MKR – Tues, Mar 29 – Miners V Besties

It’s Sudden Death time for Rosie and Paige V Man Bun and Non Man Bun. Go South Straya!

Last time through the doors of Kitchen HQ for ...??
Last time through the doors of Kitchen HQ for …??

paigerosstart

You’d think Besties have this in the bag but Rosie is right – they’ve never felt the pressure of Sudden Death before. No mention of Paige’s injury as yet.
Manu’s back. Dammit. Thought he might have gotten lost on one of his “My France” jaunts and we could have lured The Khoo back.

The Menus
Miners
(who are going with a chilli theme)
Entree: Five spice prawns with papaya salad and coriander dressing (just don’t put honey in the dressing like last night, lads)
Main: Snapper with green chilli coconut broth
Dessert: Doughnuts with chilli chocolate ice cream and rhubarb
All sounds delish if they can cook the seafood properly and balance their flavours.

Besties (Middle Eastern comfort food)
Entree: Cauliflower fritters with yoghurt soz and tabouli
Main: Roast quail with peas, mint and speck
Dessert: Flourless Persian cake with rosewater jelly
Yum, although I’m not mad on rosewater. Prepping quail is going to be tricky for someone with a thumb injury.

Strangely Rosie is not following the strategy of the teams in the last sudden death round of using packet stock and gallons of red wine to make her “juss”. Perhaps that’s why Manu was absent for the movies challenge – too much bad jus-jus.
Jordan yells out to a deboning Paige: “For every quail you do I’ll give you 10 kisses.” She shoots back: “Jordan, I just got slower; it’s weird.” Yep, they need to stay and HOLY MOLEY WHAT IS MANU WEARING?
I only had half an eye on the screen until now and missed the gloriousness of this:

Not even Matt Preston dons purple velvet.
Not even Matt Preston dons purple velvet.

Looks like our main sideline commentators tonight are Carmine (Has Lauren lost her voice? JP and Nelly did mention she had been sick), Zana and Jordan.
Miners and Lovebirds - this is how you make a stock.
Miners and Lovebirds – this is how you make a stock.

Rosie is going like the clappers doing a million jobs while Paige is stuck on Quailgate, and the deboning is sending Paige a bit loopy. Rosie has to tell her to stop mucking around and you can see the stress starting to creep in. Keep it together, girls. These quail better be worth it. Imagine if they spend all this time on them and then overcook the meat.
With about half an hour to go Paige ditches the quail and gives Rosie a hand so they can at least get an entree out.
Over on the Miners’ side Alex is using a mandolin without the safety thingy and I can’t watch because that’s how I ended up in hospital years ago while making a potato bake (there’s a happy ending to the story – none of the blood got on the potato bake).
Luckily Gareth realises he forgot to put garlic in the curry paste. If I was Alex I’d be tasting everything Gareth was in charge of.
Gareth starts cooking their tempura prawns and – god love him – says he is “chooffed” with himself.
Plating up is done in the usual rush and both dishes look tasty.


Entree judging: The judges love the prawns and the dish as a whole, but wish they’d bammed up the chilli.
And they love the girls’ dish. Fass: “Cauliflower is the new rock star vegetable of the world at the moment.” Pete says it’s slightly better than the prawns.

Mains round
Paige gets back on to those damn quail while Rosie starts the cake. The boys were smart to choose something that could just simmer away.

Will it be worth it?
Will it be worth it?

Alex is doing a steam test of a snapper fillet (smart) while Gareth very slowly makes choux for their dessert, much to the frustration of the onlookers, who seem to regard him as an adorable doofus.
The girls are quite late getting their potato in the oven and they are freaking out over getting a main up. As Rosie says: “Ultimately, this could really change my family’s life.” Good to see them using frozen peas at least rather than wasting time shelling freshies but uh oh – Page forgot the quail. Use your timers! Have a Fuze tea and calm down.
The boys cut their fish to shorten the cooking time but they haven’t really tested the new size, plus they are adding even more chilli.
As they plate up Manu yells out: “Be generous with the soz – I love it!”
I know it’s edited to make each course look like it came down to the wire, but it genuinely looked as though the Besties just scraped in there.


Time for judging
I was going to pick the boys’ curry as my choice to taste – until they chucked chilli flakes over everything. Let’s see what the judges say.
Fass says the quail leg is great but the breast is a bit over. Pete loves the peas and Karen loves the jus. They give props for the quail deboning. “I was sold when I tried the jus,” says Manu.
On to the snapper. Guy: “I feel like I’ve just been punched in the face with this dish … in a really good way.” Liz says the fish has been respected. The other teams seem to prefer the snapper.

Dessert time
Gareth gets out the choux he made before and it’s gone crusty. Did he not cling wrap it? Ditch it, Man Bun! You can make a new choux. Choux life!
Rosie’s rosewater jelly does look pretty. Hope it doesn’t taste soapy.

I don't think you're ready for this jelly ... my cake is just delicious.
I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly … my cake is just delicious.

Paige is making pistachio praline, so of course chucks a nut at Jordan on the sidelines. (Windsong is going to be sooo happy with all the Jordan screentime tonight. I reckon he looked better with shorter hair, though.)
Insert whatever filthy comment pops into your head.
Insert whatever filthy comment pops into your head.

Rosie manages to make mascarpone butter and Gareth is overcrowding the teeny fryer with his dough balls. At least they’ve done a rhubarb sauce to go with them, and rhubarb is always a winner in my books.
And then Curly Laura notices something is awry.
What's wrong with this picture?
What’s wrong with this picture?

