The Americans storm Bachidise tonight, and it means war for some of our magnificent Aussie stallions, but it looks like none of the girls is putting of fight, especially Keira.
Well, actually, I think the annoying one is actually Canadian but that doesn’t sound particularly threatening, so let’s call him American.
Channel 10 must have seen that people are looking for viewing alternatives to the Commonwealth Games so we get FOUR DAYS OF BACHIDISE!
The first few names of the cast have been released.
https://www.facebook.com/BachelorInParadiseAU/posts/387249398390038
Will Keira and Laurina clash? I’m sure casting hopes so.
Looks like some big storms are hitting Africa but there must be a big tarp over the camp because the celebs weren’t getting wet – they just had leaves falling on them.
The contestants are strapped to a giant wheel where they will have various creatures dropped on them. Each pair has to do a puzzle while being pelted with snakes, scorpions etc.
Poor Casey has a massive panic attack and utters the “I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!” I also would not snakes dropped all over me.
Jay lets Nat win and Keira also does the “I’m a Celeb” call – she claims so Ash can win their match up and eat.
Winners get to eat pie and sauce. Is there a trick? Is it going to be a maggot pie or something?
Afterwards, Jay pulls Keira aside to tell her she needs to grow up and participate in the game because she’s 30 years old. It’s a right dressing down. Ouch! Tzip sticks up for Keira. Good on you, Tzip. Yeah, she’s annoying but just tone it down, Jay. She’s not one of your eight kids.
The pie looks rather tasty and they wash it down with what looks like Fanta and Coke.
Keira gets to cook for the losers but Ash and Kris aren’t impressed with the result.
Steve barks at Keira to do the dishes and it escalates into a “you don’t own me” argument that goes on and on. Each wants to have the last word. Keira eventually starts sobbing on the bed and Tzip tries to comfort her.
The celebrity going in tomorrow night is revealed and, yes, it IS Carson Kressley. I used to love Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. He and Keira can compare notes about facial treatments. He’s never been camping, though. This will be interesting. He has to be more fun than Tom Arnold. I bet Ash and Nat will know who he is. Dane won’t have a clue.
At camp Keira reveals to Lisa the story most of us already know from her interview post-Bachelor, about growing up in a cult, of which her father was the leader. She didn’t know which of the wives was her mother until she was six. Lisa is definitely the camp mum, mentoring all the young ‘uns.
Umm, what else happens? Not much, really. Casey sings beautifully about random stuff, Ash and Keira have a tiff because Keira is surprised anyone can tell she has botoxed lips.
So let’s get straight to the evicted celebrity is … Jay! Does that mean Pricey will now be camp leader?
In Jay’s exit interview he doesn’t speak too highly of Ash, is a bit less dispariging of Keira and gives Naz a big thumbs up. We learn he lost 13 kilos in three weeks (along with, he quips, “the will to live”). He says he’s delighted to have lost some weight and chokes up a bit when he talks about being a healthy role model for his children.
Tonight White Rose wielder Alex finally gets a date and the girls get a fake baby challenge. Luckily they are already used to tanties of the grown-up variety.
Faith gets the date card and as she waits on a dock for Richie the camera operator fixates lovingly on her ample bosom. Richie rocks up in aviator sunnies and a tux, pretending to know how to drive a speedboat and that there’s not a cameraman crouched awkwardly under the dash, filming him.
As affable as ever, Bachie spouts his lines with enthusiasm.
Faith has an extensive knowledge of maritime vehicles. ‘I’ve never been in a … uh … is this a yacht?” she asks. (“What do ya call these, love?” “Rissoles.”)
Luckily Richie seems to enjoy her ditziness.
They meet Dennis the flair bartender, who juggles up some martinis for them , makig me ponder if Tom Cruise still has any of the skills he learnt on the set of Cocktail.
Back at the house, it’s time for the group date card, and it’s singer Eliza, Georgia, Bacon Girl Noni, Sophie, Rachael, mysterious Olena and Villian Keira.
Back on the date Richie and Faith are obviously freezing as they frolick in the pool but luckily playing pool basketball encourages a great deal of skin-on-skin action. Richie loves that Faith is so competitive but can have a laugh as well.
“She dominated,” he says with a straight face.
They have a chat about love, family, morals and stuff.
“Yeah, I really like you,” he tells her, then they go the pash.
