MKR season premiere recap

Ah, MKR. There you are. Where would we be without new reality show cooks to moan about?

Montage and more montage, then Kitchen HQ. How many minutes will it be before someone actually turns on a stove – I’m guessing at least 17.

Manu welcomes the best home “kooks” and says Sydney’s Monique and Sarah are first. Pete does not do much talking – feeling faint from lack of carbs?

The Mt Druitt cops (now that’s a tough gig, so reality TV should be a breeze) start the day right with coffee and pastries. I am liking them already.

Then the paddle boarding, pug-loving one utters the danger phrase: “If we forget anything off that list, this could be devastating for us.” This definitely won’t jinx them because that never happens on MKR.

The judges have a squiz at the menu and don’t have anything particularly nasty to say (kinda hard to be mean about someone whose job is helping victims of domestic violence). The menu is:

Entree: Caramelised onion, roasted beetroot and goat’s cheese tart.

Main: Crispy-skinned salmon with thrice-cooked chips and lemon and dill sauce.

Dessert: Sticky fig and date pudding with white chocolate and coconut rum sauce.

There are three danger phrases here: “crispy-skinned” (hard to achieve when you are amateurs cooking for so many people in a home kitchen; “thrice-cooked chips” (any watchers of MasterChef know contestants always run out of time to deliver on the thricedness of their spuds and instead settle for less posh twice-cooked or, quelle horreur, once-cooked!); and white chocolate, which is not a real chocolate and should be fed only to children who don’t have the palate for the deliciousness that is dark chocolate.

Uh oh – the girls tore their list and can’t remember what’s missing. Luckily they find the scrap of paper on the floor as there are not enough staff to clean up rubbish in this Coles store (or a producer is keeping brooms at bay).

Their instant restaurant is called “Crime and Nourishment”. Wonder if the police theme was pushed upon them – apparently some nice glassware and a few flowers is not entertaining enough for tellie.

It’s tart time. All that beetroot is going to be a pain to peel but at least they have a lovely big oven. The pastry blind baking is not going to plan – more chilling needed, perhaps?

Cut to the guests arriving and Red Lippy Chick is obviously our villainess for the season (although I thought that about Ash last time and she actually turned out to be a bit of a hoot and to have some cooking chops). It is going to be really hard for her to eat without getting a mouthful of her side part.

The girls are still doing prep for the entree and there has been no mention of the fish – let’s hope it’s already pinboned – or dessert. Lippy Chick cements her Evil League of Evil credentials by saying she and hubby are filthy rich lawyers who hate uggerly people. Her soundtrack is Jason Derulo’s “Talk Dirty To Me” and “Maneater” (not the Hall and Oates version, the grindy Nelly Furtado one).Hubby is just a prop in all this.

Poor people smell funny.

Poor people smell funny.

The editors follow this up with footage of normal people, Rosie and Paige from SA (go, home team!). Curly-haired Mitch and sister Laura are the babies at 20 and 18 but they look older.

Back to the tarts … is she not going to trim them? For the love of god, trim the tarts, woman.

Cougar Town, aged 50 and 26, are introduced to the subtle sound of Yello’s “Oh, Yeah … (chick, chicka!)”. Classy. But it’s okay because she’s friends with his mum. The SA chicks confide in confessional that it’s creepy. Yep, SA for the win!

The mum and son from WA are up next … not much memorable here.

Pete and Manu pull up to the strains of Kings of Leon’s “Your Sex is on Fire”. Really, Channel 7? Really? Aren’t we over the “Manu is French and is sooo hot and Pete has twinkly blue eyes” schtick? No, we’re not because after the ad they break out Beyonce’s “Crazy in Love” and some of the female contestants go gaga. Totes embarrassing. Curly Sue starts crying with excitement.

Manu wants them to “raze the barn”. Should he be encouraging arson in front of two police officers?

Lippy Chick sets herself up for future failure by boasting of her tart prowess.

Tart assembly time and the tarts have magically been trimmed. Phew! Uh oh – wooden chopping boards with a balsamic glaze drizzle, so impossible to touch the plate without getting sticky fingers. The serves are large for an entree but at least they’ve dressed the mountain of rocket.  Not much goat’s cheese and no drizzle on the tart itself.