The sidelines teams must not be allowed to yell out warnings, although surely that would add to the drama. So the Miners chomp through their “tester”, not realising it’s a balls up. No worries – just give that one to Pete. But, crisis averted, the boys notice and Alex scrapes out enough from the saucepan to make another ball.
The girls’ plating isn’t amazing and they decide to ditch the Persian fairy floss, which I think gave a nice height to the plate.
On or off?
On or off?

The boys’ dessert is the most visually appealing.


Dessert judging
Colin: “It’s a little bit doughy.” Karen likes the playfulness of it and the flavour combo. They love the ice cream, but the doughnuts were inconsistently cooked.
Guy loves the girls’ cake. Liz is impressed with their restrained use of rosewater in the jelly. Pete thought the cake looked boring but he loved the taste.

The scoring
Miners:
The snapper is Fass’s dish of the day. They get props for everything except the doughiness of their doughnuts and going too easy on the spice in the entree. Manu loooved that ice cream: “Pack it – sell it into shops.”
Who’d have thought after their last few shockers they’d do so well. Well done, boys.
Guy 9, Fass 7, Liz 8, Karen 8, Pete 8, Manu 9. Total: 49/60

Besties:
The girls are stoked to hear Manu say their jus was beautiful. It’s all positive, apart from Fass mentioning the overcooked quail breast.
Guy 9, Fass 8, Liz 9, Karen 8, Pete 9, Manu 9. Total: 52/60

SA Besties win and Pete utters what could be the kiss of death for them: “If I was the other teams I’d be looking at you as a real threat.”

Say what, Pete?
Say what, Pete?

Bye-bye, Miners! You can go back to wearing collarless shirts that fit your chests and biceps properly.
bye

Tomorrow night’s challenge is a barbecue one and it will be fun watching Zana try not to scream if a cow goes near her. Or a bird. Or a clod of dirt. And we are teased up for a big shortcut scandal involving the Chopses. Looks like they might have used a bottle of something in their marinade. We hear Fass berate them and Mrs Chops whispering to hubby: “Why didn’t you hide it?” Oh dear – just when they had redeemed themselves after RSL Jar-gate.

Colin "Jar Police" Fassnidge is on the case.
Colin “Jar Police” Fassnidge is on the case.

ENDS



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MKR – Wed, Mar 23 – Miners V Lovebirds

Go now, boys. Run - be free of your constraining shirts.
Go now, boys. Run – be free of your constraining shirts.

At this point does it matter who goes home? We know neither of these teams is going to be in the grand final. I guess I want the Miners to win because they are affable chaps who don’t do ridiculous PDA, but is that just prolonging their suffering?
Boys, use your mining cash to start a food truck selling Mexican food and juices. Put Gareth on customer service and you’d make a motza.


Hmmm, nice raw meat touching cabbage there, MKR fridge stockers.

And so the race to see who the not-quite-so-sucky of two sucky teams begins … But first, we check in with Paige, who recounts her fishy story and says she’s on the mend (but surely she can’t continue in the competition while recovering from hand surgery?).

Gareth and Alex’s menu:

Entree: Salmon sashimi with avocado puree and rice crackers (Sounds way basic so they’d better have awesome sushi knife skills. Seems unlikely.)

Main: Eye fillet with butter bean mash and red wine jus (Sounds like a Nev dish – should that be juss?)

Dessert: Chocolate mousse dome with cherry sorbet (Yum – hope they have been practising their tempering. Any dessert based on the flavours of a Cherry Ripe is a winner with me.)

JP and Nelly:

Entree: Polish borscht with caraway flatbread and dill yoghurt (What’s with all the soup’s this year on MKR? From the Cops’ gluggy pea and ham to Dee’s whatever that mess was with unfried chorizo, they’ll all been flops, despite not being technically challenging.)

Main: Roast duck maryland with potato and leek mash and red wine jus (Meh. Could be delicious but it’s not exactly inspirational)

Dessert: White chocolate mascarpone tart with caramelised figs and hints of earl grey (I believe I’ve made my view on the nothingness that is white chocolate clear.)

And they’re cooking … Alex confesses he’s only tempered chocolate once before but it looks like he’s been shotgunning YouTube videos. It’s going to be hard controlling the temperature under the studio lights.

Nelly is working on her tart pastry but there’s still time for nauseating pecks with JP. But what does official commentator Lauren think? She mutters (correctly) from the sidelines: “There’s too much love between them and not enough in the food.”

Gareth (aka Man Bun) says the dressing is “ponzu-inspired” and “We’re showing a bit of creative flair.” This does not bode well. If combining the sauce and avocado was a good idea, the Japanese would have started doing it centuries ago.

Both teams seem behind with their entrees, but who can tell, really, with the editing. Supposedly with 20 minutes to go Nelly yells “shish-kebab!” and remembers she has to make flatbread for the entree. And with 15 minutes to go their rice crackers aren’t in the oven and the fish hasn’t been touched.

Back from the ad break, Manu pretends he’s excited and tells Pete “We’ve got salmon versus soup; the ‘fat’ is on.”

Urgh – more kissy kissy. Nelly’s flatbread doesn’t seem to be baking in the oven so they pop it in a frypan. Allegedly with 60 seconds to go Gareth is cutting up his hot rice crackers with a pizza wheel.

Time for judging …


Guy says the soup has a grainy texture. It’s all a bit blah.


