Tag: Manu

MKR – Sun, March 13 – the one that could be Lauren’s Sure Shank Redemption

Tonight is Lauren’s chance to see if she can improve upon her seafood pasta in a bag.

What score do we think the cops will give her?

RECAP BEGINS
I’m off to a late start (had a four year old not wanting to sleep), so recap will be bitsy tonight.
We start with a reminder of Lauren’s MKR history (how could we forget, Channel 7, when you promo her antics relentlessly) and the shots of her cooking to the tune of Eminem’s Lose Yourself – the theme from 8 Mile. Yeah, Lauren’s a scrappy underdog who grew up trailer trash and has come on a cooking show to prove herself. Perhaps these lyrics relate to the after effects of the aforementioned raw seafood pasta?
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
There’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Oh, yeah, and there are a few shots of Carmine, too. We’re reminded two teams will be eliminated tonight as none of them are “seff”.
We’re reminded they are from Adelaide with shots of Glenelg, Adelaide Oval, Rundle St and the bridge over the River Torrens… Pity the brilliant Central Markets did not get a guernsey.
They start with a morning smoothie (what’s the go – are they hoping to open a juice bar after MKR?) and we get flashbacks of their seafood disaster, so at least we get to see the lovely Rachel Khoo again.
Oh yay – they ARE at the Central Market getting their seafood. Please cook it properly this time, guys, and show off the beautiful SA produce. They also get their lamb shanks from a local butcher, then head to Coles.

THE MENU
Entree: Saffron cockles and mussels and croutons
Main: Oven-baked lamb shank on soft polenta with gremolata (if we were out and saw this on a menu, this is exactly what Mr Juz would order)
Dessert: Lauren’s famous mud cake (really – another cake? Someone, please do a panna cotta or a pav at least)

It sounds good but the main is going to take a long time to cook, so they’d better motor. We’re reminded they previousy scored 51, which was the lowest score of the remaining teams. So if the judging twist turns out to be “most improved”, they are in with a shot.
EXCEPT when they finally get in the kitchen the clock already says 2:38. Not good, guys.
They get started on the lamb stock and cleaning the seafood and, to the tune of Fame, Lauren starts making her famous mud cake, and at least we saw her buying decent Lindt chocolate. Only after the cake is in the oven does she start the gelato – it’s looking like it will be another MKR puddle ice cream.
And here come the guests and the Stepsies are back in their twinning outfits. Urgh. Paige and Rosie look nice but the Miners are back in their too-tight, too-buttoned-up shirts.

They always hide Nev and Kell in the middle.
They always hide Nev and Kell in the middle.

It’s a bit awkies with the greetings, despite Lauren being the kindest, nicest contestant in the history of MKR.
Carmine welcomes the guests with: “We hope youse have a lovely evening.”
They head back to the kitchen to take the cakes out and OMG they haven’t even browned the shanks yet, and they will take at least two hours to braise in the oven, and given they are doing so many, more like three. Lauren’s not fazed: “I don’t actually care. They can just wait because these lamb shanks are going to be perfect.”
Famous last words, Lauren.
And then, uh oh, they ordered 14 lamb shanks and they only have 12 so they don’t have spares for a tester. Lauren is rushing and the shanks aren’t that brown by the time they go in the oven.

And here are the judges and this is the first time Lauren and Carmine have cooked for them. They run through the menu and we learn Kell does not eat mussels and cockles (and Paige is not keen, either). We know Ducks Nutters will score low anyway, so it won’t make a difference. At the table the Stepsies remind everyone of last round’s disaster in a bag. Talk turns to who’s on the bottom and Man Bun Miner puts his foot in it, saying there could be some strategic scoring from people looking to save their skin.
Lisa is not happy that he was looking at someone (I think the Cops) when he said it. Shut up, Man Bun!

In the kitchen Lauren is making croutons out of shop-bought bread. This is the woman who bagged out other teams for using shop-bought breadcrumbs! Come on, Lauren: If you haven’t grown the wheat yourself I don’t want to know about it.
In the dining room Monique and Lisa have foot-in-mouth Miner in their sights and he is wishing he could hide under the tablecloth right now, until Hazel steps in as the voice of reason: “I think we just need to stop it and move on.” She seems like quite a nice lady – if only she had a different MKR partner.
Lauren is wisely separating the seafood from the hot broth so she can check if it’s cooked and they actually taste it this time. It’s a generous serve for an entree.


Lauren is confident of the outcome as the dish is “amazeballs”.
It’s chew o’clock … And Manu is happy they cooked the seafood with respect: “Fantastic, beautiful, gorgeous.” They kept it simple and delivered. They are rightly stoked and Carmine is tearing up. “Liquid gold,” says Pete. “If you travelled through parts of the Mediterranean, that’s what you’d get in a beautiful seaside restaurant. Just like that.”

The guests taste and Kell at least tries a mussel, then makes a face. Hazel: “I’m in love with this dish; I could inhale it.” Paige is converted to shellfish. Kell is not but she at least she makes it clear the dish is not to blame. Nev loved it, as did Feisty Cop.

In the kitchen, it’s time for a Manu pop-in and he asks Carmine for a cup of leftover broth.

"He likes me - he really, really likes me!"
“He likes me – he really, really like me!”

“Do you want a take-home pack?” Lauren asks. Yes, he does, and they put aside a container full for him. They are ecstatic. Now I really want to taste that broth! Hopefully they’ll start a broth stall at a market near me somewhere. Remember Jessica (as in Bree and Jess) from a while back? She runs a stall at a groovy market not far from my place and has just launched her own line of cake mixes in SA’s excellent Foodland supermarkets http://www.messyjessy.com.au/
Lauren and Carmine get to work on stirring their polenta and then fossick through their lamb shank trays for a piece of meat that’s fallen off for them to taste. They are happy. However, just because one scrap of meat is cooked it does’t mean a huge shank is. They plate up and don’t put much soz on. Where’s the soz guys? I would have liked some token broccoli to green it up.
Says Lauren: “This is our Sure Shank Redemption.” Yep, a producer totally just told her to say that.


Chew time … Manu says the meat is falling off the bone, the soz is a bit too thick but the polenta is way bland. Pete criticised the lack of soz, especially given the lack of seasoning in the polenta.
However, Man Bun is in heaven, picking up the bone to chew the last shreds of meat and suck the marrow out with a straw. “I’m getting into this bone like a ravaged [that’s what it sounded like] dog.” One of the others hands him their bone to suck.
And then Monique discovers hair on her plate, but when she is asked what she thinks of the dish she says it was divine. Kell calls BS on her for not being honest but, interestingly, Monique says she didn’t mention having a hair in her dish at a previous restaurant. Do we know where this was? I only remember Lauren getting a hair from Stepsies.

Lauren is checking on her famous cakes and she’s happy. She’s making a mirror glaze and for a while it looks as though the chocolate has seized, but she’s panicked too early and it seems fine.
They plate up and it’s all rather basic, with three teeny drops of coulis. Where’s the soz? Where’s a crunchy element? The ice cream looks overly frozen.

Time to chews: Pete says the sugar in the icing has not dissolved and the ice cream is icy and flavourless. Manu says the cake does not have the muddy texture it needs: “It’s a pleasant dish to eat, but it’s far from being perfect.”
The guests echo their comments and Monique is glad to finally let it rip. But it’s Lisa who goes for broke: “I think the ice cream is icy. It tastes like one of those $2 home brands. I would be embarrassed to put my name to this …” This is the woman who served lime cream pie with green food colouring and a sorbet slushie at her last instant restaurant.

Time to score … but we don’t get to see the team scores because it’s off to Kitchen HQ we go to finally find out the twist.
Entree Pete 9, Manu 10; Main Pete 7, Manu 7; Dessert: Pete 4, Manu 5.
Guest teams total: 33/50. Total: 75 – second place on the leaderboard.

And now to the twist … Yes, it’s determine by how much you have improved. Everyone is frantically trying to do the maths in their heads. Monique knows she’s done for.
It’s a bit rough on the teams who performed ok in their first round.
The Cops and Stepsies are gone, so, phew, there goes some of the drama.
scoreboard

And here come all the remaining teams and there are so many people I’d forgotten (Curlies, Chops, Sisters, Sweet Nellie and Whatisface who went looking for brulee torch gas). It’s going to take forever to get through this lot.
Zana and Plus One, Dad/Mates and Italianos are announced as safe for the first round as they won their initial rounds.
The promo shows some kind of Olympic Stadium challenge, then says that for the first time they’ll have to work together. Really – MKR is finally getting on the MasterChef team challenge bandwagon? They usually suck – I much prefer the individual rounds. Guess they have to up the drama with Stepsies and Cops gone. And I AM looking forward to seeing Zana cooking near a cow. Germs! Eeek!



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MKR – Wed, Mar 9 – the one where Rosie and Paige try to redeem themselves

Ok, time to see Paige and Rosie’s beautiful friendship and witty one liners (and, hopefully, yummy food) overshadowed by the drama of Feisty Cop and Villain Lauren. Can we just hurry up and get to the part of MKR where teams get to cook for the public?
The SA Besties start the day determined to be top of the leaderboard, so the music editor throws in a late 80s classic: New Kids on the Block’s You Got It (The Right Stuff).

