Married at First Sight – Ep 3

Daisy is kindly doing us a recap for tonight’s MAFS but she’s on WA time, so comment away in the meantime.
And here it is:
Tonight the honeymoon begins. Who will leave toast crumbs in the margarine, the lid off the toothpaste and curly hairs in the bath? Probably not Xavier or Simone.

Before departure, Clare and Jono wake up together. Jono asks Clare if there had been any funny business. Yes Jono, Clare’s comedy routine. In their hotel suite, Xavier and Simone wake up with a rosy morning-after glow. Xavier flashes his pearly whites and we almost see them twinkle. Then all couples head off for their various destinations; Simone and Xavier to Fiji, Jono and Clare to the Northern Territory, Erin and Bryce to Palm Grove in QLD, and Christie and Mark to continue their days of wedded torment in New Caledonia.
In their Fiji resort, Xavier and Simone quickly establish their faily routine, dicuss their compatibility, and negotiate a mutually satisfactory bedmaking method. Now I know this is a set-up because you do not make your own bed in a good resort. These two are like bookends, but cracks start showing when Xavier styles his hair before coming to bed. Meanwhile in the NT, Jono takes the bull by the horns and asks Clare if she likes him. She does, even after she discovers he wants her to take over laundry duties from his mum. And he still likes her, even after she pig snorts. She learnt that laugh from Fugly. Things are firing well for Jono and Clare, and SNAP! They both want kids. Later, Jono and Clare eat cake in bed and Jono reviews his wish list of wifely criteria with Clare. Short- naah! Brunette- naah! But “amazing smile”, “beautiful wyes” and “natural beauty”…tick, tick, tick. I think eating chocolate cake in bed deserves a tick.

In New Caledonia, delusionally hopeful Mark is missing all of Christie’s “It’s not happening” signals. Following Jono’s example….or the film crew’s prompting, he asks Christie if she would have gone for him if she saw him in real life. Well he tries to ask her that because before he gets the words out, Christie jumps in with a prompt, emphatic and resounding. “NO!”. Would you like a bit more time to think about that, Christie? Knowing Christie is scared of horses producers send Mark and Chistie horse riding, and capitalizing on Jono’s fear of crocodiles and all things ending in death, they send Clare and Jono to kayak through dangerous, tidal, croc infested waters. Clare shows Jono her sensitive side by taunting him with crocs and snakes, and does everything in her power to show him that when it comes to wild life, she is the only one of them who has the native gonads, and that he is just a big sookie girl, and thus ensues their first fight. But afterwards, in a beautiful lagoon, beneath a waterfall, they have their first make-up sex. I think I made the last bit up.

The next challenge to hopefully throw some lovebirds off their perch is hot air ballooning for Erin and Bryce, but disappointingly for the film crew, neither Bryce nor Erin are sick, traumatized or required emergency medical treatment. Instead the love birds have a lovely, love-dovey ride. 🐥🐦 Erin and Bryce are really going well.

Back in Fiji, Xavier has styled his hair, ensuring it is suitably raised on top for a day at the beach. He flexes his muscles and uses Simone’s straight body and pointed toes for weight lifting. She matches his bicep strength with her core muscle strength. These two will need another perfect couple for dinner dates because they might annoy flawed people. Xavier and Simone confide their relationship betrayals in each other and SNAP! Another thing they have in common.

Out at sea with Christie (producers were hoping for another bout of sea-sickness and vomitting), Mark still sees promise in his marriage to Christie and flips about in the sea like a seal at Sea World. His underwater antics finally soften Christie’s ice cold heart. Now if only he can translate his aquatic humour to the bedroom. Mark keeps up the charm and the gags back on beach and finally gets rewarded with a bit of kiss and cuddle from Christie in the shallow water. (Now who is that woman who casually swims into shot as the lovers share some aquatic foreplay? That would be like my hubby photo-bombing. “I paid good money for this holiday and no wedding photographer or film crew can ask me to move”).

FF to Mark and Christie as the producers attempt to ff the perception of romance. Room service lady has to hide her eyes as she brings in the breakfast tray. The camera man pans the room for signs of incriminating underwear, but has to settle for focussing on a less incriminating bathrobe cord.