“It’s a good bit of fish, but a few microherbs thrown on top, it just doesn’t cut the mustard for me.” Karen says the rice cracker wasn’t cooked enough. Colin is scathing: “What are you doing with all that time? … When we’ve seem some of the other dishes the other teams have put up …”

Time for mains … the boys get their sorbet in the freezer and start to unmould their chocolate. Their domes are breaking. But then Alex gets the hang of it and the crowd goes wild. The Lovebirds are also focusing on dessert – can someone please start their main!
Alex does a paprika and onion powder rub for his beef fillet and browns it in a pan that’s far too hot. Man Bun is entrusted with mixing lemon into butter.
Nelly is making potato and leek mash and is trying to get it smooth with a stick blender. But what does official commentator, Lauren, think: “They’re going to turn into glue.”
That’s twice I’ve agreed with Lauren tonight. Can someone check my temperature? Does Nelly not watch the show? It’s called a drum sieve, girl. And why is she cooking broccolini with oodles of time left on the clock?
Meanwhile, everything’s going wrong on the other side. Pete and Manu are exchanging alarmed looks at the thought of eating the Miners’ gloppy bean puree (Fass is going to lose it); the boys have forgotten to put the wine in their jus; and Alex has burnt some of the beef because he burnt the spices when he fried it earlier. Oh no, it’s actually because he had one of the ovens on grill. He’s understandably freaking out.
It’s the battle of the sozes, and the onlookers think both jus will be rubbish. The Mners’ meat is resting without a thermometer in sight, but luckily for them it looks nice and pink inside. Well, one fillet, at least. The other is almost raw. The Lovebirds are plopping their Clag mash and overcooked broccoli on the plate. We haven’t heard much about the duck, so it’s probably fine.

The judges dig in …


Fass: “It was dry. The broccoli .. it was three times cooked .. I’m a bit disheartened today actually.” The sauce is yucky, as is the Clag.


Some beef is blue, some is overcooked, the beans are stodgy. Manu: “The jus is just red wine. I prefer to have no soz at all.”
Fass: “I might not even come back – I’m that angry”
Jordan sums it up: “The butter has [pause while he tries to think of something nice to say] flavour in it and the leek was actually all right. Normally I have my red wine in a glass.”

As predicted, it’s a huge letdown after the highs of the Italians V Zana showdown where people made their own pasta and filo, stuffed squid, made risotto, etc.

It’s dessert time and the boys are quenelling sorbet like champions. Gareth starts making praline. At least the dessert will have a number of elements showcasing technique.
The Lovebirds take their tea-flavoured pastry out and it looks a bit blond but they seem happy. It’s certainly thin.
But then Nelly is having fig trouble and yet again has to be bleeped for swearing. I remember this from her instant restaurant – she was depicted as Snow White but there was a lot of bleeping.
Why didn’t she just torch them to start with? Perhaps because she was terrible memories of blow torch dramas from their restaurant – remember JP driving from servo to servo?
The Miners are plating up and it looks so much better than their last sweet effort:

Not plated up by four year olds.
Not plated up by four year olds.

Yep, they’ve got this.

Tasting time …
The judges are delighted to have two dishes that look edible.


Guy: “Wow – it’s like it’s a different team.” The choc is well tempered and the sorbet is refreshingly tart. Fass would like a thinner dome but he’s just happy to have decent food. Manu eats everything on his plate.


Guy likes the shortness of the pastry. Colin: “It’s elegant, it’s feminine.” They all like it.

The Miners are judged first and Colin does some truth telling to their sad little faces, but they “romped it home” for dessert.
Scores: Fass 4; Guy 5; Karen 5; Liz 5; Pete 5; Manu 5. Total 29/60
The boys think they’re going home and JP and Nelly are hopeful, until …
Fass schools them in how to make a vegie trivet to stop duck overcooking on the bottom and says their soz was a waste of red wine.
Scores: Fass 3; Guy 4; Karen 5; Liz 5; Pete 5; Manu 5. 27/60
The camera must have missed Zana’s reaction, so instead we get:

OMG
OMG

JP is so devo that Nelly has to do all the talking.
Go have a cup of tea, JP.
Go have a cup of tea, JP.

Yep, see ya – don’t mind me while I fast forward through your kissing montage.

A reminder there’s no MKR Sunday but it’s back Monday with a feed-the-public challenge at a movie night. It looks like everything goes wrong for Zana, probably because they made her wear pink lippie instead of her usual villain red. Lauren must have gotten that shade – for when she’s throwing shade.



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MKR – Tues, Mar 22

As we shed a tear for the now-dead-to-us Italians, it’s time to see how the contestants fare with an outdoor challenge. Will some of them learn from their mistakes with the Olympic challenge?
Now we know it’s a seafood challenge, as this is a behind-the-scenes video of the contestants at the Sydney Fish Markets. It’s nice to see them all looking relaxed for a change.
https://au.tv.yahoo.com/my-kitchen-rules/clips/31161331/behind-the-scenes-fisherman-s-challenge/#page1

Here we go …

Looks like a lovely day to be on the waters of Sydney Harbor and the Lovebirds are doing the Titanic pose in the bow. However, Zana is not thrilled to be on a boat.
“There’s sewage in the ocean. I don’t like it,” she says. Ah, Zana, what was once infuriating to us is now hilarious.
Jordan fans (looking at you, Windsong) feel free to sit this one out as he and mum are safe after winning the Rio challenge.
Pete and Fass welcome contestants to Cockatoo Island but announce cryptically that Rosie and Paige are absent due to the latter having an accident and being told to sit out on doctor’s orders.
Thanks to Twitter I found out she seriously injured her hand while trying to show Rosie how to fillet a fish with a blunt knife in their hotel room. She ended up having to have hand surgery and still has trouble. If you click through the Twitter link you’ll get more deets.


