Tag: Pete Evans

MKR Wed, Feb 10 – the new teams

Well, here we go with a batch of fresh faces with names I can’t be bothered learning. First up are the miner mates, and I think we’ll just call them Man Bun and The Other One. They live in Mackay and look like they are enjoying their bromance, working hard and playing hard. They want to open up a bar and grill, so hopefully they have been saving their mining pennies.

Man bun alert.
Man bun alert.

Entree is crab miang. What? Where’s Curly Sue when you need her. Dr Google says it’s a Thai or Lao snack, wrapped in a leaf. Looks kinda san choy bao-ish.
In Coles they buy some packaged duck, then ask a staff member if they buy a whole duck, will he carve some breasts off for them. They must know this guy, because the meat at Coles and Woolies here often looks like it was carved with a drunk wielding a chainsaw.
The boys can’t find the canned lychees for their curry (Don’t fresh lychees not grow up north? Am I making assumptions just because it’s Queensland?). A staff member offers to help them, just t remind you it’s a TV show and not real life.
I like that they are serving it with cauliflower rice for something different – I wonder if they are paleo advocates? Pete will be happy not to be eating white rice.
Dessert is lava cake and it sounds pretty much like a chocolate fondant, so why ruin it with white chocolate sauce? Contrast it with some sharp fruit flavours instead, boys, or there will be sugar overload. At least we can be sure they won’t pull a Zana and use the Cadbury’s. It’s a tricksy dessert to pull off. I would have just called it chocolate cake, and then if the ooze worked, call it a fondant.
Entree: Miang of crab, coconut, mint and citrus
Main: Roast Duck with lychee red curry and cauliflower rice
Dessert: Chocolate lava cakes with white chocolate sauce
Back home the lads set up their industrial-themed restaurant on the back deck and it’s all corrugated iron, hessian and dead branches.
Uh oh – they’ve eaten an hour into their cooking time. Luckily Asian is a quick cook once you get the prep done, although prepping the crabs will take a while.
Man Bun is in charge of the mortar and pestle and says: “I think I’m going to freestyle this curry paste.”

Now the guests arrive and we meet Jessica, our new villainess, wearing what appears to be strappy pink sandals with thigh-high socks …. in Queensland. What is the stylish thinking! What is Jessica thinking!

Sorry for the dreadful pic. MKR has yet to upload the episode to yahoo. Actually, the outfit looks better blurry.
Sorry for the dreadful pic. MKR has yet to upload the episode to yahoo. Actually, the outfit looks better blurry.

The guests approve of the decor. The Sisters think the Miners look more like hipsters, and they’re spot on – hipsters who work out a lot and drive big cars instead of riding bespoke bicycles.
We meet the other couples. The Italian mates quibble over who is the more Italiano and apparently are not a couple. Nev and Kell are the Tradie and Cleaner (what, no snappy name for them, MKR? Just call them The Aussies, already) ARE a couple. Nev wants to serve something that’s “the duck’s nuts”. Next are the Lovebirds who are all cutesy wootsie and sweet as pie – I’m still waiting to see if the girl one blinks because it looks like she may not. One of the Sisters likens them to a Disney couple.
Now it’s time for the geography game to see what everyone’s heritage is. Two Italians, a Croats, an Argentinean, Polish and Indonesian (the Sisters – hopefully we’ll get some terrific spicy food).
Jessica and Marcos are the mates from Melbourne who are fitness fanatics and were self-proclaimed “popular kids” at school. Yes, the producers definitely want us to hate them.
Jess: “I’m good at everything I do, because I’m an achiever.”
She eats to fuel her body and that means no fried food or chocolate.
The judges arrive and the Miner boys are all smiley and nervous and the other guests are excited, but no-one is hyperventilating like in group one.
Jess points out the dessert does not fit with the Asian vibe of the entree and main and she’s right, but she loses her fellow guests’ respect by saying she doesn’t like chocolate. She makes a few clipped comment and Pete enjoys baiting her.
In the kitchen, the boys are plating their miang, and it’s definitely not the traditional bite sized snack. Nor is it tp be wrapped in a leaf and eaten. The Other One is worried there is too much heat in the dressing so he doesn’t put much on. Yes, because a dry salad has never been a problem on MKR before.

At the table Jess notes the oranges have not been segmented, which is something you wouldn’t bother with for your mates but is a cheffy thing you should be doing to impress the judges. Her manner is abrupt but she’s making good points – it’s just that the first instant restaurant is not the most tactful place to do it. Would this salad usually be served with green papaya or similar rather than citrus?


Chew time … Pete says they didn’t deliver and wonders where the dressing went. Manu says they had orange overload but needed to balance their ingredients more, with more crab.
The boys look like sad puppies, especially when they get back to the kitchen and see their huge amount of leftover dressing.
Nev gets a few bits of shell but talks the boys up for having a go. The Sisters agree the crab was done well but more spice and sourness was needed. Manu enjoys telling Jess the white of an orange is called a pith.
It’s on to mains and now I’m wondering why the boys are using duck breast for their curry instead of legs on the bone, which have more flavour. They try their curry and are worried there is not enough of a kick, so add more chilli.
At the table Italian Sans Hat is not a fan of sweet with savoury (not coming round to my place for apricot chicken, then), but the Sisters know red curry duck with lychees is a classic dish.
And then Jess admits “I don’t really eat rice … I don’t eat many carbs”. No surprise, really, but again, this is a cooking show. And then the big proclamation: “I don’t allow myself to be addicted to anything other than exercise and healthy living.” (I do note she seemed to be drinking white wine before). Aww, don’t you just love her already? Zana, please hand over your MKR’s Next Top Villain sash to Jess.
However, she says she will try anything unless it looks like it is going to make her sick. Hmm, how would she have fared at Cougar’s table?
Jess has never eaten duck before and she may not get a chance tonight, as the boys look to be overcooking the duck. Why didn’t they crisp the skin first? Are they going to pour curry sauce over that crispy skin? Oh no, it’s a duck curry with the duck on the side. And a sprinkle of coriander for green – not even a stalk of bok choy to lift it. You are going to be crucified, lads.
Before it’s even chew time Pete looks underwhelmed and rightly so.