She returns to the house clutching a rose, telling the others “I don’t kiss and tell”. Faith seems more low maintenance than some of the other girls.
The group date begins and the Keira is relieved to learn it’s not going to be as strenuous as last time’s sumo roller derby date. But Bacon Girl, aged 25, is worried to learn the nature of the date: “I twerk; I don’t do ballroom dancing.” C’mon – don’t make me change your name from Bacon Girl to Miley Cyrus.
Osher reminds us that Richie showed his breakdancing skills in The Bachelorette but, sadly, does not call for a demo. Missed opportunity, Oshie!
Sophie the invisible brunette is getting camera time, so she’s a goner. The girls learn there will be a dance off and the winner gets more time with Bachie. First, they have to pick a partner and stupidly no-one goes near Richie, so Keira swoops in. But apparently she has a sore arm (presumably from the roller derbying) so can’t hold her waltz frame properly. The other girls are appropriately sympathetic. “She just needs to toughen up,” Mean Girl Rachael tells the camera.
After some practising with each other, the girls get to sit to one side like wallflowers, watching longingly as, one by one, they waltz with Richie.
Surprisingly Olena, who carries herself with such poise, is a rubbish dancer. “Watching Olena is hilarious. She is just awkward and unco,” Kaira laughs to camera.
Keira is last to dance and does her moves hamming it up sultrily. She is picked as the winner by the producers – ahem – Richie.
Her prize is a dress that is apparently worth $6500 but looks like Spotlight was having a special on bulk buys of black and white tulle.
She has to walk down the staircase in the giant dress and it’s obvious they didn’t know what to do with her hair. Why not slick it back?
Most of the girls say nice things … Most.
“She just to me doesn’t look like Cinderella – more like the Wicked Witch,” says Mean Girl Rachael to camera. I wonder if Rachael knows she’s the secret villain of the show or if, like Princess Emily last year, she’s oblivious? Keira knows she’s a villain and relishes her role.
Keira and Richie head outside for a horse and carriage ride and Keira does a hilarious royal wave to the others, who head back to the house to prank the other contestants that Keira was sent packing.
Sadly they crack and tell the truth straight away, and speculation turns to whether Keira’s demeanour on the date will be better than usual.
“What – crying, whingeing, complaining?” quips Georgia. But Marja – beautiful, invisible Marja the yoga teacher and actress – sticks up for her: “You’d be surprised – there’s a softer side to Keira and I think that that will come out if Richie’s alone with her.”
Meanwhile, Richie and Keira are dancing in a fairy light-strewn garden to the tune of a string quartet. She’s a graceful dancer.
As usual, the girls have been herded into the kitchen to await the return of the datee, and Keira twirls her gown to reveal she got a rose.
She seems happy with how things went, until singer Eliza speaks.
“Keira, I’m so happy for you, darling,” she starts, then takes her to task in a mild tone for seeming ungrateful to be spending time with Richie earlier. Have I been watching too much UnREAL or did a producer tell Eliza to poke the bear in return for more air time?
It escalates from there and Keira walks out. The others avoid eye contact.
It’s cocktail party time and Sophie is saying she reckons she’s safe, so she’s definitely gone.
Alex is dithering over the white rose while Eliza is getting angsty over not having cleared the air with Keira. Kiki tells her to chill while Noni, forgetting – or not caring – there are 10 cameras on her, readjusts her boobs so they are sitting more comfortable in her strappy dress.
Eliza insists on trying to apologise to Keira despite repeatedly being asked to leave it for another time. OMG – what is Mean Girl Rachael wearing?
What’s with all the chokers, halter necks and weird scarves this season? Rachael tells Alex she can’t use the white rose until she herself has chatted with Richie. Just kidding – ha ha – but if you do I will totally kill you – just kidding … Sleep with one eye open, Alex.
Alex sheds a little tear as she lets Rachael grab Richie, wistfully waiting for Richie to come to her rather than play the white rose.
And it’s goodbye to brunettes Sophie and Marja, who seemed kind.
Sophie hugs Richie and whispers: “Look after Nikki.” (Indeed, Nikki was looking a bit shell-shocked at the cocktail party – perhaps she’s just realising he could be pashing a lots of girls). at least you won’t have to wear this dress again, Sophie. Bye, Marja.