The cameraman whose sole job is to capture shots of the judges chewing finally leaps into action. Ad break and then more of that riveting, expressionless chewing. Uh oh – they’ve gone the glass of water, but  Manu actually likes the flavour, presentation and the pastry. Pete says their nerves got to them – he wanted glaze on the beetroot and more cheese – but it was a decent first shot.

The cops are happy and the guests echo the judges’ comments. Lippy Chick is pulling some awesome “this is gross” faces that she’s been practising in the mirror at home to ensure maximum camera attention. When did she last eat a chip? 2010?

Uh oh, they are having trouble with their skin (called it!).  Manu pops into the kitchen to interrogate them on their chip technique and leaves the mum of four in a puddle of lust on the floor.

It’s salmon time and the chips are now a garnish, not a complement to the fish. Three chips on a raft of salmon swimming in sauce does not fish and chips make. Practise your plating next time, gals. Pete will be happy the dish is mostly protein. The salmon looks a bit over. Manu thinks the sauce needs more love and they are rightly told off for their paucity of potato.

 

Jordan the Son eats like a 14-year-old boy who’s just got home from school.

Dessert time and it’s a wintry one given the summery vibe of their previous dishes.

The guests are getting naughty with the props and if one of the cops lives there for real she is going to have to apologise to the neighbours about the noise. Dessert plating looks fine, with fresh fig to hopefully balance the sweetness of the sauce, of which there is plenty.


Uh oh – Manu says there is too much sauce … whaaat! Oh well, better than not enough. Pete wants more “wow” and a dollop of cream. SA chick: “It’s like the pudding is drowning in the sauce and we need to rescue it.” A sauceboat may have saved them.

Time for scores and I’m expecting the teams to play hardball from the get go.

Lippy Chick and her Plus One: 6

Mum and Son: 6

Curly Wurlies: 6

SA Normals: 6

Cougar Town: 6

It’s 30/50, which is decent. Even Lippy Chick did not want to be the bad guy first up.

Entree: Manu 7, Pete 7

Main: Manu 5, Pete 6 (backing me up on the overcooked salmon – thank you)

Dessert: Manu 7, Pete 6 (seems generous given their comments).

Total score: 68. They should be safe.

Curly Wurlies are up next in Melbourne. See you tomorrow night!

 



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51 Comments

  1. I saw three chips go sailing by…..

    Manu had a “piss of fish”. Not much has changed there.

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  2. I too thought the fish looked slightly over.
    I just spent time with a mirror and can tell you that I am not capable of contorting my mouth into the ugly shapes that Zana can.

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  3. I will have to join you on MKR when I have had a chance to watch. Busy noght tonight….and I missed The Returned. Damn. I will have to catch it on Iview or whatever it’s called.

  4. My favourite line that appeared tonight on screen was what would you score? and go here to score…

    Should read ‘Score blind with only one sense and show intel (judgements from money hungry contestants and fame whores)’.

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  5. Never laughed so much in an MKR episode before. Paige from SA is my new hero!

    Can anyone remember – was the voiceover and background music ever this bad before? Especially the voiceover guy, trying way too hard to be deep and sexy, succeeding in sounding terribly annoying.

    I like the NSW cops but I really hope they get over the squealing and teenage crush quickly.

    • I hit the mute after the faux epic Ben Hur muzak was piped in introduce the hopeful teams (“tims” ,according to mangling Manu). It was overbearingly loud and Ma$tercheffy,

      All that fanfare for salmon and three chips. Surely the guests would be leaving that instant with a chip on their shoulder, too.

      So I haven’t heard the voiceover innovation yet.

      Those cops were squealing like …pigs. Just sayin’

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  6. Also surprised that noone commented how ‘safe’ this menu was. Feel like we have seen these dishes a million times. Crispy skin salmon is top of my list of ‘dishes that they say is difficult but nobody ever fails to do adequately’. Have to agree with Zana on that one – it is just not that difficult.
    The tarts were just four ingredients piled on a tart shell. The hardest was the dessert, but really just cake and two sauces. I did like their presentation – elegant without being fussy.

