Tag: Lauren

MKR – Tues, Mar 8 – the one without the hairy crackle

And it’s take two for Man Bun and Non-Man Bun from Mackay, Queensland. They seem like lovely blokes but I don’t hold out much hope for them. I want them to do well tonight and at least beat their previous score of 60.

Their menu tonight:
Entree: Spanish mackerel ceviche with chorizo
Main: Fennel-crusted pork belly with five spice pineapple and cherry sauce.
Dessert: Chocolate tart with raspberry and blueberry cream.

Some warning comments from the judges:
Don’t marinate the ceviche fish for more than 5-10 minutes (actually, this depends whether you slice or cube, guys, and what citrus you are using).
Hmmm on the seeming clashing flavours for the main (I’d ditch the cherry sauce).

As with all the redemption episodes, Coles only gets a brief viewing and the lads are in the kitchen on time.

The boys know dessert is their weakness, yet they’ve chosen pastry. In between sneaky tastes of the dough they seem to be working it a lot with their miner man hands in what is no doubt humid weather – hope it’s ok.
They were smart to choose ceviche as once they prep it will take no time at all, but trimming up the fish will be time consuming.
Things are going smoothly and they know this could mean trouble.
The guests arrive and Lauren has been dressed in what appears to be a denim playsuit and platforms while poor Rosie copped long sleeves from the stylist. In Queensland!

At least it's better than Jess's ice skater playsuit.
At least it’s better than Jess’s ice skater playsuit.
Still hurts my eyes. But would we rather have Jess than Monique right now?
Still hurts my eyes. But would we rather have Jess than Monique right now?

The dressed-up miners are in their usual pointy-collared shirts but non-Man Bun has his top button undone – is this a breach of contract?

"Screw you, Channel 7. If I'm going down in flames anyway, I'm going to unbotton."
“Screw you, Channel 7. If I’m going down in flames anyway, I’m going to unbutton.”

The other guests were apparently expecting to dine in a tin shack, sitting on upturned milk crates … yeah, as if. They know they all get a styling budget.

Last time round the lads did an Asian-influenced entree and main, but this time it’s more disjointed – especially the main, which could perhaps work better with duck. They’re rubbing the pork belly with salt, fennel, cumin and paprika. It’s going to make a helluva mess in that oven but … mmm … pork belly.
Here come the judges and it’s yet another tablecloth jacket for Manu – at least single-breasted this time – and I don’t know the background music this time. Anyone? Bueller?


Man Bun is doing the ceviche and says the lime juice needs to cure the fish for at least five minutes, but assures his mate
“I’ve cured this fish overnight”. They settle on 45 minutes. Nooooooooooooooooooooooo! Oh, boys – did you not read the recipe properly?
Rosie has never eaten ceviche before but is keen to try, whereas Hazel has consumed “seh-veechi”. She tells the confessional: “The whole fresh, clean, crisp kind of flavours blow right up my skirt.” Lisa’s face does not betray a flicker of reaction – did she have a botox top-up?
Good Cop is turning bad and saying ceviche is simple. It’s ok, Good Cop; in the kitchen Man Bun is saying it’s not a traditional ceviche. Uh oh. The coconut milk makes it look more like a Fijian kokoda, which is delicious. But then he adds pomegranate seeds. And the fried chorizo (see, Dee, at least these boys know to fry it). And parsley. Where’s the coriander? I thought they’d do the chorizo on top, not mixed in. He’s left the chilli seeds in, which could challenge some diners. Oh, here comes the coriander: three leaves as garnish.
Oh no – I don’t want to see their sad puppy faces as the judges trash yet another of their salad entrees. At least the plates are pretty.