Next week It looks like Alex finally gets a single date with Richie and she’s so in lurrve and she’s going to lock him in her cellar forever and ever, while the other girls get those fake babies they use to try and scare American teenagers into abstinence. This could be fun.
Just a brief recap from me tonight, gice. Make sure you check out Rosie Waterland’s hilarious recaps on her Facebook page or at mamamia.com.au
The single date goes to Megan, the WA blondie who we know from recent news stories was a brunette when she got married at 18 and divorced at 22, and had what she said was a sheltered upbringing due to being raised in a strict church family (I’m thinking Mormons).
She and Richie are going to dangle off a cliff in some chair and crane contraption, but it’s ok – they’re wearing matching safety chambray shirts. I love how all the Bachies and contestants talk as though the Bachies arrange the dates themselves.
Back at the house the group date card arrives and Mean Girl Rachael is not happy to get an invite because she doesn’t like sharing. White rose holder Alex is on there, too, as are Nikki who flashed everyone in the shiny green dress last week, feisty Russian Sasha, Keira, the elegant yet unknown Marja (there’s an article about her acting career here, Cinderella Janey, model Kiki, Tolyna, Bacon Girl, Planker Tiffany and Sophie, who’s had the least airtime after perhaps Tolyna and Marja.
On the single date, Richie and Megan move from a couch over the ocean to a couch in some tropical Asian-style villa. Megan says some deeper than usual, intense things about wanting a partner who shows graciousness to others. It’s enough to make Richie pull out a rose on the spot. Then he leans in for a kiss and – uh – she turns the cheek. Afterwards there’s awkward laughter from both of them and they both know what happened. But then they chat some more about how they both love nature and the pash is on. “That was really nice – nice kiss,” he tells her.
The group date starts and they’re going roller derbying. Rachael is very inappropriately dressed in a biker jacket and a black felt floppy hat.
Keira tells the camera: “I’m a princess, I do yoga. I like things that are more relaxed and chilled, like, this is hectic – I’m gonna get a real shock.”
A real roller derby team comes out to show them the ropes and some of the contestants are obviously clueless about how tough the sport is. Osher explains the winning team gets to go to a VIP street party with Richie. What does this mean? They’re going to the alley behind the roller rink to sink a few coldies?
The girls are now all dressed the same in teeny tops and shorts, so it makes it even harder to tell some of the blondes apart. But then Richie reveals the twist: they’re going to be wearing sumo suits. He looks super puppy dog excited to be wearing his.
I reckon Bacon Girl and Tolyna won’t be afraid to jab a few elbows in.
Keira thinks girls just pretend to like sport. She’s soon flat on her back on the floor, kicking like a sprayed cockroach. And then actually does a good job when it’s her turn. Not a lot else happens, until Tolyna breezes past the competition to win victory for blues.
Red Keira is just glad it’s all over, and tells the camera, cracking up: “Some of the girls were like: This is the best fun I’ve ever had. And I was like: Who are you? What do you do outside of this?” Good call, Keira. Roller derbying in a sumo suit ain’t my idea of a fun date.
Turns out the street party is another part of the roller rink set up with party lights, couches made out of milk crates and a few retro food trucks. It gives Richie the chance to have some speed dates, where he finds out Cinderella Janey isn’t competitive.
Tiffany is worried she’s going to spew at every rose ceremony and Tolyna has super intense eyes but isn’t good at Bachie sound bytes. It’s super awkward but at least she’s upfront about not wanting kids yet.
Before the rose ceremony, the girls are speculating whether Alex will use the white rose. Of course she will! Sophie gets a bit of air time and she’s barely recognisable in a different hairdo, but she seems to have the lowdown on the Richie and Megan kissing action. “Yuk – I don’t want sloppy seconds,” blurts Keira sporting a bizarre caterpillar-like mega earring.
Megan returns from a chat with Richie to discover everyone now knows they kissed. “It’s stupid – you can kiss whoever the bleep you want,” Marja tells her.
Alex apparently promised not to use the white rose but Richie whisks her off to their hideaway anyway. There’s a lot of talk among the girls about etiquette. Rachael tells the camera they’re not in high school and are adults, then says: “We’re pissed off.” Yep, good adulting, Rachael.
Hardly any air time tonight for the ravishing Olena or white-haired Nikki – or the loopy singer lady or brunette Georgia or Faith – but they are no doubt safe.
Osher delivers the sad news that three girls will be taken out the back and shot tonight.