And the music just gets better with Roxette’s Dressed for Success (and yes, I had the cassette of the album: Look Sharp!).

The judges are doing their preview bit and Pete is delighted to see a menu that flows, after the Miners’ trip around the world last episode.
Entree: Spiced lamb filo rolls with yoghurt sauce
Main: Chicken shawarma with hummus and flatbread
Dessert: Orange and almond syrup cake
It all sounds delicious but I’m wondering if they will make their own filo? They did it once on Great British Bake Off and it is labour intensive and required a tonne of bench space for the stretching.
They whip through Coles and after a visit to a crazy-haired butcher for chicken thighs, they are home.

Take a butchers at his hair.
Take a butchers at his hair.

And again they are running late, getting back to the house once the clock has started ticking. Geez, you make it hard for yourselves, girls. Luckily their setting up does not involve any broken signage this time so they are in the kitchen as the clock ticks 2:40.
Paige says their mantra is: “No stress, be calm, got each other’s backs.” As head chef Rosie tasks her with creating the dukkah for the entree.
Rosie gets on to the dessert and gets a double yolker for luck. Hopefully this means their ice cream won’t be glop this time.

And here come the guests to – of course – T Swift’s Bad Blood and Lauren and Carmine are leading the pack. (If any SVU fans have not seen the Bad Blood clip, check it out for a cameo by Olivia Benson )
However, there’s been a wardrobe malfunction: The Stepsies are not dressed alike. Was there a last-minute change after one of Lisa’s eyebrows melted off her face and stained her planned outfit?

"Where's my Daughtie? Look at moi, stranger in non-matching clothing."
“Where’s my Daughtie? Look at moi, stranger in non-matching clothing.”

In the dining room Rosie and Paige give their happy families spiel and Ducks Nutters and the Miners are pleased to be there, but the other three teams hate each other (well, that’s what it’s edited to look like and Hazel’s too upbeat to join in), so conversation is awkward and the Miners (who were stuck in the kitchen last time) don’t know what’s going on.
Feisty Cop is happy to fill them in because she likes to kick the hornet’s nest, and hornet Lauren is still defensive. Ad then they start arguing over whether or not Lauren is raising her voice. Lauren to Feisty: “You can’t throw that in my face because you did it the other night and you’re doing it again now.”
Then she tells the confessional: “Thanks, Monique, thanks for firing me up .. I can’t wait til you come to our instant restaurant because we are aiming for the top of the leaderboard and we are going to smash it out. How do you like them apples.”
Umm, she can’t wait because she is going to poison Monique with uncooked seafood? What does she think will happen? She will force Monique to give her a high score by the sheer brilliance of her cooking?

In the kitchen Paige is cooking some delicious-looking spicy lamb mince and – oh, sorry – it’s back to the drama, which probably lasted all of two minutes in real life but has now been going on for donkeys years because Channel 7 promoted the heck out of it.
Monique: Stop pointing your finger. Lauren: Don’t tell me what to do, Monique.
I’m waiting for Monique to say: “If you can’t be nice, young lady, go to your room.”
Here come the judges so we’ll finally get some peace and quiet. And, perhaps, some cooking. It does worry me the Besties are still cooking the filling for their filos, as it will have to cool before they can bake the pastries.
The guests peruse the menus and are surprised to see the Middle Eastern flavours.

In the kitchen Rosie makes her marinade for the chicken (wouldn’t that have been good to do earlier?) and she mixes up the paprika with cayenne pepper and the taste blows their heads off. Luckily before she chucks it out Paige tells her to do the bleeding obvious and add yoghurt to mute the spiciness.

Monique wants them to have minced their own lamb and made their own yoghurt. Given the latter takes at least four hours, it’s not really doable in the MKR timeframe. And, yes, they could have minced their own lamb but then we wouldn’t have got the footage of the Coles butcher who just happened to have a trolley of mince when they needed it.
The girls are determined not to freak out and stuff up like they did last time. They plate up their filos with a nice tumble of dressed rocket and it looks a bit underwhelming, but could well be delicious.

Cue the chew … Pete: “You’ve entered the competotion with this dish because you were cooking with love. The lamb filo roll was to die for.” And Paige bursts into tears – a common reaction for people speaking with Pete.
Manu’s turn: “It was good.” Manu, you are terrible at these fakeouts.. “It was great.” Manu loved it but wished they had a few more buttery layers of pastry.
Hooray – finally some good news for the Besties and in the kitchen they do a happy dance and hug it out.
At the table everyone loves it – Man Bun is in heaven – even those who were hoping for a disaster to save their own skins. In the confessional, Feisty says: “It’s like a bittersweet mouthful.” At least they aren’t doing the talking it down thing.

The Besties start prepping the elements of their chicken shawarma and at the table – and in the editing – there is much innuendo involving the word shawarma. To illustrate its supposed filthiness we get Ginuwine’s Pony (which IS filthy), which inspired a lot of grinding action in mid-90s nightclubs.

None of the guests is sure what shawarma is. Kell cuts to the chase: “I think it’s a fancy way of saying a kebab.”
But we’re in SA at the moment, so let’s call it a yiros, please.

In the kitchen Paige is blithely blitzing hummus while Rosie cuts chicken, pan-fries chicken and pan-fries pita bread, all while trying not to give anyone salmonella. And she burns it all. Making hummus is a dead-easy two-minute job. Why doesn’t one of them cut all the chicken while the other cooks it, then one person can fry the bread why the other makes hummus? Simple.
Rosie is starting to freak out, just when things were going so well. Go stick your head in the freezer and take some deep breaths, Rosie. Instead, Paige makes her dance it out (she’s been watching too much Grey’s Anatomy) and wisely takes the helm of Rosie’s gorgeous six-burner stove. Rosie gets it together and they plate up on round chopping boards, which is exactly what my local Middle Easter cafe does. They’re not happy with the bread but decide to serve it anyway. They are worried about the spiciness of the kitchen but with yoghurt, hummus and salad as sides it should be fine.


Chew o’clock …
BUT WAIT – WHAT’S THIS. It’s an MKR ad about the twist. “None of you are seff,” intones Manu and we cut to a picture of Ducks Nuts, Cops and Lauren and Carmine. Guess we have to wait til Sunday to find out.
Back to the chew … And Manu gets to speak first for a change. But then Rosie starts talking the dish down, while Paige wishes she could gag her. Manu: “I think this is an amazing dish. The flavors are just dancing, jumping.” He agrees the bread was rolled too thinly. Pete says it’s one of the best chook dishes he’s had in the comp. And there are more tears from Rosie. Yay. They are on track to beat Nev and Kell and their uncooked marron.
Again, Man Bun is loving it. The Cops are less thrilled, saying there was not much skill involved. Serious;y, girls, if the judges praise a dish, you look like tools when you bag it out. And then we get a Pot-Kettle moment from Lauren: “Be a good sport about it.”
Hazel was loving it but then she gets a piece of raw chicken. Not good – why couldn’t the Cops get that bit.
In the kitchen the girls are testing their massive orange cake – two smaller cakes would have been easier. And then Rosie realises she forgot to add the almonds to the icecream, so they have to stir them by hand, which will delay the freezing further. The cake is looking great but the icecream has an inconsistent texture. They want to ditch it and Rosie offers to whip some cream, but Paige wants it served plain. You need something “wet” on there – are you out of yoghurt? Make a quick almond praline to jazz it up.
Instead they scoop out smaller quenelles of the successful scoops and for some reason plop them on the plate next to the hot cake. Why not clean off their icecream serving dishes and put them back on there, even if they did look small? Better than molten lava on the plate.


Luckily the cake looks divine.
Time to chews … “It works,” says Pete. “It’s moist, it’s full of flavour.” He would like more syrup. Manu stresses it’s a simple dessert and the ice cream’s texture is wrong, but the cake is right.
Most of the table likes it, but, the Cops find their orange cake too orangey. Man Bun miner is frustrated by the comments, yet polite: “I understand this is a redemption round and I think a lot of people are trying to hunt for something negative to say.”
He’s a nice boy.
The girls are definitely the best cooks of the round thus far but the teams are obviously suss about the looming twist and some are scoring to save themselves. Credit to the Cops and Lauren for not lowballing as hard as Nev and Kell.

Team scores: Cops 6; Ducks Nuts 5; Miners 10; Stepsies 3 (Yes, it’s low and strategic but on MasterChef raw chook gets you booted from the comp ASAP); Carmine and Lauren, 7.
Judges: Entree Manu 8, Pete 9; Main Manu 8, Pete 7; Dessert Manu 8, Pete 8.
Total score: 79 (top of the leaderboard, eight clear of Ducks Nuts, so Cops and Stepsies are still in the bottom two).

The girls are stoked – go South Australia!
And we get another twist promo for Sunday, with Manu proclaiming: “Hole is not what it sims. None of you are seff.”
What, do they have to do some instant cook-off to add to their score?

And now we have a break to catch our breath and prepare ourselves to watch Lauren cook on Sunday. And to see Lisa attack poor Man Bun.



