Tag: Farmer Lance

Farmer a Wants a Wife – Mar 14

It’s the end of the road for what’s been a pretty flat season of FWAW. Might be time to give it a year off and ponder casting options.
Guest recapper Daisy will give those of us who were watching MKR instead the lowdown once the show airs in WA (thank you!). In the meantime, here are some non-spoilerish tweets.

We have already arrived at the finale. Have the producers fast forwarded the show this year? In previous years, I seem to recall, city visits took up a whole episode. Anyhow, after 10 days farmstay, the farmers each farewell their girls and then take some time alone to consider their verdict (if that rings a bell, you are as old as I am). Remote Pilbarra “Chopper Charmer” (not sure which choppers they mean) is putting on a brave face, and once again, he chokes up with emotion. Julz is rapt in Melanie, so that’s a done deal, although, according to Alex, he is punching above his weight.

Now it’s reunion day and we are back at the big house in the Hunter Valley. It’s one whole month since the the end of the farmstays. The farmers all rock up, and wardrobe  and make-up have them all looking pretty sharp. Everyone’s hair has been cut and styled, all teeth have been whitened. The farmers are all smiles and everyone is saying what a positive and amazing experience it has been. No one has any regrets. At least that’s what the cue cards said. Smiling face with open mouth and tightly-closed eyes

Time for the Love Seat grilling and Julz is the first cab off the rank. He is aptly coy and smiling, as the pretty but (yawn) dull hostie asks the usual (yawn) inane questions we have come to expect from this part of the show. This hostie is less annoying than last season’s girl but equally inane. She can probably blame that on the inane questions she has to ask. Anyhow, after the flashback to Julz’s city visit, it’s time for the big reveal….and it’s Melanie. She hadn’t gone off the boil, so they hold hands on the couch, then Julz takes Melanie to meet the boys who are waiting around, beer in hand.

Next up, Jedd. He had an “amazing experience”. Samantha was “amazing”. Kerry was “amazing”. Can this show really be scripted? I thought Sam had it in the bag but Jedd is still sampling. On his city date, blow me down, he is test driving Kerry. With no Gregory in sight, Kerry gets Jedd between her legs, but in the end his choice is…..wait for it….. Sam. Jedd is a goofy goof ball, but cute. Sam is gorgeous, in a toothy girl-next door way, so they make an adorable…..no, amazing couple. They didn’t hold hands on the couch, but Sam did wipe the drool off his lips, so that could mean the L word.

Now it’s rtv veteran, Lachlan, who has done enough of these shows to qualify for I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here. In fact I got the feeling that he had spent most of the series thinking he was in I Am A Farmer, Get Me Out of Here.  Lachlan has chosen Belinda, after he gave his other girl a serve. Belinda likes Lachlan for his witty banter and dad jokes. They are both taking things in their strides. Lachlan introduces Belinda to the boys at the bar and Jedd’s eyes pop for Belinda. Down boy. You chose Samantha.

Lancie is up next, but not in the way he hoped. He headed to the big smoke to meet Lisa, who greeted him wearing pedal pusher jeans spangled with rhinestones. She must have one of those 80s rhinestoning kits. Although Lance had goosebumps being back at Hunter Valley, where it all began, he just didn’t have goosebumps for Lisa. So Lisa packed up her rhinestone cowgirl clothes, and is still looking for love. Not even channel 9 lawyers can make Lancie rope and brand a filly unless he’s feeling it 100%.

They seem to be saving the best for last, because next up is Adam. Now Hayley was the initial front runner, like a cute little blue-eyed princess, but it was Taryn who put in all the hard work, and it looked like Adam might lean her way. Come city date though, and it was Hayley who Adam visited, and it was still Hayley sitting beside Adam on the Love Couch in Hunter Valley. Too bad Eliza.

And finally, it’s Farmer Matt’s turn. We are told Matty had the toughest choice of all. Not sure why.  Matt visits April (well she’s hot, so what guy wouldn’t) and he surprises her at a park. She just happens to be there cooking sausages, with her entire family. Everyone meets, and Matt and April show how they can both skate really well. Fast forward to the Hunter Valley house and the legs coming down the stairs, balancing on really high heels…..is still April. Yep. Matt chose April. April coos that Matt doesn’t know how amazing he is. Then calls him “dude” again. But she rubs his arm and Matt blushes like a school boy in love with his hot 4th grade teacher.  Everyone’s is toothy. Hostie is smiling. April is smiling. Matty is smiling. And I am thinking of those clowns at the royal show.