Manu is feeling that extra raw chilli burn in his throat and notes they look stressed. He thinks they’ve done well with the cooking of the duck. It’s not an awesome curry but it’s ok. Pete wants the skin crispier and says they nailed the cauli rice. It’s not hard Pete – you just grate cauli and chuck it in the microwave to steam.
Ok, I’m wrong, the curry was well received so good on you, boys.
Now it’s chocolate time and Manu pops in to offer advice/turn the screws. Uh oh – I’m seeing Cadbury Melts on the bench. What do these people have against fancy cooking chocolate?
The boys make some honeycomb to go with their lava cake, which they claim is technical but isn’t. I hope they are serving cream or something to cut through all this sweetness.
Is Italian Sans Hat flirting with Manu? Pete looks jealous.
The other guests find Jess’s anti-chocolate stance totes awks, but she says she will give it a go. How courageous.
The lava cake tester obliges by oozing, but they are faffing around while the other cakes continue to cook in the hot ramekins.


Pete digs the spoon in and gets lava but Manu’s is moist – not molten. Pete likes the cake but says the whole dish is overly sweet (yay, I was right with one prediction at least). Jess is not going to like this. The guests get mixed levels of ooze and find it too sweet. Jess has chopped her cake into bits in search of a protein bar and come up empty handed: “If this was a restaurant in the real world I wouldn’t have stayed after the entree, to be honest.”
Hatted Italiano is being, well, Italian in his disappointment at the lacking lava: “I was thinking about a dramatic event …Pompeii .. people running from a … natural disaster. But what I taste was only the ashes.”
The announced makes yet another mining-themed pun which I shall ignore and it’s on to the scores.
Lovebirds 5; Italians 5; Jess and That Guy 5; Aussies 4; Sisters 6. (All fair scores, especially since Nev got several pieces of shell in his meal). Total 25/50. The boy are gutted but trying not to show it.
Judges: Entree Pete 4, Manu 5; Main Pete 8, Manu 8; Dessert Pete 6, Manu 4.
Total: 60. Probably a bit higher than they deserved, but they were the first ones out of the blocks so deserve a little leeway.

That’s it for MKR this week. Up on Sunday are the NSW Italianos and the gents look fab in their colourful ties and jumpers. The stylist is razing the barn on Jordan’s wardrobe. And we know they get at least one good score because Pete and Manu are raving over their pasta. But enough of celebrating excellent cooking, in MKR land it’s all about the drama and our new villianess is stirring the pot. Again, she’s strangely dressed. While the stylists went heavy on Zana’s makeup at least they always gave her nice outfits to wear. It’s implied she has a dig at Manu for unhealthy eating habits, but we’ll have to wait and see the context. One of the miners (the non-man bun one) calls her on her attitude so it will be one awkward dinner party.

More to come.



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MKR – Tues, Feb 9 – Can Zana cook?

Who’s watching Zana and Plus One tonight? Still 10 mins til it starts here in SA, darn it.

So we start with the editors reminding us Zana and Plus One are super smart, scuccessful and rich yadda yadda.
Zana: “Whoever said money can’t buy happiness, just doesn’t know where to shop.”
She’s Albanian, from Montenegro, and he’s Italian so I’m hoping to see some dishes that are new for me, with my boring Anglo Saxon heritage with its rubbish cuisine.

Some geography smarts coming at you.
Some geography smarts coming at you.

It’s off to the shops they go and Zana looks much nicer dressed “down” but they still have the make up slapped on her.
The self-confessed germaphobe teachers Plus One the correct onion selection technique.
“It’s extremely important that the onions need to be double layered, because if they’re exposed, babe, that’s germs.”
I can tell she’s never been on public transport, or she’d be dead from fear.
The pita entree sounds easy, but then we learn in Albania they make it from filo pastry, which I know from GBBO is not so easy to make and you need a tonne of bench space.
Mmmm … main is liver. I’d happily eat it but I can’t help thinking of that immortal Silence of the Lambs line: “I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti.” I think most of the guests – especially those with Maltese heritage and the Curlies – will just dig in. Manu and Pete sound worried about the guests’ reaction. I’m more worried about them being overcooked.


Driving home they have to pull over because the horn on their car gets stuck blasting at full tilt (much like Z herself). Plus One, are you sure this is your car or did you borrow it to look good on the show?
Their restaurant looks stylish in black and white and they have photos of their grandparents looming over everyone – they look a bit like those portraits you see at some funerals. Did Zana choose white so any specks of dirt would be easy to spot? Definitely not termite-infested moss placements here.
They enter the kitchen on time and Zana gets on to the pita while Plus One does the dough for the dessert, krofne. Google says this is basically a jam doughnut.

Entree: Albanian pita with beetroot hummus
Main: Crumbed calves livers with Albanian peppers
Dessert: Krofne with hazelnut ganache

Zana mentions she is using a recipe of her Nonna’s, but Nonna doesn’t use measurements. Uh oh – we know what that means … It doesn’t feel right – is what we saw in the ad going in the bin? Looks like it. Take two us also stuffed so she gets out the Kenwood and is happy with take three, but she’s wasted over an hour and still has to roll, butter and stretch everything. The finished pastry is filled with feta, eggs, yoghurt.
They haven’t started mains yet but the livers should be a quick cook.
Zana is starting to crack under the pressure. The pita isn’t cooking underneath – can’t she just turn on the bottom element? She takes it out and leaves it one the stove with a tea towel draped over it – wouldn’t this send the steam back down to make the pastry soggier?
The guests arrive and it’s all diamantes and lace, with the blokes in black tie (except Jordan gets a cute spotty one). Poor Plus One – that’s going to be make for sweaty cooking.
Zana cuts and the pastry and … it’s perfect (and she’s an expert on perfection). Here come the judges and Pete didn’t get the memo about black tie. Zana is worried about kissing them because she smells like garlic. I’m surprised Manu doesn’t have his own cologne range, Eau de Garlique.
The guests have a squiz at the menu and Cop 2 is squeamish about the liver.
In the kitchen the couple are happy with the beetroot hummus and utter a key danger phrase: “It’s exactly how we always make it.”
At the table, kudos to Curly Sue, who knows what Albanian pita should look like. She must have been boning up on her culinary knowledge – what a crazy idea for a cooking show contestant.
The plated up entree looks simple but the pastry looks lovely and flaky and they’ve added some colour to the beetroot hummus with pistachios and herbs. Does it need a little rocket salad, too, for freshness?