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MKR – Tues, Mar 8 – the one without the hairy crackle

And it’s take two for Man Bun and Non-Man Bun from Mackay, Queensland. They seem like lovely blokes but I don’t hold out much hope for them. I want them to do well tonight and at least beat their previous score of 60.

Their menu tonight:
Entree: Spanish mackerel ceviche with chorizo
Main: Fennel-crusted pork belly with five spice pineapple and cherry sauce.
Dessert: Chocolate tart with raspberry and blueberry cream.

Some warning comments from the judges:
Don’t marinate the ceviche fish for more than 5-10 minutes (actually, this depends whether you slice or cube, guys, and what citrus you are using).
Hmmm on the seeming clashing flavours for the main (I’d ditch the cherry sauce).

As with all the redemption episodes, Coles only gets a brief viewing and the lads are in the kitchen on time.

The boys know dessert is their weakness, yet they’ve chosen pastry. In between sneaky tastes of the dough they seem to be working it a lot with their miner man hands in what is no doubt humid weather – hope it’s ok.
They were smart to choose ceviche as once they prep it will take no time at all, but trimming up the fish will be time consuming.
Things are going smoothly and they know this could mean trouble.
The guests arrive and Lauren has been dressed in what appears to be a denim playsuit and platforms while poor Rosie copped long sleeves from the stylist. In Queensland!

At least it's better than Jess's ice skater playsuit.
At least it’s better than Jess’s ice skater playsuit.
Still hurts my eyes. But would we rather have Jess than Monique right now?
Still hurts my eyes. But would we rather have Jess than Monique right now?

The dressed-up miners are in their usual pointy-collared shirts but non-Man Bun has his top button undone – is this a breach of contract?

"Screw you, Channel 7. If I'm going down in flames anyway, I'm going to unbotton."
“Screw you, Channel 7. If I’m going down in flames anyway, I’m going to unbutton.”

The other guests were apparently expecting to dine in a tin shack, sitting on upturned milk crates … yeah, as if. They know they all get a styling budget.

Last time round the lads did an Asian-influenced entree and main, but this time it’s more disjointed – especially the main, which could perhaps work better with duck. They’re rubbing the pork belly with salt, fennel, cumin and paprika. It’s going to make a helluva mess in that oven but … mmm … pork belly.
Here come the judges and it’s yet another tablecloth jacket for Manu – at least single-breasted this time – and I don’t know the background music this time. Anyone? Bueller?


Man Bun is doing the ceviche and says the lime juice needs to cure the fish for at least five minutes, but assures his mate
“I’ve cured this fish overnight”. They settle on 45 minutes. Nooooooooooooooooooooooo! Oh, boys – did you not read the recipe properly?
Rosie has never eaten ceviche before but is keen to try, whereas Hazel has consumed “seh-veechi”. She tells the confessional: “The whole fresh, clean, crisp kind of flavours blow right up my skirt.” Lisa’s face does not betray a flicker of reaction – did she have a botox top-up?
Good Cop is turning bad and saying ceviche is simple. It’s ok, Good Cop; in the kitchen Man Bun is saying it’s not a traditional ceviche. Uh oh. The coconut milk makes it look more like a Fijian kokoda, which is delicious. But then he adds pomegranate seeds. And the fried chorizo (see, Dee, at least these boys know to fry it). And parsley. Where’s the coriander? I thought they’d do the chorizo on top, not mixed in. He’s left the chilli seeds in, which could challenge some diners. Oh, here comes the coriander: three leaves as garnish.
Oh no – I don’t want to see their sad puppy faces as the judges trash yet another of their salad entrees. At least the plates are pretty.

It’s chew time … You can tell Pete like the boys and wishes he could be more positive: “It’s halfway there for me.” The fish is overcured. Manu lays some learning on them with: “If you go to a South American restaurant, it’s done to order. They put the fish in, they put the lime juice, a couple of ice cubes – whack, whack, whack, on the plate – out.” However, he does enjoy the flavours.
Aww, those poor boys.
But they have big fans in Nev, Paige and Rosie.
Not surprisingly, the Cops don’t like it.
Lauren is happy to disagree: “This is the best entree I’ve tried this round.” Well, what was the competition? Pea and ham soup, pan-seared duck breast and raw marron. Stepsies should be the most insulted here, as their duck was pretty good, but Lauren would not give Lisa the satisfaction.
Then we get the quote of the night, as Lisa explains she didn’t eat pork for years, and she needs to sell this line to the writers of the next Kath & Kim series: “I stopped eating it for a very long time. I was once served up a very hairy crackle and it turned me off.”
Even stone-faced Pete cracks up.

"Must ... not ... laugh."
“Must … not … laugh.”

In the kitchen they are having crackling dramas of the non-hairy variety. They have uncrackled bits of pork and don’t know what to do. Non-Man Bun is devo. They cut off a tester (smart move) and put it under the grill, but it burns too much.
They go with the pork as is and the plate looks nice with the colour pop of green beans, grilled pineapple and cherry sauce. (It looked much nicer than the official MKR shot, which is of a piece of uncrackled pork.)

Maybe they will get away with it.

It’s chew o’clock … and poor non-Man Bun looks like he’s facing the hangman’s noose. He confesses he’s not happy with it. Pete: “Well, I’m getting really annoyed. Because you stuff up your simple dishes and your difficult dishes you cook to perfection.”

His trying-not-to-cry with happiness face.
His trying-not-to-cry with happiness face.

Pete: “It’s bloody delicious.” He tells them this was a “courageous” dish and I’ve watched far too much Yes, Minister, where courageous means wrong. Manu tells them the jumble of flavours worked a treat, but they committed the sin of not enough “to-die-for” soz.
In the kitchen the boys high five it out, because they are men. Lisa is relieved to avoid hairy crackle, but she gets one of the chewy, overcooked pieces.
Cops do not look happy. As Paige puts it: “Monique and Sarah look like they’ve swallowed a helium balloon.”
However, their critique is glowing. Ok, girls, but will you score accordingly?

Back in the kitchen the Miners get on to their blind baking with the comforting words “this is all trial and error”. “We’re pretty much worried about everything.”
Still, it’s a refreshing change from Lauren’s “I’m the best at everything” attitude.
Speaking of Lauren, she’s certainly the best at taking the bait Monique has laid out for her when talk turns to strategic scoring. Monique – the calm voice she must use on kids and crims alike – says she and Good Cop would never score strategically (last episode they gave the Stepsies a 5, which was the average guest score). This gets Lauren’s back up and she goes a bit berko: “No, no, no. Someone says to you: ‘Here’s two-fiddy kay [and yes, she’s talking like a gangsta rapper]… it comes down to survival.” The conversation continues and it gets totes awks for everyone else at the table as Feisty Cop speaks in condescending she knows will rile and Lauren falls into the trap of looking like a diva every time. Lauren – you haven’t cooked yet. You need to fake being normal for a bit longer.
Blah, blah … can we see some cooking, please? Even Carmine, who usually backs his missus, is not happy.

It's going to be a frosty plane trip home.
It’s going to be a frosty plane trip home.

Yay – cooking! The guys have got their tart shells out with ease, although some look a little underbaked. Man Bun whips up two berry creams and includes the seeds, which they had actually strained off. They try so hard with their plating and are happy but it’s messy and the ganache is not glossy.
Rosie: “It kind of looks like a blueberry and a raspberry vomited on a plate.” But they know the boys are stoked with their effort.

The judges do the chew … Manu is the one to break the news their plating is terrible. And they are crushed. He likes the creams but think they don’t go with the tart, which has a nice bitterness. But the chocolate filling is thick. And more learning from Obi-Wan Manu of the padawans: Don’t put chocolate tarts in the fridge just before serving.
Pete praises their pastry but the texture of the chocolate “isn’t enjoyable”. He bags out their chunky berry creams, saying the plate looks like Pro Hart’s done it (someone Google him for the young lads, please), when he’s likely thinking of Jackson Pollock.
The guests are also not impressed after the high of the main. This is what Lisa thought of it:

Oh, so she can move her face sideways.
Oh, so she can move her face sideways.

And then Lauren, realising she’s upset people with her “two-fiddy kay” outburst, returns to the tack used in the entree: “I really liked it. I really want the boys to give me a doggy bag.” Carmine thinks “it looked fantastic”. Fakers!

Team scores: Lauren and Carmine 7; Stepsies 5; Cops 5; SA Besties 7; Ducks Nutters 7 (the highest score they’ve awarded this round)
Judges: Entree Pete 5, Manu 6; Main Pete 9, Manu 9; Dessert Pete 4, Manu 5.
Total: 69 (they’re safe and the Cops and Stepsies are in danger).

Tomorrow night there’s no cooking – it’s just more of the Lauren and Monique show as it’s been renamed My Bitchin’ Rules. What’s that? Rosie and Paige DO cook. Hard to believe.



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MKR – Mon, Mar 7

Redemption round continues with the Stepsies. Which two teams do you think will get the boot after this round?