It’s chew time … You can tell Pete like the boys and wishes he could be more positive: “It’s halfway there for me.” The fish is overcured. Manu lays some learning on them with: “If you go to a South American restaurant, it’s done to order. They put the fish in, they put the lime juice, a couple of ice cubes – whack, whack, whack, on the plate – out.” However, he does enjoy the flavours.
Aww, those poor boys.
But they have big fans in Nev, Paige and Rosie.
Not surprisingly, the Cops don’t like it.
Lauren is happy to disagree: “This is the best entree I’ve tried this round.” Well, what was the competition? Pea and ham soup, pan-seared duck breast and raw marron. Stepsies should be the most insulted here, as their duck was pretty good, but Lauren would not give Lisa the satisfaction.
Then we get the quote of the night, as Lisa explains she didn’t eat pork for years, and she needs to sell this line to the writers of the next Kath & Kim series: “I stopped eating it for a very long time. I was once served up a very hairy crackle and it turned me off.”
Even stone-faced Pete cracks up.

"Must ... not ... laugh."
“Must … not … laugh.”

In the kitchen they are having crackling dramas of the non-hairy variety. They have uncrackled bits of pork and don’t know what to do. Non-Man Bun is devo. They cut off a tester (smart move) and put it under the grill, but it burns too much.
They go with the pork as is and the plate looks nice with the colour pop of green beans, grilled pineapple and cherry sauce. (It looked much nicer than the official MKR shot, which is of a piece of uncrackled pork.)

Maybe they will get away with it.

It’s chew o’clock … and poor non-Man Bun looks like he’s facing the hangman’s noose. He confesses he’s not happy with it. Pete: “Well, I’m getting really annoyed. Because you stuff up your simple dishes and your difficult dishes you cook to perfection.”

His trying-not-to-cry with happiness face.
His trying-not-to-cry with happiness face.

Pete: “It’s bloody delicious.” He tells them this was a “courageous” dish and I’ve watched far too much Yes, Minister, where courageous means wrong. Manu tells them the jumble of flavours worked a treat, but they committed the sin of not enough “to-die-for” soz.
In the kitchen the boys high five it out, because they are men. Lisa is relieved to avoid hairy crackle, but she gets one of the chewy, overcooked pieces.
Cops do not look happy. As Paige puts it: “Monique and Sarah look like they’ve swallowed a helium balloon.”
However, their critique is glowing. Ok, girls, but will you score accordingly?

Back in the kitchen the Miners get on to their blind baking with the comforting words “this is all trial and error”. “We’re pretty much worried about everything.”
Still, it’s a refreshing change from Lauren’s “I’m the best at everything” attitude.
Speaking of Lauren, she’s certainly the best at taking the bait Monique has laid out for her when talk turns to strategic scoring. Monique – the calm voice she must use on kids and crims alike – says she and Good Cop would never score strategically (last episode they gave the Stepsies a 5, which was the average guest score). This gets Lauren’s back up and she goes a bit berko: “No, no, no. Someone says to you: ‘Here’s two-fiddy kay [and yes, she’s talking like a gangsta rapper]… it comes down to survival.” The conversation continues and it gets totes awks for everyone else at the table as Feisty Cop speaks in condescending she knows will rile and Lauren falls into the trap of looking like a diva every time. Lauren – you haven’t cooked yet. You need to fake being normal for a bit longer.
Blah, blah … can we see some cooking, please? Even Carmine, who usually backs his missus, is not happy.

It's going to be a frosty plane trip home.
It’s going to be a frosty plane trip home.

Yay – cooking! The guys have got their tart shells out with ease, although some look a little underbaked. Man Bun whips up two berry creams and includes the seeds, which they had actually strained off. They try so hard with their plating and are happy but it’s messy and the ganache is not glossy.
Rosie: “It kind of looks like a blueberry and a raspberry vomited on a plate.” But they know the boys are stoked with their effort.

The judges do the chew … Manu is the one to break the news their plating is terrible. And they are crushed. He likes the creams but think they don’t go with the tart, which has a nice bitterness. But the chocolate filling is thick. And more learning from Obi-Wan Manu of the padawans: Don’t put chocolate tarts in the fridge just before serving.
Pete praises their pastry but the texture of the chocolate “isn’t enjoyable”. He bags out their chunky berry creams, saying the plate looks like Pro Hart’s done it (someone Google him for the young lads, please), when he’s likely thinking of Jackson Pollock.
The guests are also not impressed after the high of the main. This is what Lisa thought of it:

Oh, so she can move her face sideways.
Oh, so she can move her face sideways.