Some of the guests are pleased to see Zana and Plus One looks rattled, and Cop 1 is relishing the prospect of Zana taking a fall.
The judges go in for the chew and … Manu says “I hate to say but I’m devastated.”
Cut to ad break. Oh, Channel 7, you can’t fool me. You’ve taken a leaf out of Channel 10’s book, when Matt Preston threw a dish on the floor of the MasterChef kitchen and proclaimed it “disgusting … {lengthy ad break] disgustingly delicious”.

And we’re back and Manu finishes “… that I don’t have any more to eat”. You didn’t fool me, Manu! Zana tears up with happiness and her crying face is even more fun to watch than her disgusted face. What mascara is she using? It’s sticking like glue.

You were right, Zana - you're a rock under pressure.
You were right, Zana – you’re a rock under pressure.

zana3

zanacry
Manu: “I’ve got nothing negative to say.” Pete is also full of praise.
The guests enjoy it, even with the pow of garlic.
Cop 1 is in anti-Zana mode and doesn’t like the salty feta, nor the garlicky hummus. Realising this is her chance t justify a low score, Cougar backs her up.
In the kitchen it’s offal time. Zana drains the milk off in the sink and please tell me they are not reusing that washing cloth that’s sitting in the sink after they’ve drained bloody liver milk over it.
At the table some guests are feeling icky about the liver. Suck it up, people! You are meant to be foodies and this is when MKR fans start getting the shits with you.
Back to the kitchen and they’ve forgotten they have something in the oven. Oh, crumbs! Smoke pours out. It’s the breadcrumbs.

Quick, grab a glass cloche and trap it.
Quick, grab a glass cloche and trap it.

As it turns out, the crumbs are fine and it was just spilt beetroot jewses on the bottom of the oven burning.
Plus One does veg prep very slowly (and he’s annoying me by swiping it into a bowl with the sharp blade of his knife rather than reversing it to use the dull edge – quickest way to blunt a good knife) while Zana crumbs and fries the livers.
The guests are doing Geography 101 and Curly Sue, the youngest, is the smartest one in the room. The livers look yum but Zana rejects the suggestion for more seasoning – danger, danger!
The people scared about trying the liver need to pretend it’s a tasty schnitzel, which is what it looks like.


As she watches the judges chew, Zana does the “I need to do a wee dance” and looks super nervous.
Manu calms her down by saying this is the best possible way for someone to try liver as the unsuspecting won’t know it is. Turns out, that’s exactly what she did to Plus One, but he loves her for her tricksy ways.
Manu has one small criticism that it needs a touch more salt (as predicted). Pete is effusive with “wow”, “perfection”, next level” and “I’ll remember this dish for a long time”.
It looks smashing and is exactly the kind of dish I’d order when out, because I love figuring out what all the ingredients are in unfamiliar dishes. However, the editors are playing quirky, off-kilter music so, who’s going to spit the dummy?
No, it’s a classic MKR misdirect.
Paige: “I love liver. I also love yoghurt and onion and crumbs.” Rosie and the Curlies agree. Cop 2 is on board and Cougar Town know they are going down.
In the kitchen, it’s dessert time and Zana wants the filling to resemble Nutella so she is using Cadbury’s Dairy Milk. Urgh – it’s oily sweet stuff designed for the palate of five-year-olds. Grow up and embrace your dark side, Zana.
The melted chocolate is dangerously close to Plus One’s crisp white cuffs.
Manu pops into the kitchen to give them a pep talk: “We’ve had a brilliant night so far – don’t ruin eet.”
Cue obligatory jokes about cops and doughnuts.
Curly Bro is finally getting some airtime tonight – hope they try him with a man bun soon.
Zana is micromanaging the frying of the doughnuts and making Plus One nervous. They do a taste test and are pretty happy. Plus One is loving having some control for a change when he gets to wield the piping gun. Zana is in charge of espresso shots to go with the krofne.
It looks tasty.


I’m glad they’re doing doughnuts as it’s reminded me to whip out this beauty from the Italian bakery down the road to sustain me for the rest of this recap.

Hole lotta love.
Hole lotta love.

It’s Chew O’Clock … and Pete questions whether it’s enough for a dessert. Maybe it needs to be an affogato with hazelnut gelato. Sage advice. Manu slams their quality of chocolate, so he won’t be doing ads for Cadbury any time soon.
The guests mostly love the doughnuts (even Cop 1) but the boys wanted more and a swiftly sinking Cougar pulls out the ultimate insult: “It tasted like a doughnut you could buy at a store.” Ouch!
Time for the scores but, darn it, it’s off to kitchen HQ to find out who’s been eliminated. Usually we at least get to hear the guests’ scores, so they are obviously safe as they only have to smash 31.

Judges: Entree Pete 10, Manu 10; Main Pete 10, Manu 9; Dessert Pete 8, Manu 8.
The guests’ combined score – wish they would reveal the individual scores – is 42/50 for a grad total of 97. They are on top of the leaderboard, and deservedly so.
Since Cougar Town are now the dearly departed, we’ll call them Cheryl and Matt. They’re disappointed but take it well.
So tomorrow night it’s on to the new batch of victims: The Italianos, The Miners and Jessica – they’re the only ones we need to know, according to the ad.