Richie gives the last rose to Eliza, the singer, so Tiffany the Planker is going home – but we don’t really know why – along with Janey and Tolyna.
Sasha weeps buckets of tears for Tolyna.
Tomorrow night
Faith plays water polo with Richie, using her boobs to try and drown him, while Keira goes on a group date but then seems to get alone time with Richie while wearing an over-the-top ballgown.
Presumably the ones who didn’t get airtime last night are the sane ones. Here’s a name refresher for you (but of course Natalie and Aimee are goneski and Vintaea bailed). So we didn’t really see Sophie, Mia, Tolyna, Faith and just glimpses of Kiki and Laura.
There’s a bit on Swear Bear Vintaea who obviously never watched the show before here
Again, Rosie from Mamamia does the best Bachelor recaps – they are usually posted soon after the show ends at mamamia
It’s day 2 (more like day 5) and the girls are hanging around the house in their casual resort gear and most look so much better without all the spack filler and sequins.
Osher drops off the date cards and it’s WA girl Nikki of the white hair (whom we met first in the premiere had the super high split). The others are totes jelly, especially when Richie turns up in a helicopter to pick her up – Channel 10 are blowing the budget early. How are they going to offered to pay their candle bill?
As they fly near the Sydney Harbour Bridge Nikki professes a fear of heights, so that will be exploited later in the show. The chopper drops them off at a secluded beach and then it’s into a row boat for a getting-to-know you convo. And just to remind us Richie is a true blue Aussie, he utters “crikey!” at one point.
Back at the mansion the girls are chilling outside when Kiki appears with a date card, revealing the names Sasha, (Snickers Faux Villain Keira: “She’ll be hilarious on a group date. Really loud – she’ll annoy the other girls. Heh, heh.”) Tolyna, Faith (wow – she is still wearing a lot of makeup and favours the American cheerleader look), artist Georgia, talentless singer Eliza, white rose holder Alex, another white haired girl called Laura, Kiki, former athlete Mia and Keira. Upon this, Keira utters what looks to be an “urgh” and looks like she just ate a dirty street pie. “I don’t like it,” she says at the thought of having to share the limelight. The dateless ones aren’t pleased with her reaction.
Under-the-radar villain Rachael aka Regina George tells the camera: “We’re here to date him – we’re not here to sit back and just chill out and get a tan in the backyard. I suppose she did really want a one-on-one date but we can’t always get what we want in life.”
On the first date, Richie and Nikki are having a dip in the ocean and pretending to splash each other. Nikki looks so much better with her white blonde hair all wet and tousled. The producers make poor Richie open up an already de-husked coconut with a machete for reasons I don’t understand. Real estate agent Nikki spills she was engaged to a guy she was with for 12 years. So, she’s 28 and they broke up a year ago, so she must have been 15 when they got together. She tells Richie she’s never been on a real date before. He seems to really like her, so out comes the rose and … First pash to Nikki.
Back at the mansion the girls have been gathered to await Nikki’s return. Rachael thinks they won’t have kissed. Poor, deluded Rachael. Nikki says she just gave him a peck.
Nine girls arrive for the group date and it looks like they stopped at the tanning salon on the way because everyone but Eliza has Oompa Loompa-coloured legs. There’s a lot of cut-off denim and biker jackets. The girls are split into smaller groups for a retro-style photo shoot and Alex is the only one who doesn’t have to share her shoot with another girl. Keira and Russian Sasha are teamed up for a milkshake shoot.
We keep hearing about what a big character Kiki is but we haven’t seen it until now, when she walks out rocking her her 1950s leopard print swimsuit like a Playboy bunny.
Richie looks like he got a bit sunburnt on the beach date and Faith proves to be gormless yet flirtatious, comparing her modelling style to that of a potato.
Sasha works hard to ruin Keira’s photoshoot and Keira is rather meek about it – and obviously rattled.
On the next shoot Eliza is loving the dance shoot, pulling out all her dance moves. The other girls on the shoot are dying to get some time with Richie but no one wants to tackle Eliza to the grand to do it.
For the final shoot Richie is dressed like a T-bird and he and Alex get to sit in a gorgeous red Cadillac. Afterwards Richie says he got a few butterflies: “I was like: Be smooth, Richie, be smooth.”
The other girls come out to watch them giggling at each other. Sasha drily says: “Imagine how pretty their babies will be.”
