert to pull off. I would have just called it chocolate cake, and then if the ooze worked, call it a fondant.
Entree: Miang of crab, coconut, mint and citrus
Main: Roast Duck with lychee red curry and cauliflower rice
Dessert: Chocolate lava cakes with white chocolate sauce
Back home the lads set up their industrial-themed restaurant on the back deck and it’s all corrugated iron, hessian and dead branches.
Uh oh – they’ve eaten an hour into their cooking time. Luckily Asian is a quick cook once you get the prep done, although prepping the crabs will take a while.
Man Bun is in charge of the mortar and pestle and says: “I think I’m going to freestyle this curry paste.”

Now the guests arrive and we meet Jessica, our new villainess, wearing what appears to be strappy pink sandals with thigh-high socks …. in Queensland. What is the stylish thinking! What is Jessica thinking!

Sorry for the dreadful pic. MKR has yet to upload the episode to yahoo. Actually, the outfit looks better blurry.
Sorry for the dreadful pic. MKR has yet to upload the episode to yahoo. Actually, the outfit looks better blurry.

The guests approve of the decor. The Sisters think the Miners look more like hipsters, and they’re spot on – hipsters who work out a lot and drive big cars instead of riding bespoke bicycles.
We meet the other couples. The Italian mates quibble over who is the more Italiano and apparently are not a couple. Nev and Kell are the Tradie and Cleaner (what, no snappy name for them, MKR? Just call them The Aussies, already) ARE a couple. Nev wants to serve something that’s “the duck’s nuts”. Next are the Lovebirds who are all cutesy wootsie and sweet as pie – I’m still waiting to see if the girl one blinks because it looks like she may not. One of the Sisters likens them to a Disney couple.
Now it’s time for the geography game to see what everyone’s heritage is. Two Italians, a Croats, an Argentinean, Polish and Indonesian (the Sisters – hopefully we’ll get some terrific spicy food).
Jessica and Marcos are the mates from Melbourne who are fitness fanatics and were self-proclaimed “popular kids” at school. Yes, the producers definitely want us to hate them.
Jess: “I’m good at everything I do, because I’m an achiever.”
She eats to fuel her body and that means no fried food or chocolate.
The judges arrive and the Miner boys are all smiley and nervous and the other guests are excited, but no-one is hyperventilating like in group one.
Jess points out the dessert does not fit with the Asian vibe of the entree and main and she’s right, but she loses her fellow guests’ respect by saying she doesn’t like chocolate. She makes a few clipped comment and Pete enjoys baiting her.
In the kitchen, the boys are plating their miang, and it’s definitely not the traditional bite sized snack. Nor is it tp be wrapped in a leaf and eaten. The Other One is worried there is too much heat in the dressing so he doesn’t put much on. Yes, because a dry salad has never been a problem on MKR before.

At the table Jess notes the oranges have not been segmented, which is something you wouldn’t bother with for your mates but is a cheffy thing you should be doing to impress the judges. Her manner is abrupt but she’s making good points – it’s just that the first instant restaurant is not the most tactful place to do it. Would this salad usually be served with green papaya or similar rather than citrus?


Chew time … Pete says they didn’t deliver and wonders where the dressing went. Manu says they had orange overload but needed to balance their ingredients more, with more crab.
The boys look like sad puppies, especially when they get back to the kitchen and see their huge amount of leftover dressing.
Nev gets a few bits of shell but talks the boys up for having a go. The Sisters agree the crab was done well but more spice and sourness was needed. Manu enjoys telling Jess the white of an orange is called a pith.
It’s on to mains and now I’m wondering why the boys are using duck breast for their curry instead of legs on the bone, which have more flavour. They try their curry and are worried there is not enough of a kick, so add more chilli.
At the table Italian Sans Hat is not a fan of sweet with savoury (not coming round to my place for apricot chicken, then), but the Sisters know red curry duck with lychees is a classic dish.
And then Jess admits “I don’t really eat rice … I don’t eat many carbs”. No surprise, really, but again, this is a cooking show. And then the big proclamation: “I don’t allow myself to be addicted to anything other than exercise and healthy living.” (I do note she seemed to be drinking white wine before). Aww, don’t you just love her already? Zana, please hand over your MKR’s Next Top Villain sash to Jess.
However, she says she will try anything unless it looks like it is going to make her sick. Hmm, how would she have fared at Cougar’s table?
Jess has never eaten duck before and she may not get a chance tonight, as the boys look to be overcooking the duck. Why didn’t they crisp the skin first? Are they going to pour curry sauce over that crispy skin? Oh no, it’s a duck curry with the duck on the side. And a sprinkle of coriander for green – not even a stalk of bok choy to lift it. You are going to be crucified, lads.
Before it’s even chew time Pete looks underwhelmed and rightly so.


Manu is feeling that extra raw chilli burn in his throat and notes they look stressed. He thinks they’ve done well with the cooking of the duck. It’s not an awesome curry but it’s ok. Pete wants the skin crispier and says they nailed the cauli rice. It’s not hard Pete – you just grate cauli and chuck it in the microwave to steam.
Ok, I’m wrong, the curry was well received so good on you, boys.
Now it’s chocolate time and Manu pops in to offer advice/turn the screws. Uh oh – I’m seeing Cadbury Melts on the bench. What do these people have against fancy cooking chocolate?
The boys make some honeycomb to go with their lava cake, which they claim is technical but isn’t. I hope they are serving cream or something to cut through all this sweetness.
Is Italian Sans Hat flirting with Manu? Pete looks jealous.
The other guests find Jess’s anti-chocolate stance totes awks, but she says she will give it a go. How courageous.
The lava cake tester obliges by oozing, but they are faffing around while the other cakes continue to cook in the hot ramekins.


Pete digs the spoon in and gets lava but Manu’s is moist – not molten. Pete likes the cake but says the whole dish is overly sweet (yay, I was right with one prediction at least). Jess is not going to like this. The guests get mixed levels of ooze and find it too sweet. Jess has chopped her cake into bits in search of a protein bar and come up empty handed: “If this was a restaurant in the real world I wouldn’t have stayed after the entree, to be honest.”
Hatted Italiano is being, well, Italian in his disappointment at the lacking lava: “I was thinking about a dramatic event …Pompeii .. people running from a … natural disaster. But what I taste was only the ashes.”
The announced makes yet another mining-themed pun which I shall ignore and it’s on to the scores.
Lovebirds 5; Italians 5; Jess and That Guy 5; Aussies 4; Sisters 6. (All fair scores, especially since Nev got several pieces of shell in his meal). Total 25/50. The boy are gutted but trying not to show it.
Judges: Entree Pete 4, Manu 5; Main Pete 8, Manu 8; Dessert Pete 6, Manu 4.
Total: 60. Probably a bit higher than they deserved, but they were the first ones out of the blocks so deserve a little leeway.

That’s it for MKR this week. Up on Sunday are the NSW Italianos and the gents look fab in their colourful ties and jumpers. The stylist is razing the barn on Jordan’s wardrobe. And we know they get at least one good score because Pete and Manu are raving over their pasta. But enough of celebrating excellent cooking, in MKR land it’s all about the drama and our new villianess is stirring the pot. Again, she’s strangely dressed. While the stylists went heavy on Zana’s makeup at least they always gave her nice outfits to wear. It’s implied she has a dig at Manu for unhealthy eating habits, but we’ll have to wait and see the context. One of the miners (the non-man bun one) calls her on her attitude so it will be one awkward dinner party.

More to come.



Facebooktwitterredditmail