Back at Cockatoo Island the contestants have an hour to prep and cook a dish of cockatoo – ah, seafood, for 100 fisherfolk. There’s going to be lots of tedious peeling prawns, pinboning fish and debearding mussels, which is why I tend to order seafood when I eat out so someone else does the hard yards.
Curlies (Mitch and Laura) are doing snapper remoulade with charred fennel and beurre blanc. Fancy! Perhaps it’s a good thing to be cooking French food when Manu has the day off.
Mr and Mrs Chops are doing pan-fried ocean trout with garlic aioli [there’s a tautology for you] and cauliflower chips. The chips sound yummy. They are happy and confident about cooking fish, so I’m waiting for them to flatline.
Zana and Plus One are doing salt and pepper squid with rocket and radish salad and spicy aioli. Should be quick to do in the brief prep time and is a good dish for a hot day.
Lovebirds go for herb-crusted tuna with tomato and bocconcini salad with crispy chips. So glad they didn’t go for that more pleb option of soggy chips. Uh oh – Nelly is writing on a blackboard again. Remember what happened last time she was let loose with chalk?

From the RSL challenge.
From the RSL challenge.

That massive slab of tuna would be worth a bomb, so I don’t blame JP for being nervous.
Lauren and Carmine are doing crispy skin salmon with asparagus and lemon butter sauce. Lauren has the spiraliser out and is doing oodles of zoodles. Hmmm … is zucchini really the way to a fisherman’s heart? I’m over salmon – it should be banned from the comp.
The Miners are making crispy skin barramundi with noodle salad and Asian beans. Do they mean snake beans? No, they look like regular beans and he’s going to throw in some hoisin and soy to Asian it up. Please don’t stuff it up, lads – you did so well on the Olympic challenge.
The seagulls are giving everyone the shits, especially Zana. I really hope one poops on someone.
Like maybe, Lauren, who in a flash of self-depreciating humour admits the convenience of technology is to blame for making her forget how to spell asparagus. But she’s way above Nelly level.
Time to fast forward through the adds for Coles’ Easter seafood specials. If you are buying seafood for the weekend, would you really buy it at Coles?
Chris and Cookie are doing tempura prawns with wombok salad and dipping sauce. That’s a whole lotta peeling and poop chute scoopin’. If they can power through the prep it should be a winner.
The Sisters are making spicy coconut mussels with lemongrass rice. Again they are worried about not having a rice cooker, but it worked out for them last time.
Tarq and Dad (geez – is there never an end to these contestants?) have Singapore chilli crab with egg noodles and coriander salad. This would be my pick to order, as they are fiddly beasts to prep and cook properly.

Zana is deep frying olives to put in her salad. I’ve never had one but it sounds fab.
Halfway through prep time Carmine and Lauren have not touched their fish, instead concentrating on their 1001 accompaniments.
Fass comes over to check on the Miners and gives them numerous hints their plan to cook the fish in the oven and then crisp the skin in a pan is a bad one. Seriously, guys – even the fishmonger told you to do the skin in the pan first. But fate intervenes and it seems their oven is not even switched on. So they’ll have to start it off in the pan now, surely? Did Fass sneakily pull out their electrical cord to save them from themselves?
Fass heads over to Lauren and Carmine to put the wind up them for doing candied walnuts when they should be cooking salmon.
The Sisters are getting frazzled but bickering is the way they work best, so they should be fine.
JP is having tuna dramas with the heat of his pan and the crumb falls off, and Carmine and Alex are stuffing up their crispy fish skins. The perils of cooking outdoors on a commercial stove.
And here come the fisherfolk on their trawlers and narry a yellow oilskin jacket or chunky blue jumper in sight. They are all dressed rather prettily. Time for the judges to taste. 



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MKR – Tues, Mar 15 – the one where a watched pot never boils

I love that every phrase out of Lauren’s mouth is the way I speak to Mr Juz sarcastically: “totes unfair”, “amazeballs”, “devo” … I’m just waiting for her to drop a “whatevs”.
And here she is, “devo” that she was on the losing Black team from the Rissole challenge, despite getting a good critique from Pete and Colin.
At least she gets to be in the presence of the real Curtis Stone and not just the cardboard cutout they have at Coles.
And their cooking challenge? To produce a “fresh banquet” using seasonal produce. So, no bottled lemon juice?
Pete explains the rules: the judges pick the worst dish and its makers will cook against a team selected by the guest teams.
Cut to shocked Zana face and Lauren freaking out.

There's a camera guy whose only job is to get Zana reaction shots. He's a busy bloke.
There’s a camera guy whose only job is to get Zana reaction shots. He’s a busy bloke.

They have 60 minutes – not long at all given they have to find their way around the pantry and kitchen.

The dishes are:
Miners:
Asian omelette with soft-shell crab and citrus glaze. Does an omelette need a glaze? Is it more a dressing? At least the crab component sounds more complex than their pathetic filo cup effort.
Duck Nutters: Pepper steak on mushroom with feta salad. Sounds boring and not much work for 60 minutes, even allowing for resting time. And Nev is peeling the mushrooms. Why??
Laurine and Carmine: Mushroom ragu with crispy polenta. Better bam up the salt in the polenta, gice.
Sisters Tasia and Gracia: Crispy Pork Cakes with apple and pear slaw and sweet chilli sauce. And I know that sauce won’t come out of a bottle – looking at you, Mr and Mrs Chops.
JP and Nelly: Who knows what they are making. I’m too busy hurling after he tells her he needs to marinate the steak and her response is “I love you”. Apparently it’s Beef tostada with guac and mango salsa. Some decent technique required there.