The photographer makes them pretend to kiss while Keira provides sarcastic commentary just metres away.
Here we go again, showing how cool Richie is by having him rock up on a motorbike for another date. “Oh my god he’s so bad boy,” purrs Georgia. He’s there to pick up Olena the mysterious Ukrainian. She’s a 23-year-old make-up artist who has had a string of disastrous dates. “We have nothing to talk about or he sets my hair on fire … that’s another story,” she tells the camera.
They go for a ride and she asks him some not-so-superficial questions about his family and future kids, fearful she won’t get another chance. He gives the usual “kids, eventually” answer.
Richie takes her back to his bachie pad.
“That’s my sleeping quarters – wait to you see that,” he tells her. Cue both of them cracking up. They go for a swim in one of his many pools even though it looks like they are freezing. She’s luring him in with her mysterious eyes again. He says he has another surprise for her but it’s not a rose: it’s a figure-hugging red dress that she puts on and rocks – the other girls are going to die.
“I feel like you challenge me a little but, which is great,” he tells her, and hands her a rose.
Back at the mansion the girls have started drinking already and there are dress splits galore. Nikki from the first date has a full-one J-Lo plunging neckline green dress on but it’s too short.
Richie takes Nikki off for a chat but then Alex appears clutching the white rose, looking mischievous. Some of the girls are confused as to the white rose’s power. “It’s like an unlimited packet of Tim Tams – it never stops,” Kiki succinctly explains to Georgia, who may be too young to get the reference to the genie ad.
At least Alex waits til he finishes his chat before revealing the rose, and he whisks her off to his dungeon, which is stuffed full of cushions, candles and Moroccan lamps. They share a passion for dirt bikes and realises their relationship will never work because he barracks for West Coast and she’s a Collingwood girl (carn the Pies!).
Keira is super cranky about the white rose, whereas Megan the diving chick sensibly says they would all have done the same.
Alex finally gets to have an in-depth talk with Richie about her son. “I feel just on CLoud Nine and nothing could dampen that feeling,” she says after their chat. And then she sits on a couch near Keira.
“You disappointed me personally,” Keira tells her. “I’ve said it behind your back and I’m telling it to your face.”
Alex doesn’t seem rattled: “I’m going to go to sleep tonight knowing that I’m a good person.” By this point a few of the girls have snuck away, over all the drama. And it just escalates from there.
Finally, one of the other girls encourages Alex to walk away, depriving us of the chance for a glass of wine to be thrown of someone. Can we hurry up already with the rose ceremony>
The rose ceremony
Oh god, Nikki’s green dress is just so wrong. Either cover up the chest or the legs – don’t flash both. God, Tiffany aka plank girl looks totally different to last night, as does Sophie the Mary Louise Parker lookalike, who gets her first bit of airtime, so she’s a goner. Oh – actually, she’s safe, so it’s white hair Laura and former athlete Mia who are goneski, off to watch Osher’s Australian Idol clips.
Later in the season
We get a lengthy montage of clips from upcoming episodes and it looks like Keira is around for a while as we see her in various outfits. And it looks like Richie does lots of pashing. I didn’t want to watch it too closely as it seemed to give a lot away.
And here’s a still from early in the episode. Megan would rather eat Nutella from a jar than get in a chopper with Richie.
Well, here we go again. It seems like just yesterday Guy Bachie Sam was snogging Snez and Richie was on an old person date with Girl Bachie Sam …
Richie the rope access technician is back as The Bachelor and, supposedly, he also found love thanks to the series.
Offspring fans won’t be happy that Nina has been bumped to a later timeslot but Channel 10 knows they will tune in anyway, so is hoping a few will be caught in the Bachie trap.
How many minutes in will it be before we spot our first loony?
Honestly, gice, Rosie Waterland does best Bachie recaps going (you can read them at Mamamia here or on her Facebook page – and she’s much naughtier than me), but since this is the premiere I’m giving it a crack anyway. Plus I’ve roped in Mr Juz to watch with me.
RECAP BEGINS
My recording catches the last few minutes of The Project and Richie is on, spruiking his show with self-depreciating humour.
“I’m surprised I’m wearing a shirt right now,” he tells The Project panellists. And follows it up with a shout out to some mates who are battling cancer. I do like Richie.