HERE WE GO …
It’s time to get Zesty with the Stepsie Besties … is anyone doing a drinking game based on the number of hip pops they are bound to do.
Last round they had issues with time management and Hazel being the only one of the pair who could cook, although Lisa (remember those four goes to get aioli to work?) was a few notches above Dee’s hapless Harry Potter hubby at least. They hope to better their score of 57 by 20 – that’s ambitious.
They’re in matchy matchy blue sundresses and – is it possible – Lisa’s eyebrows are even higher than before.

'This is as low as my brows go."
‘This is as low as my brows go.”

Their menu is:
Entree: Pan-seared duck breast with baby beets and rhubarb chutney (yep, Hazel will be cooking the duck – no way Lisa’s up to the skill level required to get 12 perfectly cooked breasts).
Main: Crumbed snapper with thrice-cooked chips, lime mayo and Asian slaw (better stock up on eggs if Lisa is doing the mayo. Meanwhile, Manu is not happy as crumbs are disrespectful to bewdiful fish. Robo Pete responds with an answer from one of his judge cue cards: “If they nail all these elements, it could be delicious.”)
Dessert: Zesty lime cream pie with a lemon sorbet
The girls rip through the shopping and there’s a minor drama on the way home of a police officer fan giving them a fright on the way home – someone’s going to be called into the sarge’s office in the morning.
They get home and are in the kitchen on time, with Hazel getting cracking on the sorbet. She’s worried her previous efforts have been too zesty. Is this possible with lemon anything? The more zest, the better.
They’ve taken a leaf out of Kell’s book, using bought bickies for their dessert base. Bought biscuits – in a cooking comp. and they add green food colouring to their lime curd – ick.
And Lisa gets her mayo right first time!

Here come the guests, and the girls have some lovely frocks while the Miners are not being strangled by their clothing for once.

Noice ... and they've found room in the sock budget for the miners.
Noice … and they’ve found room in the sock budget for the miners.

In the kitchen, the ladies are happy with how they are progressing (their golden beetroot does look yummy) but then they have a hiccup the sorbet is not thickening in the churner. They decide not to wait and chuck it in the freezer. Hmmm, this could end up with too many water crystals.
And here come the judges to the sounds of Pulp Fiction’s Misirlou https://youtu.be/1hLIXrlpRe8 (it’s the one at the start of the movie when Honey Bunny and Tim Roth rob the diner.)
Poor Manu has drawn the short straw yet again in the suit department. Wardrobe just loves whipping up a tablecloth jacket, and this one is a double breaster, no less. Time to put your “pied” down, Manu.

For zees soot I giff you zero points. Pete's soot gets nine points.
For zees soot I giff you zero points. Pete’s soot gets nine points.

I’d forgotten the Stepsies have not cooked for Pete and Manu yet (RIP The Fass and The Khoo judging combo). We’re reminded of Lisa’s alleged judge crush when she opens the door to the subtle strains of Barnsey’s I Gotcha (I never realised it had such stalkerish lyrics: “Aha-ha you thought you got away from me didn’t ya
Aha-ha you thought I didn’t see you now didn’t ya (who me)
Aha-ha you tried to sneak away from me didn’t ya
Aha-ha you thought ya being’ slick now didn’t ya
(Ha Ha Ha) Aha-ha now give me what you promised me.”

Stepsies explain their menu and Nev is happy to be getting chips as it saves him a trip to Maccas later, but Feisty Cop tells the confessional it all sounds “supertron simple”. This from the chick who served that haute cuisine dish, pureed pea and ham soup.

Bad cop, good cop. "At least I can furrow my brow when I'm upset."
Bad cop, good cop. “At least I can furrow my brow when I’m upset.”

Back in the kitchen Lisa is cooking the duck (I was wrong!), while in the kitchen Monique is getting angsty over perceived strategic scoring. The entree looks good but they should have called the chutney a coulis. Pug Lover Cop notes the meat hasn’t rested enough as the juices are flowing.


Time to chews … and Manu does a half-hearted “Do you call this redemption?” fakeout. Stepsies: “We do.” Manu: “I do, too.” He says it’s sublime and they just needed more seasoning (and we did see them chuck a heap of salt on the duck earlier). Pete is happy and loved the rhubarb but his duck was a little under.
Lauren thinks her duck is too quacky to eat: “It’s just too alive for me.” She asks non-Man Bun Miner’s “advice” in an attempt to sow the seeds of doubt.

In the kitchen the Stepsies get on with deboning the fish, while the naysayers at the table discuss how dreadful it would be if they used bought breadcrumbs. The SA Besties and Ducks’ Nuts are bemused by it all.
Cut to the kitchen and Hazel is opening a pack of Panko but Lisa realises she doesn’t have a spare fish. Why did they not buy five extra? Especially with fish. She’s starting to freak out.

CONTINUED …

As The Botoxed One cooks the massive slabs of fish in the deepfryer, Hazel gives the chips their third cook in a frypan on the stove. She can only fit in about 10 at once so this could end up like the Cops’ first cook where each guest got about three chips as a garnish to the salmon. Why not just get another deepfryer for the chips? They do look tasty, if a bit brown – season heaps, girls, then season more.
At the table the SA Besties kill the time by leading everyone in songs from Grease. Lauren does not look amused, but could be the villain edit.
In the kitchen they plate up and it looks like tasty pub food, but you’d get more chips at the pub.


Chew time … and it’s another stupid forced question from Pete to heighten the drama: “Do you like this dish?”. Seriously, do they write these questions at the start of each season and make the judges trot them out at least once an episode? Can’t we mix it up: “Lisa, are you shitting yourself right now? I can’t tell because your face doesn’t move.” “Lauren, do you feel bad you almost gave Rachel Khoo food poisoning?”
But instead Pete actually says: “Your fish was cooked beautifully. Your sauce … spot on. And I loved your slaw … Your chips, these are just terrible. They are soggy.” (Told you, so!)
Manu is let down after loving the entree “for a couple of ‘raisins'”. The raisins being the slaw and chips were soggy. “I’m just halfway with this dish.”
At the table Lauren and the Cops says their fish was overcooked and say the dish lacked skill. It’s true it was simple, but if done properly could have scored well given the lower standards this round.
Stepsies know they are going to have to work hard on dessert, but the sorbet is more of a slushie and they umm and aah over whether to include it. Chuck it in a margherita glass, I say!
In the dining room Man Bun makes an even more serious mistake. Watching Monique – who is getting rather loud – stacking napkin rings he mutter this to his mate:
oldduck
NOT a good thing to say to a) a cop, and b) someone who is yet to score your cooking.
In the kitchen the girls are unmoulding the pie and it looks fine if you’re into lots of cream and American-style desserts. Some slices are starting to melt and they decide Lauren will get the saggiest one.

Chew o’clock… and all is silent but the clang of judge’s spoons as they try to hack through the thick biscuit base.
Pete says the pie is good but not great and he hates the overly sweet sorbet. Yep, good decision to cut back on the lemon, girls. As Manu says, chemistry is involved (and wouldn’t Lisa kill to have chemistry lessons from Manu) and it wouldn’t ever have set. (Here’s a good article on how not to wreck sorbet http://tinyurl.com/zkuqqrq)
“Your pie – the bottom layer is too dense and too thick. Is it good enough for this competition? I’m not a huge fan of it.”
Manu, however, didn’t mind the pie, apart from the chunky base. (Why don’t any of these teams provide dessert forks?)
Poor Hazel is particularly cut and we can’t read Lisa’s expression because it’s been botoxed away.
More footage of Lauren being Lauren and Feisty being Feisty, while the SA Besties and the Miners are polite and we don’t get much footage of Nev and Kell.

Scores: Cops 5; SA Besties 6; Miners 6; Villain and Carmine 5; Ducks Nutters 4. Total 25/50 (which is better than their first attempt).
Judges: Entree Pete 8, Manu 9; Main Pete 7, Manu 6; Dessert Pete 3, Manu 5.
Total 63 and they are one point above the cops. Since two teams get eliminated, Ducks Nutters are safe.

Tonight it’s second chance time for the Miners, followed by SA Besties, but the promo is really about the looming battle between Lauren and Monique, who in a complete coincidence have been seated opposite each other both nights.



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MKR – Sun, March 6

Tonight the cops get to cook, and Channel 7 is trying to ramp up the drama by teasing us with the shocking news they blended the soup. OH. MY. GOD.

World's most famous stick blender in action.
World’s most famous stick blender in action.

Rachel Khoo will be kicking herself she didn’t stick around for this controversy.
Chat away.

It’s the cops’ night and they hope to beat Ducks Nuts’ score of 71.
Last time the judges said their dishes lacked flavour, so they are stocking up on salt and dried herbs.

Why do they keep dressing us in blue? To remind everyone we're cops?
Why do they keep dressing us in blue? To remind everyone we’re cops?

Their menu is:
Entree: Pea and ham soup with a homemade bread roll (which is what I give IT Sidekick for lunch in winter, because it freezes so well. It’s more family fare than dinner party fare, and I know from the ad they aren’t modernising it all with any MasterChefffy pea spherification)
Main: Rabbit pie with spinach, feta and stewed pear salad (I don’t understand what a stewed pear salad is – is it like a chutney? The description does not say “eat me – you want me!”.)
Dessert: Profiteroles
The girls are not happy that the rabbits are quite small, so fiddlier to work with, and Manu portends that bones in the dish could be a problem. Does someone choke?