  7. I thought it was rather boring. And hey, they mentioned “We are going to smash it!”… That phrase will never die on MKR. The menu was boring, the episode itself didn’t really grab me.
    The cougar and her little companion… couldn’t she had at least find an attractive young guy? :)
    And Zana is being groomed into the first round’s villain – how surprising! Not!

    Perhaps tomorrow will get better when the siblings cook.

    • I agree with you Zhee I thought it was boring, I was thinking maybe it was just me and I may have outgrown the show. I was so looking forward to it, I hope it improves.
      See how we go tonight.

  8. Lovely review Juz :).

    It was kind of a dull episode. Not much really happened, the food was pretty average, the contestants were all 1-dimensional sound-bites.

    I remember when one of the policewomen introduced herself as dealing with the domestic violence calls, I thought, wow. That would take a kind of tough personality, and I don’t envy her day job, put it that way. It makes it very hard to be overly critical of them. Part of me groaned at “Crime and Nourishment”, but part of me thought it was hysterical. They seem fun enough.

    I loved the SA friends, they were hilarious. I too thought the Cougar was a little creepy (but more in oversharing intimate details of her sex life with the audience, rather than the age of her partner. The fact her boyfriend “got lucky” after cooking for her for the first time? I neither wanted or needed to know that, thanks). I have a bit of a crush on Jordan (and he has a twin brother? Interesting…). I’m gonna tell myself he’s in his early 20s so I don’t feel too creepy. Still, good genes in that family. I’m sorry :).

    As for Zana … my gosh. Obviously she and her husband are this year’s plant (from the producers) for the sake of drama and ratings, because she seems more like a caricature of an actual person. I’m sure her friends, family and clients appreciated the image she left of herself onscreen. But I sort of want to shake these people, sometimes, and say, “Have you not watched this show before? What ALWAYS happens to the overconfident team?” Obviously they’re gonna crash and burn (and the show is leaving them to cook last. I mean, that’s a foregone conclusion, right there … and once again, it feels like MKR is making chumps of its audience, which I don’t appreciate as much as channel 7 thinks).

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    • I just Googled, apparently Jordan is gay. I was kinda getting that vibe from him during the episode. He’s 22, which means I don’t feel creepy (I’m only in my early 30s, so that’s not so bad), but he’s got a boyfriend, which actually just sort of depresses me. Anyway.

      Actually, further Googling revealed that Matt (the Tasmanian son from three seasons ago) came out after filming his season. I got a vibe from him too! My gaydar never works right, but apparently with MKR contestants it’s right on the money. Go figure.

  9. Is it a bit mean to notice that all the budget for the twisting face mean lawyers has not been spent on poor mr speak little? His teeth are atrocious and seem held together by a piece of metal perhaps from a champagne (french of course) bottle. Or is he just not allowed to talk to give wifey more tv time?

  10. I much prefer the funny comments of the SA ladies or the amusing anecdotes of the cops to Zana’s whinging and being ‘fustrated’ that the food doesn’t meet her standards. When will they realise the villains are actually not the drawcard. (Though they do make good fodder for Paige’s quips).

    • JB loving the SA girls as well. Hopefully others will get more air time than Zana (will have to think of a good name for her) as show progresses.

      Is it just me or is Gianni a ventriloquist puppet and only speaks when she says so. Maybe that explains the convoluted lip action. 😳

      • I think you could be on to something TH – I was beginning to think he was incapable of speech.
        It must be miserable to go through life as unhappy with everything as Zana apparently is.

      • There’s a miniature version of the Sydney Harbor Bridge inside Gianni’s mouth holding his yellowing teeth together. Someone pointed that out this morning. It blows his alpha male jaw out of the water. Unflattering camera angles tonight galore. So sue Ch 7.

        I guess all that mouth metal might make the perfect dessert taste a little bitter. The sheer hide of bagging the dessert after the judges shot their loads.

        That termite was on the money to hang around , there’s a lot of wooden personalities around that table.

        A bucket bong with venison under it was what the entree looked like.

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  11. Yay I figured out how to put a pic next to my name following your links Juz. Thanks heaps.

    The 2 beauties in the pic are my babies Mini Girl (the larger one) and Midget Boy. Both are full grown.

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