And then Lauren, realising she’s upset people with her “two-fiddy kay” outburst, returns to the tack used in the entree: “I really liked it. I really want the boys to give me a doggy bag.” Carmine thinks “it looked fantastic”. Fakers!

Team scores: Lauren and Carmine 7; Stepsies 5; Cops 5; SA Besties 7; Ducks Nutters 7 (the highest score they’ve awarded this round)
Judges: Entree Pete 5, Manu 6; Main Pete 9, Manu 9; Dessert Pete 4, Manu 5.
Total: 69 (they’re safe and the Cops and Stepsies are in danger).

Tomorrow night there’s no cooking – it’s just more of the Lauren and Monique show as it’s been renamed My Bitchin’ Rules. What’s that? Rosie and Paige DO cook. Hard to believe.



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MKR – Sun, March 6

Tonight the cops get to cook, and Channel 7 is trying to ramp up the drama by teasing us with the shocking news they blended the soup. OH. MY. GOD.

World's most famous stick blender in action.
World’s most famous stick blender in action.

Rachel Khoo will be kicking herself she didn’t stick around for this controversy.
Chat away.

It’s the cops’ night and they hope to beat Ducks Nuts’ score of 71.
Last time the judges said their dishes lacked flavour, so they are stocking up on salt and dried herbs.

Why do they keep dressing us in blue? To remind everyone we're cops?
Why do they keep dressing us in blue? To remind everyone we’re cops?

Their menu is:
Entree: Pea and ham soup with a homemade bread roll (which is what I give IT Sidekick for lunch in winter, because it freezes so well. It’s more family fare than dinner party fare, and I know from the ad they aren’t modernising it all with any MasterChefffy pea spherification)
Main: Rabbit pie with spinach, feta and stewed pear salad (I don’t understand what a stewed pear salad is – is it like a chutney? The description does not say “eat me – you want me!”.)
Dessert: Profiteroles
The girls are not happy that the rabbits are quite small, so fiddlier to work with, and Manu portends that bones in the dish could be a problem. Does someone choke?

They get into the kitchen on time and they get started on the ice cream and Feisty Cop (AKA Monique) says she’s backing off on the sugar as Manu criticised them for serving overly sweet food. They are also making puff pastry for the pie, which is a lot of work. Feisty Cop seems to be doing the heavy lifting here while Pug Lover is more prep and bread making.
Feisty Cop starts breaking down the rabbit right next to a tray of baked vegies, so flecks of raw meat are probably flying all the over the tray. The put the giant vegie chunks into the pea soup, so this is where the blending we see on the add comes in, as one of Feisty Cop/Mum Of Four’s sneaky “get more vegies into kids” techniques. Lauren does behave like a brat, so perhaps it’s aimed at her.

Speak of the d … dinner guests, here they come, and the poor miners are yet again stuck in clothes that are too small, with buttoned up shirts they are almost busting out of. I feel uncomfortable watching them, and that discomfort only increases when I see the Stepsies’ twinning Greek goddess dresses.

"What do you mean you spent the MKR sock budget on knee highs for Jess?"
“What do you mean you spent the MKR sock budget on knee highs for Jess?”

The girls are out. Also, here come Hazel and Lisa.
The girls are out. Also, here come Hazel and Lisa.

Just as well Tarq and his Dad are not here as Dad would have a field day with police-themed jokes. It doesn’t stop the voiceover guy.

Back in the kitchen the Cops are happy with how their progress. And here come to judges, to the tune of The Cruel Sea’s Better Get a Lawyer, Son, because … police.
And then, when the menus are being perused Channel 7 editors pull out a version of the Law & Order theme. Hang on – wouldn’t Channel 10 have rights to that?