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MKR Week 2 Monday night

mum_jordan

Tonight it’s WA’s turn, and I’m looking forward to see what Jordan is wering, but whatever happens tonight is just an amuse-bouche for Zana and Plus One’s effort tomorrow night.
We officially meet Mama Anna has been married for 33 years and has four sons, whom she loves equally. Jordan: “I’m top two, though.”
Anna is Maltese she gets her thrills feeding other people. She and Jordan plan that their instant restaurant will leave everyone with a food baby as a parting gift. I don’t think this is such a good thing.
They hit the butcher first for their pork belly for the snags and rabbit for the braise, because the only bunnies at Coles are the choccy ones in the premature Easter section.

Entree: Baby octopus with spicy pork sausage, potato and salsa verde
Main: Dad’s braised rabbit with pappardelle
Dessert: Imqaret with orange blossom ice cream

It all sounds divine. What the heck is imqaret? Pete, Manu, please explain? Actually, it’s Jordan who explains it’s a Maletese date biscuit, and Mama Anna hopes it all comes off because they are her Dad’s fave dishes.
Mama: “You’re always so positive.” Jordan:”I’m a proton.”
Their restaurant is European themed “Mama knows best” so there are olives everywere, wine barrels and -I swear this is what Jordan said, channeling Manu – “little momentums from their past”.
They are on track and ready in the kitchen when the clock ticks to 3:00, so they’re already an hour ahead of the SA Besties.
Mama is cooking octopus and admits it can be tricky but “don’t worry, I’ve cooked it tonnes of times – it’ll be fine”. Uh Oh – is that the MKR kiss of death?
Jordan is making gelato from 18 egg yolks. Mama wishes he would measure for a change. He is putting a lot of orange blossom water in and they love it, but it may be confronting for a newbie palate.
Mama is ensuring the rabbits are fur free, so Zana doesn’t hyperventilate.
Jordan shows he’s handled a few sausages in his time (sorry, couldn’t resist), but his filling technique is impressive. It looks good.
Poor boy then has to peel and chop 30 onions. The rabbit goes in the oven and they appear to be on track.
Here come the guests and I like the way Cougar has been styled for once. Cop No. 1’s mum is Maltese and she says they’ve done a good job with the decos, but she still doesn’t know where Malta is.

Thank goodness for Google Maps it's that island in the middle.
Thank goodness for Google Maps; it’s that island in the middle.

Back in the kitchen and Anna has a bag of Coles brand flour on the bench right next to a name brand flour. Then she pulls out another band, presumably 00 flour, for the pasta.
Jordan tips duck fat all over the prepped chips – yummo! And tonight for the first time we have twice-cooked sausages: in the oven and then the chargrill. They disagree over the manner of sausage slicing and Mama wins.
Everyone else is dressed for Perth weather but the poor judges have to sweat it out in suits. Mama needs to skol her glass of red before she can answer the door.
Jordan tells the guests they are going for a family vibe with that feeling of being full and in the belly and “getting the meat sweats”. Is that what we really want to hear.
Zana gives the menu grudging respect and says she’s glad they have competition-worthy dishes on there, but of course she is going to smash it even harder.
Jordan is having trouble with his salsa verde – too much acid. But they tweak it and feel they’ve rectified the tartness.
The occies are whacked on the chargrill for caramelisation and it’s time to plate. Salad leaves (yes – they looked dressed for a change) but then they put hot chips on top and wilt it. It’s not the prettiest looking dish but has interesting flavours.


And the judges go in for the chew …”Did you meck your own zossage?” Oui. Good, but they needed more salsa verde and cutting the zossage meant the fat leaked out, leaving them dry. Pete liked the flavour of the zossage but agrees with Manu. The judges tell them to stick to traditional ways of serving food.
The cops are happy with the occy; Cub actually gets to speak by himyself and Cougar is hoping for a main course disaster to save them. Zana says the flavours are familiar to those of her own cultural background but they stuffed up the snag, and she makes it way better. Where’s the soz? she bemoans of the occy.
Cop 1, Zana’s arch nemesis, isn’t happy: “To be honest I was zoing out.”
Back in the kitchen and the sauce isn’t reducing as much as they’d wish, but there’s another disaster looming. Jordan didn’t put the lid properly on the ice cream churner and half the mixture has ice crystals in it.
Jordan works to salvage it while Mama makes pappardelle ribbons using the pastry cutter handed down from her mum. They quibble over how much pasta to allow for each person. The soz is too watery, so they tip it off to reduce it.
Cop No. 2 must be worried she’s going to be eating Thumper: ” This may sound silly, but do they already come de-furred?”
Luckily Zana is a rabbit pappardelle expert and tells everyone what to expect.
Mama and Son plate up and, damn, it looks good. This photo doesn’t do it justice.


It’s chew time … Pete tries to scare them by asking if they’d tasted it: “Mama, you knocked me off my chair. That sauce was just profound.” The only tiny negative for him was the meat was a bit dry. “I’m loving eet. I’ll come buck tomorrow. The pasta are great. The rabbit is nice and jew-say.” So, 10 from Manu and 9 from Pete?
More importantly, what does Zana think? “It’s good. This is definitely the dish that has impressed me the most throughout this whole competition.” Plus One wants to have a Pasta Off, so you know he’s going down hard.
In the kitchen it’s dessert time and Jordan is not 100 per cent happy with his ice cream’s texture,but he is still going to serve it because he wants everyone to have a big scoop. Noooooo, Jordan – this is when you buy some cream or mascarpone at Coles as a back-up option.
Back in the dining room, poor Cougar is “not a big fan of ice cream”. Is that because she thinks it should be made with condensed milk?
Curly is afraid it will taste like soap due to the orange blossom and it’s a fair call, given we see Mama sloshing it into the bickie filling as well.
The pastry looks lovely and thin and we see the bickies are made by frying them. Ice cream flaws aside, they are the only team to serve proper ice cream that hasn’t melted by the time it hits the table.
Curlies can’t wait to dig in and are thinking Mama and Jordan could knock them off the top of the leaderboard.