The Miners are burning their mini omelettes – turn down the heat, Man Bun! And just make big omelettes and slice them up.
Pete is impressed by the Lovebirds’ energy but worried the others are looking stressed.
Hooray – the Miners decide to make a big omelette.
With 22 minutes ticked away it seems Duck Nutters have yet to put their mushies in the oven. This is what happens when you stupidly peel mushrooms. What have they been doing all this time? Seasoned and browned some beef and made a herb butter?
Carmine and Lauren reckon their polenta has heaps of cheese and seasoning so she starts cooking their (unpeeled) mushies.
The Sisters have made quite large pork “meatloaves”, in effect, to steam. Smaller ones would cook more quickly.
Over at the Lovebirds’ station Nelly reckons the fumes from the deep fryer hurt her eyes so JP has to come rescue the damsel in distress. Urgh. And why are they using whisks to hold down their tostadas? Metal whisks + boiling oil = accident waiting to happen.
Cut to Duck Nutters and the watery mushies look like rubbish and Kell feels the same, but as usual her face is so impassive we can’t tell what’s going on. She walks off to the wing with a “sorry, babe” and someone from the medical team comes over. Kell says she’s nauseous. Always a good thing to hear a cook say before you have to eat their food. The clock now shows 20 minutes to go. Nev carries on on his own and gets a Miner to taste his beef.
But the Miners have their own problems, one of which is their omelettes look overcooked and they do little cookie cutter circles out of it. Nooo! Just do big slices and fold them, boys!
Carmine and Laurine are stuffing up their polenta discs – they are sticking to the deep fryer. On the sidelines Zana says they’ve cut the discs too thinly. Her mushroom ragu looks very thin.
Nev is frantically plating up on his own – luckily he picked a simple dish.
All of the dishes look like they will be quite tricky to eat without a giant bib.
The judging
Lauren is confident they have a “crackin'” dish. Manu says it’s not a good-looking dish but the polenta is well seasoned. And Curtis backs up Zana’s call on the thin polenta. Some guests’ polenta is falling apart an Zana says the mushies have been stewed.

Curtis says Duck Nutters cooked the beef well. Manu thinks the feta and raw capsicum don’t really go and it’s underseasoned. (Unfortunately MKR’s Twitter account posted pix of several dishes that were not from tonight’s show – Kell and Nev’s supposed dish appeared to be seared tuna nestled in a pastry cup) – so I’m missing quite a few I don’t have time to get screengrabs for. If they rectify it I will update pix tomorrow.)
The Miners’ omelette is “too eggy”, says Curtis, but he likes the crab.

The Lovebirds’ tostada gets the thumbs up but Curtis would like less mango.
The Sisters’ pork dish inspires Pete to utter one of my pet hate phrases: “It’s quite a unique dish.” Pete, it’s unique, or not – there’s no quite unique. He says all the elements have flavour. Curtis: “If my local dumpling truck sold this I’d go there again and again.” But Manu thinks the sauce is too sweet, and Mrs Chops agrees.
The safe teams are handed scorecards.

Zanas thinking face.
Zanas thinking face.

Winners and Losers
It’s time for the critique and we learn Kell is feeling better. Otherwise, we don’t hear much new. The Sisters get the highest praise and Curtis says they are his faves. These girls are improving in leaps and bounds after a mediocre instant restaurant. Pete says Duck Nutters are in sudden death. The teams’ pick is Carmine and Lauren.
Lauren clearly thinks they’re being picked on but as Jordan tells the confessional: “Their dish was one of the worst. You deserve to be there Lauren.”

Sudden death
Oh, we’re doing sudden death tonight? This is taking forever. And there seem to be even more ads than usual.
They have 90 minutes to produce a salvation dish and Carmine and Lauren will surely win.
Duck Nutters: Crispy skin barramundi with puttanesca sauce. Sounds simple.
Beef ragu with fettucine. More ragu! More pasta! At least do a differently shaped pasta.

Chief Nut says he is going to top the fish with the sauce, which will ruin any crispy skin. Hopefully he changes his mind and puts the sauce underneath. Nev is freaking out under the pressure and massacring the barra, cutting it into different sizes. I noticed Kell wearing gloves in the previous round. Is that because they are worried she might have something contagious? The Miners show support with “Come on, Mum and Dad.” One of the Italianos throws Lauren a token cheer but it falls on deaf ears. Carmine puts his concreter muscles to use cranking out the pasta dough. Lauren comes out of the zone for a bit of banter with her fellow Italians.
Duck Nutters are cruising and Nev chargrills the eggplant but doesn’t want to it in the oven “too soon”. I see raw eggplant in his future.
With 22 minutes to go Lauren and Carmine’s pasta water is not yet hot. Put it in smaller pots, guys. Did you fill it from the hot tap to start with? They decide to split it into smaller pots – yay.
A watched pot never boils – especially when the watchers are your MKR rivals. They chuck the pasta in anyway so they can get something on the plate.
Plating up is a mad dash and while Carmine and Lauren’s looks sloppy it looks more enticing and they showed more skill.

barra

ragu

Time to chew …
Curtis has flown the coop so it’s just Pete and Manu at the lords of the manor table, looking down at the peasant cook.
Laurine and Carmine lie and say they like their pasta “very al dente”.

Pete says the pasta was cooked well and the sauce had decent flavour given the short-cooking time. Manu agrees the plate showed signs of stress.
The eggplant was undercooked – picked it – but the fish had crispy skin.
Manu reckons it was “thees close”. Surely technique will win out?
And it does. Bye, bye Duck Nutters. Kell finally shows some emotion. Manu thanks them for teaching him the phrase “the ducks’ nuts”.

Tomorrow night: An Olympic-sized challenge and everyone has to cook.



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MKR, Mon, March 14 – the one where they cook at the Rissole

Here come the contestants in their casual gear but with kitchen clogs on and – yay – Colin Fassnidge is back, keeping Pete Evans company (reminder – Zana and Plus One, Dads/Besties and Italians get to sit this one out for being the top scorers of their rounds). Who did you forget was still in the comp?