When Matt walks into the bar with his arm candy, all the farmers drool on cue. Then the country band plays, while all the farmers pretend to have found the loves of their lives.  Everyone snuggles, except Lancie, who is out in the men’s toilets texting Karen…..and Lorraine. Revolving heartsRevolving heartsRevolving heartsRevolving hearts

Good luck Farmers, and Cowgirls. Thanks for letting me take the p*ss. Thanks readers. I hope you all find love. 😙😙😙



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Farmer Wants a Wife – Ep 3

Hooray for guest recapper, Daisy:

Tonight on Farmer Wants a Wife…..
We pick up where we left off last week, saying goodbye to the first round of home stay girls. Now we know, ttv readers, that our hearts have warmed to Farmer Matt, but (slaps own face) we have to remain objective, and no free pass for our toothy cattle rancher.
The show begins with Famer Julz, 36, who wants to prove that there is fun to be had in Tumby Bay, so he takes his girls to segway park. Hmmm, I hope Tumby Bay gets better than segway. Adam chooses something to test his girls’ cooking skills and dinner table conversation, and takes them to a cooking class. Still not a lot of fun. They get a class in tortellini making. Hayley is on edge and feeling insecure. Not a good look, Hayley.
Samantha is developing feelings for Oyster Farmer Jedd, but photographer Kerry gets the jump on her and, camera in hand, goes to the beach with Jedd and Gregory. Gregory gets to show off his canine modelling, and Jedd is probably going to ask Greg if he likes Kerry. Jedd is still being bashful.
Now the screen heats up as we see Farmer Matt drive in on his enormous machine. He is definitely the producers choice for sex and sizzle. The word dirty gets mentioned a lot now. The girls aren’t afraid to get their hands dirty, and we saw Matt’s dirty hands last week. It’s very sexy work, cattle rustling. There sweat, singlets, skin and phemerones are going crazy. April is drooling. Amelia is gushing. But Gabi is feeling left out.
Now on Lachie’s farm, he wants to make sure he makes the right decision-he is running out of dating show options. His girls are dolling up for a day out at Camden races. Lachie has invited his mates to check out the girls, while the girls do their best to appear bright, witty and charming. But Lachlan is bombing out with Jess, who didn’t feel any sparks.


Over at the rodeo, Lance brings his mate Bob to help lasso a filly. There is some bull handling and Lisa doesn’t want anything too big or frisky between her legs. Not sure if she means Lance. In the meantime, Julz takes beautician Alex to feed parrots.


For a nice interlude, the parrots are pretty. Alex and Julz get on well enough for Alex to thank Julz for sharing his budgie.
Here we have some farmer related ads for those of us who might need a tractor and then it’s back to Farmer Matt, taking his cowgirls to a beautiful creek for a frollick. I think April and Amelia are OK with a threesome and we all get to see Matt’s bum, rewind, bum again, rewind, bum…..OK move on. The slap and tickle in the creek has left Gabi once again feeling a little behind, but not the same behind that April felt. Matt takes Gabi off into the bushes and asks to see every side of her.


Gabi obliges and they lock lips. Well played Gabi! Matt tells the camera he is lost for words.


At Adam’s sedate luncheon, talk turns to relationship goals. Christine’s heart is melting, but Hayley is floundering. She doesn’t cope well with competition and her inner bunny boiler is showing. Hayley’s eyes tear up. She wants Adam to herself. She is anxious about the other girls’ ability to engage Adam in witty banter. At the rodeo, hot and cold Karen is off the boil again. She doesn’t want to hurt Lance, but she writes him a dear John letter, even though he is only in the kitchen.


Lance was sad, but resilient. That little “rip snorter” was his favourite. Lance must be partial to a sad sack. Karen drives away as Lance turns his attention back to spoiling his two remaining “lovely ladies”.
Back at Camden race track (do dah, do dah….sorry), the girls are hitting the juice and have loosened up. They are enjoying Lachie’s mates and cousin Stu, all of whom look a bit like a bunch of codgers. Julz’s feelings for Megan are beginning to waver, so he takes her for a deep and meaningful walk on a jetty, while Jedd takes Samantha to sit in a vineyard. Jedd finally gets over his shyness and zooms in for the smooch. He does well, for a slow starter. Returning to Camden, Jess lets Lachie down gently with an ‘it’s not me it’s you’ and an offer to stay friends. She has no regrets, perhaps because she can now go on to do First Dates. Lachlnan is pragmatically still looking forward to his future.
Now be patient viewers because as the episode winds up, we are told that next week ….the claws will be out. Miaooow. Till next week ????



