The Bachelor Australia – final three

Richie has whittled them down to Mysterious Olena, Home State Girl Nikki and Smother Mother Alex. Tonight he kicks one of the trio to the kerb. Tomorrow night is the finale, screening on Ten from 7.30pm to 9pm. Richie takes the final two to Bali (perhaps he’ll catch up with former Big Brother contestant Tully there again?) and will break someone’s heart. Unless it’s Olena he’s rejecting, as she seems made of sterner stuff.
And here’s a post from the Bachie Twitter account, so you gice can discuss the use of the word “fleek” …

We start with Richie recapping the pros and cons of each girl. Pity the girls don’t get to do the same.
He’s doing some deep thinking while he does situps by the bachie pad lake, and even pretends to wipe his brow with a towel because he’s sweating from all the head hurty deep thoughts.
Richie decides to take the girls to his fave place: Indonesia. Alex has never been to Bali before. And she is calling him “Rich” (but Pooky Bear in private as she stabs voodoo dolls of Olena and Nikki).

Alex is wearing a black lace and netting playsuit which flashes her cheeks – and not the up-top kind. The producers make them ride bicycles in what is no doubt sweltering conditions and they must be the only people in Bali wearing safety helmets. Rich is so excited he’s even doing bunny hops on the bike. Time for a chat about how much her family loves him as they perch on a wall – not a couch, for once. Alex questions whether he could ever move to Melbourne (we know Richie is super close to his blonde mum – who raised him alone – and blonde sister). He avoids a straight answer but says he wouldn’t want her son to move schools as much as he did. Enough awkward talk; time for a rice paddy pash. Later on, they do find a cushion-strewn couch and she asks how his family would feel about him dating someone with a child. “They just want me to be happy,” he says. So, no answer, then.

Next up is Nikki, wearing a tropical-look playsuit and she suits the beachy Bali vibe. Straight away she grabs his head and pulls him in for a kiss. Nikki, the fellow West Aussie, has been to Bali a zillion times. They head off on some giant flying lilo thing that’s towed by a speedboat and afterwards have a pash wrapped up in beach towels. They follow up with time on the Bachie couch, surrounded by candles and Nikki again tells him she loves him. He tells her he would slot in easily to her family. Cue 2 minutes of adjectives about how awesome the other person is. “Good times, good times,” he concludes (throwing in a pash for good measure).

Now for Olena, also in a playsuit, but hers has bling. Since the hometown visit she’s started worrying about Richie living in WA while she’s in Sydney. Well, der. Richie throws out a lot of “myterious” and “intrigued” observations. They take a scooter ride to the beach and he loves surfing, so Olena must again pretend to like outdoorsy stuff. “How did your Mum feel about me?” he asks. “Umm …” she replies. Then she tells him her mum “has concerns” but doesn’t elaborate. They spend the next half hour pretending to enjoy surfing while mulling it over. Olena says her folks don’t want her to leave Sydney. Richie says he’s open to living in both cities but she’s still worried.”I see that as a huge mess for me; travelling back and forward for a relationship,” she tells the camera. Uh oh – she’s not making eye contact with him and they are playing the “something bad’s bout to happen music”. Later on, she’s in a leopard print kaftany thing and looking as fabulous as usual. Richie tries to drag some emotion out of her. She tells him her family think she’s living a fairy tale and ignoring “the real shit”. Ooh! He tells her he’s frustrated by her not acting all cray-cray for him from the get-go. “At the end of the day I’m thinking is it too much of a hassle for us to have a relationship,” she tells him. Olena lives in the real world, not Bachie la-la land.
Damn – I was sure she and Nikki would be final two but now he has no choice but to take Alex.

Rose time
They get straight into it – no cocktail party chat. The girls are all in shiny dresses and poor Osh and Rich have to swelter in suits. Nikki gets the first rose. The music builds to a crescendo and he picks Alex. Olena looks a bit nervy, like she’s trying to breathe calmly. She and Richie exchange pleasantries about how they want each other to be happy and it’s like two strangers making polite conversation at a dinner party.

Tomorrow night
Alex and Nikki get to meet his Mum, who asks questions like: “So, you’re not a basket case?” We hear Nikki tell the camera she’s confident it’s her. The finale screens tomorrow on Ten, from 7.30-9pm.



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The Bachelor Australia premiere – Wed, July 27

Well, here we go again. It seems like just yesterday Guy Bachie Sam was snogging Snez and Richie was on an old person date with Girl Bachie Sam …
Richie the rope access technician is back as The Bachelor and, supposedly, he also found love thanks to the series.