As the honeymoon now draws to a close, couples contemplate what their lives will be like when they return home to set up their nest together. Clare prepares Jono to meet Fugly, Jono attempts to prepare Clare to take over laundry duty. Clare offers Jono a boot up the bum instead. Xavier and Simone discuss their future daily schedules, and Simone is unsettled to discover that Xavier hasn’t pencilled in a onversation with his wife between the gym and hair styling. Christie warns Mark that she probably won’t want to live on a farm. Didn’t the sexperts read ANY of her notes? Gets seasick, doesn’t like horses, wants a ‘cool guy’, and is a city girl.

Next week….. Simone wants Xavier to upset his wardrobe organization, Clare is left making the bed, Erin says, “sh*t”, Clare cries, Xavier styles his hair, Christie’s heart freezes over, and Fugly does Jono’s washing.

Who do you like? Who annoys you? Who will stay together? Will Christie’s Dad sic the Maltese mafia on Mark? Will Jono be able to handle Fugly farts?



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Married at First Sight episode 2

The ratings are in for the premiere and it’s not pretty. http://www.news.com.au/entertainment/tv/reality-tv/married-at-first-sight-stumbles-at-the-altar-with-771000-viewers/news-story/33dff9d05dd6c7b231c7eeaa80a1de06
I’m guessing a lot of potential viewers don’t even realise it’s on again tonight, let alone at such an early time.
Thanks to love expert Daisy for another excellent recap:

Before I begin tonight’s recap, I will have to admit un unfair advantage over the matrimonial guinea pigs. I am writing from way over the marital hill, where one winds up in pjs, slippers and a candlwick dressing gown, having early dinner in front of Bold and the Beautiful. So if the stars in my eyes have faded, I prefer cake to sex, and I am a lot of a cynic, don’t let it mar your experience or your faith in love ever after. 💘💘💘💘
At the outset tonight, we get a morning-after peek into the sleeping arrangements of last night’s love birds. Already we see that Bryce has already become Man Friday, as he answers the door grinning sheepishly, while Erin throws a shoe at the camera crew for waking them up. Will Erin kiss and tell? My guess, she will. But no. She is being mysterious and cryptic, but might as well have said, “Wink, wink. Non, nod”. Bryce, the new butler, calls room service for special treatment honeymoon breakfast because Erin fears if they go down to the buffet breakfast she may have to make her own toast.

As for Christie and Mark; they chatted. Mark says Christie is easy going, so considering that she spent all night looking at him and dry wretching, and building a pillow fort to keep him out, I would say that makes Mark easy going. Mark may need to see the movie “She’s Not that Into You”. But good natured Mark, seems to be seeing a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

Now to tonight’s couples. The producers……..I mean the sexperts, have paired blue eyed boy tradie, footy player, Ryan Fitzy Fitzgerald- I mean Jono, 28, with bossy, dog dressing Clare. That is she dresses her dog, not dresses like a dog. The sexperts choose pretty blond 32 year old, recruitment consultant, Clare because they think Jono needs his nuts in a wrench, only they don’t phrase it like that.
Next up….oh here we go……rising out of the surf like a slow motion phoenix, it’s 26 year old Xavier. He’s a sales manager who gets judged by his looks (we all do Xavier, for better or worse), and to prove it, he raises his arm to flick back his wet hair and flex his pecs. We are all temporarily blinded by this Adonis rising from the sea. But wait. Adonis has a redeeming feature, he’s a neat freak. Gotta love a neat freak ( says the neat freak). Xavier has been perfectly matched with make-up artist Simone, 29. If opposites attract, these two are in trouble. They have everything in common, healthy eating, perfectionist, teetotalling, OCD, gym junkies. I would like to marry these two myself. Both have suffered the bitter agony of betrayal and both have the scars to prove it.

Before the wedding, loved ones have to be told. All are surprised, which is odd given that there is a production team in their lounge room and everyone has had hair and make up done for the cameras. Simone’s mum has a little cry. Simone tries on wedding dresses. The fallopian tube dress is out of stock. She chooses a simple gown that shows off her boobs through some chiffon. Simone has a cry. Is she still carrying a torch for the ex-fiancé?