They get into the kitchen on time and they get started on the ice cream and Feisty Cop (AKA Monique) says she’s backing off on the sugar as Manu criticised them for serving overly sweet food. They are also making puff pastry for the pie, which is a lot of work. Feisty Cop seems to be doing the heavy lifting here while Pug Lover is more prep and bread making.
Feisty Cop starts breaking down the rabbit right next to a tray of baked vegies, so flecks of raw meat are probably flying all the over the tray. The put the giant vegie chunks into the pea soup, so this is where the blending we see on the add comes in, as one of Feisty Cop/Mum Of Four’s sneaky “get more vegies into kids” techniques. Lauren does behave like a brat, so perhaps it’s aimed at her.

Speak of the d … dinner guests, here they come, and the poor miners are yet again stuck in clothes that are too small, with buttoned up shirts they are almost busting out of. I feel uncomfortable watching them, and that discomfort only increases when I see the Stepsies’ twinning Greek goddess dresses.

"What do you mean you spent the MKR sock budget on knee highs for Jess?"
“What do you mean you spent the MKR sock budget on knee highs for Jess?”

The girls are out. Also, here come Hazel and Lisa.
The girls are out. Also, here come Hazel and Lisa.

Just as well Tarq and his Dad are not here as Dad would have a field day with police-themed jokes. It doesn’t stop the voiceover guy.

Back in the kitchen the Cops are happy with how their progress. And here come to judges, to the tune of The Cruel Sea’s Better Get a Lawyer, Son, because … police.
And then, when the menus are being perused Channel 7 editors pull out a version of the Law & Order theme. Hang on – wouldn’t Channel 10 have rights to that?

Pug Lover cop is happy with the look of her uncooked bread rolls and I like her technique of holding a cook’s knife over each one to sprinkle with half and half poppy and sesame seeds.
And then we see the much-promo-ed stick blender come out, just after the guests have said they want chunky soup.
blenderpromo
They serve it up and the guests are surprised the soup is not green.


It’s chew time and … Pete is underwhelemed: “I struggled to find any of that beautiful pea flavour in here.” Uh oh, Feisty Cop is shocked. “I feel like I’m eating pumpkin soup.” Manu says they are missing texture: “it’s been destroyed by the blitzing”. However, Pete likes the bread roll.
The guests taste and Paige whispers “Funny old flavour”. Here’s a tip for Feisty Cop: Just because your kids like it, it doesn’t mean adults will. My kid would eat plain penne straight off my dirty kitchen floor if I let him (ok, it only happened that one time .. well, maybe twice …), but that’s not what I serve my friends.
Lauren is not happy. In the confessional she says: “I’ve never cooked pea and ham soup before, but I’m pretty sure we could have done this better.” Me, too, Lauren, but I don’t say it on national TV because then I’d look like a dick.

In the kitchen Feisty Cop is despondent but gets to work on the choux pastry while Pug Lover gets the short straw of pawing through a vat of stewed rabbit to fish out all the bones. Bet rabbit sounded fancy when they were planning their menus months beforehand, but now they must be wishing they picked beef.
Meanwhile, after enduring the fiasco of Nev’s seafood dish, the choux is on the other foot (that’s one for Tarq’s dad) as Feisty’s choux dough is too flopsy. She starts again. It’s better but instead of piping smooth balls she’s just quenelled it, so the surface could be a rough.
Pug Lover finishes her bone search but is not confident. The profiteroles come out and they finally have room to start cooking their pastry lids separately, but then realise there is no room in the oven for their eggplant chips. Not good planning. They could have done in the choux in prep and had dessert in the oven at the start.
And now their pastry lids have shrunk (overworked pastry and not enough chilling time? Anyway, a freestanding “lid” is not a pie).
Plus they went to all that effort of shelling fresh peas, only to cook the heck out of them anyway.
It’s two hours since entree and the guests are getting hungry, but it’s ok for the judges, who are in their trailer getting their spray tans and hair gel topped up. Lauren is right, for once, when she says it’s fair to score down for tardy meals.
They’ve done the eggplant chips but they are soggy (isn’t that eggplant’s natural state of being). Monique knows she’s on a losing streak : “Oh my god, the puff looks so pitiful. I don’t think there’s anything good on this dish.”

And now we get to see the stewed pear salad and I still don’t understand it. Could they not get fresh figs and had to make a switch?
Its chew o’clock … Over to Pete: “I thought it was delightful. The pastry was spot on.” They both liked the chips. Both wanted more pastry. Manu thought the pie filling needed “life”. The Cops are shocked to get a half-decet critique.
The guests are shocked to find bones in their dish – more than one.
Poor Rosie gets two, including this wicked thing:

That could have been nasty.
That could have been nasty.

Now it’s time for the Evil Lauren edit, where we hear Lauren say callous things at the table, while guests retort from the safety of the confessional. “This is business,” she says. “Remove the emotion from it. I would rather say it in front of everyone than look like I’m knifing anyone.” So Lauren will cook last, once she’s annoyed everyone, a la Jessica and Zana?

In the kitchen the Cops are happy to have 13 “good profiteroles”. So, they are serving one per person? Their menu should be profiterole, singular, then. Feisty has managed to split her ganache, which is easy to make, but she’s not stirring it over simmering water like you’re meant to (she’s just put the bowl on the bench), so no surprise there. And then she slices her hand while chopping chocolate for batch two (although they bought choc melts, so why chop?) and Feisty is not having a good day. She has to bin the bloodied chocolate. Finally, batch three of ganache works and they plate up their mega profiteroles while the editors kill a bit of time with a montage of alleged flirtation between Lisa and Manu.

Cue the choux … Manu likes the choux but there is a floury texture in their custard – too much thickener that wasn’t cooked out. Pete really likes the ice cream and most of the components. Geez, they’ve had to lower the bar after weeks of mediocre meals.
The guests seem to like it, except shy, modest Lauren. She tells the confessional: “I don’t like to toot my own horn, but toot toot, freakin toot – my custard is the bomb.” She looks to Carmine for agreement, but we don’t hear his response. Yep, definitely cast for personality, not cooking.

To the scores:
SA Besties 5; Miners 5; Stepsies 5; Lauren and Carmine 4; Ducks Nutters 3.
So the girls know they are going to do worse than their first-round score of 68

Judges: Entree Pete 4, Manu 5; Main Pete 8, Manu 7; Dessert Pete 8, Manu 8. (Note, the mains scores are exactly what the Italians received for their osso bucco and risotto main, and there’s seems to have far fewer flaws.)
Total: 62

Tomorrow night it’s Hazel and Lisa. Lauren is looking forward to another serving of hair so she can repent once MKR is finished and make a hair shirt.



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MKR – Wed, March 2

It’s the first cook of redemption round and, sadly, we are stuck back with Pete and Manu. Boo hoo. Here we go with another interminable round of loser cooks, and we no longer have the up side that is Colin’s accent and Rachel’s poise.
This is where Chloe and Kelly started from last year, right? And where are they now? Oh, yeah, sacked from their gig as restaurant reviewers.
We’re in WA and it’s Duck Nutters Nev and Kell. Please, Nev, no more sacrilege of burnt crackle. Last time they got 56.
There’s a talking head edit from the Stepsies about the great unknown that it is the other teams and it’s time for the twinning outfits to stop.

Enough, already!
Enough, already!

At least because we’ve met them already the Coles shopping takes all of 15 seconds, then they’re off to pick up some marron. The marron shop lady genteely asks: “Do you want them to be euthanased?”
They are not mucking around and whip through setting up their tacky Hollywood-themed restaurant.
Their menu is:
Entree: Grilled marron with lemon and dill butter (this will have to be perfectly cooked but good on them for taking a risk – the judges will love it if it works)
Main: Eye fillet with sweet potato mash and red wine jus (Oops, sorry, it’s a “juss”, according to Kell.)
Dessert: Baked vanilla cheesecake (What’s with all the cake-type desserts this year – there’d better be some more elements.)
In the kitchen they crack on with the cheesecake, determined to redeem themselves after their apple pie disaster. Surprisingly, Kell is doing the crumb all up the side of the tin, which is just asking for bits to break off when they cut it later. They are bickering a little over the best method, so the tension is creeping in, but compared to last night’s shocking behaviour it’s still happy days.
Nev gets on to the entree and is determined to show the judges he heeded their advice to keep things simple. He also says “juss”. They do seem more relaxed this time round and are having a bit of fun in the kitchen. At one point Nev shows he knows how to segment citrus fruit – can he please give the Miners a lesson so they serve no further pith-filled salads.
The guests arrive and Non-Man Bun miner has drawn the stylist short straw. Did he get Jess’s old stylist?
Wrong.
Wrong.

At the table the guests play “guess the relationship” and Rosie is surprised to learn the Miners aren’t in fact surf lifesavers. A fan of Bondi Rescue, perhaps.
Hazel reveals she has a dog. What kind? “A Shih-teze.” Hmm, maybe that’s what they needed after eating Dee’s food.