The Fass announces they will be cooking a family bouffay for members of the public at an arsehole club (gotta love that Irish accent – we usually call it the Rissole, but I get puzzled looks from SA friends when I do that). They’ll be cooking for 100 RSL diners who will pay what they think the meal is worth.
Dish of the day winners gets to skate past two eliminations – a worthy prize. They’ll be working as two groups and chaos ensues as they have to pick their own teams. Lauren and Carmine are particularly torn but end up with Duck Nutters and the crew from the Nutters’ restaurant round.
It’s off to Coles to the tune of Barnsey and INXS’s version of Good Times.

So the Black team is Duck Nutters, JP and Nelly, Miners, Laurine and Carmine and the Sisters, and they choose the theme Mediterranean because it covers so many cuisines (well, except the Sisters, but they’re overruled).
The White team is Curlies, Tarq and Dad, Rosie and Paige, Anna and Jordan and Mr and Mrs Chops, who choose Asian, which would be my pick. The stronger cooks of the comp are in this team, and no real drama queens, so they should do well.

White buffet:
Curlies: Red Chicken Curry with red rice and a pickle (and good on her for buying up all the fresh chilli – better to be oversupplied)
Chops: Vietnamese Prawn Salad (will be quick once they shell the prawns)
Dad and Tarq: Roasted pork belly
Rosie and Paige: Five Spice Duck
Anna and Jordan: Satay beef with homemade egg noodles (ooh – brave decision on the noodles)

So, no desserts? Perhaps they had to be mains. Hope the punters at least get a crack at an all-you-can-eat ice cream machine afterwards with some diced jelly.

Black buffet:
Duck Nutters: Crumbed prawns with Mediterranean salsa (Kell’s right – everyone goes for prawns at a buffet)
JP and Nelly (who seem to be the team leaders): Chicken shish kebab with harissa pumpkin (that’s a lot of skewers to thread)
Miners: Filo cups with salsa and grilled peach (sounds weird, guys)
Laurine and Carmine: Spinach and ricotto rotolo
Sisters: Moroccan Lamb Stew (do they have time to do a stew, even in the pressure cooker?)

The black team are so chillaxed they are having a singalong (but Lauren and Carmine aren’t joining in – not that we get to see anyway). It’s a tight squeeze in the kitchens – let’s hope they’ve considered who will need what cooking equipment once service starts.

Mr Chops is defending his use of ginger and garlic from a jar (and, yes, I have those in my fridge for when I’m pushed for time, but you are on a cooking show, guys). He and the missus are laboriously prepping prawns.

It’s all a bit frantic because there are so many bloody teams. The Fass is worried that Rosie and Paige’s duck will be tough, given the tight timeframe. Jordan is madly rolling egg noodles and, if they work, the judges will definitely be impressed. Pete is worried Duck Nutters won’t finish prawn prep in time, but Nelly jumps in to help. Lauren and Carmine debate whether there is enough salt in their dish – given they were criticised for bland polenta last round, they should be upping the salt.
Uh oh – the sisters didn’t properly close one of the pressure cookers. Nelly is looking stressed. Go have a herbal tea, Nelly.
The teams start doing their blackboards and we learn a) Tarq’s Dad has lovely writing and b) Nelly can’t spell rotolo or crumbed. Or Mediterranean. Aargh – it hurts my eyes. Plus, why doesn’t it say Lauren’s Amazeballs Rotolo?

Oh dear.
Oh dear.

Mike and Tarq have a chuckle at the errors. Glad at least one of the teams can spell.

The judges are worried the Miners’ filo cups will go soggy, sitting on the buffet. The Sisters have to cook rice the old-school way, in a pot. “We can’t be the Asians who can’t cook rice,” the younger one says. I’m with them – a rice cooker gives a reliable result and so less messy to clean.
Mr and Mrs Chops have finally finished peeling their 160 prawns and Chops gets onto his jar-based salad – coincidentally just as the judges walk over. The Fass ain’t impressed. I hadn’t realised they’d bought bottled lime juice, too.
As predicted by The Fass, the Besties are having trouble with their duck – it won’t shred easily.
Luckily the Sisters’ Asian cred is saved as their rice works.

With 15 minutes ago, Curlies “need a fresh mouth” to check their curry isn’t too spicy and Rosie gives it the thumbs up. Everyone is frantically plating up. Jordan helps the Besties plate up and no-one has enough room to move. If only they’d been allowed to use both side of the bench.
Time’s up and everything’s sitting there on the bench, going cold away from the heat lamps. It’s time to serve and we see it’s filmed at North Ryde RSL in Sydney.

Time for the White Team judging …
Mrs Chops is doing a good job chatting with the public as Chops lurks in the background. The judges are a bit underwhelmed by the flavours.


Curlies’ curry get the thumbs up from the judges for the spice, seasoning and texture. “I would go back for seconds,” says Colin.


Rosie and Paige’s duck is a bit dry, even with the watermelon, and the judges can’t taste the meat.


Dad and Tarq’s pork belly looks lovely and colourful, thanks to the red cabbage, but there’s not much crunch to the belly and Pete doesn’t like the cabbage. Colin knows they can do better. They’ll be safe.


Jordan is the ultimate salesman for his homemade egg noodles and that should win them a few extra bucks from the public.
“I commend them because I’d written this dish off,” says The Fass, saying the noodles worked but some of the meat was overcooked.


And the Black team …
JP and Nelly’s chook kebabs are moist, says the judges, and they like the harissa pumpkin. As one customer rockin a mad beard sans mo opines: “It’s not a bad feed.”
The judges try Duck Nutters’ crumbed prawns and bemoan the lack of soz. Pete says the chorizo is the star of the dish, and the prawns aren’t crunchy.
Carmine and Lauren’s rotolo looks pretty but it’s hard for a veg dish to win these kind of public-voted competitions, Colin is glad not to be at risk of food poisoning from this pasta. The judges like it.