Cue the chew … Manu: “I’m very satisfied one more time.” He likes the contrast of the warm biscuits and cold ice cream, but … Jordan knows the ice cream is to blame. Pete is happy, too. If they’d got the ice cream right it would be the best dessert in MKR history (Nic and Rocco, eat your heart out).
Curly finds the ice cream soapy on its own, but when combined with the bickie it’s yum. Even Zana likes it, so it must be delicious. Plus One has been watching too much How I Met Your Mother: “Challenge accepted.”

The scores: Cougar Town 9; Cops 9; Besties 8; Zana and that random guy 9; Curlies 8. Thumbs up to everyone for fair scoring, especially Cougar Town, who have a lot to lose. Total: 43/50
Judges: Entree Pete 7, Manu 7; Main Pete 9, Manu 10; Dessert Pete 9, Manu 9.
Total score: 94
Anna tears up at the thought her dear departed Dad’s recipes have been so well received.They now top the leaderboard by five points.
Tomorrow night it’s off to Victoria to see if Zana can cook. The promo shows them heading off to the shops in some sporty car and getting pulled over. Sucked in.



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MKR recap episode 3

I was going to do a live recap (SA time) of tonight’s Cougar Town episode but I had to poke my eyes out after that glimpse of slinky nightie cleavage in the first minute. I’ll resume recapping when I’m able.

In the meantime, comment away!

Okay, I found some prosthetic eyes and am ploughing on …

Whoops ... baps for brekkie. (Sorry)
Whoops … baps for brekkie. (Sorry)

The preview made this episode look like a trainwreck and, while MKR has been known to misdirect us, it’s looking like the truth from the get go. I really don’t need to see people, regardless of their age, calling each other “sexy bum” in a 7.30pm time slot. Cheryl and Matt seem to be lapping up the Cougar and Cub tags and are equally icky towards each other.

The menu is revealed and it’s retro a go go because Cheryl is like, you know, old. Well she’s not, really, and she’s a well-groomed lady, but in TV land lady years she’s practically dead.

Entree: Chicken caesar salad

Main: Grilled swordfish with pea puree and tarragon sauce

Dessert: Chocolate seduction pudding with poached pears and cinnamon ice cream

They decorate their restaurant by exploding a rainbow and hiding a few whoopee cushions. I can’t wait to see Pete’s face if they put one on his.

Her ice cream is made from condensed milk, which is a very 70s thing to do. And she bought a tonne of brown sugar. It is going to be soo sweet. I’m predicting this is the one Pete says he can only have one spoonful of.

Matt (the Cub) says the menu is “bold”. Take the “b” off the front and he’s right.

Danger, danger – they are making the caesar salad croutons with bought bread and, umm .. chilli? In a caeser.

Oh lord, the sauce has fresh tarragon, dried tarragon and cornflour!

This is hot on the heels of a team that smoked venison, used wild boar and tempered their own chocolate.

And yet they are going to the effort of shelling their own peas, which for a puree is  a waste of time given they are under the pump – it’s not like they are being eaten fresh in salad.

OK, have to polish my artificial eyeballs … rest of recap to follow soon.

And we’re back …

Instead of breaking the ice the guests are breaking the wind but they seem to be loving it, especially Jordan, who wants to be Cheryl’s new gay BFF.

Back in the kitchen and the bacon is both burnt and underdone but that’s cool because Matt wanted different textures and Cheryl’s spin is that it gives people a choice. She’s great at faking confidence and positivity. Is she a realtor?

Matt gives the croutons a bath in a litre of oil.

Zana can’t wink for fear her eyelash glue will set while her eyes are shut.

The judges arrive and, sadly, there are no exploding bum noises – that must come after the meal.

The record menus look cool and when Cougar explains the dessert is designed to lure men Manu tries extremely hard to keep a straight face.

Matt is in charge of cooking the chicken and fails miserably. He’s been taking cues from MasterChef contestants. Luckily Cougar realises it’s raw before the guests get salmonella.

The guests are pondering what the salad twist will be but our villainess Zana is freaking out because she does not eat lettuce that has not been grown in Cloud Cuckoo Land, in case it has dirt on it. Why would a germaphobic go on a cooking show?

The poached eggs look good but there is no sign of the lettuce being washed (unless it happened off camera). Is a producer on standby to gently place a speck of dirt on Zana’s plate?

“Make sure that they’re odd, babe,” Cougar warns as Cub plates up. This actually means “make the plates look like a dog’s breakfast”. My local supermarket presents its packaged salad better than this and they only charge seven bucks. Cougar Town garnish with fresh rosemary, which is pretty much inedible. It is a lot of food for an entree.


Plus One is being kind when he says “presentation is lacking”.

The judges go in for the prolonged chew …

MORE RECAP TO COME … STAY TUNED

Pete goes in for the kill: “It didn’t look attractive. Was it pleasant to eat? Not really … The dressing … It’s thin? It’s got a very strange taste to it.” The bacon isn’t crispy, chicken dry and the chilli croutons are a miss. “If I got served that a restaurant I would never go back.” Cougar Town are devo and the other teams find it totes awks.

Zana can’t bring herself to taste it but Curly Wurly Laura puts on a brave face and talks it up.

Onwards and upwards to mains. Plus One gets to speak again. What – that’s twice in one episode!  His wife tells a hilarious story about a teacher saying she should pursue a career as a dictator. Paige is loving peppering her with questions, baiting her.

Cougar says the swordfish is perfectly cooked, which is the kiss of death. Plating is much better than the entree and the puree looks vibrant, but they need to flick off the fresh tarragon.

We cut from the masticating Manu and Pete to a promo for the SA girls’ instant restaurant and the food looks divine. Go you good things! Back in the dining room and Manu says the overcooked fish is like tinned tuna. He  likes the carrots, even with skin, but there is dirt visible on them. (Zana is having a panic attack out of shot). The sauce is too sharp and the puree has not been seasoned. Rookie mistakes abound. So now we know they were definitely cast for entertainment value, much like the Captain and whatserface last year. Pete makes them feel a little better by saying his fish was perfect but it’s downhill from there.

Why did no-one tell me vegetables grow in dirt?
Why did no-one tell me vegetables grow in dirt?
Will Gillette sponsor the next episode to rid us of hirsute veg?
Will Gillette sponsor the next episode to rid us of hirsute veg?