Pug Lover cop is happy with the look of her uncooked bread rolls and I like her technique of holding a cook’s knife over each one to sprinkle with half and half poppy and sesame seeds.
And then we see the much-promo-ed stick blender come out, just after the guests have said they want chunky soup.
blenderpromo
They serve it up and the guests are surprised the soup is not green.


It’s chew time and … Pete is underwhelemed: “I struggled to find any of that beautiful pea flavour in here.” Uh oh, Feisty Cop is shocked. “I feel like I’m eating pumpkin soup.” Manu says they are missing texture: “it’s been destroyed by the blitzing”. However, Pete likes the bread roll.
The guests taste and Paige whispers “Funny old flavour”. Here’s a tip for Feisty Cop: Just because your kids like it, it doesn’t mean adults will. My kid would eat plain penne straight off my dirty kitchen floor if I let him (ok, it only happened that one time .. well, maybe twice …), but that’s not what I serve my friends.
Lauren is not happy. In the confessional she says: “I’ve never cooked pea and ham soup before, but I’m pretty sure we could have done this better.” Me, too, Lauren, but I don’t say it on national TV because then I’d look like a dick.

In the kitchen Feisty Cop is despondent but gets to work on the choux pastry while Pug Lover gets the short straw of pawing through a vat of stewed rabbit to fish out all the bones. Bet rabbit sounded fancy when they were planning their menus months beforehand, but now they must be wishing they picked beef.
Meanwhile, after enduring the fiasco of Nev’s seafood dish, the choux is on the other foot (that’s one for Tarq’s dad) as Feisty’s choux dough is too flopsy. She starts again. It’s better but instead of piping smooth balls she’s just quenelled it, so the surface could be a rough.
Pug Lover finishes her bone search but is not confident. The profiteroles come out and they finally have room to start cooking their pastry lids separately, but then realise there is no room in the oven for their eggplant chips. Not good planning. They could have done in the choux in prep and had dessert in the oven at the start.
And now their pastry lids have shrunk (overworked pastry and not enough chilling time? Anyway, a freestanding “lid” is not a pie).
Plus they went to all that effort of shelling fresh peas, only to cook the heck out of them anyway.
It’s two hours since entree and the guests are getting hungry, but it’s ok for the judges, who are in their trailer getting their spray tans and hair gel topped up. Lauren is right, for once, when she says it’s fair to score down for tardy meals.
They’ve done the eggplant chips but they are soggy (isn’t that eggplant’s natural state of being). Monique knows she’s on a losing streak : “Oh my god, the puff looks so pitiful. I don’t think there’s anything good on this dish.”

And now we get to see the stewed pear salad and I still don’t understand it. Could they not get fresh figs and had to make a switch?
Its chew o’clock … Over to Pete: “I thought it was delightful. The pastry was spot on.” They both liked the chips. Both wanted more pastry. Manu thought the pie filling needed “life”. The Cops are shocked to get a half-decet critique.
The guests are shocked to find bones in their dish – more than one.
Poor Rosie gets two, including this wicked thing:

That could have been nasty.
That could have been nasty.

Now it’s time for the Evil Lauren edit, where we hear Lauren say callous things at the table, while guests retort from the safety of the confessional. “This is business,” she says. “Remove the emotion from it. I would rather say it in front of everyone than look like I’m knifing anyone.” So Lauren will cook last, once she’s annoyed everyone, a la Jessica and Zana?

In the kitchen the Cops are happy to have 13 “good profiteroles”. So, they are serving one per person? Their menu should be profiterole, singular, then. Feisty has managed to split her ganache, which is easy to make, but she’s not stirring it over simmering water like you’re meant to (she’s just put the bowl on the bench), so no surprise there. And then she slices her hand while chopping chocolate for batch two (although they bought choc melts, so why chop?) and Feisty is not having a good day. She has to bin the bloodied chocolate. Finally, batch three of ganache works and they plate up their mega profiteroles while the editors kill a bit of time with a montage of alleged flirtation between Lisa and Manu.