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Farmer Wants A Wife – episode 2

Daisy is kindly doing us a recap, but as she is on WA time, feel free to comment in the meantime if you’re managing to fit Farmer in amid the reality TV overload tonight.
Judging from this tweet, the visit to see Farmer Lance is going to be a classy affair.

Over to Daisy: Well I think Farmer Matt was avoiding me because when I turned on the telly, he had started without me. So I grab a cuppa and settle in. This is the episode where the hopeful girls arrive at the farms, all nervous giggles and inappropriate footwear. They have come to see if their farmer is a JR Ewing or a Pa Kettle.

The farmers all welcome their girls. The keenest are cowboy Lance and his girls, although his favourite, Lorraine had bailed citing personal reasons. But Lance gets over it pretty quickly as a couple of his ladies bounce together on a bunk. On If You are The One, these ladies would be called “left overs”.
Jedd loves Greg. And Greg loves Jedd. So it was smart of Shonelle to bring a doggie treat for Greg. Julz has a seven-year-old daughter, River, whom we see briefly before she is wisely whisked off camera. I can’t warm to Julz myself. He has the look of a man covered in tattoos, even though he isn’t covered in tattoos.

Next we see some horseplay from cowboy Lance. He says he isn’t ready to choose yet, but he is busy sampling Suzie’s bum. The ladies have commented Lance is “touchy feely”. Adam from Gippsland has eyes for Hayley, but the self-confessed butcher girl wore princess boots and struggled through the paddock.

At dinner time, the boys show off their cooking skills, and Lance just shows off. He is in his element. Lachlan has never seen a stove before – in fact, is this even his kitchen? Probably not. (Does anyone remember his house from his last dating show?) Jedd from Coffin Bay, SA, prepares seafood, but Kerry confesses she hates seafood. Wrong farm, Kerry. You should marry a sheep farmer. At his farm, Adam chooses flight attendant Kelsea to go in the kitchen to baste his loaf, and she did a good job of leaning sexily over the bench.
In the morning, well actually well before morning, Adam took his girls milking. Lance rounds up his fillies and slaps Suzie on the bum … again … and again. Then they throw horse poo at each other, and that works for Suzie. Law and finance student Amelia catches Matt’s eye and they manage to feel each other’s bums while pretending to round up cattle. Then they go off alone and get sexy. Jedd puts his girls to the test with a swimsuit competition. He gets bashful, but they don’t. Then they all wear wetsuits to go oyster farming and oyster farmer ogling. They all hope Jedd is well hung. Jedd is growing on me, but it might be that lovely sea. Back on land, Adam has a picnic with Tarryn. They get deep and meaningful and Adam asks that dangerous question; “Why haven’t you found love before now?”. Then a salami comes between them but no kissing.

Now Julz gets a one on one with Megan. Megan wants to start a turkey farm, and that is a turn on for Julz, so they stay out late, leaving Julz’s other girls to fret. First kiss of the episode goes to Laclan. He kisses Belinda. As Dr Phil would say, this isn’t Lachlan’s first rodeo.
Later, when Adam’s girls are ready to eat dinner, there is a veterinary emergency and the girls rush out to watch Adam insert his arm into Clara’s bottom. Clara is NOT one of his dates. We can only hope that Adam washed thoroughly before dinner or any post dinner snuggling.
The next day there is the general round of “Let’s see if the little lady can shear a sheep and drive a tractor”, as the girls are given farm chores to do. Matt’s girls are fencing and April wants to prove she can handle the shaft. Lachie tries hay baling, but he is as good with a tractor as he is with a stove. His group go back for early lunch. Jedd’s girls sort oysters. Lance is happier than a pig in mud, or a dog on heat, because he gets to keep all of his girls, but he is busy trying before buying. He does a bit of horsing around with Suzie again, and shows off his groping … I mean roping skills. It all got too much for Karen, who packed her little pink suitcase, but Lance pulled out his ace card and took her for a romantic buggy ride, and nearly kills her in the process. Karen says Lance has a lot of love to give.

Skip now to Decision Day. The girls are nervous. The farmers are nervous. The camera crew are nervous. We are nervous and guessing who will get the cowboy boot.

First up is “Helicopter Hottie” Matt. My guess; Anna. Yep it’s Anna. At this point I notice little Gabrielle is cute.

Next it’s Julz, and unsurprisingly he says goodbye to Amanda.
Lachlan “wasn’t drawn to Kate”. Someone must have told Jedd it’s best to be cruel to be kind because he ripped Shanelle off like a bandaid on a hairy leg. Adam struggled to name his loser but in the end it was Kelsea. What????? And Lance managed to woo Karen back into the hen house.
The unlucky girls wax philosophical as they drive into the sunset back to find that love that awaits.



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