Offspring fans won’t be happy that Nina has been bumped to a later timeslot but Channel 10 knows they will tune in anyway, so is hoping a few will be caught in the Bachie trap.
How many minutes in will it be before we spot our first loony?
Honestly, gice, Rosie Waterland does best Bachie recaps going (you can read them at Mamamia here or on her Facebook page – and she’s much naughtier than me), but since this is the premiere I’m giving it a crack anyway. Plus I’ve roped in Mr Juz to watch with me.
RECAP BEGINS
My recording catches the last few minutes of The Project and Richie is on, spruiking his show with self-depreciating humour.
“I’m surprised I’m wearing a shirt right now,” he tells The Project panellists. And follows it up with a shout out to some mates who are battling cancer. I do like Richie.
We start with Osher walking through the grounds of the Bachie mansion and the number of fairy lights there could be the reason South Australia is having trouble getting the power supply it needs from the east coast. He reminds us Bachie Sam found true love last year with Snezana.
Mr Juz: Oh, that’s right – Schnitzel.
Me: They actually called her Parmigiana. (Then I have to explain to him there was a girl Sam on the Bachelorette and a boy Sam on the Bachelor, because his brain is about to explode.)
So, less than two minutes in Richie already has his shirt off. We’re reminded he’s 30 and a rope access technician on an oil rig. We get flashbacks to the Sam Frost season – I did love that episode where they dressed up as oldies – and there’s a bit of Richie looking sad. But then he’s riding a motorbike and everything’s fine again and he loves his mum and his sister, as shown in some super awkward scenes of them pretending to carry out normal life at home, while coincidentally dressed in their best outfits.
The same sound techs who score MasterChef must do Bachie as there is a lot of very loud music.

Here come the girls
Megan is 27, rides a skateboard and dives. They’re setting her up as a bit of a fave.
Noni is 25 and has Balinese heritage. She’s a swimwear designer and I like her (despite the dreadful bacon tattoo because she’s the one from promo who gives Richie bacon roses and says “Don’t go bacon my heart”. Surely a bloke whose fave phrase is “cool bananas” will appreciate the humour.
Marja, 34 (pronounced Marcia) teaches yoga and is from Bondi – of course. Good to see not all the contestants are blonde white chicks.
Children’s entertainer Janey is passionate about rainbows and unicorns.
Mr Juz: She’s a nutter.
Georgia, 24, is an artist and a self-described alpha female. She likes ripped jeans and floppy hats.
nikki
At the mansion, Richie has arrived and meets the first contestant, Nikki. She has a very sparkly, very low cut dress with a super high front split.
Mr Juz: What’s for breakfast, Nikki? (Apparently this makes sens because you can almost see her lunch).
Nikki is happy Richie is the Bachie.

megan
Here comes Megan the skater girl and she’s from WA, so that works in her favour.
Mr Juz: She sounds like my dream girl: nature, camping, the ocean. (Says the man who doesn’t like walking on the beach barefoot).
As she walks off Megan whispers to Richie: “You smell good by the way.” After she leaves he exhales: “Ah, turn it up.”

janeyarrives
Here comes children’s entertainer Janey in a suitably princess-y dress. She is talking like a little girl and is all breathy. And in her to-camera piece she acts like a little girl who just got a pony.
Mr Juz: I’m embarrassed for her.
She deliberately leaves a glittery stripped shoe behind and it takes Richie forever to twig it’s a deliberate Cinderella moment.

Is she an actress who’s been cast to add drama?
A few girls get the quick edit but Eliza gets the slow, slinky music to match her plunging black dress. She says she wrote a song for him (despite not knowing Richie was the Bachie). She is very off key.
Mr Juz: Fast forward.
She does a high five that ends with a bum slap. Hmmm … Awkward.
Alex, 24, is from the Mornington Peninsula (what’s with all these 24 year olds who are desperate to find love?) and while nervous, has a natural vibe. “I’m bloody nervous,” she tells him, then reads him a poem. Richie seems to like her.

Keira loves the TV limelight.
Keira loves the TV limelight.

We whip through a few more girls and then in comes Keira, 29, who’s been cast as the villain. “I’ve pretty much got the whole package,” she tells the camera.
Mr Juz: She smoked a joint before she had the interview.
“So, what turns you on Keira,” asks Richie, and they both crack up at the awkwardness of the question. In the mansion they show her
Here’s Noni with her bacon roses. “That was awesome,” he says of her one liner.
Massage therapist Vintaea, 25 is keeping things simple. “I won’t be walking in on my hands or anything.” She greets Richie and asks: “Shitting, yourself? … F—ing great.” Then says she needs to cut back on the swearing. Then in the next to-camera interview says “Thank f—. He’s got good alignment with his teeth. He’s a good size and I’d probably eat that face.”
Mr Juz: We’re definitely watching the Australian version.
Yeah, she’s not going to last.