Cue the choux … Manu likes the choux but there is a floury texture in their custard – too much thickener that wasn’t cooked out. Pete really likes the ice cream and most of the components. Geez, they’ve had to lower the bar after weeks of mediocre meals.
The guests seem to like it, except shy, modest Lauren. She tells the confessional: “I don’t like to toot my own horn, but toot toot, freakin toot – my custard is the bomb.” She looks to Carmine for agreement, but we don’t hear his response. Yep, definitely cast for personality, not cooking.

To the scores:
SA Besties 5; Miners 5; Stepsies 5; Lauren and Carmine 4; Ducks Nutters 3.
So the girls know they are going to do worse than their first-round score of 68

Judges: Entree Pete 4, Manu 5; Main Pete 8, Manu 7; Dessert Pete 8, Manu 8. (Note, the mains scores are exactly what the Italians received for their osso bucco and risotto main, and there’s seems to have far fewer flaws.)
Total: 62

Tomorrow night it’s Hazel and Lisa. Lauren is looking forward to another serving of hair so she can repent once MKR is finished and make a hair shirt.



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MKR – Mon, Feb 29

It’s the Newcastle Dads’ turn to cook, and we find out one is a physio and the other a dietitian. Nice to see two blokes who have maintained such a strong friendship since they were sprogs.
This is the first time I’ve seen contestants stroll to the shops on MKR – should have got one of those handy granny trolleys so they don’t have to lug it all home. Then the physio picks up a carton of eggs and shakes it.

Why!?
I’m baffled by the egg shaking.

Who the heck does that? I want to shake him at this point. They are advertising Coles Free Range Eggs (well, alleged free range – according to Choice “For eggs to be labelled free range, the Model Code of Practice says there should be a maximum of 1500 hens per hectare. But many commonly available “free range” brands do not adhere to this, with some brands keeping as many as 10,000 chooks per hectare.” And guess how many Coles has?)
The menu
Entree: “Double the fun”: Twice-baked cheese souffle
Main: “Sweet Swine” Prosciutto-wrapped pork fillet with potato puree and honey sage jus.
Dessert: “Crunch Time” Chocolate mousse with hazelnut praline and raspberry coulis
Discussing the menu, the judges are looking fab – as always- and The Fass is thrilled by the main: “You had me at pork.”
Can't we just keep these two? Who needs Pete and Manu
Can’t we just keep these two? Who needs Pete and Manu

The guys are cruising through the shopping, stopping to taste test prosciutto, and buy decent dark chocolate for their dessert (Zana, I still haven’t forgotten your shameful use of Cadbury Dairy Milk). Last stop is for booze at Liquorland and this episode is much more blatant in its advertising than some of the previous ones.
Whose genius idea was it to walk?
Whose idea was it to walk?

At home (looks like a rental for the show) they quickly set up “Sand and Steel” and the guests get some kinetic sand to play with. It’s fun stuff so I’m hoping The Fass will give it a go.
They are in the kitchen as the clock starts at 3:00 and are straight on to the dessert elements that need time to set. But Cookie (the dietitian) scrambles his first anglaise for the ice cream but gets it right second time round (no four goes to make mayo-type disaster here).
Then they get on to both the entree and mains prep – Hazel and Lisa could learn some time management skills off these guys. Both seem to be capable cooks, whereas the other teams have had an obvious chef and sous chef vibe (except the Italians).

Here come the guests and what the hell is Mr Chops wearing?

Shirt stolen off an 80yo man at the local RSL.
Shirt stolen off an 80yo man at the local RSL.