Zana does not like hair in her carrots, only in her face. Paige is on fire: “You know when you have a sandwich at the beach and a bit of sand got in it …”

They haven’t started poaching their pears yet – dessert is going to take forever, or they’ll serve them undercooked (another MasterChef motif). Most of the other teams are rooting for the Cougars to stage a comeback but it’s looking unlikely.

BEAR WITH ME; BACK IN A TICK

At least their ice cream is frozen. “It’s not meant to have a strong flavour,” Cheryl says as she gives him a taste of pear. So, it’s bland, then. The caramel is smudging their balloon glasses and I feel for her at this stage, because she knows she’s on a losing streak but is putting on a brave face for the camera.

Cue the chew … Manu says it tastes like cinnamon, not chocolate but Pete can’t hide his disdain when he says: “I’m trying to find something I like about this and there’s nothing.” Ouch! Manu slams the faux ice cream and flavourless pears: “As a dessert as a whore, deez appointing.” Cheryl looks mortified.

Guest scores: Mum and son 3; SA girls 3; Zana and Plus One 3; Cops 4; Curlies 4. Generous, really. They made the cops look like Michelin chefs. Total 17/50.

Judges: Entree Pete 3, Manu 4; Main Pete 3, Manu 2; Dessert Pete 1, Manu 1. Grand total 31.

Is that lower than anything we saw last year? Cougar takes the criticism gracefully.

Oh, so Sunday’s episode is actually Mum and Son and it looks like they serve a delicious main. Thank god – people who can cook!



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MKR episode 2 recap

Alex & Gareth (QLD)Alex & Gareth (QLD)
Anna & Jordan (WA)Anna & Jordan (WA)
Cheryl & Matt (QLD)Cheryl & Matt (QLD)
Gianni & Zana (VIC)Gianni & Zana (VIC)
Jessica & Marcos (VIC)Jessica & Marcos (VIC)
JP & Nelly (QLD)JP & Nelly (QLD)
Luciano & Martino (NSW)Luciano & Martino (NSW)
Mitch & Laura (VIC)Mitch & Laura (VIC)
Monique & Sarah (NSW)Monique & Sarah (NSW)
Nev & Kell (WA)Nev & Kell (WA)
Rosie & Paige (SA)Rosie & Paige (SA)
Tasia & Gracia (VIC)Tasia & Gracia (VIC)

It’s Tuesday night and time for the second, hopefully more impressive, round of MKR.

It’s the Curly Wurlies and the establishment shots will make everyone want to visit Mornington Peninsula in Vic. Gorgeous. Wikipedia says their home town of Shoreham only has 400-odd people.

Being farm kids they are big fans of nose-to-tail eating so let’s hope they serve up some offal. Who’s most likely to declare they don’t eat offal …  There has to be one.

Entree: Smoked venison

Main: Roasted Wild Boar

Dessert:  Black Forest Mousse Cake

They are smart not to list every ingredient of the dish on the menu, as teams are always marked down for leaving off elements. Uh oh, the butcher does not have the right cut of boar and we know Coles will be no help.

Back home and the clock is already ticking. Love the nature-themed decorations after last night’s cop kitsch.

Curly Sue is only 18 but she is smart appointing herself head chef AND both have tied back their hair – hooray.

They churn their ice cream first, which is smart. Their dessert sounds fabulous – chocolate and cherry are a match made in heaven. It’s time to get changed and they don’t seem to have prepped entree or dessert.

Here are the guests – please tell me Zana (Lippy Chick) is going to stack it in a puddle in her white dress. Darn it – she’s makes it. Cops Monique and Sarah have to play catch up getting to know the others. Lawyer Zana continues her fine form of last night with: “Every police officer I deal with is horrific.” Yeah, smart move when they’ve yet to score your food, Zana.

Entree is actually smoked venison, roasted beetroot, blackberries, mushrooms and a mustard mousse. These kids have been watching modern English cooking shows. It’s no goat’s cheese tart. The venison looks to be different sizes which could prove tricky, as it’s a quick-cooking meat.

Ding dong – judges! Curly Sue tries not to fangirl over Manu this time.

While the guests are peckish they refrain from nibbling on the termites that crawl out of their mossy placements. Zana’s face is, yet again, priceless. Plus One is definitely the spider killer of the couple.

Urgh ... food made by uni students.
Urgh … food made by uni students.

Rosie and Paige from SA again prove they are the queens of the confessional, coming up with the one liners. Paige bets Manu $10 there will be smoky theatrics with the entree and we know from the ads she’s right.

Oh no – the venison is way over. It’s going to be tough. Their plating is so pretty, even before the cloches filled with smoke go on. Will the smoke impart enough flavour, though?

The judges are chewing, chewing when poor Curly Sue realises she forgot the jus. Never forget the sauce, Curly Sue! When the ads are over I just know Manu will look at her with his sad French eyes.


Here we go … Manu loves the theatrics of it all BUT he misses the jus and the meat is not rare. Pete gives them props for having a real crack at it.

Roasted boar with sauteed carrots, duck fat potatoes, celeriac puree, cranberry sauce and a red wine reduction. It’s a really autumnal-sounding dish and – hooray – a team is doing a decent serve of vegies.

Zana doesn’t like pig, just because. This could be the first of many things Zana doesn’t like, followed closely by No. 2 “keeping her trap shut”.

Curly Sue left the boar in the pan too long but thinks she got away with it. Because it’s the wrong cut they have to pan sear instead of roasting it as described on their pared-back menu. So next time their menu will just read: Meat. More Meat. Sweets.

Even though they ditch their gross-tasting jus the plate looks lovely. Pete gives them a mild roasting over their meat but is still delighted by the dish, despite not liking the cranberry sauce. Manu is pro-sauce but also wants a jus. He has high hopes for their future dishes.

Zana likes the boar – ehrmagerd!

Dessert time and Curly Sue shows off her chocolate tempering skills – nice and glossy.