In the kitchen Nev is cleaning marron as the judges pull of the the strains of Foo Fighters’ Learn to Fly. Who knows why. The doorbell rings and the music switches to the angstier Chilli Peppers’ Higher Ground, which probably refers to Manu’s skyscraper slick of hair.

Did Pete get orangier in the break?
Did Pete get orangier in the break?

The Stepsies are beside themselves to be in the presence of Panu. The guests are reminded the two worst teams will be booted, but Manu reveals: “But all eez not what it sims. Once you’ve all coked, get ready for a game-changing surprise.” Come on, Manu, I know you’re a party boy but should you be encourage teams to “coke”? What does it all mean?
Duck Nutters explain the menu, including their red wine “juss” and Hazel does this to hide her laughter:
juss
Manu relishes the chance to be the one correct other’s pronunciation for a change.
Cop Megan interrogates everyone about their scores and is pleased to learn she and Cop 2 are up the top. It seems like ages ago – I have vague memories of boring salmon fillet and veg.

In the kitchen they are cooking the marron and – hooray – tasting the food before it goes out. Nev thinks it’s under, Kell thinks it’s spot on. Dee and Tim, watch their interaction and support for each other, even when they disagree. The dish looks prettier than in this official MKR photo.


Chew time … Panu look to be having a little trouble tearing the meat out – I’ve never eaten marron but I know from years of watching MasterChef this means it’s undercooked. Manu leads them into a trap by asking: “How do you think you went?” and they think they did fine.
Manu: “It’s undercooked. When you cook shellfish like this, when it’s black, when it’s cooked, it turns red. This is still black.”
Lisa’s reaction says it all.
lisaeyes
Then it’s Pete’s turn to gut the Nuts. He schools them in the fact the claws actually have the tastiest flesh (they haven’t cracked them for the guests and Nev confesses they don’t eat that bit), they’ve underseasoned and he can’t taste the lemon or dill. Ouchies.
Nev is gutted but keeps it together at the table.
brave
We’re reminded of Paige’s one-liners when she whispers to Rosie: “What happens is I eat under marron; am I going to do?”
Lauren – who is happy to serve guests uncooked seafoof – declines to try much of her marron. Non-Man Bun miner seems to have scored a cooked one and Lisa is hilariously trying to bash open a claw with her fork handle, while Carmine – dangerously – uses his teeth.
Lauren is being reserved in her comments and the Stepsies take note.

Back in the kitchen Nev is bucking up a despondent Kell. Then, they crack on with the main and Nev is cooking the steaks before Kell has even but the veg in boiling water for the mash. Again they’ve picked a tough one having to do 12 individual serves.
At the table Cop Monique is leading everyone in a game of “stick the table decorations on your face” and Lauren looks like she is actually enjoying herself.
It’s delightful to see a contestant using a meat thermometer (if you don’t have one, go get one – this Matt Preston article may convince you http://tinyurl.com/zzzw83c
I’m surprised Nev is blanching the asparagus and then tossing it through hot oil. Where’s the butter? He’s happy with the jus flavour but thinks it’s too thin. If he hadn’t cooked his steaks so early he could have reduced his jus. At least the soz jug is a decent size.

Chew time: Ducks Nuts are desperately trying to get a glimpse of the inside of a the judges’ steaks. Surely they did a tester that we didn’t see. Manu: “The jus was really, really tasty. Probably not the right consistency; but tasty… This is why I wanted to kick your butt a little, so you could deliver a main course like this.” Pete says they still needed more seasoning and takes a leaf out of Rachel Khoo’s book by telling Kell to roast the sweet potato next time before mashing. “This is what we’re after: Simple, but tasty.”
The Cops have twigged to Lauren’s nicey-nice game and know she’s one to watch, and we know from the ads fireworks are on the way.
Back in the kitchen Nev is worried about the basicness of their cheesecake. Pete pops in to chat – am I right that Colin and Rachel did not do these spontaneous pop-ins – and Nev bounces off him the idea of doing a raspberry soz, but Kell is adamant fresh berries will do. As Nev says, it will only take a jiffy to whip one up, so why not.
At the table they are debating the simplicity of the dessert and Lauren unknowingly quotes Hayden Moss from Survivor Blood versus Water when she says: “I don’t want to rustle any feathers.” Can you now hear the autumn leaves ruffling, Lauren?
It’s time to cut the cheesecakes and Kell can’t watch. They look nice and high and Kell is happy – until Nev insists on adding a little dish of his hastily whipped up berry sauce. It’s been dusted with icing sugar, so look away, Jess.

Chew o’clock … Pete chastises them for not serving it as they usually do, which is just with fruit. It didn’t need the coulis because it was “faultless”. However, the superfluous coulis did taste good. Pete’s critique: “It was the duck’s nuts, mate.”
Man Bun Miner is in heaven with his dessert.
I’m glad they had one win for the night – I may actually look up this recipe.

Happy days.
Happy days.

Team score: Miners 9 (sticking up for their mates with the scoring – will the favour be returned?), Lauren and Carmine 7, Stepsies 6, Cops 6, SA Besties 6. With these scores they are on track to beat their initial 56.
Judges: Entree Pete 1, Manu 2; Main Pete 7, Manu 7; Dessert Pete 10, Manu 10 (okay, here’s the recipe http://tinyurl.com/gns4ka8 or you can watch Better Homes on Friday night)
Total 71. That should see them safe.

On Sunday night it’s the cops’ turn and it’s another soup for entree but it looks like Lauren provides the spice.



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MKR – Sun, Feb 21

Tonight’s the night we find out if Villain Jess and He of the Serial Killer stare, Marcos, can walk the talk.
Of course, we start with footage of them working out, then it’s a rehash of some of their most villainous quotes. after a week of seeing them on TV it’s only now we learn she works in OH&S for the construction industry (is she like Safety Cam on The Block?) and he’s an amateur boxer (does that mean he is unemployed?).
They “mates from Melbourne” have chosen to do a vegetarian menu, and it’s a gutsy move as it’s certainly easier to create crowd-pleasing, punchier flavours using meat.
Their menu is:
Entree: Herb and zucchini fritters with fennel flat bread and yoghurt sauce (sounds very simple).
Main: Stained Glass Lasagne with Mushroom Ragu (yum!)
Dessert: Spiced carrot and pineapple cake with carrot and ginger jelly (not sure about the jelly component).
In Coles, Jess is buying canned pineapple for the cake and is careful to buy one that does not have added sugar. However, she has no qualms about purchasing a brand that comes from Thailand, rather than Aussie grown.

Shopping in Coles is fun. Hang on, why are we in the medicine aisle?
Shopping in Coles is fun. Hang on, why are we in the medicine aisle?

All of a sudden Jess is about food being a balance of naughty and nice – this from the woman who cut out easting chocolate because she loved it too much…
Back home and they are setting up the restaurant in their cooking time, so we know they’ll be running late al night.
Their restaurant, The Upper Cut, is a 1920s boxing theme. Who comes up with this stuff?
Finally they are in the kitchen with only 1 hour 46 minutes to go.
Jess gets started on the cakes: “I’ve made this recipe so many times I am just going to freeball it.” They are talking up how the cake uses the pineapple’s natural sweetness, but then Jess adds at least one cup of brown sugar. Umm, just because it’s brown, Jess, it doesn’t make it healthy.
Marcos is sous chef tonight and he’s moving too slowly on the mushrooms for Jess’s taste. Luckily, as he says: “I like taking orders.”
I’m surprised they made they mushroom sauce so tomatoey – I was picturing a mushroom and goat’s curd-type deal.
They get changed (and, yes, Jess is wearing a weird blingy playsuit that just covers her boobs – hopefully no-one glances sideways when she’s leaning over to put a dish on the table) and when they return one of the cakes looks overdone. Only now is Jess making pasta dough and it looks like a small quantity.
But where are the knee socks?
But where are the knee socks?

j closeup
The guests arrive and are awkwardly greeted. In the kitchen Marcos has not left the food processor all night – he’s done carrots, mushrooms and now zucchini. Pete and Manu arrive to what sounds like Jet’s Cold Hard Bitch – are you trying to tell us something, editors?
The teams check out the menu and quickly pick up on the oil and carbs being used – and the lack of protein.
In the kitchen they are just starting to make their fritters and Jess comments they don’t want them to be too salty. Uh oh, here comes another underseasoned dish. The producers send Pete into the kitchen to try and rattle them and he gets to hear Jess tell him the entree came to her in a dream. He ripostes with: “Do you think it’s going to be a dream or a nightmare for the guests out there?” One point to Pete.
The fritters look tasty but it’s definitely two dishes crammed on one plate. And no garnish of fresh herbs or salsa.


Time to watch the judges masticate …
Pete must have been hoping for some yummy healthy food that’s right up his alley. “It’s halfway there .. sort of.” The fritters lack flavour, while the sauce is terrific. Manu points out the fritter and bread together don’t make sense.
The guests are underwhelmed and Nev and Kell are happy they are in with a chance.
In the kitchen they haven’t started on the jelly yet. That’s going to take forever to set, even in a thin sheet.
They are making the stained glass pasta – layering flat-leaf parsley between the sheets for effect – and the lasagne looks lovely and thin. (I appreciate their use of a container of gelatine powder as a measuring tool, since I bought that exact purple container of gelatine four hours ago.) However, in the dining room it’s been 90 minutes since entree and the guests are getting antsy. Where do Pete and Manu go between courses? Do they have ritzy trailers out in the street where Manu can watch soccer and Pete can meditate?
The pasta is finally served and the guests mistake the mushroom duxelle for beef and get excited.