The line for the White Team’s buffet is long, so Gareth (Man Bun) goes over to try and entice the crowd to skip queues and ends up the target of some young women.
The judges try his filo cup (while the girls want to cop a feel) and discover there’s hardly any filling.
Time for the Sisters’ lamb stew and Colin likes it the texture and spicing. Pete: “Amazing.”

Now it’s time for the public to pay what they think the buffet was worth and, as usual, everyone low balls, given modern RSLs aren’t as cheap as they used to be. One delighted customer says: “Four out of the five dishes were superb, so $12.”
Another woman who looks a character reckons $5 is generous, so the producers take her name and number as a potential 2017 villain.

The judges give their official critique and praise the White Team for an enticing menu. Jordan wins the judges over by interjecting when Pete questions the wisdom of making their own noodles because the guests couldn’t tell the difference between bought and homemade: “Yeah, I told every single one,” Jordan says, to much laughter.
Fass has a crack at the Chopses and, fair enough. Rosie and Paige look knackered and Pete’s “bitterly disappointed” hurts. The Curlies are stoked to hear Pete say their curry was “sensational” and that Colin “couldn’t fault it”.
Mike and Tarq get a mixed review while JP and Nelly get the “it tasted a lot better than it looked”. The Miners make the fatal mistake of not tasting the food and telling the judges they didn’t taste the food. Oh, boys, you’re nice lads but it’s obvious you’re not going far, just like the Chopses.
Carmine and Lauren look anxious and are delighted with Colin’s: “When I tasted your dish, it was bang on.”
Nev is disappointed with the criticism and Kell is as impassive as usual.
Tasia and Gracia are packing it so are relived to hear Pete thinks they nailed it. Colin tells the other teams they are a threat because they did so well outside their comfort sign. Yeah, nice one, Colin, putting a target on their back.
Mitch and Laura get the win and are safe from the next two eliminations and their team is also safe. Yay. Chops have had a lucky escape.
Nelly and JP are devo and crying in the confessional. It must have been a very long day. All members of the Black team will cook for their lives tomorrow.

Tomorrow
The first sudden death cook off tomorrow night will be judged by Curtis Stone – does this mean they’ve pinched Marco Pierre White’s prodigal son from MasterChef? The other teams get to judge, too, so it will be interesting to see how much weight their scores are given.
Which means Zana’s back on TV tomorrow, if not in the kitchen.



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MKR – Tues, Mar 8 – the one without the hairy crackle

And it’s take two for Man Bun and Non-Man Bun from Mackay, Queensland. They seem like lovely blokes but I don’t hold out much hope for them. I want them to do well tonight and at least beat their previous score of 60.

Their menu tonight:
Entree: Spanish mackerel ceviche with chorizo
Main: Fennel-crusted pork belly with five spice pineapple and cherry sauce.
Dessert: Chocolate tart with raspberry and blueberry cream.

Some warning comments from the judges:
Don’t marinate the ceviche fish for more than 5-10 minutes (actually, this depends whether you slice or cube, guys, and what citrus you are using).
Hmmm on the seeming clashing flavours for the main (I’d ditch the cherry sauce).

As with all the redemption episodes, Coles only gets a brief viewing and the lads are in the kitchen on time.

The boys know dessert is their weakness, yet they’ve chosen pastry. In between sneaky tastes of the dough they seem to be working it a lot with their miner man hands in what is no doubt humid weather – hope it’s ok.
They were smart to choose ceviche as once they prep it will take no time at all, but trimming up the fish will be time consuming.
Things are going smoothly and they know this could mean trouble.
The guests arrive and Lauren has been dressed in what appears to be a denim playsuit and platforms while poor Rosie copped long sleeves from the stylist. In Queensland!

At least it's better than Jess's ice skater playsuit.
At least it’s better than Jess’s ice skater playsuit.
Still hurts my eyes. But would we rather have Jess than Monique right now?
Still hurts my eyes. But would we rather have Jess than Monique right now?

The dressed-up miners are in their usual pointy-collared shirts but non-Man Bun has his top button undone – is this a breach of contract?

"Screw you, Channel 7. If I'm going down in flames anyway, I'm going to unbotton."
“Screw you, Channel 7. If I’m going down in flames anyway, I’m going to unbutton.”

The other guests were apparently expecting to dine in a tin shack, sitting on upturned milk crates … yeah, as if. They know they all get a styling budget.

Last time round the lads did an Asian-influenced entree and main, but this time it’s more disjointed – especially the main, which could perhaps work better with duck. They’re rubbing the pork belly with salt, fennel, cumin and paprika. It’s going to make a helluva mess in that oven but … mmm … pork belly.
Here come the judges and it’s yet another tablecloth jacket for Manu – at least single-breasted this time – and I don’t know the background music this time. Anyone? Bueller?


Man Bun is doing the ceviche and says the lime juice needs to cure the fish for at least five minutes, but assures his mate
“I’ve cured this fish overnight”. They settle on 45 minutes. Nooooooooooooooooooooooo! Oh, boys – did you not read the recipe properly?
Rosie has never eaten ceviche before but is keen to try, whereas Hazel has consumed “seh-veechi”. She tells the confessional: “The whole fresh, clean, crisp kind of flavours blow right up my skirt.” Lisa’s face does not betray a flicker of reaction – did she have a botox top-up?
Good Cop is turning bad and saying ceviche is simple. It’s ok, Good Cop; in the kitchen Man Bun is saying it’s not a traditional ceviche. Uh oh. The coconut milk makes it look more like a Fijian kokoda, which is delicious. But then he adds pomegranate seeds. And the fried chorizo (see, Dee, at least these boys know to fry it). And parsley. Where’s the coriander? I thought they’d do the chorizo on top, not mixed in. He’s left the chilli seeds in, which could challenge some diners. Oh, here comes the coriander: three leaves as garnish.
Oh no – I don’t want to see their sad puppy faces as the judges trash yet another of their salad entrees. At least the plates are pretty.