Jono claims he is ready to settle down, but he still seems like someone who just wants nothing more than a beer and to give his mates a wedgie. Clare celebrates her last night as a single woman in her boxer shorts, singing into a toy tennis racquet with her girl friend. Next morning she has her fugly dog on her lap snorting and farting and wearing a cravat, while she has her hair done. Apparently the snorting, farting dog has prepared her for marriage.

All four candidates seem sincere. All show up to the ceremony nervous. The producers have out-done themselves. The weddings and receptions are beautiful. Xavier and Simone clap eyes on each other and immediately there are sparks. Both like what they see. If they knew at this point that both had immaculate wardrobes, they would be absolutely thrilled and rush through those vows like the Road Runner. Yep, good looks, tidy bedrooms and very ordered calendars.

Now it’s Jono and Clare’s turn. The producers tease us by pretending Jono is going to back out. They even drag out the suspense with an ad break. (Sucked in producers- I fast forward). Of course, just as we all suspected because we aren’t fooled by such rtv tricks, Jono and Clare tie the knot, although they did struggle to gaze into each others’ eyes. Jono wasn’t thrilled at getting a buxom blond when he had asked Santa for a lean brunette. Poor Clare thought she was marrying Luke Warm, 26°C.

At the post wedding photo session, Simone and Xavier are happy and relaxed, but neither were keen to lock lips. They obliged the photograhper, and mmmmm; “That wasn’t so bad”. Jono is coping with not getting a brunette for Christmas by taking the good mates approach. In fact both he and Clare start joking around like great mates. Jono thinks Clare is really funny and a “Cool chick”. Clare takes this as a good sign. I see it as a warning sign, and a fast track to the well worn excuse; “I like you as a friend” . 😢😢😢
At the reception, Simone’s sister Shannon has a cry and makes a speech, and Simone and Xavier start swapping notes, and discover they can’t marry because they are identical twins. But they have a pash anyway, without smudging Simone’s impeccible make-up. My guess; these two won’t do the deed tonight because they are classy and careful. But they are going to want to.
There’s big trouble for Clare at her wedding. Jono’s jaw is sore from laughing. Now I dated a lot of cute guys in my day, and I didn’t spend my time making them laugh. If Jono wanted comedy, he can watch Peep Show. Clare better start putting down the football and start batting her eye lashes if she doesn’t want to be added to Jono’s list of good mates.
Well that’s almost it for tonight. We see no seedy scenes of couples coupling in their hotel room. No suggestive closing of honeymoon suite doors. Instead we see, Xavier and Simone, on the rooftop of their hotel, enjoying the city lights. And then we are tantalized and tempted by the previews of things to come, as the couples have to face the ‘reality’ of a pretend marriage. And that’s all folk. Time for warm milk and biscuits. 😜



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Married at First Sight premiere

It’s back! I only saw two minutes of last year’s series, and given the PG timelslot I imagine a lot of people will tune in for the first ep and then bail.
Do you think any couples are still together?

Chat away – guest recap coming later from WA correspondent Daisy as I’ll be watching the Chopses flail on MKR.

AND OVER TO DAISY – thank you!
The premiere tonight begins with last year’s success story; cute couple Zoe and Alex. They are being blissfully domestic, and hoping for babies. But please, Zoe, teach Alex it’s “Zoe and I….” Then we are introduced to the three supposed sexperts, who will use science, charts and body odour to match the couples.

Then we are introduced to pretty 39 year old, business owner Christie. She seems to have had it all, great life, loving family, but she is getting desperate to have kids, and her dad is ready for grandkids. He has offered to foot the bill for egg freezing. Christie values humour, positivity and requires chemistry. Her partner is FIFO and now farmer, Mark, and we all now straightaway know that there is a back-up plan for Mark, in Farmer Wants a Wife.
Then we meet retail manager, “on-line dating fiend” and self-confessed rude person, Erin, who has her own slave; her mother. Her mum makes her toast, then wipes her bum for her. Erin claims to sabotage her own dates. She is matched with mild-mannered Bryce. The experts gave him to Erin because he sniffed her dirty clothes and liked it.