Chew time … Pete likes the stained glass effect and that it’s meat free but, says the tomatoes are too strong. Manu is not happy that the mushrooms have been minced to mimic meat rather than sliced. Jess opines the whole point is to trick the senses, but Manu does not look impressed. Again the dish is underseasoned.
The Italians give props for the texture of lasagne sheets but apparently Jess has served them a severed horse’s head as well, because they are brutal about the flavour.
In the kitchen Jess wisely slices the burnt crust off the cake but she and Marcos are fighting about the amount of icing sugar to put in the icing. Marcos knows they will get bagged out if their dessert is not sweet.
After a wait of 2 hours and 15 mins they serve dessert. Don’t know why it took so long – perhaps some of the dessert making we were shown earlier didn’t actually occur til later.

Time to chews … Manu is missimg the spice of the cake … and the pineapple … and the sugar. “Sigh” pretty much sums up his comments. Pete also thinks it’s not sweet enough, so you know it must have been really bland.
If they wanted a dessert that wasn’t too sweet, why not
Credit to Nev, who’s on the chopping block – he’s a big fan of the jelly. And the Italians appreciate the moistness of the cake.
Scores: Argh, I’ve typed out this: Sisters ; Miners ; Nev and Kell ; Lovebirds; Italians … but of course we have to go to kitchen HQ to get the scores as it’s the last cook of the round.
Judges: Entree Pete 4, Manu 4; Main Pete 7, Manu 7; Dessert Pete 3, Manu 2.
Guest score: 11/50. Ouch! That means four 2s and one 3.
For a total of 38. Jess and Marcos remain stoic but you can tell they are upset.

And here comes Group 1 again, just when we’d forgotten them, and in strides Colin like a rock star and the girls are even more excited than when they met Manu.

The Fassnidge Effect.
The Fassnidge Effect.

Colin makes the shocking announcement there is a whole other group of cooks. Erm, isn’t this the EXACT SAME TWIST as last year? New villains Lauren and Dee are introduced. Could Channel 7 not at least rustle up a bitchy gay guy to provide some snide comments this season?
Anyway, it will be good to see what Rachel Khoo makes of it all, and if she has a new show coming to Channel 7, as currently she’s on SBS.



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MKR – Wed, Feb 17

Nev and the Missus cooked and it most definitely was not the duck’s nuts?

Sorry, didn’t have time for a full recap for this one.

Here is the menu and pix of the finished dishes (they’ve made the dangerous move of listing every ingredient, so there’s no wriggle room.
Entree: Seared scallops with corn puree and crumbed crackling.
Main: apple cider pork belly with fennel chips, honey carrots and gravy
Dessert: Apple pie with vanilla ice cream

Some thoughts:
* Don’t you wish you could afford to walk into a shop and buy 50 scallops.
* The Hollywood theme looked more tacky Las Vegas.
* One thing that impressed me when the sisters cooked was their use of about three different timers stuck to the fridge – perhaps Nev could take a tip and not burn his crackle – TWICE – next time.
* Jess’s outfit was the most normal yet, but looked like a synchronised swimming costume that has been turned into a dress. Her makeup looked less harsh than at past restaurants. And no compression socks – yay.

Top half looks quite nice; shame about the rest.
Top half looks quite nice; shame about the rest.

n jessoutfit

* Good flow of flavours throughout the planned menu, from the crackling dust on the scallops, to the pork crackle of the main with apple cider to the apple pie.
* I thought he’d said they’d made fennel chips before, right?
* Was that hot apple they put in the pie? Surprised she didn’t make the pie pastry at the start of the night so it could rest. That pie could have been baking while the pork was resting. Why not do two pies? The also could have quenelled the ice cream and put it back in the freezer, ready to serve. It’s not like they were doing lots of tricky stuff while the main was cooking – just those disastrous fennel chips.
* What up a beat up of the “drama” between Jess and “bitchy” Luciano.
* Loved the comment from Martino (and where is his hat, by the way?): “They’ve killed the fennel. It’s dead; completely dead. This is a funeral.”
* Looking forward to having Colin back on screen, and the introduction of Rachel Khoo, but not sure if I have the stamina for yet another round of new faces. Who will be our new villain? Please can we have a bloke this time?
* Was her “tastes like bought” ice cream worse than Cougar’s? Sure, she used vanilla essence, but at least there was no condensed milk.
* Kell is definitely the calm one under pressure.
Team scores: Miners 4; Lovebirds 7 (what the heck!); Sisters 5; Italians 4; Jess and That Dude 3.
Judges: Entree Pete 9, Manu 9; Main Pete 6, Manu 6 (both seem overly generous – scoring to ratchet up the tension?); Dessert Pete 2, Manu 1 (ouch!).
Total: 56.
* I don’t know why Pete said their entree was “thinking outside of the box”; sure they did well but it’s hardly a new dish.

This Sunday night is the moment of truth for Jess and He of the Serial Killer Stare, and he promises: “We’re going to mark the highest ever for My Kitchen Rules.”



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MKR, Tues, Feb 16 – The Lovebirds

So, what do we think the missing ingredient is that we see Mr Nice dashing to the servo for?

JP and Nelly - The Lovebirds.
JP and Nelly – The Lovebirds.

And here’s the my recap: It’s Mr Nice and Little Miss Sunshine AKA JP and Nelly from Queensland. They work in marketing and tea ambassadorship – does that mean she sells tea?
Their mums are Polish and his dad is a retired French chef, so hopefully they’ve learnt some terrific European-style cooking.
First up on their shopping trip is a stop at the Silva [sic] Spoon at Cotton Tree, near Maroochydore, because the tea ambassador likes to cook with tea.
Entree is a traditional Polish pastry that’s loaded with butter, so they know Jess is going to loooove it. Not.
Again we’ve absolutely whipped through the shopping trip and are home to create a beachy vibe by throwing some sand around the dining room (this can’t be their house – no way would I do that at my place) and for a subtle close-up of the sponsor’s iced tea.

Their menu is: Entree: Potato and cheeses pierogi with bacon and sage sauce.
Main: Rib eye with celeriac mash and lapsang souchong barbecue sauce.
Dessert: Chai-infused creme brulee

They start working on the pierogi and dessert. An hour into the cook they are happy and confident and Nelly starts on some raspberry black tea ice cream to go with the creme brulee.
JP is working on the pierogi filling and is happy with the potato and cheese flavour yet. He’s doing a sauerkraut-style salad to give a bit of acid balance to the entree.
Uh oh – the guests are arriving and Jess’s white knee socks are back! This time paired with black platform sandals. Why do they dress her like an anime character?

Did she wear compression socks on the plane and forget to take them off?
Did she wear compression socks on the plane and forget to take them off?

JP and Nelly are tagged The Lovebirds, so we get lots of slow-mo, smoochies and soppy music. Urgh. Nelly is dancing with excitement and squealing as she greets her guests. In real life this could be sweet or really, really annoying.
The guests admire but I’m with Jess’s serial killer stare friend when he says: “We’re more coffee people.”
And here come the judges, with Manu in his tablecloth jacket stolen from the wardrobe of Matt Preston.

I'm going to take this jacket and sell it to Channel 7.
I’m going to take this jacket and sell it to Channel 7.
Pete, who can we sell this jacket to at Channel 9?
Pete, who can we sell this jacket to at Channel 9?

Looking at the menu the miners are intimidated, and Non-Man Bun worries he will soon be back working at the mine.
Jess, who has Polish heritage, explains to the others that pierogi is a kind of dumpling and says “everything about this entree speaks to me; never mind the calories. I’m just really excited for it.” The guests are shocked by her pro-carb stance.
The pierogi hold together in the water and The Lovebirds are happy.