It’s chew time … You can tell Pete like the boys and wishes he could be more positive: “It’s halfway there for me.” The fish is overcured. Manu lays some learning on them with: “If you go to a South American restaurant, it’s done to order. They put the fish in, they put the lime juice, a couple of ice cubes – whack, whack, whack, on the plate – out.” However, he does enjoy the flavours.
Aww, those poor boys.
But they have big fans in Nev, Paige and Rosie.
Not surprisingly, the Cops don’t like it.
Lauren is happy to disagree: “This is the best entree I’ve tried this round.” Well, what was the competition? Pea and ham soup, pan-seared duck breast and raw marron. Stepsies should be the most insulted here, as their duck was pretty good, but Lauren would not give Lisa the satisfaction.
Then we get the quote of the night, as Lisa explains she didn’t eat pork for years, and she needs to sell this line to the writers of the next Kath & Kim series: “I stopped eating it for a very long time. I was once served up a very hairy crackle and it turned me off.”
Even stone-faced Pete cracks up.

"Must ... not ... laugh."
“Must … not … laugh.”

In the kitchen they are having crackling dramas of the non-hairy variety. They have uncrackled bits of pork and don’t know what to do. Non-Man Bun is devo. They cut off a tester (smart move) and put it under the grill, but it burns too much.
They go with the pork as is and the plate looks nice with the colour pop of green beans, grilled pineapple and cherry sauce. (It looked much nicer than the official MKR shot, which is of a piece of uncrackled pork.)

Maybe they will get away with it.

It’s chew o’clock … and poor non-Man Bun looks like he’s facing the hangman’s noose. He confesses he’s not happy with it. Pete: “Well, I’m getting really annoyed. Because you stuff up your simple dishes and your difficult dishes you cook to perfection.”

His trying-not-to-cry with happiness face.
His trying-not-to-cry with happiness face.

Pete: “It’s bloody delicious.” He tells them this was a “courageous” dish and I’ve watched far too much Yes, Minister, where courageous means wrong. Manu tells them the jumble of flavours worked a treat, but they committed the sin of not enough “to-die-for” soz.
In the kitchen the boys high five it out, because they are men. Lisa is relieved to avoid hairy crackle, but she gets one of the chewy, overcooked pieces.
Cops do not look happy. As Paige puts it: “Monique and Sarah look like they’ve swallowed a helium balloon.”
However, their critique is glowing. Ok, girls, but will you score accordingly?

Back in the kitchen the Miners get on to their blind baking with the comforting words “this is all trial and error”. “We’re pretty much worried about everything.”
Still, it’s a refreshing change from Lauren’s “I’m the best at everything” attitude.
Speaking of Lauren, she’s certainly the best at taking the bait Monique has laid out for her when talk turns to strategic scoring. Monique – the calm voice she must use on kids and crims alike – says she and Good Cop would never score strategically (last episode they gave the Stepsies a 5, which was the average guest score). This gets Lauren’s back up and she goes a bit berko: “No, no, no. Someone says to you: ‘Here’s two-fiddy kay [and yes, she’s talking like a gangsta rapper]… it comes down to survival.” The conversation continues and it gets totes awks for everyone else at the table as Feisty Cop speaks in condescending she knows will rile and Lauren falls into the trap of looking like a diva every time. Lauren – you haven’t cooked yet. You need to fake being normal for a bit longer.
Blah, blah … can we see some cooking, please? Even Carmine, who usually backs his missus, is not happy.

It's going to be a frosty plane trip home.
It’s going to be a frosty plane trip home.

Yay – cooking! The guys have got their tart shells out with ease, although some look a little underbaked. Man Bun whips up two berry creams and includes the seeds, which they had actually strained off. They try so hard with their plating and are happy but it’s messy and the ganache is not glossy.
Rosie: “It kind of looks like a blueberry and a raspberry vomited on a plate.” But they know the boys are stoked with their effort.

The judges do the chew … Manu is the one to break the news their plating is terrible. And they are crushed. He likes the creams but think they don’t go with the tart, which has a nice bitterness. But the chocolate filling is thick. And more learning from Obi-Wan Manu of the padawans: Don’t put chocolate tarts in the fridge just before serving.
Pete praises their pastry but the texture of the chocolate “isn’t enjoyable”. He bags out their chunky berry creams, saying the plate looks like Pro Hart’s done it (someone Google him for the young lads, please), when he’s likely thinking of Jackson Pollock.
The guests are also not impressed after the high of the main. This is what Lisa thought of it:

Oh, so she can move her face sideways.
Oh, so she can move her face sideways.

And then Lauren, realising she’s upset people with her “two-fiddy kay” outburst, returns to the tack used in the entree: “I really liked it. I really want the boys to give me a doggy bag.” Carmine thinks “it looked fantastic”. Fakers!

Team scores: Lauren and Carmine 7; Stepsies 5; Cops 5; SA Besties 7; Ducks Nutters 7 (the highest score they’ve awarded this round)
Judges: Entree Pete 5, Manu 6; Main Pete 9, Manu 9; Dessert Pete 4, Manu 5.
Total: 69 (they’re safe and the Cops and Stepsies are in danger).

Tomorrow night
there’s no cooking – it’s just more of the Lauren and Monique show as it’s been renamed My Bitchin’ Rules. What’s that? Rosie and Paige DO cook. Hard to believe.



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