Cougar Town ensures the others have room for dessert by making them do a little vom-vom in their mouths with descriptions and actions of her kissing style.

Surfer Mitch is packing  it that he has to flip the mousse cake but he does well. Again their plating works well but they have to have to plop melting ice cream on to each plate. Did they leave it under the camera lights for too long? Just call it a chocolate sauce, kids.

You can tell Manu is happy with the chocolate crack ( a noise up there with pork crackle crunch and creme brulee crack). Pete says the mousse cake was perfect but that the ice cream, molten or not, was unnecessary. However, Manu says it was all good, and he’s “sin a lot”. Sadly the barns have been set tonight, not razed. The others love the dessert so, strangely, Zana says it left a bad taste in her mouth.

Scores are Paige and Rosie 9; Mum and Son 9; Zana and Plus One 8; Cougar Town, 8; Cops 7. Total 41/50.

Good to see fair scoring – they were so much more ambitious than the cops.

Judges’ scores: Entree Manu 6, Pete 7; Main Manu 8, Pete 8; Dessert Manu 10, Pete 9.

Curly Sue AKA Laura and her bro are stoked to get the first 10 of the comp, making a total of 89. They are easily safe.

Next time it’s Cougar Town, whose names are Cheryl and Matt and it looks like it is going to be a trainwreck, so  good  viewing.

 

 



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MKR season premiere recap

Ah, MKR. There you are. Where would we be without new reality show cooks to moan about?

Montage and more montage, then Kitchen HQ. How many minutes will it be before someone actually turns on a stove – I’m guessing at least 17.

Manu welcomes the best home “kooks” and says Sydney’s Monique and Sarah are first. Pete does not do much talking – feeling faint from lack of carbs?

The Mt Druitt cops (now that’s a tough gig, so reality TV should be a breeze) start the day right with coffee and pastries. I am liking them already.

Then the paddle boarding, pug-loving one utters the danger phrase: “If we forget anything off that list, this could be devastating for us.” This definitely won’t jinx them because that never happens on MKR.

The judges have a squiz at the menu and don’t have anything particularly nasty to say (kinda hard to be mean about someone whose job is helping victims of domestic violence). The menu is:

Entree: Caramelised onion, roasted beetroot and goat’s cheese tart.

Main: Crispy-skinned salmon with thrice-cooked chips and lemon and dill sauce.

Dessert: Sticky fig and date pudding with white chocolate and coconut rum sauce.

There are three danger phrases here: “crispy-skinned” (hard to achieve when you are amateurs cooking for so many people in a home kitchen; “thrice-cooked chips” (any watchers of MasterChef know contestants always run out of time to deliver on the thricedness of their spuds and instead settle for less posh twice-cooked or, quelle horreur, once-cooked!); and white chocolate, which is not a real chocolate and should be fed only to children who don’t have the palate for the deliciousness that is dark chocolate.

Uh oh – the girls tore their list and can’t remember what’s missing. Luckily they find the scrap of paper on the floor as there are not enough staff to clean up rubbish in this Coles store (or a producer is keeping brooms at bay).

Their instant restaurant is called “Crime and Nourishment”. Wonder if the police theme was pushed upon them – apparently some nice glassware and a few flowers is not entertaining enough for tellie.

It’s tart time. All that beetroot is going to be a pain to peel but at least they have a lovely big oven. The pastry blind baking is not going to plan – more chilling needed, perhaps?

Cut to the guests arriving and Red Lippy Chick is obviously our villainess for the season (although I thought that about Ash last time and she actually turned out to be a bit of a hoot and to have some cooking chops). It is going to be really hard for her to eat without getting a mouthful of her side part.

The girls are still doing prep for the entree and there has been no mention of the fish – let’s hope it’s already pinboned – or dessert. Lippy Chick cements her Evil League of Evil credentials by saying she and hubby are filthy rich lawyers who hate uggerly people. Her soundtrack is Jason Derulo’s “Talk Dirty To Me” and “Maneater” (not the Hall and Oates version, the grindy Nelly Furtado one).Hubby is just a prop in all this.

Poor people smell funny.
Poor people smell funny.

The editors follow this up with footage of normal people, Rosie and Paige from SA (go, home team!). Curly-haired Mitch and sister Laura are the babies at 20 and 18 but they look older.

Back to the tarts … is she not going to trim them? For the love of god, trim the tarts, woman.

Cougar Town, aged 50 and 26, are introduced to the subtle sound of Yello’s “Oh, Yeah … (chick, chicka!)”. Classy. But it’s okay because she’s friends with his mum. The SA chicks confide in confessional that it’s creepy. Yep, SA for the win!

The mum and son from WA are up next … not much memorable here.

Pete and Manu pull up to the strains of Kings of Leon’s “Your Sex is on Fire”. Really, Channel 7? Really? Aren’t we over the “Manu is French and is sooo hot and Pete has twinkly blue eyes” schtick? No, we’re not because after the ad they break out Beyonce’s “Crazy in Love” and some of the female contestants go gaga. Totes embarrassing. Curly Sue starts crying with excitement.

Manu wants them to “raze the barn”. Should he be encouraging arson in front of two police officers?

Lippy Chick sets herself up for future failure by boasting of her tart prowess.

Tart assembly time and the tarts have magically been trimmed. Phew! Uh oh – wooden chopping boards with a balsamic glaze drizzle, so impossible to touch the plate without getting sticky fingers. The serves are large for an entree but at least they’ve dressed the mountain of rocket.  Not much goat’s cheese and no drizzle on the tart itself.

The cameraman whose sole job is to capture shots of the judges chewing finally leaps into action. Ad break and then more of that riveting, expressionless chewing. Uh oh – they’ve gone the glass of water, but  Manu actually likes the flavour, presentation and the pastry. Pete says their nerves got to them – he wanted glaze on the beetroot and more cheese – but it was a decent first shot.

The cops are happy and the guests echo the judges’ comments. Lippy Chick is pulling some awesome “this is gross” faces that she’s been practising in the mirror at home to ensure maximum camera attention. When did she last eat a chip? 2010?

