Married at First Sight – Mon, Week 3

Many thanks to our MAFS correspondent, Daisy, for her recap:

Tonight the newlyweds meet together at a dinner party and it’s as pleasant was watching Clockwork Orange or Pet Cemetry. Clare and Jono are already divorced, with Clare getting custody of the kids, uncontested. Thankfully Fugly has been spared any more appearances. As Dr Phil says, “You don’t involve the children in adult issues”. Jono tells his mates, Dazza and Guzza, that Clare wasn’t what he ordered, which sounds cold but to be fair, if you told a dating agency you wanted an Amish virgin and they gave you a lap dancer, you might say the same thing. Anyhow, Guzza points out to Jono, “Maybe you’re not what she ordered”, and I suspect he isn’t.

Couples prepare to meet and possibly outdo each other in the loved-up couple contest. Bryce gets excited by imagining little Erin in his grandmothers undies. And Erin wonders why animals always start copulating whenever she walks by. Maybe it’s because she says, “F*ck. F*ck”. Erin is endearing herself to Bryce, me and viewers with her goofy comments. Bob, I think it was Bob, got Erin right. I am liking her. Hands up if it was you who called it first, Bob.

Couples get comfy in their assigned overnight accomodation. Erin and Bryce get the Bat Cave and immediately start checking out the freebies. Kristy and Mark get a beautiful treehouse with views of the lovely Auusie bush. Kristy is all smiles, kisses and cuddles now, which is much more attractive on her than a scowl. Kristy and Mark get pole dancing facilities. Xavier and Simone get a luxurious 2 storey cabin but Simone is not impressed at the producers removing the bush dunny door. They have not progressed to weeing and pooing together.

Gluttons for punishment, (or bound by the producers’ contract), Clare and Jono are back to torment each other some more. They are given a rustic, romantic bush cottage but it’s not enough to get these two kissing again. I would say it’s really over between these two, but for the sake of filming obligations they bravely soldier on.

At this point the sexperts interject to say, “The dinner party is where couples get to compare themselves with other couples”, which really shows how little they know, because comparing yourself with others is for losers. It will either make you smug, envious, or feeling inadequate. The couples arrive at dinner, the women wobbling through the bush on spike heels. It doesn’t take long for the tension between Clare and Jono becomes obvious, especially when they arrive at the party separately. But both try and hold it together, and I know that this will last only until someone dares to ask them how things have been. It’s Kristy who goes first with the questions, and now it turns to animosity. The more they speak, the angrier they each become. I like both Clare and Jono, but Clare just doesn’t recognize her habit of criticizing Jono and attempting to educate him as though she is the Dalai Lama. Clare needs a very different type of guy. One who likes getting dog poo thrown at him, and self-improvement lessons from his girl friend.

Things for Clare and Jono go from bad to worse, and Clare has to excuse herself for a cry. Lovely Simone is the girl who has to run after the girl who runs off crying. You all know the drill. Simone is beautiful, inside and out. With Simone’s encouragement, Clare regains her composure and rejoins the table. She also resumes her criticism of Jono.
She said she wanted to have sex, but Jono was a ghost husband. Jono said, regarding sex, “You’re damned if you do and you’re damned if you don’t”. Once the other couples start probing for information from Jono and Clare, Jono tries to be diplomatic but Clare starts bagging Jono and you can feel he wants to explode, but he holds back.

Couples start sticking up for Jono. Xavier tells Clare, “Let him speak”. Kristy says, “Give Jono back his balls”. But winner of the Dr Phil and Judge Judy straight shooting award goes to Erin. Little Erin jumps in with her pearls of wisdom and insight, and tells Clare that she kept criticizing Jono, and he had not spoken ill of her. She does it with such directness, yet with a certain charm that leaves Clare unable to take offence. Yes, whoever it was who said they liked Erin (Bob I think), I am a convert. She is a gem. I mean Sh*t, she is a gem. She really has spunk.

So couples return to their cabins to mull over the evening. Most to feel thankful that they aren’t Clare and Jono. We don’t see Clare. She’s done. But Jono is in his spa, alone. In spite of Clare’s earlier accusation that only she was in it for love Jono is disappointed that it didn’t work out. He poignantly removes his wedding ring for the cameras. My guess he already chucked it four days before. Please producers, give these two another shot at reality love….but not with each other.

Next week couples meet the parents and it looks like more tears and broken hearts are in store. I genuinely feel sorry for Clare and Jono. They are the collateral damage of sadistic producers who set them up to fail. Jono needs a small brunette who doesn’t preach, and doesn’t throw poo or dead snakes at him, then call him a sissy. Clare needs a brute who is scared of nothing, hates feel-good cartoons and will throw dog poo back at her.

So viewers, which holiday accomodation did you like the best. And who did YOU like tonight? Who will last? And would you date a preacher? Face with stuck-out tongue and winking eye And why did Woolif look at me funny when I said Clare nagged too much? 😑