We start with Osher walking through the grounds of the Bachie mansion and the number of fairy lights there could be the reason South Australia is having trouble getting the power supply it needs from the east coast. He reminds us Bachie Sam found true love last year with Snezana.
Mr Juz: Oh, that’s right – Schnitzel.
Me: They actually called her Parmigiana. (Then I have to explain to him there was a girl Sam on the Bachelorette and a boy Sam on the Bachelor, because his brain is about to explode.)
So, less than two minutes in Richie already has his shirt off. We’re reminded he’s 30 and a rope access technician on an oil rig. We get flashbacks to the Sam Frost season – I did love that episode where they dressed up as oldies – and there’s a bit of Richie looking sad. But then he’s riding a motorbike and everything’s fine again and he loves his mum and his sister, as shown in some super awkward scenes of them pretending to carry out normal life at home, while coincidentally dressed in their best outfits.
The same sound techs who score MasterChef must do Bachie as there is a lot of very loud music.
Here come the girls
Megan is 27, rides a skateboard and dives. They’re setting her up as a bit of a fave.
Noni is 25 and has Balinese heritage. She’s a swimwear designer and I like her (despite the dreadful bacon tattoo because she’s the one from promo who gives Richie bacon roses and says “Don’t go bacon my heart”. Surely a bloke whose fave phrase is “cool bananas” will appreciate the humour.
Marja, 34 (pronounced Marcia) teaches yoga and is from Bondi – of course. Good to see not all the contestants are blonde white chicks.
Children’s entertainer Janey is passionate about rainbows and unicorns.
Mr Juz: She’s a nutter.
Georgia, 24, is an artist and a self-described alpha female. She likes ripped jeans and floppy hats.
At the mansion, Richie has arrived and meets the first contestant, Nikki. She has a very sparkly, very low cut dress with a super high front split.
Mr Juz: What’s for breakfast, Nikki? (Apparently this makes sens because you can almost see her lunch).
Nikki is happy Richie is the Bachie.
Here comes Megan the skater girl and she’s from WA, so that works in her favour.
Mr Juz: She sounds like my dream girl: nature, camping, the ocean. (Says the man who doesn’t like walking on the beach barefoot).
As she walks off Megan whispers to Richie: “You smell good by the way.” After she leaves he exhales: “Ah, turn it up.”
Here comes children’s entertainer Janey in a suitably princess-y dress. She is talking like a little girl and is all breathy. And in her to-camera piece she acts like a little girl who just got a pony.
Mr Juz: I’m embarrassed for her.
She deliberately leaves a glittery stripped shoe behind and it takes Richie forever to twig it’s a deliberate Cinderella moment.
Is she an actress who’s been cast to add drama?
A few girls get the quick edit but Eliza gets the slow, slinky music to match her plunging black dress. She says she wrote a song for him (despite not knowing Richie was the Bachie). She is very off key.
Mr Juz: Fast forward.
She does a high five that ends with a bum slap. Hmmm … Awkward.
Alex, 24, is from the Mornington Peninsula (what’s with all these 24 year olds who are desperate to find love?) and while nervous, has a natural vibe. “I’m bloody nervous,” she tells him, then reads him a poem. Richie seems to like her.
Keira loves the TV limelight.
We whip through a few more girls and then in comes Keira, 29, who’s been cast as the villain. “I’ve pretty much got the whole package,” she tells the camera.
Mr Juz: She smoked a joint before she had the interview.
“So, what turns you on Keira,” asks Richie, and they both crack up at the awkwardness of the question. In the mansion they show her
Here’s Noni with her bacon roses. “That was awesome,” he says of her one liner.
Massage therapist Vintaea, 25 is keeping things simple. “I won’t be walking in on my hands or anything.” She greets Richie and asks: “Shitting, yourself? … F—ing great.” Then says she needs to cut back on the swearing. Then in the next to-camera interview says “Thank f—. He’s got good alignment with his teeth. He’s a good size and I’d probably eat that face.”
Mr Juz: We’re definitely watching the Australian version.
Yeah, she’s not going to last.
She’s f—in’ gone.
Olena, 23, is a makeup artist and she speaks to him in Ukrainian. “I do like to attack with the eyes,” she says of her dating strategy. It seems to work. “Olena is a total babe. She is very mysterious. Her eyes really draw me in,” says Richie. She has told him a quote in her native language that she will translate later on.