Time for the judges to masticate, but first, an ad break to remind us 7Flix launches at the end of the month.
Back to Manu, who does a classic fakeout: “Let’s start with the negatives … there wasn’t enough.” Pete applauds their addition of the pickled cabbage: “That was a beautiful plate of food.”
The guests are loving the butter, cheese and potato but they are more excited by the fact Jessica cleaned her plate.
“I’m really impressed .. it was amazing,” she says. Is she being nicer now her instant restaurant is looming.
In the kitchen the couple are on to the mains and, to show how love up they are, Robin Thicke’s Blurred Lines (with lyrics Nothin’ like your last guy, he too square for you; He don’t smack that ass and pull your hair for you So I’m just watchin’ and waitin’; For you to salute the truly pimpin’; Not many women can refuse this pimpin’; I’m a nice guy, but don’t get confused, you git’n it!… yep, they’ve nailed JP and Nelly’s relationship with that choice of song).
The rib eyes are massive and everyone should be happy with the serving size. Mr Nice Guy makes a sauce to go with it using the tea.
Nelly is having trouble with the puree as the celeriac bits are lumpy, because they cooked it in a frypan. She swears – more than once – and the Snow White facade cracks. JP wants to roll with it because timing is critical for his steaks, which he correctly says are the stars. Just chuck the mash in the microwave, guys, cook it, then add more butter and cream – sorted.
JP tests one of his steaks and it is on the rare side, so he’s not happy. Nelly is chucking mini tanties over the mash, still. I’m surprised they sliced the steak -I thought they’d dish up the big slab.
Cue the chew:

Pete is sad it wasn’t served on the bone but it’s another fakeout as he still loved the mash, meat and sauce. Manu says they get away with the veg because it’s a mash, not a puree.
The Lovebirds are stunned and deliriously happy.
It’s back to the kitchen and time to play with the brulee torch. Uh oh – they’re out of gas! JP dashes off into the night. I’d be stuffed if this happened here on a weekend – SA shops shut at 5pm Saturday and Sundays. Looks like JP is in the same boat and he strikes out at the first servo.
Back home Nelly is freaking out and trying to scoop out rock hard ice cream into serving dishes. Manu pops in to the kitchen to watch her cry, gives her a comforting light punch on the arm and then tells her to think of a solution.

I'm contractually not allowed to hug you twice in one show, so here's a buck-up punch in the arm.
I’m contractually not allowed to hug you twice in one show, so here’s a buck-up punch in the arm.

Light bulb! She can make toffee and just put it on top. JP can stop driving round servos.
Back home the toffee shards look cool on top of the brulee, which is served on wooden boards shaped like a jigsaw puzzle.

The Italians are sad they don’t get to do the traditional brulee crack with the back of the spoon.
Chew time and Manu commends them on their solution and the flavour of the chai, but his brulee – and Pete’s – wasn’t cooked enough. The ice cream is a fail. “The flavour is not really pleasant,” Manu says.
Jess and Serial Killer both love the dessert and the other teams are suss about her turnaround. I think they’ll be surprised when they watch the show and see Jess was a higher scorer than average for most dishes throughout the competition.

Team scores: Sisters 7; Italians 8; Nev and missus 8; Jess and dude 7: Miners 8
Judges: Entree Pete 9, Manu 9; Main Pete 9, Manu 9; Dessert Pete 5, Manu 6.
Total: A very respectable 85.

And tomorrow night it’s Nev and missus (well, his brother’s former missus, it seems).

Plus, it might be worth recording Better Homes on Friday night because Hat and Sans Hat will be on to reveal how to make their amazing pasta.



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MKR, Mon, Feb 15

It’s Monday night and the MKR juggernaut keeps on rolling. Chat away.
(my recap for last night is finally up, too http://talkingtv.net/2016/02/mkr-sun-feb-14-the-italians/)

It’s the Melbourne sisters who have Indonesian heritage, Tasia and Gracia, and it looks like they are cooking at mum and dad’s home. They are determined to show off the flavours they grew up with.

Minor embarrassment on national TV by driving with the handbrake on. Then it’s off to the fish markets, Coles bags on show, for mackerel tail for their fish cake entree. But they decide to mix it with some snapper in case the strong flavour puts off some diners. Uh oh – dumbing down a traditional dish for untrained MKR palates is always a bad move.
Then it’s time to buy spices and they are still at not-Coles. It looks like they buy over a kilo of chilli (at $40/kg).
And then still at not-Coles for their meat, the lamb ribs.
We rip through the shopping scenes (no sign of dessert shopping or veg) and back home it’s sisterly bickering over setting up their Indonesian-themed room.

Their menu is:
Entree: Grilled fish cakes in banana leaves with peanut sauce.
Main: Ribs and “chips”
Dessert: Black rice pudding (Pete is worried Westerners will find it weird)

In the kitchen they start on time (tick) and swiftly get on to the coconut ice cream and the sauce for the lamb ribs, but the base paste is already tasting quite spicy (the MKR editor inserts an alarming sound at this point, so you know it will be a problem later on). They mention the lamb can be quite fatty, so expect more tight-lipped Jess.
It’s fish cake time and I’m guessing the cakes will be dry because they’ve used a less oily fish. At least they are doing a tester and realise they need to add salt – a basic step which so many teams stuff up.
The guests are arriving and the Italians are relaxed as, because they know no-one is knocking them off top spot. Jess is again somewhat strangely dressed with a severe hairdo, but the outfit is an improvement on the first night’s weird knee socks.
The other guests are noticing Jess is being more vivacious than usual, and suspect she is regretting her past comments.
In the kitchen the sisters are making the peanut sauce to go with the fish cakes. Here come the judges and Pete is excited because he loves Indonesian food, and the girls are excited because they still can’t believe they are on TV.
At the table both Nelly and JP are lovestruck by Manu.
Nev and Mrs Nev looooove Bali and go there regularly, but have never had the extremely common dessert of black rice pudding.
In the kitchen the girls are second guessing the heat level of their chillis.
At the table Jess is trying to show she can be happy about food, pleased the fish cakes are grilled and that the girls are using chilli. Nev, however, does not do spicy, so expect to see lots of bald-headed sweat.
The girls plate up in cute baskets and it’s not going to be much of a serve.


They give the guests instructions on how to eat the dish, so there are no embarrassing scenes of the unwary trying to eat the banana leaves.
The judges dig in and Manu does a little cough. Too much chilli?

In the ad break I keep copping Paige and Rosie trying to flog me stain remover, I’m guessing because I’m in SA. Are people in other states getting state-specific contestants?
Back to Manu: “I think the sauce is beautiful,” he says, but adds he actually wants more chilli and chastises them for second guessing themselves and using a non-traditional fish which lacks flavour. Pete agrees on both counts.
The guests start eating and, surprise, surprise, Jess is uncomfortable eating with her hands but her Random Dude partner tells her man up – I can’t recall seeing him speak before, much like Plus One. He has an intense look about him I haven’t noticed before because his team mate draws all the attention.

The fish cake “sausage roll” (thanks, Miners) is hailed as bland but most people like the peanut sauce, except Nev who can’t handle the heat.
The table chatter turns to what the main “chips” will be. No, not some exotic veg but rice chips. Interesting. Determined to heed the judges’ advice, they prep more chilli to brush on the lamb and it’s too spicy even for them to handle. Is this is misdirect?
But they have a bigger problem: their lamb fat hasn’t rendered down. Probably because they didn’t brown the meat first, but perhaps that’s not the done thing for this dish.
At the table guests are asking Jess about her eating regime, and she says she doesn’t eat chocolate because she liked it so much it was becoming an addiction, so she cut it out completely. Jess is not an everything in moderation girl. But then she surprises the table by confessing a weakness for pizza. Is she just just trying to appear more human? The Miners think she’s telling low-fat porkies.
The rice cakes go in the deep fryer and Jess is going to die. Are they going to get in trouble for serving the rice as a separate element, so the sauce and meat juices can’t soak into it – just as happened to the Italians with their osso bucco and risotto. Also, it’s not much of a serve given the meat is mostly bone.


The judges dig in and Manu is struggling to cut his meat. The sisters quietly freak out. Pete is happy: “That is sensational. Bring it on.” BUT he doesn’t think the rice cakes make sense, and slicing up a cucumber doesn’t count in a cooking competition. Manu loves the sauce but his meat wasn’t falling apart – they should have used a pressure cooker to start. Their rice cakes were oily.
Jess and Random Dude (he of the serial killer stare) are having trouble with unrendered fat and they are not the only ones. Nelly can’t even cut it with her knife. One of the Italians (the extra-Italiany one) waxes lyrical about the flavours taking him to Indonesia. But Sans Hat (who’s a hostie) brings the talk back down to earth: “He went to Indonesia; I was at the airport waiting for my connection.”
Back to the kitchen the sister making the rice has made this dessert so many times she is “100 per cent confident”. She’s jinxed it now.
The guests are happy to be having rice pudding as they need filling up after being unable to eat much of their main (including Jess, who did not try the rice chips).
Rice-cooking sister is adding more salt to the mixture as it’s not meant to be too sweet and it looks as though she’s overdone it. This will be a problem.
Their presentation looks good and the guests are excited. It looks much better on TV than in this photo.


The judges chew away and Manu is happy: “Yum.” Pete: “Ladies, it was delicious.” Cue the happy tears.
Great, the judges liked it, but is it a complicated dish?
Jess doesn’t “understand” the dessert – and the others agree – and found the majority of the food tonight “inedible”. Surprisingly, Nev seems to love the dessert. “I love the flavours of the ice cream, with the coconut. It tastes like a Bounty, and I love Bounties.”
To the scoring and the Miners may have the edge on them.
Guests: Jess and Co 4; Miners 4; Lovebirds 3; Italians 6 (but is was almost a 5); Nev and Missus 3.
Total: 20.
Judges: Entree Pete 5, Manu 5; Main Pete 8, Manu 5; Dessert Pete 9, Manu 9.
Total: 61.
The sisters have beaten the Miners by one point and are understandably stoked.

Tomorrow night it’s the Lovebirds and it looks like there is a missing ingredient as we see footage of Mr Nice dashing to a servo in the dark.



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