Then we see the brides and grooms-to-be break the news to their families and friends who generally approve of the crazy decision to marry a stranger on TV. Erin tries on wedding gowns, and luckily with help from her friends Tig and Laura, because the bffs notice Erin’s first choice of gown has a falopian tube design on her crotch. Then we see Erin open up to camera and have a little cry. She “really wants this to work”.
The brides and grooms get dressed and groomed for the wedding. Everyone is getting nervous. Erin wants a truck load of make-up. Bryce won’t even be able to see her until she washes her face. Erin has already shown she is a potty-mouth. “Sh*t. Sh*t. Sh*t, sh*t”.
Christie and Mark meet and marry on a ferry on Sydney harbour on a perfect sunshine and lollipops day. Mark is so stunned by beautiful Christie that he tears up. Christie is so underwhelmed that she soon starts throwing up. Christie’s Dad thinks Mark is too short and starts thawing eggs.

Erin makes sure she gets plenty of attention by having a pre-wedding diva-like melt down. She keeps groom and guests waiting while she performs for the camera, but manages an entrance after another swig of champagne. She does the stupid face fan, but she has a great figure in that wedding doily. Luckily for Bryce, Erin takes to him like a duck to water. I just hope he can make toast. Then they have the photo shoot which forces some intimacy. Erin and Bryce are up for it, as is Mark, but Christie is handling it like a trip to the dentist to have four molars out without pain killers.
On the ferry, things go from bad to worse as Christie gets sicker….but then things turn a corner as Mark shows how great his nursing skills are, and Christie stops throwing up in her mouth. Then, back inside, Mark impresses everyone with his speech and daggy dancing, although Christie’s Dad was making snake eyes.
Question: did the producers know that Christie gets sea sick? An onboard wedding wasn’t a good idea.

Over at Erin and Bryce’s party, Erin is loving the attention. She is schmoozing with the guests and swearing like a sailor. She talks trash about the “fake t*tty table”, then smiles and waves. Later she greets them at their fake t*tty table and the girls ask, “Will you f*ck tonight”. Erin likes the polite way they asked, so replies, “Not on the table”, or was that “Not off the table”. And that just left the fake blonds, with their fake boobs, and their fake brains, confused.
Erin then makes a speech where she pretty much confesses that she is a bitch, while Bryce beams at her proudly. Bryce is undeterred by the red flags. Is this Erin already sabotaging their relationship?
Now to the honeymoon suite. This is where I really show how old-fashioned I am……eeew. You are on telly! Anyhow, as soon as Christie flops face down on the bed, she is putting out a clue; “no sex tonight”. Then she leaves no room for doubt by making a cushion wall down the middle of the bed. Initially hopeful Mark, gets the message.
Eager Erin, on the other hand, wasted no time. She handled that camera man like someone schooled at the Russel Crowe school of Papparazi camera smashing, and threw him out with her hand over the camera lens. And placid Bryce probably wasn’t so placid that night. 💘💘💘💘



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Married at First Sight timeslot

Channel 9 is so sick of being slapped in the face with the dead fish that is Reno Rumble that it’s parachuting a proven performer into the timeslot.
Married at First Sight season two starts Monday at 7:30pm. They’ll
Have to edit out some of the language so it will be a tame affair.
Surprised they haven’t done their usual trick of programming more Big Bang Theory.
Oh, hang on – that’s exactly what they’ve done on the Wednesday night.
Reno Rumble has been pushed back to 8:30pm. Perhaps advertising commitments prevent Nine from shunting it to Go or Gem.



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Married at First Sight to start

MAFS
Channel 9 has sent out a “save the date” for the second season of Married at First Sight. They’re needing a win with this one after a string of low-rating reality franchises (Farmer, Reno Rumble). It starts Mon week, so that’s April 4.
Shame they’re all young, hetero couples, but that’s Nine for you.

And here’s contestant Clare (not the ex-“wife” of Farmer Lachlan, as I first thought) talking about why she went on the show last time http://tinyurl.com/j5r7rea



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