Keira is definitely playing the villain, critiqueing the bad singer and the others’ dresses: “Look at this chick … like, hello, we can see your undies, girl.”
Kiki is another one getting an edit with blunt comments.
That’s the 22 girls introduced.
Inside the mansion
Osher explains the holder of the white rose will get one-on-one time with Richie each episode and some of them look ready to stab each other to get it.
Richie has barely sat down when Noni the Bacon Lover steals him away. Some throw daggers but one girl rightly says: “I feel like we all kind of wish like we were her.” Rachael, who looks a lot like high-maintenance Emily from Sam Wood’s season, is a dab hand at pulling faces watching Richie chat to other girls. Definite Mean Girls territory.
Call me Regina George.
After a while Nikki of the super white hair breaks up the party and she’s also from WA and is close to her family. And now Noni is egging on the Russian (?) girl to steal him.
Richie is apparently surprised the girls are all attacking him for one-on-one time.
Poem reader Alex tells Richie she has a five-year-old son but before he can really react another contestant seagulls in. Is she the new Snez?
Artist Georgia reckons the girls’ behaviour is over the top and very priary schoolish. Villain Keira decides it’s time to try for the white rose. “Just in time!” she yells at him.
My Juz: Is she drunk already?
On the sidelines, Rachael is uttering more catty comments.
Richie actually apologises to her for asking what turns her on earlier. “I would say the white rose would turn me on,” she tells him.
The others send one of the tall blondes (Tiffany) in as a sacrificial lamb to break up the Keira fest, too scared to do it themselves in case Keira whips off her choker and uses it to throttle someone. Keira is looking a bit Bingle to me – I do like that she doesn’t have the crazy hair extensions of some of the others.
“I clearly want friends but at the same time – whatevs,” she tells the other girls.
Eliza is shown acting like a loon – she’s either doing an episode-long improv or she is nuts. Nikki is kind and says she marches to the beat of her own drum. She challenges Richie and the others to a plank-off but then is the first one out. Training administrator Tiffany is doing a great job in the plank department and it pays off – Richie gives her a rose (just the red one).
Regina George’s face drops: “I felt that there was other girls that had a strong connection.”
The editors are loving having Vintaea there so they can bleep out every word: “Oh my god, I’ve never had boobs this big,” she tells the princess. Has she not seen the show before? Perhaps she needs to try Farmer Wants a Wife instead.
Janey is feeling like a loser because Richie hasn’t returned her Cinderalla shoe. Yeah, Janey, there definitely weren’t producers there telling him to string it out.
Eventually skater/surfer girl Megan (a bit of a Hawko lookalike) goes in for a chat and he likes that he’s kicked her shoes off. The mesmerising Ukrainian tries to swoop in but Richie tells her to hold up while he gives Megan a rose.
But he does come back for Olena and gets her to explain her quote.
The girls are getting antsy that he hasn’t given out the white rose. It would be cool if he gave it someone who already had a red rose and said “swapsies”. I reckon he’s going for the single mum. Mr Juz disagrees. It IS Alex, who’s been panicking every since their convo about her being a mum was cut short.
In the background Keira rolls her eyes: “Strategic.”
Regina Georges is totes jelly: “I’m not congratulating her either.” Ouch. Yep, the real villain – Keira’s a decoy.
Last season Girl Sam gave the white rose to the guy she ended up with, while Boy Sam gave to Cool Chick Heather.
Rose ceremony time
Osher is so sad and serious because after Richie rejects three chicks he has to take them out the back and make them watch old clips of him is his Andrew G Australian Idol days until they claw their eyes out.
A few unknowns get roses and then Swear Bear Vintaea steps up to Richie before her name is called. “This rose ceremony just got cray-cray,” says cray-cray crooner Eliza. Ooh – she’s going to pike. “I realise this just isn’t for me,” she tells Richie. Good on her for not being in it just to “win” at all costs. The others are stoked to have less competition.
Tiny princess Janey is talking a lot about her ever-after love. Mr Juz: “I’m really worried for her. This could ruin her emotionally.” She gets a rose.
They usually film these premiere episodes over two days and Russian Sasha is obviously pretty hungry as she starts nibbling her rose.
The final three girls are two perfectly pleasant nobodies and Keira, so you know who’s getting it. Producers’ pick?
Aimee and Natalie are gone.
Tomorrow night
There are two solo dates and a retro photo shoot.