Uh oh, they are having trouble with their skin (called it!).  Manu pops into the kitchen to interrogate them on their chip technique and leaves the mum of four in a puddle of lust on the floor.

It’s salmon time and the chips are now a garnish, not a complement to the fish. Three chips on a raft of salmon swimming in sauce does not fish and chips make. Practise your plating next time, gals. Pete will be happy the dish is mostly protein. The salmon looks a bit over. Manu thinks the sauce needs more love and they are rightly told off for their paucity of potato.

 

Jordan the Son eats like a 14-year-old boy who’s just got home from school.

Dessert time and it’s a wintry one given the summery vibe of their previous dishes.

The guests are getting naughty with the props and if one of the cops lives there for real she is going to have to apologise to the neighbours about the noise. Dessert plating looks fine, with fresh fig to hopefully balance the sweetness of the sauce, of which there is plenty.


Uh oh – Manu says there is too much sauce … whaaat! Oh well, better than not enough. Pete wants more “wow” and a dollop of cream. SA chick: “It’s like the pudding is drowning in the sauce and we need to rescue it.” A sauceboat may have saved them.

Time for scores and I’m expecting the teams to play hardball from the get go.

Lippy Chick and her Plus One: 6

Mum and Son: 6

Curly Wurlies: 6

SA Normals: 6

Cougar Town: 6

It’s 30/50, which is decent. Even Lippy Chick did not want to be the bad guy first up.

Entree: Manu 7, Pete 7

Main: Manu 5, Pete 6 (backing me up on the overcooked salmon – thank you)

Dessert: Manu 7, Pete 6 (seems generous given their comments).

Total score: 68. They should be safe.

Curly Wurlies are up next in Melbourne. See you tomorrow night!

 



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MKR premiere

And here we go again: It’s almost MKR time! Putting this up so those in the eastern states who get it first can start chatting when ready. Here’s a preview that just went up on Twitter of contestants crying over Manu – and that’s before he’s scored their dishes.



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MKR – My Kitchen Rules

How skinny is Pete? Does Manu have enough sauce? This is the place to chat about MKR disasters (remember the bought curry paste?) and triumphs. The new season starts Monday, February 1 on Seven.

So, who is the new judge? There’s a bit of chatter it may be Rachel Khoo. If you watch the new SBS food channel you’ll see her Kitchen Notebook shows.

Here’s the promo (love the dress):

And here’s a link to her website with some photos of her. http://www.rachelkhoo.com/books/rachel-khoos-kitchen-notebook What do you think?

And here are the team blurbs as per the official MKR website (here’s the link https://au.tv.yahoo.com/my-kitchen-rules/teams/#page1). What, only one SA team this year? Are Adelaide cooks holding out for MasterChef?

QLD: Best mates Alex and Gareth are almost each other’s shadows. From Mackay, they live together on the Sunshine Coast and both work in fly in/fly out mining jobs. And these 25-year-olds have both been saving in the hope of chasing a food dream in the near future.

QLD: Hailing from Brisbane, sales/marketing manager Cheryl and student Matt are used to people misinterpreting their relationship. Mum-of-one Cheryl, 50, has been happily dating 26 year-old Matt for the past 18 months and says he won her over with his chicken Caesar salad.

QLD: For Nelly, 25, it was love at first sight when she met her new boss JP, 30. Luckily, after leaving the job love blossomed along with a healthy appreciation of nutritional food. Now “tea obsessed” Nelly wants to wow the MKR dining table with her tea-infused menu along with some help from her beau, who just happens to be the son of a French chef.

VIC: Facebook is to thank for Jessica and Marcos following their food dream and applying for MKR. Childhood friends, they lost touch after Jessica, 30, moved. But these old Sydney school friends reconnected online and discovered their shared love of healthy eating after Marcos, 29, also migrated to Melbourne. Now they’re ready to rattle the competition with their raw and nutritious menus.

VIC: Siblings Mitch, 21, and Laura, 19, may be the youngest cooks in the competition, but you won’t find many teens dishing up offal quite like these pair. Avid fans of nose-to-tail cooking, they are inspired by the great produce surrounding their rural Mornington Peninsular home. Both students, they are yet to decide where their future lies but the lure of the kitchen is hard to resist at times.

VIC: Siblings Tasia, 26, and Gracia, 24, can fight like the best of sisters, but they say it only fuels their passion in the kitchen. After growing up in Indonesia, India and Australia, these homely cooks have very big international influences on their cooking style. Just don’t tell anyone they fear they can’t cook rice without a rice cooker!

VIC: Newlyweds Gianni, 27, and Zana, 24, don’t do things by halves. About to open their own law firm in Melbourne, these high achievers have the MKR title in their sight. And they aim to win it while educating viewers on traditional Montenegrin food.

SA: Mum-of-two Rosie, 37, and best friend Paige, 34, love nothing more than a gossip in the kitchen. There they are happy to experiment with creating flavourful healthy food and with a wine in hand they can “solve the world’s problems”. The next step in their future is a wedding event company for Rosie, and a providore for Paige.

WA: After meeting each other two years ago, Nev and Kell found they shared a passion for food. Nev, 48, a control room attendant, thinks it’s the “duck’s nuts” to be on MKR. No need for prize money, he would’ve done it just for the apron says cleaner Kell, 44.

WA: Anna, 55, was destined to have one of her four sons grow up to be her sidekick in the kitchen and Jordan, 23, is happy to take up the role. Although her young apprentice has a few of his own ideas on making Anna’s traditional Maltese and Italian dishes a tad healthier.

NSW: Workmates Sarah, 26, and mum-of-four Monique, 33, bonded over their love of food in their stressful office. As police officers, work is serious and coming home to cook is a good relaxer for these two.

NSW: Luciano, 49, was one of the first people Martino, 48, met when he moved to Australia 11 years ago. After dancing the night away at Mardi Gras, they became instant friends and began throwing Italian dinner parties showcasing authentic dishes for their lucky friends. Now as they approach 50, they are ready for a big change and cooking just might be the answer.



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