She's f---in' gone.
She’s f—in’ gone.

Olena, 23, is a makeup artist and she speaks to him in Ukrainian. “I do like to attack with the eyes,” she says of her dating strategy. It seems to work. “Olena is a total babe. She is very mysterious. Her eyes really draw me in,” says Richie. She has told him a quote in her native language that she will translate later on.
Keira is definitely playing the villain, critiqueing the bad singer and the others’ dresses: “Look at this chick … like, hello, we can see your undies, girl.”
Kiki is another one getting an edit with blunt comments.
That’s the 22 girls introduced.

Inside the mansion

Osher explains the holder of the white rose will get one-on-one time with Richie each episode and some of them look ready to stab each other to get it.
Richie has barely sat down when Noni the Bacon Lover steals him away. Some throw daggers but one girl rightly says: “I feel like we all kind of wish like we were her.” Rachael, who looks a lot like high-maintenance Emily from Sam Wood’s season, is a dab hand at pulling faces watching Richie chat to other girls. Definite Mean Girls territory.

Call me Regina George.
Call me Regina George.

After a while Nikki of the super white hair breaks up the party and she’s also from WA and is close to her family. And now Noni is egging on the Russian (?) girl to steal him.
Richie is apparently surprised the girls are all attacking him for one-on-one time.
Poem reader Alex tells Richie she has a five-year-old son but before he can really react another contestant seagulls in. Is she the new Snez?

Artist Georgia reckons the girls’ behaviour is over the top and very priary schoolish. Villain Keira decides it’s time to try for the white rose. “Just in time!” she yells at him.
My Juz: Is she drunk already?
On the sidelines, Rachael is uttering more catty comments.
Richie actually apologises to her for asking what turns her on earlier. “I would say the white rose would turn me on,” she tells him.
The others send one of the tall blondes (Tiffany) in as a sacrificial lamb to break up the Keira fest, too scared to do it themselves in case Keira whips off her choker and uses it to throttle someone. Keira is looking a bit Bingle to me – I do like that she doesn’t have the crazy hair extensions of some of the others.
“I clearly want friends but at the same time – whatevs,” she tells the other girls.
Eliza is shown acting like a loon – she’s either doing an episode-long improv or she is nuts. Nikki is kind and says she marches to the beat of her own drum. She challenges Richie and the others to a plank-off but then is the first one out. Training administrator Tiffany is doing a great job in the plank department and it pays off – Richie gives her a rose (just the red one).
Regina George’s face drops: “I felt that there was other girls that had a strong connection.”

The editors are loving having Vintaea there so they can bleep out every word: “Oh my god, I’ve never had boobs this big,” she tells the princess. Has she not seen the show before? Perhaps she needs to try Farmer Wants a Wife instead.
Janey is feeling like a loser because Richie hasn’t returned her Cinderalla shoe. Yeah, Janey, there definitely weren’t producers there telling him to string it out.
Eventually skater/surfer girl Megan (a bit of a Hawko lookalike) goes in for a chat and he likes that he’s kicked her shoes off. The mesmerising Ukrainian tries to swoop in but Richie tells her to hold up while he gives Megan a rose.
But he does come back for Olena and gets her to explain her quote.


The girls are getting antsy that he hasn’t given out the white rose. It would be cool if he gave it someone who already had a red rose and said “swapsies”. I reckon he’s going for the single mum. Mr Juz disagrees. It IS Alex, who’s been panicking every since their convo about her being a mum was cut short.
In the background Keira rolls her eyes: “Strategic.”
alex
Regina Georges is totes jelly: “I’m not congratulating her either.” Ouch. Yep, the real villain – Keira’s a decoy.

Last season Girl Sam gave the white rose to the guy she ended up with, while Boy Sam gave to Cool Chick Heather.

Rose ceremony time
Osher is so sad and serious because after Richie rejects three chicks he has to take them out the back and make them watch old clips of him is his Andrew G Australian Idol days until they claw their eyes out.
A few unknowns get roses and then Swear Bear Vintaea steps up to Richie before her name is called. “This rose ceremony just got cray-cray,” says cray-cray crooner Eliza. Ooh – she’s going to pike. “I realise this just isn’t for me,” she tells Richie. Good on her for not being in it just to “win” at all costs. The others are stoked to have less competition.
Tiny princess Janey is talking a lot about her ever-after love. Mr Juz: “I’m really worried for her. This could ruin her emotionally.” She gets a rose.
They usually film these premiere episodes over two days and Russian Sasha is obviously pretty hungry as she starts nibbling her rose.
The final three girls are two perfectly pleasant nobodies and Keira, so you know who’s getting it. Producers’ pick?
Aimee and Natalie are gone.

Tomorrow night
There are two solo dates and a retro photo shoot.



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