Inside, Lauren is the most chipper we’ve seen her since she bombed, and actually compliments the decor and plays with the sand.
But Hazel and Lisa don’t have much time for new Lauren, based on their view she is scoring strategically. “I don’t have much time for cheaters,” Lisa says. Hmm, has she learned yet there was a whopping big hair in Lauren’s meal?
In the kitchen the Mates are happy with how the souffles are looking – what a shame they only brought 12 ramekins with them and can’t test one. And since it looks like a rental, they can’t just grab any old dish to do a tester in.
Here come The Fass and The Khoo, the latter looking like he’s off to a picnic in the Italian countryside.
10/10 for this skirt.
10/10 for this skirt.

The lads start plating up the entree and it looks delish. There’s a minor hiccup of getting a plate stuck in the saucepan – yep, that’s as close as these fellas come to a tense moment in the kitchen.


It’s chew o’clock … And The Khoo establishes her claim to be a cheese expert by saying she lived in Paris for eight years. She is happy with their use of parmesan and cheddar, but wanted more flavour from their side veg – and she tells them to roast the tomatoes next time. Colin says they should have sprinkled cheese on top for cheesey crunch, but he still praises their effort.
The guests are enjoying their souffles, except Dee reckons hers is overcooked. Lauren has been bodysnatched by aliens and replaced with a nice Lauren who hails the souffle as “the dish of the competition so far”.
The Stepsies are baffled by the MKR equivalent of doing this:

I'm crazy enthusiastic for no reason, like my friend Lauren.
I’m crazy enthusiastic for no reason, like my friend Lauren.

But they console themselves in their confessional to camera by cackling that Lauren should go eat her spaghetti in a bag: “No-one else did.”
Twinning at insults.
Twinning at insults.

Back in the kitchen they get on to mains and things are going well until the power goes out, but it’s only for a minute. Talk about an anti-climax.
Cookie is feeling the pressure a bit and dithering over how well he should cook the pork.
Emotions ... feelings
Emotions … feelings

Cook to please Pork Ambassador Colin, I say. At least they have enough to do a tester. They struggle a bit with the timing – this is where a meat thermometer would be handy.
Cookie moves on to the potato and you can tell he’s a serious cook because he’s using a drum sieve, which is painstaking work but gives super smooth mash.
They’ve obviously put a lot of thought into the plating up – it looks great.


It’s chew time … and The Fass is impressed by their gutsy effort in cooking 36 medallions or pork, and doing it well. “The dish is actually like something I’ve had on the menu before.” The only fault he finds is that the sauce soaked into the mash. The Khoo is happy, too: “You couldn’t have done a better job.” She wanted a bit more butter in the puree (perhaps dietitian Cookie let his professional knowledge stay his hand).
Dee and Lauren both say their meat was overcooked – looks like the aliens brought original Lauren back.

Back in the kitchen the lads are making praline, while at the table Dee explains she doesn’t like choccy mousse, which is a shame for Husband of Dee, as he loves it. However, every night Dee confines him to a cupboard under the stairs, Harry Potter style, so no mousse for him.
They Mates are plating up and Cookie is a bit heavy handed with the dusting cocoa. The plating looks great and this is a much more complicated dessert than the last few we’ve seen.


Time to chew … The Khoo is happy (apart from the heavy layer of cocoa powder) but The Fass wanted more of his promised crunch. It was good, but not as delish as the main.
They’ve done well and deserve high scores. Apparently the dessert was confusing to Dee but it made her backflip on her claim she doesn’t like chocolate mousse.

Team scores: Dee and That Guy 8; Lauren and That Guy 8; Zesty Stepsies 8; Tarq and Joke Dad 7 (not wanting to relinquish top spot); Mr and Mrs Chops 9.
Judges: Entree Khoo 8, Fass 7; Main Khoo 9 (note how she pronounced the dish “fillay”), Fass 9; Dessert Khoo 7, Fass 7 (with the comment: “A lot of cocoa powder- must have got it on special”)
Total 87, which puts them at the top of the leaderboard, seven points above Tarq and Dad. Hooray – at least two pairs this round can cook!

Tomorrow night: It’s Dee Day! And we get to see poor Harry Potter fail spectacularly at pouring wine into a container with a very large neck.
wine2

Missed it by that much.
Missed it by that much.


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